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Post by belikejob on Aug 4, 2007 23:26:37 GMT -5
It's going well. Day at a time. :-)
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Post by larus on Aug 5, 2007 3:10:39 GMT -5
 good to hear that. |
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Post by MrOuch on Aug 5, 2007 11:27:33 GMT -5
blj,
Glad to see you're doing well. Sometimes, it sounds like such a patent answer, but truth be known: "One day at a time" is all we can hope for. Keep strong.
MrOuch
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Post by MrOuch on Sept 10, 2007 12:45:21 GMT -5
blj,
Just checking in on you. How are you doing?
MrOuch
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Post by belikejob on Oct 13, 2007 19:07:44 GMT -5
Hey Mr. Ouch...
Thanks for checking on me. Sorry I haven't checked my journal in a while. Things have been going really well. I was pretty tempted today so I decided to come to the board and see what was going on. Feeling better now.
Well, I'm a dad now. Our little boy came 6 weeks early so we've been pretty busy since August. It's a great feeling being a dad, it's different. Since he's been born I've had this feeling of not wanting to let him down by failing. It's almost like I feel like if a fail and keep this in my life he'll be doomed to follow in my footsteps unless I can be some kind of example to him. I know he makes all of his own choices, but I feel like the way I act has a lot to do with how he will act when he's older. Maybe it's just me that feels like this... but hey.. it's helping.
God bless...
BLJ
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Post by MrOuch on Oct 18, 2007 12:32:07 GMT -5
BLJ, Glad to hear from you. This is a good place to come to if you're feeling tempted. Take strength from where you have come from and where you're life is now. Congrats on the baby. They're cute, but they sure do require alot of maintenance  I agree with you in that you need to set a good example for you child to follow. Kids are a lot more in tune with what's going on than we realize. I know my kids are more appreciative of me now than when I was involved with P. Or maybe it's me that's more appreciative of my time with them. In either case, it's a good thing. I pray that everything is good with you. Check in again when you feel the need. Your friend, MrOuch |
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Post by MrOuch on Nov 17, 2007 23:06:05 GMT -5
BLJ,
Saw you reset your counter to zero today. What gives? Keep us informed.
MrOuch
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Post by belikejob on Nov 19, 2007 15:04:01 GMT -5
I was going to write on here right after it happened, but I just wanted to wait and get my thoughts together before I did. How do I start this... One of the main problems is the fact that I've really been struggling in my faith lately. They're questions that I've had for years, but I never seem to talk to the right person to answer them. When I do seek out answers on the internet to the tough questions on the bible, etc., I'll usually come across something that will raise even more questions. I would call myself the typical American Christian - grew up in the church... but still knows very little about "the whole bible". Like most Christians I only know the parts that are regularly taught at church. There's a lot more to the bible then the parts that are typically preached. If there's something that I need help with in my life I'll go to the back, look up the word, and it will give me verses that can help me. That's usually as far as my daily (more like weekly) studying goes. There are parts that after all these years I still don't quite understand. It doesn't mean that I want to throw out my faith.... I just know that my faith would be stronger if I understood more. I'm all about people being honest with their struggles, whether with their faith, or with lust, etc... but with these questions I have... I feel like they might hurt other people's faith if they're brought up. BUT - I know if the questions I have that keep coming up stay unanswered, it will only continue to hurt my faith. I would love to have the faith of a child and "just believe"... But, that's not how my mind works. I know bringing up questions may get a lot of different answers, but my main purpose is not to discourage others in their faith, but to encourage them to find answers themselves so that their faith isn't a "blind faith". In my future posts when questions do come up, please give a biblically based answers. I know that it can be easy to give an answer based on what you feel, but if everyone gave an answer based on how they felt then we would have a lot of different answers. When someone is searching for the truth, personal opinions don't help (hope that didn't come off mean). Our main source of truth should come from the bible right? We have so many different denominations that either say that the bible says different things or that certain passages mean different things. Why is there so much disagreement on what the bible has to say (the one thing that should unite us)? What about these new churches that popping up on t.v. that tell us God wants us to be rich and that we should have the best that life has to offer? Where is this found in the bible? Jesus said to his disciples, "I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." Matthew 19:23-24 He never said that being a Christian would make life on earth better - "Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me." Matthew 5:11 .... Okay, I'll stop here. I could go on a while, but I can pick this back up in another post - on to the main problem at hand. I got back into things that I told myself I would get back into. In the past the site youtube had been a big part of my "slips". I would, 90% of the time, get on the site with pure intentions. Mostly to look up videos of musicians. Sometimes searches would bring up videos of things having nothing to do with what I was searching for. The internet has always been like that with me. Sooner or later something comes across my view that I have the choice to just move on or click on whatever it is that tempts me. That's just part of being on the internet... I guess it's just harder when I'm alone. Youtube however has been a place that constantly has scantly clad girls and other things like that (and sometimes worse) coming into my view. The truth is that I'm not very good at just moving on when it happens time after time. I click on it - even though I know better. I've said before that I was going to stay away from the site... period. Then I said I was going to stay away from it when I'm alone, but only watch videos with my wife. But she doesn't like to sit there and watch saxophone videos with me. She has other things to do... so I went back to watching videos alone thinking I'd be okay. Of course it was the wrong choice. I went from things popping in front of me to running searches for those very things that "upset me" only days earlier.  So, I'm not going back to that site. It's just too big of a temptation for me. I really want to become stronger in my faith and my relationship with God, but these things are holding me back. Lust and the constant unanswered questions that both fill my head. Okay... sorry... too much to read, I know. Lots more later, including questions - please feel free to reply with any answers to questions you've had in the past or current questions you have that we can help each other answer. Or anything that you are currently doing to keep you from lust/porn/etc. God bless, Hungering for Purity and Truth BLJ |
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Post by larus on Nov 19, 2007 15:54:29 GMT -5
hi Belikejob,
sorry to hear that. We've all been there, it is sad really. Apart from restricting your internet access, is there any outside support for you with this addiction? Would it be an option?
The religion questions... there are so many christian movements I cannot identify with at all. But that is not to say Christianity has no value for me. If you want to really dive into the Old Testament for instance, it might be interesting to see if there are any study groups where you can learn about the Torah, about the Jewish way. I found that very enlightening.
Anyway, as usual I wish you the best and good luck getting back on track!
larus
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Post by MrOuch on Nov 20, 2007 11:46:36 GMT -5
BLJ, Great post. A lot to digest. Now, an excessively long post for you. First regarding your slip. The quick and seemingly easy solution is to just stop visiting YouTube. There. Problem fixed, right? Well, not exactly. What happened between the time when you were visiting here regularly, and the time when you slipped? I suspect you forgot to sharpen the saw. Let me explain. Steven Covey, in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People uses the analogy of a woodcutter who is sawing for several days straight and is becoming less and less productive. The process of cutting dulls the blade. So the solution is to periodically sharpen the saw--the 7th habit. This is basically a self-renewing process, a sharpening. Covey outlines 4 aspects of well-being that he espouses as being critical. They are: Physical Spiritual Mental Social So, how are your various blades doing? Your skills, your knowledge, your mind, your physical body, your relationships, your motivation, your commitment, your capacity for enjoyment, your emotions — are all of them still sharp? If not, which ones are dull, and what can you do to sharpen them? Perhaps one of these dull blades lead to your slip. I'm not trying to extol this as the perfect model to succeed in life, but there are a number of valid points and terrific insights that Covey makes in this book. As far as faith is concerned, I was struggling with both my faith and my P addiction at the same time, when I ran across the following: [Jesus said,] "If you obey my teaching . . .you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."
John 8:31-32
A college girl asked her mother, "How can you be sure Jesus' teachings are true?" Her mother's response surprised her: "You can be convinced in only one way," her mother said, "by living them. If you live Jesus' teachings, they will speak to your heart and tell your heart that they are true." Her mother explained: "For example, if you forgive enemies, you will, eventually, discover that this is the true thing to do. And if you don't judge others rashly, you will, eventually, discover that this is the true thing to do." The mother's remarkable response is precisely the point that Jesus makes in today's reading.
Copyright (c) 1996 by Mark Link, S.J., This story struck a chord within me, and I have kept this passage close with me at all times. It is my inspiration. How do I learn the teachings of Christ? By reading them. I find great comfort in reading the bible. It is a book filled with great wisdom. I don't know enough about other religious ways, nor do I choose to learn them. I can't spend my life studying the multitude of religions out there. So I chose Christianity. Some may say it's closed minded/ethnocentric to espouse Christianity. I would counter that I have found the truth and I am free because of it. As a Catholic, I use the daily readings at EWTN www.ewtn.com/Devotionals/inspiration.htm I usually follow this up with a visit to the daily homily from Monsignor Dennis Clark at www.catholicexchange.com/more_articles?tid=62. I love Msgr. Clark's daily insights. For another approach, I sometimes use the bible in a year link at Crosswalk.com bible.crosswalk.com/BibleInAYear/ It's a bit longer, as they're trying to fit the bible into 365 daily readings, but it's very good if you want to track your progress. As for all the denominations and inconsistent theologies, I leave that for others to fret about. I refuse to get caught up in a debate over semantics. I don't agree with some of the precepts of the Church, but that doesn't mean that everyone who does is going to Hell. It is not my place to decide that. The big guy upstairs makes the final decisions there. I read and try to understand for myself. I listen to sermons both Catholic and on Christian radio and it helps me understand the Word better. As far as new churches and t.v. churches, I view them with suspicious eyes. I remember Jim Bakker starting out as a devout man of God, then ending up with gold plated sinks, an air-conditioned dog house and a Federal conviction for Fraud. 3 If anyone teaches false doctrines and does not agree to the sound instruction of our Lord Jesus Christ and to godly teaching, 4 he is conceited and understands nothing. He has an unhealthy interest in controversies and quarrels about words that result in envy, strife, malicious talk, evil suspicions 5 and constant friction between men of corrupt mind, who have been robbed of the truth and who think that godliness is a means to financial gain.
6 But godliness with contentment is great gain. 7 For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. 8 But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. 9 People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. 10 For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs. 11 But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness.
--------1 Timothy 6:3-11 Sorry for the hijacking of your thread. I give it back to you now. Be well today. MrOuch |
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Post by belikejob on Nov 23, 2007 2:12:44 GMT -5
Hey guys thanks for the reply.
To larus - yes, I have covenant eyes on my computer. So instead of visiting a real p site I looked for things on youtube.
Yeah, that's one thing I really need to do is dive into the bible and really work on understanding it.
To MrOuch -
I don't feel as though my thread was hijacked out all :-)
Sharpening my blades... I like that. Yeah, when I left the board I was hoping that I had "moved on" in a way. Not a whole lot about me changed... I guess just the fact that I let the questions eat away at me. That's a good thing to do, to not let the small things bother you... that's something I could work on.
I'd like to give a longer reply, but it's been a long day and I'm pretty tired. Thanks for taking the time to really put some things out there. I'll definitely keep them in mind. I really want to try to start reading the bible at least once a day. It doesn't matter to me what I read... just SOMETHING. How can my questions be answered if I'm not looking for them on a daily basis?
Happy Thanksgiving!
BLJ
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Post by belikejob on Dec 15, 2007 5:25:32 GMT -5
I'm back... and I've fallen pretty hard. The past couple days I've been looking at porn. Yep, not youtube, not myspace, not yahoo news photos... real porn. I've become numb. My eyes are dry. It's getting to the point that I almost feel like it's okay... or not a big deal. I've been down this road before.
The truth is that I'm a huge hypocrite. I look back and remember when I had my big stretch of sobriety and wonder where that guy went. How did I get back to this point? I really thought that it would never happen to me again. I looked at the other guys writing like I am right now and I thought, 'I'm so happy that's never going to be me again'... Man, what a joke.
One of the worst things about it is the fact that I have a son now. I remember thinking that I would never do anything like this after I had kids. I would be a good example for them. Man... what happened to me? The worst part is that I feel like the porning isn't over. I have thoughts of, "well, it always happens again anyway, so what's the point of trying".
Deep down I truly want to stop. I really do. It just seems like I can't (sometimes, to be honest... I don't want to). I really don't know what my problem is. I'm tired of being a disappointment to my wife too. I have the strangest ways of thinking. Sometimes I think 'I'll stop on or after an important date... Like Christmas, or the new year'. Why don't I just stop NOW?? Or I tell myself that I'll stop porn, but I don't want to remember the last thing that I mb'ed to. So, I have to wait till I mb to something other than porn so I clear myself of the last thing I saw - so I don't go through life always thinking of what I watched "the last time". WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?
Wow... people will actually read this. What if my wife saw this... or my son someday? What if I had seen that my dad/spouse had written something like this? I'd think that they were out of there mind! I know that if I was reading this somewhere else I'd probably shake my head and say... "Man, that guy is messed up". Man, I'm really lost. I've gotten so far away from God. I don't read my bible anymore... I don't pray. What happened to me?!?
Wouldn't it be great if this WAS the last time? Wouldn't it? Or will this just continue to be another sad story?
I'll take prayers from anyone who remembers me...
BLJ
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Post by larus on Dec 15, 2007 9:48:48 GMT -5
hey belikejob I feel your desperation. It is tough - but you are not defeated. I'm back... and I've fallen pretty hard. The past couple days I've been looking at porn. Yep, not youtube, not myspace, not yahoo news photos... real porn. I've become numb. My eyes are dry. It's getting to the point that I almost feel like it's okay... or not a big deal. I've been down this road before. It's not ok of course and you know it. The truth is that I'm a huge hypocrite. I look back and remember when I had my big stretch of sobriety and wonder where that guy went. How did I get back to this point? I really thought that it would never happen to me again. I looked at the other guys writing like I am right now and I thought, 'I'm so happy that's never going to be me again'... Man, what a joke. tell me about it... Thank you for writing this, it reminds me how close the danger is. Where did he go? Nowhere, he is still there. He is waiting for you to give him his chance again. One of the worst things about it is the fact that I have a son now. I remember thinking that I would never do anything like this after I had kids. I would be a good example for them. Man... what happened to me? The worst part is that I feel like the porning isn't over. I have thoughts of, "well, it always happens again anyway, so what's the point of trying". It doesn't always happen again. There are people here who got out. It can be done. You have to keep up hope. Deep down I truly want to stop. I really do. It just seems like I can't (sometimes, to be honest... I don't want to). I really don't know what my problem is. I'm tired of being a disappointment to my wife too. I have the strangest ways of thinking. Sometimes I think 'I'll stop on or after an important date... Like Christmas, or the new year'. Why don't I just stop NOW?? Or I tell myself that I'll stop porn, but I don't want to remember the last thing that I mb'ed to. So, I have to wait till I mb to something other than porn so I clear myself of the last thing I saw - so I don't go through life always thinking of what I watched "the last time". WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT? It is called addictspeak. Wow... people will actually read this. What if my wife saw this... or my son someday? What if I had seen that my dad/spouse had written something like this? I'd think that they were out of there mind! I know that if I was reading this somewhere else I'd probably shake my head and say... "Man, that guy is messed up". Man, I'm really lost. I've gotten so far away from God. I don't read my bible anymore... I don't pray. What happened to me?!? It is frightening. The only place to look for a solution, the only place where faith and strength can take root is within yourself. Humility comes to mind. We cannot expect our problems to be solved by something/someone from the outside. To begin with, we are not in a position to expect that from anyone. We must see to our own problems. All we can do is strive to make our contribution to the Kingdom and ask God for strength and directions. Even if it seems impossibly hard, that is the way to go. There is light at the end of the tunnel I firmly believe. Wouldn't it be great if this WAS the last time? Wouldn't it? Or will this just continue to be another sad story? It would be, belikejob. You had a long stretch of sobriety, but you went off track. You can do another long stretch, who knows how long. We will never be safe, but we can grow. I'll take prayers from anyone who remembers me... That would be me, for one. I pray for your return to sobriety and a healthy mindset. Find support, as much as you can, don't hesitate to write here, we are here for support as well. Best wishes from another scared and uncertain recovering person. |
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Post by MrOuch on Dec 17, 2007 21:22:38 GMT -5
BLJ,
C'mon. I know you can do better than this. I remember you as a strong committed Christian. I know that person is still inside you, you just have to find him.
Here's what I remember about youfrom before: You used to post daily. You used to pray daily. You used to correspond with 1cor10. You used to post encouragement to many here. You were porn free.
Here's what I know about you now. You rarely post. You're struggling with your connection with God. You don't post outside your journal. You're swimming in a sea of porn.
Notice a change?
The one thing I could tell you about this porn thing, is that when you stop working against porn, it starts working on you. It slowly and insidiously weasles its way back into your life if you don't actively resist it. What have you been doing to actively resist? What is your strategy? Where are you going? Do you want your little child to wander in on you some day while you're deep in a porn fog binge?
What is stopping you from quitting? You are.
Be clean today. You can do this. You have done it. You can do it again.
MrOuch
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Post by witness on Dec 18, 2007 5:12:17 GMT -5
Try taking a free course at:
Setting Captives Free
or
Recovery Nation
This takes work. But you can do it. We always have a choice.
God bless!
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I agree with you in that you need to set a good example for you child to follow. Kids are a lot more in tune with what's going on than we realize. I know my kids are more appreciative of me now than when I was involved with P. Or maybe it's me that's more appreciative of my time with them. In either case, it's a good thing. I pray that everything is good with you. Check in again when you feel the need.
