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Post by tito29 on Dec 13, 2007 4:01:13 GMT -5
Hi all, I think you know what it's like; you slip once, and suddenly you just don't care about the recovery thing, it makes you come back and back to P. There was no internal struggle, no battle between "You should watch some" and "Come on, you shouldn't". I wanted it and I gave in. Somewhere in my head I knew that I shouldn't, but that part just doesn't win. I KNOW that I am here for a reason, that the hours spent here were useful. But my BEING says otherwise. dammit maart, ive read all your posts and i was smiling at the similarity . i dont think porn is evil and i doubt this has anything to do with god. of course, religion etc is an excellent coping mechanism. i went 6 days 'sober' and then i slipped and ive quoted you on the exact same feeling i had. i was like forget this . let me enjoy myself. i knew it was wrong, but i said who cares right...well back to day 0 sucka me... :-) so here's to starting at day 0. i wanna check in on this thread everyday, coz i think a lot of what you've felt/written about i can identify. the others here are really helpful but when they get religious i loose track.. religion for me is a personal thing. this is an addiction, similar to alco/cigs etc. i dont care for gods help, i want to control my mind. thats about it. for me its about wasting time.... and ive spent a huge amount on this crap, which couldve been utilized for doing more work (and making more money!!!). of course if this didnt waste any time i wouldnt be here, id be blissfully happy. but i want out, coz i want my time back... thanks for writing, helps.
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Post by lifeforce on Dec 13, 2007 9:14:45 GMT -5
Maart -
I'm new here, been in recovery for about 5 years, and posted about my own experience in another thread. The one thing I have to offer is a radical suggestion, one not available to a lot of people: is it possible for you give up your computer at home for a while? As in, either temporarily give it to someone else to hold onto, or at least pack it up in your closet? This is what I did, complete computer cold turkey for a couple of months, at least at home (at the time I did this I was attending graduate school so I could do whatever work I needed in the library). The P urge has to be severed from basic computer usage if you want to continue using computer technology for the rest of your life.
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maart
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Post by maart on Dec 13, 2007 10:48:06 GMT -5
@ lifeforce - I actually think that getting rid of my computer for a while is a great idea. But the thing is, the computer also gives me so much more than P.. I come here, I record music with the PC, ect. ect. But I'm sure that it will help... I'll have to think about it.
@tito29 - I am glad you found my posts helpful. I am just as confused as all of you, have no idea what I'm doing exactly in recovery. Yesterday I slipped again so this is, again, day 1 for me. But at least I am working on it, reading, coming here ect. Slowly I am beginning to realize what this addiction does and what it means to me.
Working on addicition isn't a thing that just happens one day. It's not one desicion you take and then it all happens automaticly. It takes hard work. Note that I haven't managed to stay clean for about 3 days. That means that the hardest is still to come. How will I feel after1 week? After 1 month? I can't imagine. But I guess I have to think 1 day at a time right?
Thank you and have a good weekend. Today I will be clean!
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Post by tito29 on Dec 14, 2007 8:34:39 GMT -5
maart, i find them really helpful. they echo a lot of what i feel and i have the same urgent need to get out of this mess, before it leads to some sort of trouble. (some of the guys here and been to hell and back, and i gotta nothinig but respect and awe)
at this point in my life, im on a high, doing well and i want to get rid of this habit/addiction .. it would be an awesome thing. because when things start to go wrong, i dont want to compound it by indulging myself... ive always believed this. when you are doing well, push yourself to do better... and kicking this addiction/habit is priority no.1.
checking in at day 1.5 :-)
hope you're doing good 2.
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maart
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Post by maart on Dec 14, 2007 14:56:18 GMT -5
Indeed, it's better to tackle this right now, we are young and doing good, let's not wait till the moment it's too late. Right now I am in a bit of a "I feel down" timezone, but I mean people have survived wars for god's sake, life is good to me. But during these "down times" it becomes painfully obvious that this addiction is totally crap and that it steals our time, energy, and talents.
I'm also day 1, hope we can post "day2!" tomorrow.
Cheerio
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Post by tito29 on Dec 15, 2007 0:05:48 GMT -5
thats the deal man. This thing might not be too much trouble when others things are going great and you/we/me rationalize that 'so what, its all good'. but when the down time hits, this stuff really takes off, becomes a beast you cant control and then you are wasting precious moments (which should, ideally, be used to get out of the down phase).
so lets do this..... . checking in at day 2 completed.. day 3 begun! :-)
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maart
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Post by maart on Dec 16, 2007 10:22:21 GMT -5
Damn it guys.
Yesterday night was weird. I let myself go completely. After I went out with some friends and came home, I just wanted to watch P and couldn't care less about recovery or anything! How can I not care, after reading all my posts and everything? Anyway I didn't care and just wanted to watch P and MBd to it ALL NIGHT. I got around the filter pretty easy (I should really ask my GF to change the password...) and then I went on hours straight. I didn't slip this heavily since I am on this board and started recovery. It just felt good, being in my own old pattern again. And even now, I don't feel really empty and stupid, like I usually do after a slip. I don't really feel anything when thinking about it, just a bit tired because I was up all night. The fact that I still don't really care makes it the more worrying...
Has anyone here encountered these feelings of indifference? Is this just a problem I am having with my self discipline? I think so
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maart
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Post by maart on Dec 17, 2007 7:52:03 GMT -5
Checking in. Yesterday night I had a very hard talk with my GF. In the beginning she was so supportive, but I screwed up. The last couple of weeks, while my recovery wasn't going that well, she asked me a couple of times how I was handling the P problem. I just said things like: "Oh, it's going fine" or "It's hard, but I am getting somewhere". I ignored her really, left her in the dark. Until yesterday, when she asked how long it has been since I looked at P. I said "yesterday". She was very upset. Then came a horrible moment, she was saying things like: "Why can't you just quit?", "Don't hang around that stupid forum all day (she meant this one) go outside, do something".
What's horrible about this, is that in response I am trying to defend myself as an addict. "Why can't you just quit?" Man, that question is why we are all here! It is not easily answered. I said things like "Well, that's what makes this an addiction, it's not all about willpower, it's about setting rules and following a program. A lot of guys slip and we talk about it". To her it's all excuses. "Look at me I am a weak little addict, ain't I sad?" She even said I like calling myself an addict and use this board as an excuse to justify slips.
I really understand why she reacts likes this. After all she trusted me and I would keep her informed on my recovery. I left her in the dark, didn't tell her about slips, about me breaking in to her email to gain the filterpassword. She actually thought this whole "thing" was already over, because I didn't talk to her about it anymore. I screwed up.
What I found so difficult in the conversation is that I now have some knowledge on P addiction, by coming here, talking to you and reading. She doesn't. It makes me feel lost and angry, hearing things like "why don't you just quit" and "you don't take this serious". I mean I am dealing with this thing everyday. Sure, I slipped a couple of times ( well, A LOT of times), but there also were a lot of occasions when I fought the temptations.
It's going slow, recovery. On page 2, larus said:
Well yeah... I can pick up things quickly... But I am also very good at fooling people, and fooling myself. Believing that I am recovering while in fact I am still looking at P, just less then before. Am I moaning like little child? Should I just show more character? Thanks to this board, I already know that I have an addiction, what I should do when I have an urge ect. Now I should put that into practice. Yesterday my GF really put me in my place. Let's not let that go to waste!
Cheers, Maarten
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Post by larus on Dec 17, 2007 9:21:39 GMT -5
hi Maart
if you can pick things up easily, then what is going wrong? Clearly just posting on the board is not the answer. Fooling yourself, fooling others, it is textbook addict behaviour. But even though that is simple, the solution is not simple.
To begin with, do you want to recover? It is not the same as quitting p. (Which in itself would be a major step.) Do you feel like facing your deceit, recognise the inherent creepiness, the emotional emptiness? Facing guilt, fear, embarassment. What would life be like outside the addiction?
You cannot depend on others to motivate you or save you - to really make the recovery process take root, you can only depend on yourself. You can take measures if that is what can propel you forward. I would suggest you find face to face support. A group, or a therapist, or both.
Wishing you all the best
larus
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Post by here2learn on Dec 17, 2007 17:07:03 GMT -5
Hello Maart, I hope you find a way out of this mess, and likewise with the rest of us.
P is something that the physical self by nature finds very interesting. It can be a great discovery for someone. And the physical self will not stop until it explores P from every angle (and there are probably infinite angles to it so the self will forever delve in it). UNLESS, that self discovers something greater. And what can be greater than the one who created and has control of everything seen and unseen.
I know you claim to be an athiest, but I see in your posts that you say "for god's sake". So have you really thought about God? What is it that makes you claim athiesm? (years of indepth research? can you really claim there is no god?)
Is your lower self, in its desire for P, deluding you from discovering the One who can help us out of this situation? I really think you should reflect on this one. For when we say that I intend to recover for any reason other than Him, then its very easy for ourself to talk us out of it. For example, if we say I'm doing it for my special someone, then what if they're not around? I'm on a trip somewhere alone? I'm at work? etc... Or because I want to have a good career. So what about when you accomplish what you wished to accomplish? Your career is set, you're done with work, its time for vacation... what then? You think you won't have the urge to go back to P? I think it would be stronger.
Rather, if we intend to stop P so that we may please the one in who's hands is our life, the one who is always watching to reward those who do good, then there is no way the self can make an excuse around this. (well not a logical excuse anyways)
Some of His attributes: "He will never perish or come to an end." "There is nothing that can overwhelm Him." "He is living and never dies and is eternally active and never sleeps." "And He knows whatever there is in the land and in the sea; not a leaf falls except that He knows about it."
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maart
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Post by maart on Dec 18, 2007 10:05:35 GMT -5
larus. Thanks for replying. On the question if I want to recover or just quit P, I don't really know. For me those 2 were the same thing actually. Right now I think it would be great to just quit P. Sure, I also have other issues as everyone else, but I don't think those issues are directly related to my addiction to P. I rather think that my addiction came from my other shortcomings (being lazy, having trouble with making decisions). About finding some proffesional help, that would be good. A friend of mine is seeing a psychiatrist, I'll ask her. here2learn, I would really like to answer and react to your post but I think that will take some time:) and I have to go offline in about 5 minutes. I'll reply tonight or tomorrow. Clean for 2 days. Today I will not use.
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maart
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Post by maart on Dec 26, 2007 10:55:24 GMT -5
Just checking in, very busy because of the christmas period, my birthday, family/friends ect. Haven't watched P for 4 days now, today is day 5. Funny because I wasn't dealing with the addiction the last couple of days, I was just busy. Maybe that's the way to recovery? Focussing all your energy on other things so you'll "forget" P? Easier than it sounds, it's not christmas everyday of the year. here2learn: You know what it is? If I were to believe in a god, the only reason why I would do that is that it could help me fight the addiction. Because it helps to believe in something "higher" and more powerful than human life. I don't think that's the way it works. I just don't believe in god. Of course I can not claim this as a fact, but so can't anyone who does believe in god. But wether you have prove or not, it's not really relevent. You believe in it or you don't. And from my experiences in life, what I have seen, heard, read and felt, I can honestly say for myself there is no god. What I am trying to say is; why should I suddenly believe in a god now that I am going through a rough time? That would mean religion is just a tool for me to fighting the addicition, like a P internetfilter.
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Post by here2learn on Dec 28, 2007 15:39:38 GMT -5
Just checking in, very busy because of the christmas period, my birthday, family/friends ect. Haven't watched P for 4 days now, today is day 5. Funny because I wasn't dealing with the addiction the last couple of days, I was just busy. Maybe that's the way to recovery? Focussing all your energy on other things so you'll "forget" P? Easier than it sounds, it's not christmas everyday of the year. Good strategy. In fact, I've tried this and I think you mean harder than it sounds I agree. That's NOT how it works. I'm not saying that you can force yourself to suddenly believe in God and poof your addiction is gone. Belief will only come with knowledge. I'm saying you should because He is real. He is alive. He has created us to know Him. And He will help you through life, and through your addiction. A learned Muslim will tell you it's a fact through his knowledge of Him. Through knowledge, you can either increase your belief of His existence if He really exists, or you can disprove the fact of His existence. So your proofs are relevant since they lead you to your conclusion. Again, because He is real, created us to know Him, it's His right upon us, and He is the only one who can help us through life and this addiction.
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