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Post by unbreakable on Nov 15, 2007 8:11:17 GMT -5
Day Thirty OneWell, I'm back at work and I'm starting to feel a little more together. certainly better than on Monday, looking back my concentration levels were on the minus scale, like I was drunk or something. I feel the fog lifted a little although I still have aches and pains. Everyones saying it sounds viral, I hope I didn't pass anything on to P last night. So, after my truth post (and linked with a conversation I had with FJ the other day) I wonder if I'm being a little easy on myself with regards recovery. I'm nervous about heading in this direction, because I think it lead to me getting a little obsessional before and that in turn in a way making my fall all the more imminent. I dont want to let that happen again, but I'm conscious that I may well need to broaden my definition of 'recovery' ever so slightly. No porn/ masturbation is a good start. It's a great start actually and I'm proud to get this far (I think I've only got this far twice before - maybe three times, my record is around 80 days since starting recovery). So what's next? I'm already doing good things in trying to restructure my life, and doing them casually helps me not obsess too much. I'm dating in a very relaxed and non pressured way, so that's good, but I need to keep my eye on it, I fall easy and that's part of a problem for me. The emotional stripper thing is something I still need to watch. i did that again the other night and I made the person listening to me cry. In empathy, not because I upset her, she said I had inspired her, but it's not ultimately a healthy behavior pattern for me. I need to watch it. i think it goes hand in hand with me drinking too, so maybe I need to rethink that. When I drink i get drunk, and I decried that long ago, did I slip back into type to replace what I lost when i went porn sober? Probably. the smoking equally is a problem. I binge on tobacco. I wont smoke for a week, but then I'll drink and end up smoking 20 in a night. I admitted drinking was a problem for me a long time ago, but then I went back to it. The friend that disclosed her drug and alchohol problem to me the other week, said to me, she wants to be able to return to a place where having a few drinks in a night isn't a big deal for her. The AA, SA and NA books all say that's impossible. they talk of the addict that wants to 'control' their addiction in a dissaproving way. I was never sure how I felt about that, well, not in relation to alchohol anyway (maybe that's because I never considered myself an alchoholic?), but when she said it, I feared she was fooling herself. Hmmm. Ok, just free thinking today. Comments are welcomed (although, Mayberry, you might be the only one reading these days ) Targets for TodayProductive at Work - half way there, don't start slacking Swim (?) Book tickets needed finish laundry washing up another early night
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Post by unbreakable on Nov 19, 2007 14:14:42 GMT -5
Day Thirty Five
You didn't think I'd gone did you? Still here, still sober, just a little busy right now. But I wanted to check in.
I have some issues which I have to spell out on here about drinking, my emotional stripping when drunk and my smoking. I didn't do anything bad recently, but I got a warning to look into it one more time.
I improved my relationship with my sister this last weekend tenfold. I'm very proud of that. I also came home late on a train from Manchester and felt it as an immensely strong trigger and still stayed sober, so I'm very proud of that. I posted some really bad attention seeking stuff on here when I was drunk and I deleted it before it could effect anyone else (I hope) and I at least dodged a bullet there.
Im away with work this week and suspect I wont get near a computer, but Im going to try.
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Post by unbreakable on Nov 20, 2007 9:44:44 GMT -5
Day Thirty Six
I hate the way I look. Someone just sent me some pictures and I had to throw them straight in the bin. I can't bare to look at myself. What is that?
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Post by Mayberry on Nov 20, 2007 18:34:21 GMT -5
?? Because we're always our own worst critics ?? Still walking nearby, unbreakable, and so glad to see that "Day Thirty Six" in your post! J
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Post by unbreakable on Nov 23, 2007 18:02:43 GMT -5
Day Thirty Nine
Long hard week away with work in Dublin. But a good week. With all the infighting and (expletive)ing in my office, getting out for a week to a conference, with the right members of the team reinspired me and reminded me that this can be a good place to work. I took some moments of pride min my sobriety whilst I was away too, realising that it's been a hell of a long time since I notched a period of sobriety like this one together and felt so good in it. I want more. I want 50 days, I want 75 days, I want the 100 days I've never reached yet ...
... I came home from travel optimistic and content for the first time in a long time. I had a good week at work for the first time in a long time, and now I'm going to enjoy some well deserved time to myself relaxing. I drank in a sensible and mature way as well this week. I was totally comfortable with it.
HOWEVER ...
Targets, because the devil makes work for idle hands 2 Swims this weekend to catchup - my old suit fit this week, that's a trend I want to continue at least one bike ride - my bike is at La Familias and I need to bring it back anyway See my goddaughter ring my friend who has just had his first child born cut my hair
Thankyou for having left a post for me to see on my return Mayberry, yours is just the right kind of support for me. Thank you so much.
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Post by unbreakable on Nov 26, 2007 8:26:08 GMT -5
Day Forty Two
Well, a long decadent, lazy weekend meant I achieved nothing on my targets list. I dont feel bad about that though (and I feel good about not feeling bad). I had a busy week and I needed to relax and I did it in the way I wanted to. That's cool and it speaks volumes about a change in my attitude that I'm not determined to beat myself up over not having achieved anything.
I got a wonderful piece of motivational writing in my email today,
Doing creates Believing What would you do differently to make yourself happier, healthier, wealthier or more Balanced if you thought you couldn’t fail? And maybe you haven’t even tried because you have no certainty that it will succeed? How come you're so certain that you won't succeed? ‘Success’ simply means that some action or behaviour you choose to take helps you meet a goal you have in mind. How can you possibly know whether you can be successful unless you decide and have a go? ( And ‘have a go’ here means ‘having a go with every intent of making it work or at least learning something useful from the experience!) We might say ‘but it’s ‘not me’ to…’, and you might be right that it’s not something you’ve done in the past, but think of all the things you wouldn’t now be doing if you only ever did what you’d done before… walking, driving, making any new friends, a job… need I say more? With a spirit of adventure and curiosity, ‘have a go’ – see what happens – and if doesn’t quite get the result you want, do something else!
I like that. Fills me with the strength of believe that I can be whoever I want to be. I like that.
I'm really very proud of those big bolded numbers up there. I had a lazy weekend, mostly in my own company and that didn't lead to me pornsturbating. Used to be that was a given. So, I feel I'm getting somewhere and I have a sobriety period I can be proud of.
OK, onto other stuff. I'm inspired. lets see what goals I can knock out of the park whilst the muse is with me.
Targets for the week Eat healthy and cheaply (ESPECIALLY ON THURSDAY WHEN I'M IN LONDON!) Exercise/ Swim as much as possible - With the intention to go every night! See La Familia - Cook them a meal? Draw a comic - I'm working on something new and I have a great plan for it, so the hard work is done - 1 strip a day? Complete as much as is humanly possible at work, impressing everyone with your ability to turn good work in. Get to grips with study again. Early nights. Use time effectively at work. A sociable act every day (go to see a friend, make a phone call - not a text message -, take my mother to dinner etc.)
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Post by hopeflows on Nov 26, 2007 11:50:28 GMT -5
I truly enjoyed your comic, U. Thank you for letting us see it Day Forty Two......this is great!! You have wonderful Target lists.
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Post by unbreakable on Nov 26, 2007 11:59:50 GMT -5
Hi
thank you ;D
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Post by unbreakable on Nov 27, 2007 7:22:36 GMT -5
Day Forty Three
My how my enthusiam dies. Lots of hassles today, I'm tired, behind on my work and want to be anywhere but here.
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Post by unbreakable on Nov 27, 2007 16:05:36 GMT -5
Done. Not so bad really. Some random thoughts? Did I EVER drink alcohol for pleasure? I don't know if I've ever done that? That says a lot ... Tomorrow I'm going to London, long day there and back, and the return journey has been a HUGE trigger for me in the past. I should not drink before I get on the train - but I will - Don't eat crap throughout the day and smoke a ten pack, you'll regret it. I organised a party this weekend, in my flat, they'll expect me to drink with them, I don't think I want to. I dont really want people staying at my house either, but I've already offered and some of them are coming from far. I miss falling in love. But Im aware of what a bad pull that is for me. I crave love affairs. Not the sex particularly, but the other stuff, the flirting, the getting to know you, the going out wrapped up in warm clothes at this time of year and wandering around the German Christmas market warming yourself with mulled wine and the company. I crave love. But I need not to. Do I want to not? Have I got any closer to understanding how NOT craving love will make me a better partner? No, not really. How will it happen. Do I ever CHOOSE my partners or do I wait till they choose me? Do I see myself as someone who CAN choose? Is 'choose' a really horrible way of describing this? Is it an element of my damaged thinking? How does one choose? Enough.
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Post by hopeflows on Nov 28, 2007 13:04:31 GMT -5
I hope your day went well and that you didn't drink, eat crap, or smoke a ten pack
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Post by unbreakable on Nov 28, 2007 17:11:46 GMT -5
Day Forty Four
Ahhh thankyou.
I had one drink (which I'm happy with - not enough to get maudlin on the way home), I did smoke, not quite 10 though, (not happy about that, but I'll cope), I didn't eat crap.
I did fight with the porn demon today a little though. I dont know what it is about these trips away for work. It's not like it's a time I 'used' to act out in the past, but they're always triggering. I wonder if I did that myself psychosomatically, as if by suggesting that I find them triggering I open the door to lust. Sort of allowing myself ('oh, you always find this triggering, don't beat yourself up, just let it be'). I did see something that triggered some memories of porn last night, it was still on my mind today and I'm sure that doesn't help.
But, one drink, caught up with a friend, got an early train home and I'm pleased to be back. Not a bad days work either (I find it so much more productive to be out of the office right now, what with the oppressive atmosphere in there), so I did ok. I'm home, I'm fed, I'm sober and I'm content with that.
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Post by unbreakable on Nov 28, 2007 18:04:17 GMT -5
I'm still sat at my computer an hour later, and I'm trying to pretend I dont know why. I know.
I'm going to bed before I do anything I regret.
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Post by unbreakable on Nov 29, 2007 7:42:26 GMT -5
The right choice was made.
I left the computer had a bath, went to bed and finished my book (I didn't like the ending, I think I wanted a 'happy' ending, god knows what lead me to expect one, it wasn't that kind of book, but it was funny at least, so there's a second best).
So I made it to Day Forty Five
That's really not much in the grand scheme of things, but it's a definite step up the ladder for me. Since I came here 18 months or so ago, I've strung together a lot of periods of sobriety with binges in between. I want this one to be the one that sticks, so I have to keep working, keep reporting, keep doing the things that work. So far, I'm getting that, but I hate the knife edge that I can become so very suddenly, so very acutely aware of. Slipping would be SOOOOO easy. Staying sober is the hard bit. But nothing worth having was ever easy, right?
I had terrible dreams. Not terrifying situations, but uncomfortable situations made intense by a heightened dream state. I saw six dead bodies near my house and thought that I was with the killers. Later some of my friends were awaiting a judgement as to whether or not they would be sent to prison and I found out before them that at least one of them would. Later, through talking to another person with the same name as me, it became apparent that Eileen had been seeing him while she was with me (I think that's a deep seated fear I have actually - being cheated on when I was younger messed me up and probably has a lot to answer for in regards to my poor self image - I stayed with the girl and she went on to do it several more times).
I need some time from work, but I've convinced myself (stupidly) that I 'don't have time' and that 'things wont get done' in my absence. it's stupid, and a bad corner to paint yourself into at work, maybe I just need to get up and get on with it. Book a damn holiday. What's the problem? How hard can that be? No excuses, just do it. I don't even dare set myself a target to do it, because I know I wont ... What's the problem here? Where's the blockage?
I'll be here ...
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Post by hopeflows on Nov 29, 2007 13:05:40 GMT -5
I've found that things won't get done effectively, when one needs a break and refuses to take it either. I would applaud you for making the right choice last night IF MY IMAGES WORKED
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