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Post by belikejob on Apr 10, 2006 14:56:03 GMT -5
Ok, here I am. I know this is a good thing for me. I've been a member here since March 26, 2006. That was the last day I looked at p and mb'd. It was hard for me to go and tell my wife about it... again. I know that she was at the point that she didn't believe that I really wanted to stop any more.
That night I wrote down this prayer to God:
I'm ready Lord. I've tried so many times before. I know that I could be fooling myself. I know I've felt this time and time again. Please help me. To make a covenant with my eyes. Why is it so difficult? I'm ready to give you my best. I'm ready to give my wife my best. Please give me strength.
BelikeJob
The next day started day one of my journey. So far I have been p and mb free 15 days.
My story may contain TRIGGERS...
I'm 24 years old, I had looked at porn since I was about 11 or 12. Internet, videos at friends houses, and magazines. During high school I really didn't think much of it. I knew it was wrong, but I never felt like I wanted to stop. I grew up in the church and my family was a good family. I never knew of my dad having a problem like this. There was once when he saw the history of something I had looked at on the computer. He came in my room and didn't seem too upset. He just said, "Be careful with some of the things you are searching for and looking at on the internet". That was it. I was about 16 at the time. I wonder if he knew what I had been looking at the whole time I lived at home, but wasn't able to talk to me about it? I don't know. I'm not blaming anything on him. I'm responsible for my actions. But, it may have helped. I know this for sure... from the get go my son is going to know that p and sex outside of marriage is a sin.
I was 14 when I first became sexually active. I had a couple girlfriends through high school. After having sex with the first girlfriend, I decided that I didn't want to go "all the way" anymore. So from then on I did everything, but "intercourse" with girls -- (like that made it any better... but at the time, in my mind, it was ok).
I called myself a Christian, but I really never acted like it. I looked like everyone else at church. Even after I moved out of the house, the p watching continued. There were many times that I tried to stop. I knew one day I would get married and I didn't ever want to bring this horrible thing into my marriage. Well, I met my soon to be wife and the porn watching stopped. I really thought it was over. I felt free, like it would never be a problem again. When we were dating we tried not to get too physical, but we were both very weak at the time spiritually. We ended up going too far too fast. After we got engaged we tried everything to stop being physical with each other. We even tried to stop kissing because we knew where it would always lead. After we got engaged, that did work. We asked for God's forgiveness and that He would help us stay pure. It was so hard to go backwards. I wish that I had been able to be stronger when we first met. I wish I had been stronger in the Lord. I know that the mistakes we made really effected us early on in our marriage. We didn't respect each other. We are still to this day trying to build our respect back up for each other.
Anyway, I know that I had exchanged p for sinning w/ my future wife. Once we were married we started fighting like we never had before. She even brought up divorce.. in the FIRST MONTH. One month later, (about a year ago), I failed for the first time... in a long time. I told my wife about it, and she was very hurt. Since then, that same scenario has happened more then I can count on two hands. I know that I have lost a lot of her trust. Every time it happened I honestly felt like it would be the last time. I would tell her that it was the last time. She has been so great. She has really believed in me. Since we got married her relationship with God has grown. Mine, has not. It's so sad that p has kept me from having a true relationship with Jesus. I've always known what I needed to do. I have just never been able to do it. One thing I do know--- If I can't end this grip of constant sin in my life, I will go to hell.
I'm going to be honest about my struggle on here. My main goal is for no p and no mb for 100 days and then from there I will make another goal. I also want to be more attentive to what I let into my eyes, ears, and home. I know that I can make this goal, but if my heart doesn't change, and I can't learn to bounce my eyes from things that cause me to lust, it's all in vain. I hope that this will be a time for the Lord to turn me inside out and change me and make me whole. I want to, for the first time, call myself a Christian and really believe it. Please help me stay strong Lord.
Belikejob 15 days strong
P.S. I am open to comments and encouragement (I know people don't usually comment on the journals board). If anyone has any advice/wisdom/thoughts/reactions, please feel free to post them as I go through this journey.
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Post by belikejob on Apr 11, 2006 1:54:22 GMT -5
I've been reading a couple of posts on here since I joined that are really hitting home. I want to start posting them on my journal as things I would like to come back to read to help remind me of some of the consequences that can come from p*'s grip on our lives. Gone are the excuses that p* doesn't hurt anyone else...
This post was made by ceegee today in the partners forum... --------------------- As some of you know, I just recently came back to the board. I am still in this horrible vortex of filth with my husband. I met a wonderful young woman thru a group for military spouses a few months back. She too has an h addicted to porn. What a wonderful person, always there to pick me up and we could console each other. Her husband was arrested from the military because of sending porn thru a work computer (USMC). I told my husband a million times about work and that they would find out about his internet activity. Her husband was arrested 2 months ago-she has a 6 month old baby and a 4 yr. old too. She went to Canada to visit her family and to make plans to move back with her mother. She was at my house just days ago. I just got an email from her sister. Sue was in a car accident in Canada and died 6 hours later in the hospital. These babies will never know their wonderful mother. She suffered enough at being shamed by her husband and now she is dead. I can't understand any of this. Her sister told me that her father threatened to kill her husband. IF she were not trying to move and get on with her life, she would be alive. My wonderful husband took my children on a vacation for spring break. It can't get it thru his sick head that another life is not only hurt but lost because of this. His consolation was very lacking. I need you all right now-please pray for me and any words would be such comfort. Christi -----------------
This is tragic. It's really amazing how something that we could consider so insignificant could ultimately destroy our lives and the lives of those around us. Please Lord give them strength as they go through this.
God bless, BeLikeJob
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Post by belikejob on Apr 14, 2006 1:51:17 GMT -5
I'm back, Well, it's been 18 days and I think I'm starting to feel some of the effects. I've been reading some of the boards on here and I've seen people talking about the withdrawal symptoms they go through. I wasn't sure what I thought about it, but I know it's effecting me mentally. I don't think I've been going through anything too extreme, but I feel .... uh, how do I put this? I guess I just feel weird. Maybe I'm not drinking enough water hahaha. I just feel kinda weak. I'm not in the mood as much as I used to be. I'm tired. I don't know if that's related. Maybe I'm stressed from work. When I go to bed at night... some nights are better than others... I start getting these attacks. Images come pouring into my head. I try and block out all of them out. Sometimes I'll feel myself wanting to hang onto one and when I can feel myself failing I'll get up and go do something else. I guess it just means I'm not tired enough to go to bed. No point in torturing myself. I guess I'll figure it out after a couple more days/weeks/months go by what the problem is. I know this for sure... my life is better without it. I guess the memories take longer to get rid of. I'm working on it though ... I'm still p and mb free. I'm working on shooting down the thoughts right when they come in my mind. Stay strong BeLikeJob
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Post by belikejob on Apr 24, 2006 13:00:22 GMT -5
Just checking in. I've made it 29 days with no mb or p . Almost a month. I'm doing better with keeping myself from going over my line of no return. "The Line" I think, is different from one person to the next. The line usually gets crossed is when I'm home alone (usually that is the time it was the easiest for me to fail (sin)). Whether it is watching something on t.v. or being on the computer, I know that I could go over the edge any moment if I let myself. I know what it would mean though and it's not worth it. It would mean hurting my relationship with God, losing the trust of my wife. That's been another thing that has been going well, I don't feel guilty walking into church anymore, it feels so refreshing. Same with my wife, our trust and respect is deepening. Well, I guess no news on here is good news. Be Strong BeLikeJob
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Post by belikejob on Apr 27, 2006 15:27:52 GMT -5
32 days.... Thank you Lord
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Post by belikejob on Apr 28, 2006 1:37:21 GMT -5
I'm going to start trying to give more attention to my wife.
I feel like up to this point I've always given her a good amount of attention... I think I just want to change the ways that I give her attention. We spend a lot of time watching movies together. That's something we both like doing.
-I want to try to start to help her with things around the house more. -When I hear her in the kitchen go in and try and help. -If she is struggling with something she is studying try and help her out. -Ask her to go on more walks with me. -Go to the gym together. -Study the bible together.
Hopefully these things will bring us closer together if I can keep them up.
BeLikeJob
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Post by belikejob on May 1, 2006 2:34:22 GMT -5
36 Days.
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Post by belikejob on May 1, 2006 2:35:13 GMT -5
Sorry not a whole lot exciting going on... but I am doing well.
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Post by belikejob on May 3, 2006 19:32:54 GMT -5
Welcome to day 38.
Possible TRIGGERS!!!!!...
I have made an update to my list of things I want to stay away from in addition to no p* and no mb. I know that there are other things that can be triggering/cause me to lust and eventually act out and lose my sobriety.
Well, yesterday I was on myspace. My wife and I have a joint profile to keep in touch with friends we've made over the years. I have had bad run-ins with myspace in the past. Whether it be surfing in profiles that I know I don't need to be looking at or videos on myspace. Well, yesterday I was looking at different videos on myspace. They have different sections. I was looking at the sports section. There were some great videos in there. There were also some not so great videos in there. No nudity that I saw, but definitely videos sexual in nature. I didn't click on any of these videos, but when you are in a search, there is a still clip of a part of each movie. There were videos of girls in swimsuits/bras in the sports section. What they were doing there?!?... I don't know. I'm sure the person just put the video in each category so it would get viewed more. Anyway, I found myself looking through to see what other sports videos were there even though I knew I could still be running into that stuff. I should've left right when I starting seeing that stuff was in there. I knew I was not going to click on the videos, but the still shots are something I don't need to see or think about. Anyway the myspace video section is now on my "off limits period" list. Even though there are a lot of awesome, funny videos on there, it's not worth searching through there, possibly running into that stuff and sooner or later clicking on it to watch.
Another thing now on the "off limits period" list is the random surfing through myspace profiles. What's the point... you know you're gonna come across something you don't need to be looking at soon or later. Why push the line? ---
*Update-- as of July 20, 2006, the myspace website is now part of my "off limits period" list.
---
My "off limits period-will end my sobriety if I seek these things out" list now includes- [trigger]1. Porn (added March 26, 2006) 2. Masterbation (added March 26, 2006) 3. Sexy Reviling Mags of any kind made to look at skin (Maxim, FHM, Victoria Secret) (added May 3, 2006) 4. Bra/Underwear Ads (added May 3, 2006) 5. Looking at any kind of personals site/ads for any reason (added July 19, 2006)
Things I will not look at unless it's with my wife-- 6. Myspace (added July 20, 2006) 7. Youtube (added August 21, 2006) [/trigger]
List of "triggering things that will lead me down the path of acting out and losing my sobriety"- [trigger]1. Celeb Mags (All the red carpet stuff with the reviling dresses) (added May 3, 2006) 2. Staying up late at night to watch t.v., with the sole purpose of "possibly seeing something". (added June 11, 2006). 3. Soaking in revealing covers of magazines in grocery aisle, or revealing covers of dvd's in the movie rental store. (added July 15, 2006) 4. Ogling women on any occasion for any reason. (added July 15, 2006) 5. Not throwing away lustful thoughts the moment they enter my mind (added July 15, 2006) [/trigger]
Well, my list is growing, but I know that in my life I need more than just no p* and mb to have a real change of heart take place. I put my triggers in black and white so I won't be able to claim ignorance when they are put in front of me and I want to tell myself that these things are ok to do or look at. I'm not trying to be legalistic... but this is something I NEED to do in order to help with my recovery. I want to feel like I have TRUE sobriety and recovery from day to day. I know that if I look at any of those things in the list, most of the time lustful thoughts can and will come up.
That's all for now.
Striving for TRUE SOBRIETY
Be Strong BeLikeJob
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Post by belikejob on May 5, 2006 0:17:02 GMT -5
Day 39 in the bag. Day 40 is right around the corner..... Thank you for giving me strength Jesus. Be Strong BeLikeJob
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Post by larus on May 5, 2006 4:00:38 GMT -5
belikejob, congratulations on 39 days. You are having a great start! Would you care to expand on True sobriety? What is it and how will you find it?
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Post by belikejob on May 5, 2006 17:24:38 GMT -5
Hey larus,
Well to answer your question on true sobriety, "what is it and how will you find it?"... True sobriety... to me... is something I think is very difficult to attain. Will I attain true sobriety in my mind? ... well, maybe not anytime soon (or possibly ever). Maybe with my actions I can be sober (no mb, no p, no sex outside marriage, etc.), but having a pure heart, mind, and soul, free from lust is something totally different. I think true sobriety goes beyond just no p and no mb. Believe me, no p and mb is an accomplishment in itself (one I'm still working on), but I've had times that I went awhile without p and mb, and nothing inside me changed. I still looked at women the same way, I still looked at things I knew were not in my best interest to look at, even though they were not technically p. My heart still didn't feel right.
Well, the reason I'm adding things to my "off limits period" list is that I know these are things that lead me to sin in my heart and mind (lust). Some people may be able to look at certain things that most would say is ok and be just fine. I used to tell myself that I was one of those people, but the more I stay away from the "REALLY BAD STUFF", the more I see that the "not so bad stuff" really isn't that great for me either. My definition of True Sobriety is a definition that's always changing... for the better. What I once considered True Sobriety, no p no mb, wasn't changing my heart like I thought it would. I know I need to be "transformed by the renewing of my mind" as the bible says. My mind needs to be renewed to not look at women as objects, to not dwell on old p movies/pictures or old girlfriends, to not take something someone says in an innocent way and turn it around in my mind as some sexual joke, etc., etc., etc. I think the eyes are much easier to control than the mind. But I think as you learn to control your eyes, the control of your mind will follow right along.
How will I find true sobriety? Your guess is as good as mine. I think that's what a lot of people on here on trying to find. Even though I don't know THE answer, I feel like I'm on the right track. I feel like anything that brings me closer to God and further away from sin means I'm probably on the right track, right? That has always been my problem, the things I don't want to do, I do. The things I want to do, I don't do (sound familiar?) I know the Lord wants me to be able to always put this temptation away, it just takes me trusting him to help me (which I don't do enough).
Hope this helped to shed some light on my thoughts on true sobriety. I think it's something that will take a lot of prayer and hard work. What does true sobriety mean to you?
Be Strong BeLikeJob
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Post by belikejob on May 5, 2006 20:54:10 GMT -5
Day 40 has arrived. Thank you Lord! I feel really good. This is a pretty big milestone for me. I've noticed that the number 40 seems to have some pretty big significance in the bible. This comes from the book "The Purpose Driven Life" explaining the significance of 40 Days and why the book should be read over that time span...
You may be asking, why 40 Days? Well, the Bible is very clear that God considers 40 days to be a spiritually significant time period. In fact, in the Bible, any time God wanted to prepare people for His purposes, He took 40 days. For instance: · Noah's life was transformed by 40 days of rain · Moses' life was transformed by 40 days on Mount Sinai · The spies were transformed by 40 days in the Promise Land · David was transformed by Goliath's 40-day challenge · The city of Nineveh was transformed in 40 days · Jesus was empowered for ministry by spending 40 days in the desert · and the disciples were transformed by 40 days with Jesus after the resurrection.
This is something else I found in Matthew 4 1-11 (NIV) ...
Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him and said, "If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread." Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.' " Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. "If you are the Son of God," he said, "throw yourself down. For it is written: " 'He will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.' " Jesus answered him, "It is also written: 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.' " Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. "All this I will give you," he said, "if you will bow down and worship me." Jesus said to him, "Away from me, Satan! For it is written: 'Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.' " Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him.
This has shown me a few things. Jesus had fasted in the desert for 40 days, and then, at his weakest moment, Satan came around to tempt him. I feel like these past couple weeks haven't been as bad as I thought they would be. This could be the time that Satan really starts to attack me from every angle. I hope I will also be able to use the Word of God as a defense... even when I'm feeling weak-
-"And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one." - Matthew 6:13
-"Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak." - Matthew 26:41
-"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." 1 Corinthians 10:13
Be Strong BeLikeJob
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Post by rpl on May 6, 2006 18:53:21 GMT -5
I'm a Christian who is ashamed to admit to a long time P/MB addiction even though I accepted Christ as my savior almost 20 years ago. That makes me a "carnal Christian" During my 129 days of remaining P/MB free I've learned alot about myself and my relationship with Jesus Christ. The "natural man" in me was, is and will be a P/MB addict. It's the "inner man", transformed by His holy spirit, that allows me to keep my natural man in check and remain P/MB free. The spirit transforms the heart, mind and spirit of the "inner man" and it is my willingness to allow the work of the spirit in my life that is my ultimate defense mechanism. We live in a world that is totally carnal in nature. Movies, tv, magazines, women and the way they act and dress(at times) are all whiles of the devil that can easily tempt us and lead us astray. The lessons of Ephesians 6 is called into play here. The believer is fighting a DAILY spiritual battle and there is a need to keep God close and use the tools of spiritual warfare to be victorious. Keeping strong in the word of God and letting HIM transform your inner man is key. You should also bear in mind that the enemy is clever and devious. He knows your weaknesses and will look to exploit them if given even the slightest crack. It's like being on the front lines of a battle with the need to stay alert and ready to beat back any attack, which could come and overwhelm you if you let down your guard! You have a good solid perspective for someone so relatively young(I'm 52). After years of failure in trying to quit P/MB this is the first time I've really worked at trusting Christ to help me be victorious. Your kind words on my journal served as a reminder to me to not be too smug in my recovery and make sure Jesus is kept near every day. Peace, RPL
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Post by belikejob on May 6, 2006 22:10:14 GMT -5
Hey rpl,
Thanks for the compliment and the words of wisdom. I'm really thankful for this board. I'm learning a lot and getting a lot of great advice. Hopefully, some things that I write can help out someone else in some way.
Day 41 and all is well.
Be Strong BelikeJob
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