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Post by hedgehog on Aug 17, 2004 15:15:51 GMT -5
I have just one question does this forum have religious context? I realize this response is a bit late, however i do think it's an important question to answer here.... As far as i know (and i've been around since the "old board") this board has NO official religious affiliation. Indeed, there are members representing many different religions (Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Buddist, Pagan, etc., and even quite a few Atheists and Agnostics). The diversity of opinions is arguably one of the strengths of the board. However, while there is no official religious doctrine associated with the board, you'll find that many of the posts DO contain religious sentiments as recovery for some here is affiliated with a reaffirmation or discovery of a religious connection. But the community is one of mutual respect and NOT one of wanting to convert posters to any particular way of religious (or non-religious) thought. The only "doctrine" of the board is that of being a safe and respectful place for members to work on overcoming sexual compulsion/addiction (or the pain and confusion associated with it that their significant other endures) with the support of those who understand. So please, read freely and take from the posts the sentiments that are important to YOUR personal recovery and beliefs. Furthermore, feel free to contribute what helps you through the struggle. Best wishes, -hh
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Post by mardole on Aug 24, 2004 12:19:23 GMT -5
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scoobydoo
New Member
I've gotta have more cowbell!
Posts: 44
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Post by scoobydoo on Aug 31, 2004 12:55:20 GMT -5
Since there seems to be so many triggers for sexual/pornography addiction, I thought some websites covering topics like stress and depression might be helpful as well. They include: On addiction (pornography, sex, cybersex, alcohol, drugs, etc.) and healthy stress relief techniques:www.troubledwith.com/index.htmStress relief techniques:ksks.essortment.com/stressreliefte_psh.htm 13 signs of burnoutwww.assessment.com/mappmembers/avoidingburnout.asp?Accnum=06-5210-010.00On depression:www.depression.comWebMD's depression website:my.webmd.com/medical_information/condition_centers/depression/default.htm?SRC=Google&Placement=mentalhealthKind of a cheesy looking site, but helpful info on depression: www.depression.org/Depression as it relates to sexual addiction:www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Sex/Site/depression/depression_sex_addiction.htmAn excerpt from http://www.dualdiagnosis.org: just substitute sexually addictive behavior for drugs and alcoholism:AbstinenceWhile many depressive syndromes improve with abstinence from substance use, some clients continue to experience depressive disorders that require treatment. Sobriety does not guarantee improvement in mood, and some clients’ moods will worsen after they get sober. A client and family must accept that at best, partial recovery will occur if both disorders are not adequately addressed. A client cannot expect to get the full benefits of treatment for the depression if he or she continues to drink alcohol or use other drugs. Nor can the substance use disorder be effectively treated if significant mood symptoms persist. Dr. Carnes website on sexual addictionwww.sexhelp.com/index.cfmGood catholic pornography addiction website:www.pornnomore.com/About depression medications and their side effects:www.allaboutdepression.com/med_01.htmlPeace to you all! Scooby
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Post by tryingforever on Sept 26, 2004 12:47:57 GMT -5
Hey all...find out about this site and support board just a few days ago...glad to know there are resources like this to help me get my PA under control.
I've been an addict since I was 12, and now I'm 18. I can barely remember a stretch of more than a week I've gone without MB or porn!! So I'm really hoping that I can get it under control now...
...umm...since a lot of you are older and more experienced regarding this, I was hoping u could help me out with a suggestion. I'm currently doing my college apps, and it's most convenient to do them online...but I'm not getting far as I invariably get sidetracked porn...how can I manage to stay online, get my college work done and NOT do porn at the same time?
This is probably a very simplistic question, but I'm asking anyway.
Thanx a lot for a site like this!
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Post by Guy on Sept 30, 2004 15:01:35 GMT -5
Hello, Everyone;
One of the best books I've read in a long time about addiction is one I would never have thought of searching for. It's by Dr. Drew Pinsky and it's called "Cracked: Putting Broken Lives Together Again." It's about his experiences in dealing with his work as a drug and alcohol rehab specialist. In this wonderful book, the adage I've learned from the longtime-sober addicts I know in my face-to-face life comes true again: "Same disease, different drug." Just change the words "alcohol" and "drugs" to "sex" and "food" and I'm there -- I can see myself in this book so much.
One of the really outstanding sections (among many) runs from pp. 53-65 in the hard-cover edition and it talks about how one becomes an addict. To me, it's really pertinent -- it's the story of my own life in black and white print. I can relate so closely to it, especially what it has to say about "disassociation", the issue of endorphins, and about the importance of making "connections" with others. None of us can recover alone, I've been taught. This quoted piece tells why.
I wanted to share this entire 12-page section from the book in toto. Ever since I first read it last year, it's never been out of my mind. I'd urge others here to read it. At a cost of $6.99 in Amazon's Bargain Books Section, I think it's well worth it. Because of it's length, I've had to break this piece up into several sections. I hope it proves useful. I'm very grateful for what this piece has said to me.
Grace and peace,
Guy
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Post by Guy on Sept 30, 2004 15:04:03 GMT -5
Part 1:
At 6:30 PM., I’m standing in front of a blackboard, watching a lecture hall fill up. About seventy-five patients, former patients, and their families, partners, and friends--some with several days of sobriety, others with many years--are seated in rows of metal folding chairs in a small bungalow a short stroll from the unit. They represent all types, from businessmen to bikers, homemakers to high school students. They have come to listen to my weekly medical lecture, an in-depth discussion about their disease and its effect on their biology.
The hour-long presentation is aimed at giving them more insight into their disease. Few of them really understand addiction. They don't know the roots of its biology. They don't know why addiction is a disease. If asked why they use, they offer some variation of, “I’m f-cked up." If asked why they can't stop using, they reply, “I’m f-cked up.” They cannot see themselves as anything but victims. I believe information is power. The more people understand, the less inclined they will be to blame themselves.
I start by asking, 'Who can tell me the difference between abuse and addiction?" That begins a lively discussion. Eventually we conclude that abuse is "the use of any potentially harmful substance with no therapeutic value that affects the brain," and addiction is "the contin¬ued use of a substance in spite of consequences." They should give themselves a pat on the back, I tell them: It rook the world's brightest scientists decades to figure that one out. We did it in a few minutes.
“Now let me ask a harder question," I say. "Can anyone, define “disease”? Before you can say you suffer from a disease, you should know what one is."
This sparks another lively discussion. Though it reveals how little average people know about biology, it is also a tough question. Until recently, experts didn't understand much more than the layman about the secret relationship between drugs, the brain, biology, and disease. Think about it: For decades, drug abusers and alcoholics were thought of as people with low self-control. Even scientists and doctors thought they could control their problems by exercising more willpower. How many addicts were told to change their friends, move neighborhoods, or take a different way home so they wouldn't pass the liquor store?
It got worse. For years, addicts were thought to be morally deficient people who could be saved if they would simply acknowledge and change their sinful ways. Well, in reality, no matter what they acknowledge, addicts can't just stop. That is addiction -- the inability to stop, no matter what. Addicts know every consequence of their addiction: lost jobs, screwed-up relationships, squandered money, betrayed relatives, and so on. But they can't help their behavior.
Eventually, though, studies began to show that addicts suffered from a disease, rather than a lack of self-control. And clinicians working with addicts and alcoholics began to recognize the difficulty addicts had in quitting. After former First Lady Betty Ford went public with her drinking problem in the late 1970s, there was wider familiarity, understanding, and even sympathy for people who checked into the Betty Ford Center, Hazelden, Cedar Hills, and other rehab facilities seeking treatment for alcoholism and drug addiction.
But misperceptions lingered. With the growth in the number of treatment facilities, many came to believe these problems could be cleared up in a mere twenty-eight days. But further study has shown the disease to be much more complex. By the early 1990s, new research allowed addiction to be defined more specifically as a biological disorder with a genetic basis, plus progressive use in the face of adverse consequences, have focused on the relationship between addiction and the drives in the deepest brain structures that are outside of conscious volitional control.
As I talk about this, though, I can see some eyes in the audience start to glaze over. All that scientific jargon this is starting to sound like school. So I change tack.
"I’m really talking about three things," I say. “Why you use drugs. Why you get addicted. And how you get better. Let's start with why you use. Any guesses?"
"It feels good," a young Latino teenager in front says.
“It lets me escape," an alcoholic woman with a few years' sobriety says from the middle of the room.
"Because if I’d done what I really wanted to do, I’d be in jail for killing my father;" a middle-aged man adds. He gets a knowing laugh.
I allow that all those answers are correct.
"A healthy person, whether he realizes it or not, populates his emotional world with soothing or reassuring images that can be called upon in times of distress, need, or aloneness. But the individual who has suffered trauma during his formative years retreats from the world as a result of that abuse." I pause. "Look around the room. Think of the people in treatment with you and those in your AA groups. What do you all have in common?"
"Bic lighters," someone jokes.
"F-cked-up lives," someone else says.
"Be more specific," I say.
"F-cked-up parents," a college-age girl calls out.
”We're just f-cked up," a guy says.
”You want to know the common denominator among my patients?" I say, turning serious. "They all had traumatic experiences in early life that caused them to feel helpless, powerless, and in grave danger." I see some people nodding. "This feeling of helplessness creates an inability to process feelings and an aversion to exploring other minds. There’s no trust. If you can't trust, you can't connect with anyone. Without the capacity to activate the part of the brain that allows for connection and exploration of other people, an individual loses the main mechanism for discovering who we are and the ability to regulate emotions.
"Think about it," I continue. "For all of us, other people function as self-regulating agents. We learn to identify ourselves when we recognize ourselves in others. We constantly think, 'Oh, that's exactly how I feel.' Or you say, 'I was thinking that exact same thing.' Our experiences of ourselves become internalized as a result of this sort of interaction. We figure out who we are.
"But my patients -- many of you -- automatically take the emotional posture that the abuse you fell victim to was your fault. Why? Because at least then you avoid feeling the threat of the contents of the mind of your abuser. You don't ask why Daddy hits you or Mommy's passed out on the living room floor. If it's your fault, you're more in control.
“You're sacrificing yourself in order to maintain the illusion of control in a situation that otherwise you'd experience as irrational and unpredictable. Of course, if you're at fault, you're also feeling shame. In addition, your brain kicks into an automatic biological response that becomes a permanent mechanism for dealing with interpersonal stress. This is the action your brain takes to escape these situations from which there's no escape, something called dissociation."
A gray-haired man in mechanic's coveralls raises his hand. I have treated him and his son.
"So what are you saying that I’m feeling?" he asks.
"What did I say all my patients have in common?"
"Helplessness," he says.
“What do you feel when you're helpless?" I ask.
"Fear," he says.
"Right. The initial response to threat is fear. How does this happen? Well, chemicals flood into the brain as the flight-or-fight response is initiated. When escape seems hopeless, your brain switches into shut-down mode, releasing a flood of endorphins that provide a soothing numbness as you wait for the inevitable to occur.
"The experience that predominates this reaction is what?"
I call on a young guy seated on the side.
"I don't even get what you're saying," he says. "But I’m guessing that it's the sense that you're somewhere else, gone, shut down."
"Exactly," I say. "Dissociation. You separate and isolate yourself from the World, from feelings, from others. While such a reaction may protect you from the horrifying experience -- whatever that turns out to be -- the price is a long-term difficulty in integrating emotional experiences. Think back to whatever age you suffered trauma. That's when you shut down. That's when you decided you were to blame. That's when you stopped developing and growing in the part of the brain that regulates emotions. That's when you stopped connecting with others."
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Post by Guy on Sept 30, 2004 15:05:40 GMT -5
Part 2:
“You know what picture I’m getting?" a man in front says. “I see one of those Japanese soldiers coming out of the jungle after hiding for thirty years because he didn't know the war had ended. You don't know anything that's going on. You don't know who to trust or which side you're on. Your instinct would be to turn around and run back into the jungle, where it was safe."
"Kind of," I say "But let me go on. So what happens? The personality that accompanies you as you mature physically tends to have a hard time in relationships. In fact, the original victimization is often created over and over again. It's the same problem repeated, and more problems ensue. You can't trust someone with your tender needs in a genuine relationship. Why? It's too dangerous. It's too likely to expose you to trauma again.
"So your ability to develop brain mechanisms to regulate emotions is impaired, since we tend to build these through intimate connections with others. It's a great big mess that causes you to enter your young life looking for solutions to those feelings of being, as most of you say, f-cked up. You aren't able to find any peace until you find drugs or alcohol. Then, suddenly, for the first time, everything seems all right." I see heads nod.
I get a chorus of yesses. "Good. We just talked about the consequences of trauma, which basically set the stage for the addictive process. Let's go to the next point: Why are you addicted? The simple answer is that some people are configured biologically in such a way to respond very positively to substances. That's what gets you using. But what makes you an addict is primarily a change in a tiny region of the brain called the nucleus accumbens.
"This region of your brain has started to mistake the chemical message of survival with the message delivered by drugs. The drive to use becomes confused with the drive to survive. This drive overwhelms the centers of the brain where cognitive reasoning and will reside. This shouldn't be confused with the feel-good part of addiction. These are powerful drives that begin emanating from deep nonverbal drive centers of the brain and demand gratification with the same life-or-death intensity as taking a breath. This is what keeps you using even when it doesn't feel good or work for you anymore.
"Interestingly, a certain percentage of people feel sh-tty when they're exposed to endorphin-like substances."
"Then they aren't real addicts," a black woman who's been in and out of treatment several times says.
"That's partly true," I say. "I had a patient come in with uncontrollable sobbing from, of all drugs, Vicodin."
"Oh, please," she says, waving me off.
"You're like my addict patients," I say.
“No, I am one of your addict patients," she laughs.
"My addict patients feel incredible when they're exposed to opiates or any other chemical that tickles the brain's endogenous morphine system, like alcohol, cocaine, sometimes pot …"
"Heroin," someone chimes.
“Yes. In fact, all drugs of addiction have in common that they stimulate the endorphin system. That's the feel-good part of drugs. So these people configured to respond positively to substance feel great when they're using. So great they keep using to regulate their emotional lives, As time goes by, all drugs of addiction cause depiction of brain chemicals."
“What?" one of my more vocal participants asks.
"The endorphin system alters itself in response to months or years of saturation, and so when the drugs are removed the brain is no longer able to screen out discomfort or pain. This of course happens at a time when the patient is trying to come to terms with the pain of acknowledging the consequences of the disease -- destroyed relationships, legal problems, health issues, and so on. Not only is the endorphin system altered; the mood center, serotonin, is also depleted, as is the anxiety-regulating GABA system and the stress chemical cortisol. All are profoundly abnormal from drug use, leaving the patient in an impaired and terribly unpleasant brain state."
“Welcome to my world," a guy yells out.
He gets a big laugh.
"Remember, you've relied on drugs to deal with unpleasant or overwhelming emotions often since adolescence. These same emotional conditions that started you using have remain unchanged. Not only that, the drugs have blocked you from tackling the usual milestones of development. There's even some evidence that certain of these drugs actually impair the brain's growth. And, finally, many of these drugs of addiction damage the brain, leaving biological impairments that affect mood, anxiety regulation, and memory.
"So you enter sobriety with this incredible set of biological and often psychological and developmental circumstances stacked against you. Throw in the misery of withdrawal, the social shame and stigma associated with the disease, the consequences of your behavior, and on top of everything the fact that you really love m do drugs -- well, it's no wonder people relapse."
“Amen," the black woman says, to a mix of laughs and clapping.
"But here's the fascinating -- or depressing -- part," I continue. "This is not the disease itself. What I’ve described are merely factors that come to bear on the disease. The disease is a disorder of the drive centers of the brain -- specifically the so-called mesolimbic reward center, as I’ve explained, in the nucleus accumbens. That pat of the brain is deep in the reptilian core. It doesn't have language or logic. Just as with lower life forms, it exists merely to increase the drive that activates behavior fostering survival. It's the survival center, and it's gone awry.
"I’ll give you an example. Every cocaine addict knows that he or she will never get the same high they got from their first hit off the pipe. In fact, they feel sh-ttier and sh-ttier with each hit, yet they continue to use until they're floridly psychotic, sitting in a dark room by themselves, peeking out through the curtains at the black helicopters they imagine are hovering overhead."
"It was army men for me," a guy in a blue suit says.
"I heard paramilitary spacemen hiding in the bushes," a car mechanic seated nearby adds.
"The point is, you continue to use because the drive centers command you to use. Your brain's rational understanding is overwhelmed. Though you know perfectly well that you won't get high and will end up feeling like sh-t, you can't stop. You can't stop, no matter how hard you try or how badly you want to. That's addiction.
"There's a lot of new science being done in this area, but basically what we have here is a set of very powerful drives being activated beneath conscious control in a region of the brain that can't be influenced by reason, language, or will. We have a terrible time in this country accepting disorders of will. How often do you hear someone explain their behavior by saying, 'Hey, it's a free country. But as you well know, you're not free from the grips of the biology of this region of the brain and the effect the disease has on it."
I know this is all still pretty technical material, but I can feel a sense of excitement in the room, a tangible buzz as those listening acquire new or additional understanding about why they really are powerless over their addiction. Why does that create such a reaction? Because the first of the twelve steps in Alcoholics Anonymous is admitting that you are powerless over your disease. Now they can really believe it's true, and we can start discussing how you get better.
"Powerlessness," I say, gazing across the room to emphasize that each one of them has this in common. "What kind of feeling does that evoke in you?"
"Pain," a young man in the back of the room says without hesitation. I nod, smiling. I know the young man well: Patrick, a patient of mine who's recently turned twenty. He's been doing well in recovery. He's even returned to college.
"I just feel pain," he continued.
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Post by Guy on Sept 30, 2004 15:07:17 GMT -5
Part 3:
"Can I use you as an example?" I ask, aware that he has shared in previous groups with many in the room. He says yes, and I encourage him to fill us in on the details. Raised the only child of an alcoholic father and addicted mother, Patrick was on his own from the time he could walk. His life had little structure. He was neglected by his parents and abused by neighbors. He started smoking pot at the age often. Two years later he was on to coke. He was thirteen when his father died. His mother floated in and out, either ignorant of or indifferent to his drug use. By sixteen he was using speed. Still, against seemingly insurmountable odds, he managed to get into a city college. He was a major control freak -- anything to avoid the instability of his childhood -- and yet he couldn't control his drug use.
"It was like I was running all the time," he says. "Even when I was asleep I was still running."
"Running from what?" I ask.
"The pain."
“A specific pain?"
"No, not really. It's more like a feeling of pain that blankets everything. It's just always there. My whole deal has been avoidance through control."
He had articulated something that's key: the fact that the pain that started with the traumas of his childhood was still ongoing in the present. It still felt raw and fresh. It had happened then, it was happening now, and as far as his brain was concerned it was going to keep happening into the future. He was in what some call the "running" phase of post-traumatic stress disorder.
They have no idea how much I relate personally But ever since I saw the man with the red crosses in his eyes following my mother's miscarriage, I’ve felt -- no, I’ve known -- that bad things are happening to me. Period. Then, now, and always. Like Patrick, I’ve tamed those feelings by maintaining control, striving for perfection, rescuing people. I even have a job where bad sh-t happens every day. It's exhausting.
If I’d had the genetic disposition, I would've made a great addict.
“You can see how as a result of those early traumas you have difficulty trusting and opening up to another person, I say. “If you're a kid, why would you trust ever again? But without that capacity to trust, you can't get an accurate read on your own self. You never learn how to regulate your own feelings."
A hand rises from the middle, and a husky man with bushy sideburns and tattooed arms stands up m speak. "How do you learn?" he asks.
"That's the getting-it part of recovery. You have to be willing -- willing to follow directions, willing to trust, willing to form connections, willing to explore feelings. That's the essence of recovery, of the twelve steps," I say.
"In recovery, you learn how to regulate your emotions without getting high. This is where you learn connection, the connection you didn't learn when it was interrupted by trauma in childhood. The real work gets done when you sit down with a sponsor and trust that that person will be available without shaming or intruding as you express genuine and tender needs. Then, instead of suffering rejection, you experience relief and gradually a new sense of self. It's only through relationships with others that we develop a sense of who we are and the ability to regulate our emotions."
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Afterward, as people drift outside to smoke and chat among themselves, I am taken almost by force into a corner by one of my regulars, Rosie, a thirty-two-year-old blonde from Cheviot Hills, a suburb of shopping malls and carpools south of Beverly Hills. I’d spotted her during the lecture, sitting in the second-to-the-last row, rocking so furiously it's a miracle she didn't fly off her chair. Eight months sober after treatment for a Klonopin addiction, she's still having a rough time, which isn't unusual -- though by staying clean this long she's already surpassed some expectations around the unit.
Rosie is an unlikely-looking addict. The mother of two, married to a lawyer, she goes to the gym, does yoga, drives a BMWX5. After she was brought into the unit, we even discovered that we knew people in common through our children s sports activities. At one point during her hospitalization she turned to me, crying, "I don't get how this could happen to me," she said. "I’m a healthy person."
Healthy, except that her parents were alcoholics, her childhood chaotic. In order to survive, she had to sacrifice her own emotional development by caring for her raging parents. As an adult, she was hyper-busy with her family and career. Eventually she began having panic attacks. A doctor put her on Klonopin to regulate her anxiety, and over time she started gobbling the downers by the fistful, until they overtook her life.
This conscientious wife and mother of two was brought into the hospital by concerned neighbors. She stayed four weeks, the first two of which were spent going through the absolutely hellish withdrawal that's typical of Klonopin addicts: severe pain, constant panic, extreme agitation.
She continues to wrestle with the symptoms of low-level with¬drawal, which can linger For a year or more. As she's toId me in the past, she can’t believe she isn’t feeling better yet. And now?
I set up two chairs for us in the comer and sit down.
"It's really bad," she says. "I'm always speedy. I break out into sweats. It won't let go of me, and I need some relief."
"Tell me how bad it is right now on a scale of one to ten."
“Four.”
"What was it yesterday?"
"Three."
I put my hand on her shoulder.
"Maybe next week you'll be down to a two."
"But sometimes I feel like I'm literally going to go out of my mind."
"That's to be expected. You're going to have to deal with that for a while as your brain's chemistry settles down and returns to normal. It takes a very long time."
She sighs.
"But look, you're doing what's necessary you're hanging tough, and that's a good thing."
"But I'm going crazy."
“I’d argue the opposite. To me, mental health isn’t always about feeling good. Nor is it always about avoiding depression. Nor about being happy. As I define it, mental health is about accepting reality on reality's terms. And I think you're doing just that."
"Yeah, but it's a day-by-day proposition."
"That's the idea."
Then we're both silent. There's nothing left to say. Rosie looks straight at me, a direct, healthy look that communicates everything I want to see from someone in recovery -- strength, determination, connection. I give her hand a gentle squeeze of support. Then we're done, at least I hope, until the following week.
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Post by Musicmaker on Oct 22, 2004 14:13:21 GMT -5
For Rangelife:
A BEAUTIFUL HAND
Once lying broken, Made strong again, so to stand; Never a harsh word spoken, Just touched by a beautiful Hand.
Once crushed and shattered, Mended, as long ago planned; Fashioned to that which mattered, By the touch of a beautiful Hand.
Once in ashes and dust, Faith, as a flame, then fanned Into a blaze of trust, By the touch of a beautiful Hand.
Life in all fulness given, Secure in that blessed, true band Of "I never will leave or forsake you"; Held tight by a beautiful Hand.
Now in confident hope Of a heavenly, glorious land; Looking forth to the joyful "Well Done!", And the touch of a beautiful Hand.
Musicmaker
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Post by fooledb4 on Nov 7, 2004 13:50:48 GMT -5
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Post by fooledb4 on Nov 21, 2004 20:01:39 GMT -5
open-mind.org/News/SLA/9.htmThis is the site of a therapist who specializes in working with SAs/PAs. Toward the bottom of the page are some of the methods for fighting the urge, or riding that wave until it passes, that he teaches his patients.
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Post by underdog on Nov 29, 2004 12:23:19 GMT -5
Like many others here, I hope to find strength through posting my story. Its time I face reality.
I was sexually abused as a kid once or twice is all. I grew up in fear having an abusive father and a mistreated mother. I am a single Chrsitian, I go to church every week. I lead two lives, the upstanding man and the dirty porn addict.
I have had several opportunities for relationships, but none have extended beyond 2-3 weeks. Though I feel so alone, I cannot connect with anybody. I want a family of my own, but it is so far out of my reach.
I have been addicted for 10 years now, never going a week or more without porn. For 5 years, I have tried to break the addiction to no avail. What a sad thing it is for me to face reality. Had I known that all my freedom would be lost, I never would have indulged 'just a little'
I feel abandoned by God and my life. I have tried anything and everything--the most I have ever gone sober is 7 days. I know its not much, I feel like the weakest of all. I would never never take my own life, but what hope can I have for the future if a lifetime of struggle awaits? If this addiction never leaves, how can I expect to lead a normal life?
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Post by Musicmaker on Nov 29, 2004 20:23:52 GMT -5
Hi Underdog and Keepthefaith,
In my experience there are no easy answers.
In Christian terms: I believe that the Lord Jesus will help you, if you come to Him just as you are, and tell Him exactly what you think, and how you feel about things. It may help to have a picture of Him in front of you (i.e. artist's idea of Him). If you enjoy p, to whatever degree, tell Him! If you feel pulled in two directions at once, tell Him. If you get angry with Him, He will understand. If you need p, because your body and mind are used to it, tell Him - He will understand that too. The way to peace lies through pain and suffering, as well as joy, for us all, but He will be your companion if you come to Him and follow in His steps.
His way is the way of love, and when you feel no-one in the whole world cares, He is there. He loves you more than anyone ever did or could, and when you are in despair, know that He once was too, on the Cross, and He knows exactly what you're going through. He doesn't want you to cut yourself off sexually, but to follow Him through all the joys and pains of life, relating in unselfish care to others as much as you can, forming healthy friendships and hopefully finding a lasting relationship, if you're not in one already.
Life is fraught with difficulties, but with the Lord, you will overcome!
You are in my prayers.
Musicmaker
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Post by underdog on Nov 30, 2004 12:49:44 GMT -5
Thank you for your words and prayers Musicmaker. It is hard to cope with the pain I have caused the Lord and my faith seems shaken and lost each time I indulge in p. I came to this understanding recently. I have emotionally distanced myself from God and it is time to rekindle that relationship and trust I had once. If I want the Lord to abide with me and strengthen me, I must do all in my power to invite him. I have decided to eliminate the triggers in my life, resolve my past and move forward. Then perhaps after years of sobriety, I will be able to fall on my knees and say to the Lord 'we did it'
Because of my desicion, I am getting rid of my computer. I am not strong enough to resist, so I must only use the internet at the library or public place. In addition, I am getting rid of my TV and cable. This will be very inconvenient, but a pure life if more important to me than convenience. I realize this is not enough, but eliminating these triggers will help me get my feet on the ground again. I hope too that the Lord will see my sacrifice and faith and help me. I so desperately need his help.
Looking far into the future, I think we will be better people--more compassionate, resolute and wise--characteristics not obtained any other way. There is a scripture that comes to my mind whenever I am at the end of my rope--feeling it is not worth it, maybe you can relate:
Malachi 3:14 'Ye have said, It is vain to serve God: and what profit is it that we have kept his ordinance, and that we have walked mournfully before the Lord of hosts?' Then the Lord's answer in verse 17 'And they shall be mine, saith the Lord of hosts, in that day when I make up my jewels; and I will spare them, as a man spareth his own son that serveth him.'
I hope with all my heart God will deliver me, but if not, I will not give in to p. I hope someday to have a meaningful relationship with a virtuous girl, but if not, I will not give in to p. I hope my life will become resting and joyful, but if not, I will not give in to p. No matter the cost, no matter the sacrifice, I will not give in. This is my committment to God and myself.
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Post by Musicmaker on Nov 30, 2004 18:10:30 GMT -5
Dear Underdog and Puggyb,
Thank you Underdog for the beautiful verses from Malachi. It is quite possible that I am a lot older than most people on this site, including yourselves. I just wanted you to know that I have been looking at p for 32 years, and am now 51. I have been through much trauma, but the Lord has seen me through it all. I still struggle with the same things, but since I turned 40 my life has been incredibly special and blessed by Him. He has given me a beautiful wife, multiplied my gift of music many-fold, and has given me a new gift - of poetry. I now spend a lot of my life freely sharing my poetry, and caring for/supporting others. The poem at the top of this web-page describes my life, and I am so thankful to the One who has shown me such mercy! To date He has not taken away the p, but has blessed me so much it's almost overwhelming. There were times when I despaired, when I was younger, and there still are times of much difficulty and great agonies, but He is always there, and He brings such good out of everything! I say this to encourage you who are perhaps a lot younger than I. The Lord understands how you felt when you were abused in childhood, Underdog, and how it still perhaps causes you pain. His love for you is total, and He has already accomplished your salvation, as a believer in Him - you don't have to do it yourself. In His sight you are totally blameless, past/present/future, as a child, teenager and man, if you tell it to Him like it is, every day, and try to do your best, following Him - that's all He requires.
I know the feelings of disgust and intense desire to get rid of everything connected with p, after using; but, with respect, would just urge caution and wisdom. I have thrown out my TV before now, only to go and get another one within a short time. This is how p works - the "guilt" can turn you against things you normally enjoy, including sexual feelings, and could cause you to "throw out the baby with the bathwater". You must do as you will, but as you say, time brings wisdom, and I learned eventually that peace and balance does not reside in burying problematic things, but in facing them. It is not easy, but understanding comes, slowly, over time. Incidentally, if you meet a lady who could potentially be yours, don't expect her to be "whiter than white" - look on her as perhaps fulfilling some of the normal, healthy male things you looked for in p, as well as being a real, wonderful person whom you can give your life to, and care for come what may.
Here are some verses from Isaiah 44:21-23 (RSV), which I pray will be a blessing:
"Remember these things, O Jacob, and Israel, for you are My servant; I formed you, you are my servant; O Israel, you will not be forgotten by Me. I have swept away your transgressions like a cloud, and your sins like mist; return to Me, for I have redeemed you.
Sing, O heavens, for the Lord has done it; shout, O depths of the earth; break forth into singing, O mountains, O forest, and every tree in it! For the Lord has redeemed Jacob, and will be glorified in Israel."
I wish you well. With prayers, Musicmaker
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