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Post by underdog on Dec 1, 2004 11:58:14 GMT -5
You are absolutely right Musicmaker. I thought about what you said--I first dismissed it because it didnt correlate with my plan. However, overzealousness for me in the past has led to further addiction. I appreciate your wisdom in knowing that a 'list' of do's and do not's cannot cure the problem. I will persist in creating a spiritual envirmonment, but I will concentrate on help from God--not myself.
It seems almost peaceful to not resist, to say: I could look at p if I wanted, but God doesnt want me to, so I wont. Youre absolutley right, I have misinterpreted the joyful things of life (all movies, internet, ect..) to be evil (though some are) but more importantly, I have been turned against my sexual feelings--they are not evil--my past abuse has taught me they are, but I must confront the fact that they are not and this is extremely difficult. With each passing day of struggle I come to better understand only God can help me. How can I forgive those who have wronged me? How can I realize its not my fault? How can I accept my sexual feelings without indulging in p? How can I face p without burying it?
You are right, I am younger--26, and perhaps these answers must come through time and practice. Anyway, I appreciate your replys and verses, they have helped me. It is wonderful to know I am not alone.
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Post by Musicmaker on Dec 1, 2004 20:26:53 GMT -5
Dear Underdog,
The healthiest thing you can ever do is to become involved in other people's lives, in a healthy way, through things like work, creativity, social events, concerts/ theatre, visiting family, supporting others, etc. This usually only works if you mainly stick to what you do best that is postive, and have always done best, with others, and build on that, however limited its scope may seem. In time, new doors will open, and with a bit of a push, you can walk through them. If you wonder what others can do for you, start thinking about what you could do for them. Personally I have a moderate range of activities involving contact with others, at present, which are healthy, life-giving things that occur because I have built on opportunities that have come my way, by God's grace, and they run alongside the struggles with p which I will always have to face, as any man faces temptations. Desire for p is tough to cope with, but it doesn't have to "have the last word"! Serving and sharing with others will make you stronger.
Don't be side-tracked into thinking that your struggle with p is the single issue in your life. It will always be there (in your past at the very least), but in building things like I've described above, I believe you will grow stronger and, in the end, happier and more at peace. Life is not an arrival, it's a journey. Our lives will always be very difficult, but there is much hope! In a sense we are all like the "Hobbit" in "Lord of the Rings", battling for our lives daily, and sometimes overcoming seemingly impossible odds. As Christian believers we draw our strength from God's Word, which says:
"Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid; for the Lord is my strength and my song, and He has become my salvation. With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation." (Isaiah 12:2-3 RSV)
To try to address the concerns you mentioned: Pray for those who have wronged you, with the prayer the Lord Jesus prayed as He was nailed to the Cross, "Lord, do not lay this sin to their charge." Will the best for them even if you don't feel it, and ask God to help you love them and teach you about His Kingdom through what you have suffered, and do suffer. You may not feel different, but struggling out a half-hearted or angry prayer, crying out to Him, is a wonderful force for healing, which in time will bear fruit. Also, pray for the girls in p; see them as beautiful, sexy human beings, created by God, celebrate that and wish them only the best - pray for their welfare, for they too need help.
Ask God to help you begin channelling your sexuality into heathier areas. This may have to run alongside p for a long time. If you find an understanding partner, she may be willing to let you take photos of her, which can be a tremendous help in channelling away from p, alongside the sexual activity of a married couple together.
A big help I have found when using and facing up to p is "liberty, not licence". We are all called to be free, but we go "over the top" sometimes, and become "greedy". When you are going into denial, think liberty. When you are going into licence (greed), tell it to the Lord just like it is - tell Him how much you want it all, how you are torn both ways, and leave it with Him. Even if you end up using, you have moved a step forward in honesty and integrity.
I hope this helps. Sincerely, Musicmaker
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Post by fooledb4 on Dec 2, 2004 2:03:57 GMT -5
This guy's essays and poems are really good and amusing, too! Be sure to check out "Farts, Defensive Egotism, Sexual Addiction, and a Good Crap Detector." www.sexual-addict.com/essays.htm
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Post by amazon on Dec 14, 2004 14:45:07 GMT -5
Hello....new member here. Probably not many females on the site? Well I am female, into written porn rather than pics, and I carry on elicit affairs online where I can dominate men. I am in a sexless marriage and am a woman with high drives, low self esteem, and am prone to addiction. yes, I am an easy mark for this one! I just realized that this was a huge problem for me, as of Sunday, and am still reeling. I have no idea what I am going to do but I know I have to do it, and that is why I am here. Same as the rest of you I suppose. this sucks and the self loathing is immeasurable. I hope to find some help here.
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Post by hadaad on Dec 15, 2004 10:58:12 GMT -5
I guess I haven't properly introduced myself. I have a journal on here, but I've never given a general profile. My name is Liam and I am addicted to pornography. I started looking at pornography when I was 9 or 10. My father had it lying around, mainly magazines, but I saw some movies in there. When I was 10, I began MBing. It continued like that for the ensuing 18 years. When I met my then-future wife, I knew my life was going to change. After a year-and-a-half of courtship and betrothal, we got married this August. On our honeymoon, she mentioned that she did not want me to look at pornography anymore. I told her that was okay. It was okay. I didn't see anything wrong with the idea. I was married now, and it was time to grow up and get past that stage in my life. For a month and a half, this was not a problem. Then things changed in the marriage a little bit. Daily life got in the way of communication and feelings got a little hurt. I believed that swallowing the hurt and not letting her see that anything was wrong would be the way to go. Then I started staying up late to have alone time. I would play video games, watch television - the usual things that a normal person would do if they didn't have to get up the next morning. I did have to get up the next morning. Our marriage began to get more closed. Neither of us likes confrontation, and that made it harder. The more that was hidden, the harder it was to talk about anything that mattered. Late-night television became late-night MB to tv. This led to stories on the internet. This led to pictures on the internet. This led to videos on the internet. Thursday, December 9 was my personal D-Day. That's not the best way to put it, since, while it spread a lot of negativity, the negativity was pure, it was honest, and that D-Day did a lot to help me see myself for what I was. I like to think of it as our rebirth as a married couple. We both know what I am, and it will force us to work to keep our marriage open, which is better for both of us, I believe.
I wish I didn't have to be here, but as a pornography addict, there's nowhere I'd rather come for support.
Thank you guys.
5 days sober,
Liam
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Post by want2Bgood on Dec 15, 2004 11:34:13 GMT -5
Here is an excellent and honest post from the partner's side of the board: The latest thread where some self righteous SA came here in order to justify his LYING to his wife by insulting the SOs has done it. I am fed to the teeth with the loads of BS being shoveled here on a daily basis. For all the SAs that have the b*lls to come over here, ask loaded questions, then insult us...get real. If you dont want honest answers then stay over on the SA side where there seems to always be at least one big ol' cirlce jerk massaging each others egos going on. "Your a great guy....pick yourself up....its not you, its your disease.....I wasnt able to control myself....porn is evil and therefore created by evil in order to tempt me away from god." B*LL(expletive)!!!!!! I heard enough of that crap when I was with my ex SA...I dont need to be put down by someone elses (expletive)ed up SA. Why dont we just narrow the entire SA side of the board into three posts....... "Woopsie, I slipped, Do you guys think this is a slip? Would you count this as a slip? Is slipping ok? If I trip on the carpet and while in midair a porn tape/site/mag accidentally flies in to my vcr/keyboard/hand..is that a slip?" (thanks to a specific SO for that one..you know who you are ;-) ) Any of those titles would work for the first one. "Should I tell my wife? Does my wife need to know? Is it possible for me to justify continuing to lie by omission to save my sorry ass from what it deserves?" Any of those titles would work for thread number 2. And thread number three would have to be...join in here with me ladies...we all know what it is!! "Do I have to give up spankin my monkey? Is MB really not ok? Can my genitals explode if I dont MB at least 50 frickin times a day?" Everyone p*ssyfoots around every damn topic here like saying something REAL would be a crime. Lets all wander around frustrated and annoyed as hell here but make sure you couch everything in the mildest of terms so as not to offend someone whose thinking is already CLEARLY skewed. If we cant be real here then what in god's name do you suppose will happen in the real world for any of us when confronted with what life is really like? Frankly, all the rationalizing load of lies the SAs tell themselves is just another way to keep their nasty, dirty little secrets to themselves so that in reality, they WONT HAVE TO FACE THE CONSEQUENCES OF HOW THEY TRULY (expletive)ED UP. Whether that is in their jobs or their relationships. Thats what makes them SAs in the first place...the inability to face reality...so if the SAs want to come over here and spew their (expletive) around...go right ahead but it doesnt mean you are any closer to recovering..whether you have 20 hours or 20 years posting the ever so polite posts here. Polite that is until, like in life, they are called on it. So save it. You all aready have the answers. I mean really...what is this? You decide to finally be decent husbands and not emotionally beat the (expletive) out of your wives with your derision and scorn so you come here and do it to us. Well the h*ll with that and the hell with you. Your actions arent ok...you know it and so do we...stop asking us to give you permission to be manipulative liars. You didnt need our permission before and you dont need it now. BTW, I realize that this is not applicable to ever SA here....but enough that I decided to finally say it. As for us SOs...perhaps is we take off the damn kid gloves with every man who even hints at maybe wanting to do something correctly they will stop thinking its ok. Do we do this just because we so desperately want our own men to recover that we transfer taking their crap to taking the crap from the SAs here in penance. Like if we take enough of some mans insults and scorn we might someday be worthy of a decent person to love? Seems to me that when we decide to stop taking it ALTOGETHER...FROM EVERY MAN ON EARTH...it might just stop. If they all had to live alone as lonely pathetic dirty old men, light just might collectively dawn on marble head!! Monique
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Post by want2Bgood on Dec 15, 2004 11:48:49 GMT -5
Here is another great post from the Partner's side of the board about telling your spouse about your use of porn: "Sweetheart, you know I love you. You mean the world to me, and because of THIS, I must tell you that I have been suffering from a problem/addicting/disorder (call it whatever you want,) that I have been suffering with for a very long time, way before we even met. It doesn't have anything to do with you, but since you are my WIFE, I thought that you should be involved in every aspect of my life, even the bad things. I want to be HONEST with you, with myself, and stop lying about how much I could have/and have hurt you in the past without you even realizing it. I have in the past had a problem/addiction/disorder (again, call it whatever you want,) that compelled me to look at P. I have since stopped. I realize that it is unhealthy, for me, for us, for our family. I want to make our life better, and to be able to do that, I first have to start being honest. I have to start dealing with my life, and the complications that my (call it whatever you want,) has inflicted upon our marriage, and myself. I am now looking at life in a different light. I don't want to be lost in a fantasy world anymore. I am sorry that it took me so long to tell you, but I knew that it was the RIGHT thing to do..." Say whatever you want after, confess your undying love, beg for forgiveness, talk about what god whats you to do, whatever you see fit. But I'll tell you, that in the end, it is the lies, the inability to be a part of our SO's lives that burn us the most....she will find out, and the longer you wait, the more resentful she will be towards you, the more you'll wish you had told her eariler. She will be angry that you felt like you couldn't tell her. She is not made our of glass, she will not break from this. I think you misjudge how well people can handle things. Yea, she'll be upset, but imagine your relief, and her (probably not initial) response, that you felt that you could tell her this information without her turning against you, that you love her enough, and trust your love enough to let her into you life. Yes, this is your life, even the bad things are a part of us. You need to start dealing with the fact that you have done wrong by your wife, and the best way to do that, is to tell her, and deal with the consequences. The #1 thing that allows P addicts to continue their addiction, is the lack of consequences for their actions. Right now, you don't have any to worry about, you don't have anyone to answer for except yourself (and god, since you believe in that), but previously, that was not enough, what makes you so sure it will be enough now??
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Post by fooledb4 on Dec 17, 2004 9:22:34 GMT -5
The UnderstandingSexualAddiction.org website has recently disappeared. The webmaster at SecretAddictions.com, Laura, who is dedicated to helping SAs/PAs and their SOs, believes in the effectiveness of the Understanding Sexual Addiction workshop program and is committed to collecting and sharing the entire workshop series with those who visit the Secret Addictions web site. So, if you have any of the Unerstanding Sexual Addictions program and/or workshop literature, please contact Laura at www.secretaddictions.com/contactus.html. Also, please feel free to visit the Secret Addictions message board at www.secretaddictions.com/forum/.
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Post by fooledb4 on Dec 18, 2004 14:21:40 GMT -5
Hey, Wes has been cleaning house. Posts in this thread that really didn't belong under the New Members heading have been removed and now the thread is easier to navigate. The place is looking good, Wes. Here's the link to a faith based SA recovery site called Faithful and True Ministries. Check it out. www.faithfulandtrueministries.com/index.phpHere's a little about Faithful and True Ministries, copied from their home page. It is definitely possible to recover from a sexual addiction and to break free from a life of sexual sin. You may suffer feelings of discouragement, doubt, depression, and hopelessness. You may have even made previous attempts to break free by talking to pastors, reading books, and seeing counselors. We know what it feels like and have been there before. Largely through our own recoveries and through working with some of the finest minds in the secular and Christian communities we have developed a program that restores lives, marriages, and families. We have found that having access to tools to form deeper and more intimate relationships with Christ and with our brothers and sisters in Christ, who also struggle, is the way out. “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” (Proverbs 27:17) Here's the link to Porn-Free.org, an extremely Christian fundamentalist based SA recovery resource. www.porn-free.org/From their home page: What is this site about? We've created this site to help people discover the truth about p*graphy and "sexual" addictions. While sex is a wonderful, God-given gift, it can be abused like a drug to medicate pain from past rejection, abuse and other wounds. Today, many people find themselves locked in addictive cycles with p*graphy, masturbation, illicit sex, online affairs, fetishes, phone sex or other sexual activities. If you think you are addicted or know someone who is, this site may be helpful to you.
What we do: Our primary goal is to share the truth that helps people find freedom. We base our information on teachings from the Bible, which provide detailed, practical guidance not only for human sexuality, but also for every other area of life. They are definitely "my way or the highway" Christian fundamentalist. They even have links to other sites uner the heading, "If You're Not a Christian." Whoah!
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Post by fooledb4 on Dec 22, 2004 3:28:57 GMT -5
Wise words from RunningMan.
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Post by 3322kyon on Jan 4, 2005 19:59:10 GMT -5
I'm a college student struggling with PA. I need some guidance, all this advice all at once is a bit overwhelming. I'm reading Carnes' book out of the shadows, every day I have hope, but I'm beginning to realize the seriousness of the addiction. I told my mom about my problem in April, and she wants me to stop, but my family doesn't realize the seriousness of it. I need others to help because I know I can't conquer this alone.
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GYP
Full Member
Out of the dreariness, Into its cheeriness, Come we in weariness, Home (Stephen Chalmers)
Posts: 141
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Post by GYP on Jan 11, 2005 0:52:19 GMT -5
Hi Tom, I wanted to thank you for providing a great link for porn addiction help. The "Treatment & Healing of Porn Addiction" page was a great start in the healing process, and one that I think my wife will read. The author is a member of the same church as me and my family, plus the information hit hard. That's good. Thanks. -GYP
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Post by Tigerlily on Jan 14, 2005 12:54:09 GMT -5
Thank you for the information. I just found this site today and it is so helpful so far. It's weird because how I started with porn is so similar to men. When I was 10 I found my Dad's magazines, I loved how the women looked - so much so that my goal in life became wanting to be a porn star.
<snip>
When I was in college, <snip> I decided to start stripping. I LOVED it. I loved the power I had over men. A friend of mine got a job posing for softcore pics and it was really good money, so I tried it. It was much better than stripping, so I quit stripping and just did pics. All the while, I had relationships with men, but I felt like it wasn't enough. I had sex on my brain all the time. Then I started doing more perverse pictures - nothing illegal or really sick, but <snip>. I would trick myself into believing that it was okay of it were just with other women because it wasn't really sex. I ruined a relationship with a really great guy because I wanted to have all kinds of crazy sex, that wasn't meaningful or intimate. When I told him about the extent of my job he was devestated. He just thought I was modeling lingerie or modeling nude - No sex with others. I haven't modeled or done anything in that industry for six months, and I never will. I feel like crap saying this, but I miss it. I miss the rush. I am trying to stay away from porn, and I have for the most part - I don't have a problem looking at it, but when I do look at it, it reminds me of what I am 'missing'. Which is nothing, but in those moments, I feel like I am missing out. The last time I acted out was a month ago, and I had sex with someone who is a good friend, but he has a girlfriend. This is really sick, and if I am going to be honest here, I have to say it. I have always gotten a rush <snip>. Very sick. And since then he has been calling and emailing me, but I haven't responded because I feel so much shame. See for me in the moment, I am really turned on <snip> Then afterwards all the guilt and shame sets in and I feel terrible.
I am committed to recovery and fixing myself. Thank you for listening.
Hailey
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Post by random on Jan 15, 2005 0:36:02 GMT -5
Hi Hailey, I am new to the board as well. I wish you well. I've gotten good support here and you should be able to get a better grasp on your sexuality and not use it for mailicous purposes Peace to all -Aaron
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Post by want2Bgood on Jan 18, 2005 21:15:11 GMT -5
From curezone.com/forums/troll.aspAn "Internet troll" or "Forum Troll" is a person who posts outrageous message to bait people to answer. Forum Troll delights in sowing discord on the forums. A troll is someone who inspires flaming rhetoric, someone who is purposely provoking and pulling people into flaming discussion. Flaming discussions usually end with name calling and a flame war. A classic troll is trying to make us believe that he is a skeptic. He is divisive and argumentative with need-to-be-right attitude, "searching for the truth", flaming discussion, and sometimes insulting people or provoking people to insult him. Troll is usually an expert in reusing the same words of its opponents and in turning it against them. While he tries to present himself as a skeptic looking for truth ... his messages usually sound as if it is the responsibility of other forum members to provide evidence that what forum is all about is legitimate science. He (and in 90% of cases it is he) tries to start arguments and upset people. Sometimes, he is skeptical, trying to scare people, trying to plant fear in their hearts. Many trolls are people trying to promote Quackwatch / ratbags agenda. Sometimes, Internet troll is trying to spin conflicting information, is questioning in an insincere manner, flaming discussion, insulting people, turning people against each other, harassing forum members, ignoring warnings from forum moderators. Trolling is a form of harassment that can take over a discussion. Well meaning defenders can create chaos by responding to trolls. The best response is to ignore it, or to report a message to a forum moderator. Moderators usually delete troll messages or block trolls. Negative emotions stirred up by trolls leak over into other discussions. Normally affable people can become bitter after reading an angry interchange between a troll and his victims, and this can poison previously friendly interactions between long-time users. Finally, trolls create a paranoid environment, such that a casual criticism by a new arrival can elicit a ferocious and inappropriate backlash. When trolls are ignored they step up their attacks, desperately seeking the attention they crave. Their messages become more and more foul, and they post ever more of them. Alternatively, they may protest that their right to free speech is being curtailed. Perhaps the most difficult challenge for a webmaster is deciding whether to take steps against a troll that a few people find entertaining. Some trolls do have a creative spark and have chosen to squander it on being disruptive. There is a certain perverse pleasure in watching some of them. Ultimately, though, the webmaster has to decide if the troll actually cares about putting on a good show for the regular participants, or is simply playing to an audience of one -- himself. Next time you are on a message board and you see a post by somebody whom you think is a troll, and you feel you must reply, simply write a follow-up message entitled "Troll Alert" and type only this: The only way to deal with trolls is to limit your reaction and not to respond to rolling messages.It is well known that most people don't read messages that nobody responds to, while 99% of forum visitors first read the longest and the largest threads with the most answers. A Troll message is an outrageous message posted to a message board, newsgroup or mailing list to bait people to answer. Trolls of Scandinavian Mythology: Once upon a time, evil dwarfs were living in hills, forests and mounds. They were stumpy, misshapen, humpbacked, with a long nose, long hair and a long tail. Trolls were inclined to thieving, and fond of carrying off children. They would substitute one of their own offspring for that of a human mother. They were called "hill-people", and they were especially averse to noise, from a recollection of the time when god Thor used to fling his hammer after them. Not all trolls were evil!. Some trolls were helping people. Some trolls were only playing games. But, evil trolls were the one that kids were most afraid of. Some trolls were small, other were giants.
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