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Post by belikejob on May 7, 2006 3:03:00 GMT -5
Today I started the interactive online course on settingcaptivesfree.com. I finished my first day and I think this is going to be just what I need. It will help to have a person to keep me accountable, and will help me read the bible a lot more.
The first thing I learned today was that my motives for stopping need to be right. My motives for stopping were selfish. In the past I was always looking at myself and my problems instead of looking at the glory of the Lord, Jesus, and His example. The more I look to Him the more I can become like Him. He is truly the only one who can end this struggle in my life. I know I can't do it myself, I've already tried.
Well, it's getting late here. I guess I'm technically on day 42 now. The course is a 60 day course so I should almost be right at the end when I hit day 100. Signing off...
Be Strong BeLikeJob
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Post by belikejob on May 9, 2006 19:13:18 GMT -5
Possible triggers...
Last night I had a dream that I could have sworn was real. It involved a past girlfriend (one that I never did anything with, we were together like 5 days in 10th grade and then just became good friends after that). In the dream we didn't actually have sex, just messed around. When I woke up this morning I felt almost certain I had cheated on my wife until I realized it was a dream. Then I felt guilty I even had the dream in the first place. It's the first dream I've had like this since I stopped looking at p. I haven't thought about this girl in a long time and I don't have fantasies like this during the day. I have no idea where this dream came from. Well, the thing that is crazy is that I have had dreams of this nature before, not necessarily under the same circumstances or with the same person... some of them I could control what I was doing and what was happening in the dream. Others like last nights dream it felt like I was watching a movie of myself and there was nothing I could do about. Has anyone else every experienced this? Am I going crazy? I would never cheat on my wife and I'm very happy with our love life. Would anyone consider this losing your sobriety?
Be Strong BeLikeJob
P.S. I posted this in the general section yesterday, after it happened (day 43). I got some pretty good responses to it, most people said a dream is really not that big of a deal. Well, I'm feeling a lot better about the whole situation because I talked to my wife about the dream and she told me that it was just a dream and she understood. She then told me she loved me and actually thanked me for being honest and telling her about it. She is so awesome. She knows I love her and that I don't want to do anything to hurt her. I'm on day 44 and going strong, I really don't want to fail... ever. With God's help I'm trying. I'm going to go and start day 3 of the setting captives free course..... God bless.
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Post by belikejob on May 15, 2006 18:52:39 GMT -5
;D DAY 50!!! ;D
I'm half way to my 100 day goal. Things have been going great. My wife and I bought bikes yesterday and spent the afternoon riding together. It's a great way to get out of the house, exercise, and spend some quality time with my wife. With God's help I've made it this far. Please Lord help me to always flee from temptation.
One thing that has been on my mind lately... I found a (clears throat) lump. I'm hoping it's not a big deal, but I know that I need to go get it checked out. I'm going to the doctor's office tomorrow. Hopefully everything is ok. Please say a prayer for me if you get a chance. God bless.
Be Strong BeLikeJob
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Post by belikejob on May 17, 2006 3:17:00 GMT -5
My wife and I are fairly newly married and we had a pretty bad argument last night. Nothing to do with p. It was about keeping the house clean and making sure that we each were doing our part. We both are pretty busy from day to day, I work and she is finishing school. We don't have kids, and we both have a lot of volunteer stuff and extracurricular actives that we are involved in. Well, the days can go by without things getting done around the house pretty easily, i.e. washing clothes, dishes, cooking etc. etc, and all of the sudden we've got a lot of stuff to do on what should be a relaxing Saturday.
I want to do my part (and I thought I was), but sometimes what in my opinion looks fine, isn't good enough to her, or I'm not doing enough, etc. As a result of the uncertainty, I'm on edge a lot and can't relax because I feel like I am always supposed to be doing something around the house, or she'll be upset. She has trouble sometimes telling me when something bothers her or if she's upset about something, and she just lets it build up until she explodes like with what happened last night. This has happened before.
The craziest thing was she said that she felt guilty because she felt this way in the first place (wanting me to help with stuff). Through tears she said that she wants to be "a superwoman like other wives, who can do all the house work WITH kids" and she feels like a "nagging wife" if she has to ask me to do something, and she also feels like she's not doing her "job as a wife" and that "God was mad at her" because of that. I couldn't believe it!!! I asked her, "Have I ever expected or asked you to do all the chores?" She said no. I said, "Of course God isn't mad at you. Where in the bible does it say, that a woman must do all the house work by herself and the husband doesn't have to help and gets to sit around like a lazy bum and she has to like it?" She said that it wasn't in the bible. Then I said, "well where do you get this from then?"... She told me that growing up, her dad never helped around the house. Her mom and her siblings did everything. She says she also sees it in other families. She feels like the woman is expected to do all those things, and she's feels like she's not keeping up with the norm. I don't want her to feel this way! I have never told her I want things done like that, but who knows, maybe my actions have been saying that. I want to help, but I am a horrible cook... I still try sometimes though. Also I don't have an eye like she does for jumping right on top of things that need to be done, because most of the time I think it looks fine to start with, or I just forget it needs to get done.
So the only thing I could figure was to make a list of things that have to get done from day to day, week by week, etc. and divide it up between us, alternating days. She said that would be great. So that way, if my day goes by and the next one comes around and the things I was supposed to do didn't get done, I can look at the list and say, yep, I messed up and didn't do my part.. period. So no more of this trying to figure out what's enough, always guessing, etc. stuff. Hopefully it works. Does this sound like a plan that will work? As anyone else been through this? What has helped you come together to make sure you both were sharing the work equally? Is it possible? I know we are going to try.
BeLikeJob
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Post by belikejob on May 17, 2006 18:49:44 GMT -5
Well, it turns out the lump is probably not cancer, but my doctor still wants to get x-rays just to make sure. It's a cyst, but the doctor said, because it's not rock hard, because it can move around a little bit, and because it's sore to the touch... he thinks that it's not cancer. He said he would be willing to put money on it, but he still wants to be safe. I need to make an appointment for my x-ray soon. It is a big relief though. Thank you Lord.
Be Strong BeLikeJob
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Post by belikejob on May 20, 2006 1:58:06 GMT -5
Things have been going well lately with staying away from temptations. Things are starting to get a little bit tense between my wife and I. I can't put my finger on when it started. We just recently moved and we are trying to get adjusted to the new area and trying to make new friends. I guess that among other things has been pretty stressful on us. I really want to be closer to her and to stop having so many stupid disagreements and arguments. Sigh.... Still working on things....
BeLikeJob
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Post by belikejob on May 22, 2006 21:08:24 GMT -5
Things have been going a lot better with my wife the past couple of days. We are finally starting to get back on track. We are getting better at seeing an argument coming our way and then dodging it. I'm keeping my eyes in check and I've volunteered to keep the count on the 1000 day thread. I really want to try to encourage everyone on here the best I can. I want to stay serious about recovery and help other people stay serious about recovery. There was this guy on here today who went on a rampage and... I don't know what his deal is. There are a lot of people on this board who are serious about recovery ..... and... there are trolls. Posting p links on your threads is not being serious about recovery and I'm sure most people would agree. I hope today's rampage didn't hurt anyone and that they continue to stay strong in their fight. 57 days.....
BeLikeJob
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step1
Full Member
Make it positive!
Posts: 155
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Post by step1 on May 23, 2006 8:17:31 GMT -5
BelikeJob,
Very impressive recovery so far. You are strong. Keep it up buddy. I am hoping to work my way back up to a month this June!
step1
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Post by belikejob on May 23, 2006 14:06:33 GMT -5
Hey step1, thanks... but believe me I'm not strong... I truly believe that it's only with God's help that I've made it this far. Coming to this board everyday helps me out a lot too. It's a constant reminder of the reasons that I know I have to stop. I'm pulling for you too bro... one day at a time and you'll be at a month in no time.
BeLikeJob
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step1
Full Member
Make it positive!
Posts: 155
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Post by step1 on May 29, 2006 17:52:07 GMT -5
Right on man. Some times staying P free can be such a struggle, and other times (or days) it can be so darn easy when you are occupied, away from a computer, with other people, etc.
I am very thankful for this board. We have a lot of people like ourselves out there (and many more who are much worse off and not even acknowledging the problem or making any effort to change). I hope more and more of them find this board and find more areas of support.
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recoverer
Full Member
No P since 27/06/07 and it is going to stay that way!
Posts: 155
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Post by recoverer on May 29, 2006 18:24:03 GMT -5
I am part of that. I think it is a great concept. It will help you suceed because it is interactive. Keep at it Belikejob I hope you reach the 100 day mark soon.
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Post by belikejob on Jun 1, 2006 22:21:41 GMT -5
Thanks for the encouragement recoverer... God willing I'll get there. You stay strong too.
BeLikeJob
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Post by belikejob on Jun 4, 2006 23:54:53 GMT -5
Today is day 70. I've been away from home for work about a week now (hotels, etc. ) and I'm doing ok. Thank the Lord. I've really been trying to stay busy and if I watch t.v. late at night I try to stay away from channel surfing. I'll be back together with my wife in one week. It does get harder when I'm away from her, but it's not as hard as it used to be. It feels like my frame of mind is beginning to change. I'm seeing other women in a different way. The PA mindset of objectifying women is starting to fade away. I'm starting to think that this may not be a popular thing to say around here as of late, but in my life, I KNOW that I couldn't have made as far as I have without Jesus Christ in my life. I'm trying hard to keep my mind on him and the way I know He wants me to live my life. I know He wants all of us to be free of this. I honestly feel so much more free and happy when I know I'm living right. 30 days from now I'll hit my 100 day goal. As Guy would say... Let's stay sober, just for today. Be Strong BeLikeJob
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Post by belikejob on Jun 11, 2006 22:51:02 GMT -5
Possible triggers...
I'm now on day 77. I got back from my trip for work today. My wife was able to spend the last 2 days of it with me. Because I would work late in the day, my sleep started getting messed up. I would wake up later and later and of course go to sleep later and later. I had a male roommate on the trip who, like me, wants to keep p/mb out of his life. This helped out a lot. The later we stayed up the more risque the things would get on t.v. I've noticed that "singles lines" or whatever it is, happens to be a popular thing to pop up on late night commercials. It usually has some girl/girls on there with tight clothes on, etc., talking about the phone line. There were also commercials that would come on at night for girls gone wild videos. I remember seeing commercials for these things when they first came out when I was a lot younger. When they would come on, my roommate or I would turn the channel. There was never any nudity, because they would blank things out, etc. I was good with changing the channel right away when these things came on, but as the week went on, the glances that I would get of these commercials piled up. It really made me sick.
I talked to my wife about the trashy things on the t.v. and how frustrating they were to me. Even though we didn't feel like I lost my sobriety, I didn't feel like catching glances of those things helped me out any either, and if anything it was teetering on the line of "going to the dark side". I know the feeling all too well. Looking back, I don't think it was wise to stay up watching t.v. What else could I have done? Hmmm? I guess I'll have to work on finding other things to do. I'm sure it won't be hard and I know that I would feel a lot better at the end of the trip. I remember the late night t.v. when I was in Europe. The late night t.v. there was straight up P. I'm happy that I don't have to worry about running into that here, but I know that even though it's not "P", it's still not good for me. I have another trip coming up in two weeks. I won't have my friend in the room with me to help keep me in check. I'm going to have to watch myself a lot closer and get better at staying as far away from "the line" as possible and not letting things in my head that will only make me weaker. Please keep me strong Lord.
BeLikeJob
P.S. I added to my off limits list,--- Staying up late at night to watch t.v., with the sole purpose of "possibly seeing something". I'm going to be honest with myself. I know when I've crossed the line and when I haven't. Adding this to the list will help me stay away from that line.
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Post by belikejob on Jun 13, 2006 13:27:58 GMT -5
Hey I'm back. Day 79 has arrived. Things have been going great now that I'm back home. I'm so happy that I'm able to be honest with my wife and talk to her about my recovery. She'll look over and see me typing on the board and ask me how things are going. She tells me that she's proud of me that I've made it so far. I love my wife. I used to be doing the setting the captives free thing, but since getting back from my trip I've had a hard time picking it back up. I need to get back into that.
I feel like my prayer life is slipping. I know that I always need the Lord's help to make it from day to day. I've had this problem before... I would start out depending strongly on the Lord, and as things got easier, I started to try and do things on my own...
It's like in the Superman movie when Lois and Superman are flying over New York together and she gets so comfortable with him that she loosens up their embrace and puts her arm out. Seeing that shes still ok, she moves down the arm, until she's holding his hand. It's almost as if she's flying all by herself. You can see what she's thinking... 'hmmm, maybe I don't need him all that much, I just might have enough in me to make it myself.' She slides down further to the point that she's only got a finger latched on to his finger. Finally, she wants to try it on her own... she lets go...AAHH!!.. She falls down through the clouds heading fast toward the ground screaming all the way. Superman flies down to save her. Did she really think she could fly on her own? Yeah. She got overconfident and comfortable and felt like she could handle it herself. I hope that I never start to depend on myself. I've done that before and I always fail every time.
Well, just checking in. I guess I've been here for a while now. I want to keep coming back here as long as I can to write about my temptations. Please Lord help me to always resist evil... I know that's what p is. I can't look at it any other way than that. Tomorrow is day 80.....
BeLikeJob
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