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Post by unbreakable on Nov 30, 2007 9:52:01 GMT -5
Thank you.
I'm proud to be a man that knows the mistakes he's made and has to work hard to make the right choices but is actively pursuing the better man that he knows he can be.
Your support always helps Hope, thank you.
Day Forty Six
After having rid the monkey from my back, I find myself feeling soooo much safer and a long way from that knife edge. I'm wary of how quickly that feeling can overwhelm me though so my eyes are open.
Things are good. I'm not feeling overwhelmed by anything, life just is. 'The Dude abides' as a hero of mine might say.
I have a busy weekend planned, a drink with Anna tonight, a Christmas BBQ tomorrow at my house for some of my geek friends, and then maybe a trip out with La Familia on Sunday to the new 'Snow Village'. I'm thinking about taking Monday off as well ... maybe I should just do it.
I finished my book. Great Apes by Will Self, very interesting, darkly funny, and raises some fascinating philosophies. I'm enjoying reading again, it's a wonderful escape that other forms of entertainment don't provide. When I watch a film or TV I have to do one or two other things or I get bored, music is similar and has a tendency to make me melancholic, but reading really takes me away from myself. It's almost meditative. So I went and treated myself to a new book The Satanic Verses by Salman Rushdie, the book that famously, the Islamic Nation issued a Fatwah over. I've always thought I 'should' read it without really knowing what it was about, but after picking it up and reading the blurb it seems like my kind of fiction.
I'm quite happy today. :-D
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Post by hopeflows on Nov 30, 2007 12:16:30 GMT -5
Sounds like a really nice weekend you have planned. I hope everything goes well, and you have a great time
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Post by unbreakable on Dec 3, 2007 10:05:01 GMT -5
Day Forty Nine
Thoughts 1 day from 50 days sober ...
I dreamt about sex the other day. Not the nightmarish dreams of pornography I've reported before, but a dream about making love. I was almost proud of that. That sounds so weird, but it felt like I was finally starting to differentiate between porn and sex in my head.
*sigh* However, one step forward, two steps back. I googled the name of a porn star the other day and whilst I did step back from that path pretty quickly and remained sober, I did enough to leave the wrong images in my mind and make myself struggle all over again.
The girl I went out with on Friday was someone I was close to. She announced that she was pregnant, and as pleased as I was for her there was a huge twinge of jealousy in me I had to keep hidden, both in that she is going to have a child and that she has found someone she's going to spend her life with (and if I'm honest that that guy isn't me).
Weekends like this one aren't good for me, I drank a lot with people I'm not even that sure I want to spend my time with and at the same time didn't see my goddaughter.
It's hard to spend all my time with a couple with a child. I'm very jealous of what they have (I hate my jealousy) and as pleased as I am for them it's a strong reminder of what I have (or don't have) in my life.
I can hear a loud voice in my head sceaming how much I'd like some 'company' right now. I don't think I even mean sex, I miss having a partner and being a member of a couple. I miss kissing, I miss someone putting their arms around me and tellingly I miss the validation I rceieve from that kind of relationship (and that's exactly why I shouldn't have one).
I don't know who I'm going to be when I stop being all these things I dislike about myself.
I dont know how to make targets today, get to tomorrow sober I guess.
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Post by unbreakable on Dec 4, 2007 4:51:59 GMT -5
Fifty Days
I dont know what I have to say today. I've been very close to slipping a lot lately. being in work now might be the only thing stopping me. I dont know why I am, or really why not.
Dont know what to say.
Maybe I'm just tired.
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Post by Mayberry on Dec 4, 2007 8:00:09 GMT -5
Unbreakable: I'm not sure if it will be helpful to you or not, but here goes.
Congratulations on reaching day 50! I'm proud of you, and I've really enjoyed walking nearby as you've made this trek. It seems to me that those daily targets are helping you on some level...perhaps focusing on "what *to* do" rather than "what you're *not* doing"? I don't know.
Might it be helpful to say, "Don't panic over being 'close to slipping'?" Perhaps now is the time for positive affirmations. "I don't look at porn. I am moving forward. I'm proud of myself. I reject 'slipping'; I do not give myself permission because I like who I am without porn." I don't know.
I would like to share with you that there seemed to be, for my partner, a "death-rattle" of the actively addictive voice and it ramped up at about the time, in his sobriety, as you are in yours. It seemed that everything was a trigger for depression and fear and panic for a while (about two miserable weeks). Happiness was not possible, would never be possible. It got so bad for him that he talked of wishing to be dead, which is not at all "like him."
I wonder if this is why so many folks seem to gravitate toward 100 days as being a goal they want to reach and often fall short of? I wonder if, around 50, the addict-inside starts understanding that you really mean business, and you're going to kick it? So there's something like an addictive-tantrum that happens for a bit inside?
Whatever the case, know that you've a well-wisher, and that I think you CAN and WILL and ARE beating this addiction and that you're going to find yourself in a brighter, lighter place within a few weeks, tops.
Hang in there. I'm walking nearby. J
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Post by unbreakable on Dec 4, 2007 9:10:10 GMT -5
That helps Mayberry, a lot, thank you.
I like to think of this as the death rattle of my addiction, I'm going to hold that thought, because I think it's important.
OK, so positive targets for today - you're right, they help because I focus on the good I can do in the time I was scared I would do wrong in, rather than waiting for it to happen.
1. To swim - I was proud I fitted swimming into a long day yesterday and I will be very proud to do the same again. I'd like that feeling back please.
2. Tidy my house and do my laundry - I KNOW how this, pursuit of small victories helps me, I'd be a fool to deny it when it's right there for me to do. I remember having looked at my flat in a new light this last weekend as I entertained, thinking that it had possibilities to make me happier and more comfortable, I should pursue that.
3. Start my new book. It's sat idle because I've been lazy, but once I start it will provide me with an escape from the death rattle of my addiction that other things I engage in might not (surfing the net for instance or watching TV).
4. Eat something healthy.
Thank you for walking beside me, sometimes it's nice to turn and see company by my side.
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Post by unbreakable on Dec 4, 2007 18:39:20 GMT -5
Hey,
I did all 4 of my targets and I successfully silenced the death rattle. Watching the end of one of my shows, then I'm going to bed to carry on reading the book I started.
I have a smile on my face.
Thank you.
Day Fifty - I RULE!
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Post by Mayberry on Dec 4, 2007 21:27:08 GMT -5
YAY YOU! Stay strong. YOU RULE!
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Post by unbreakable on Dec 5, 2007 8:21:58 GMT -5
Day Fifty One
I feel pretty ok today. Would have liked a bit more sleep, but I guess I'm still exhausted from Monday night (I don't think I slept for a minute - probably explains the mood I was in yesterday).
I'm not feeling very creative at the moment. That's not a terrible thing right now, I have some ideas brewing but Im kind of ok with being relaxed about it for now. A friend of mine told me my last comic was 'hollow and souless' which is a pretty harsh criticism of something which is actually my life. I mean, I can see how that might happen. I have a very private life, what with this and the ups and downs I go through with depression that I don't right about. Maybe it's becoming a lie through omission and I don't want that.
So I'm looking at doing something a little different. Frankly as well, it would be nice to do something happy rather than all my work being sad.
I'm rambling ...
Targets 1. Swim 2. Eat well 3. Carry on Spring cleaning 4. Early night
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Post by hopeflows on Dec 5, 2007 11:32:02 GMT -5
Good idea. Congrats on the fifty days , well, fifty-one now
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Post by unbreakable on Dec 6, 2007 5:46:03 GMT -5
I'm always happy to see you here Hope, please keep dropping by, it makes me smile to see your avatar.
Day Fifty Two Yesterday evening sucked. I don't know when I turned but on the bus home I started to cry and by the time I got home I was broken hearted. I don't know what it is (or if it's anything really), so I focus on what i can, and turn molehills into mountains. I wandered around my home so lost and lonely for an hour or so and then I had to go. I had no where else so I went swimming. I guess it helped, but not the way it usually does. I came home and went to bed with my book, I even watched some TV (which I never do). I DID feel better, but not quite right still.
Still, I slept, stayed sober, and today's another day. I think fighting what seems to be an increasing problem with depression is starting to take over a little, but at least I dont medicate it with pornography anymore. I need to make sure I dont medicate it with anything really. I'd like to stay sober on all fronts this weekend. No alchohol, no pot, no tobacco ... I need to find a way to plan for that. (expletive), it's my work christmas party tomorrow as well.
I'm ok today, this post makes me sound darker than i feel. The day started fine and I feel fine, dont be worrying about me, I can handle it :-D
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Post by unbreakable on Dec 8, 2007 11:30:24 GMT -5
Day Fifty Four
Just checking in
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Post by Mayberry on Dec 8, 2007 15:33:02 GMT -5
Here's to day 54! I have a mental image of the addictive voice shriveling and dying, complete with occasional tantrum, right now. How's it going for you? I have confidence that you're in grave danger of emerging clean through the other side of this monster? Wishing you well, my friend. J PS: Those crying/emotional jags you seem to dip down into right now? I have a theory that it's your inner spark (soul, fill in the blank) coming back to light. You're FEELING. I watched my beloved go through this...it got so bad at a point that it was near like drowning to him. Hang tough, friend. I can tell you, from our experience, that about week 10 it bottomed out and the MAN started to emerge from the wreckage and the artist, the friend, the man worthy of praise, began to emerge from the wreckage. Stay strong and hold fast. I believe in you and I'm proud of you, for what it's worth. J
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Post by unbreakable on Dec 8, 2007 20:07:25 GMT -5
Thank you. It's worth a lot. It's nice to hear someone say they're proud of me. I like that.
Today has been hard. I've been fighting it all day long. I had to fight something else off. Some friends were getting together this evening to watch a boxing match. I wanted to go and hang out with them but there were going to be a lot of drugs around and I don't know what my willpower for that is like right now. I just thought that given that I'm feeling a little pressured anyway getting high wouldn't help me. i'd be up late, I'd come down tomorrow and I'd be in an even harder fight that I've been in today. My hangover from last nights work christmas party made this hard and I'd be stupid to set myself up for that all over again tomorrow.
I wanted to be with my friends, but if that's how they're partying tonight I had to decide against it.
I've been online all day and so close to the edge. I guess I'm going to bed with a book now.
I want to emerge as something better. That means walking the hard path, not the easy one.
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Post by unbreakable on Dec 9, 2007 7:55:56 GMT -5
Day Fifty Five
Today's a day to be proud of. I didn't think I would make it here at some points yesterday. J your words really helped spur me on. Thank you for being there at the perfect moment.
Today I might take myself to the cinema.
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