ronin
New Member
Posts: 21
|
Post by ronin on Oct 18, 2007 15:24:55 GMT -5
You mentioned the internet filter. I would assume that there's a password that you have to put in to disable it. I would recommend having your gf set the password. I knew when I set up one on our computers that even with that barrier, if I knew the password, it would be useless.
Keep fighting, I'm fighting REALLY hard myself right now.
|
|
maart
New Member
Posts: 37
|
Post by maart on Oct 18, 2007 15:33:44 GMT -5
thanks everyone for your words.
I'm just checking in. Today was fine, I was with my GF all day long so P doesn't even cross my mind. I will read your replies more carefully tomorrow.
One of the things that came to me today; It's all about balance. If we miss something in our lives, we'll look for something to fill the empty space. Filling that space with something good, something we can be proud of is very important. This kind of relates to your post TH.
I'll check in soon, Peace!
|
|
maart
New Member
Posts: 37
|
Post by maart on Oct 19, 2007 13:13:53 GMT -5
Checking in!
Today is fine, I was working all day. At work I don't have any problems. I guess that starts when I get home and turn on my PC.
TH, thanks for your post. The physical side reminds me that this addiction is partly just a process in my body that needs to be worked on. As for the mental side, I think there are 3 things:
-I can be quite lazy. Just sitting for hours and getting all these intense images without doing anything is great for a lazy person. -My job is tough, there are moments when I love it and moments when I don't believe inmyself anymore. When I watch P, all is well and I don't worry anymore. -I live very visually. I think visually. I'm into drawing, art, films ect. All these sexual images just have a huge impact on me.
@ riconstituting: You are absolutely right. Wondering if P is good or bad is just an excuse to not face facts. Even if P is okay, that has nothing to do with my recovery. I think videogames and alcohol are very nice things, still there are people addicted to it. They have nothing to gain from me thinking it's fine to game/drink.
@ ronin, about the password, first thing my gf is here I'll let her make the password.
Cheers!
|
|
maart
New Member
Posts: 37
|
Post by maart on Oct 22, 2007 13:16:14 GMT -5
This weekend was tough, I gave in and slipped twice. Felt terrible about the whole addiction thing and strangely, that's why I gave into it..
Yesterday and today were okay, I don't have any urges. This week will be very busy so I think I'll be okay.
Cheerio!
|
|
maart
New Member
Posts: 37
|
Post by maart on Nov 25, 2007 9:44:57 GMT -5
Well hello,
Haven't posted for a month! Have been busy and I have let my guard down the whole past month. So I'm not back to tell you everything's fine. I came back because I feel I've let myself down.
I'm not depressed or anything, I just have to take a new step. Returning here, reading some, and reading this whole topic again was a good thing. It's easy to feel weak after a slip or binge (man, I have been binging this whole month). But then again, all those posts I made, all those good thoughts and words, they were REAL. I'm not lying to myself, I'm only lying when I am using again.
Also I need a way to deal with the inner voice. The voice that tells me to watch P.
"I know you think watching P is useless because it takes so much time. Just watch it for 10 minutes... (ten minutes later) Ah well, you're just starting right? It would be a shame to stop now... just one click away for that one fantastic movie"
and so on and so on..
I just have to check in everyday for now and post. Even if I don't have anything to say.
Cheers and good luck to all of you.
|
|
|
Post by breakingfree on Nov 25, 2007 12:05:15 GMT -5
Maart,
Welcome back,
Sorry to hear you have been struggling, but the fact you have come back is positive. Give yourself credit for having the courage to come back and try again.
Looking back on the past month, what do you think you should have done differently?
What steps are taking to reduce the possibility of it happening again?
Congratulations again on the courage to come back.
bf
|
|
|
Post by forein on Nov 25, 2007 12:48:24 GMT -5
Maart, Porn is a way to view life. For us, porn addicts, porn became the way we think about life, people. The way we think about women. I've been porn addict for about 10 years. Two years later since ive given up porn i can tell you its very hard to overcome the urges, to overcome the way i think about women - a porn way, its very hard to bear the consequences of my past life as a porn addict. Porn got me thinking in a porn way about the way i should live my life, but unfortunately none else thinks the same I'm thinking now how many things i could do if i wasn't a porn addict. There is a universe of things i could got done if i wasn't wasting my energy in something completely useless and delusional. Instead im now hanging on the edge of misery everyday - thanks to the wasted energy and time for a illusion. You are young and maybe you think life is before you, but be cautious, cause at some point in time You might be thinking that you wasted your youth in watching porn. My advise is to quit completely. How many youths are wasted in porn addiction? frightening
|
|
maart
New Member
Posts: 37
|
Post by maart on Nov 25, 2007 16:20:17 GMT -5
thanks guys, @bf. What should have I done differently? Just hard work. Coming to this board, writing in my diary. At some point I even thought it was quite stupid that I told my GF about my P addiction because it made everything so complicated... although telling my GF was the best thing I could have done. I kind of turned my back on recovery, didn't want to face my addicition. I think since I am on this board I took one step: Accepting that I am an addict. I think the second step is: Accepting myself as an addict. I am still the same guy and I love myself. But when I think about me being an addict I am disgusted. And how can one work on someone he disgusts? If you are disgusted by someone, you don't want to work on them, you want to leave them alone. But you can only help/raise/teach someone you like. I need to stop thinking I have some "inner demon". That a "beast" inside me tells me I want to watch P. Come on... that's so easy... blaming it on some evil force... That's why men invented Satan. "It's not my fault, something evil did it!" I DON'T wanna offend anyone (I am truly sorry if I did), but I think that for me right now, this is the way to go. It's MY responsibility. And if I want to teach myself to live a better life, I gotta do it with compassion, hard work, and love towards myself, including the guy who is MBing to P at 3AM in the morning. And I gotta be harder on myself, set some rules. If I feel an urge I need to analyse it here. forein: thanks for your reply. I indeed fear the day that I wake up and realise I had wanted to live a different life. Let's work so that day never comes. And for the ones that already had such a realisation: It's never too late to change. Peace.
|
|
|
Post by grillo on Nov 27, 2007 11:33:34 GMT -5
Hey Maart,
It's nice to hear your views. The way you understand porn and this sorry addiction is similar to mine. I am not religious either. Or at least and I don't subscribe to an organized religion. I don't see anything wrong with masturbation in itself. And I don't think porn is evil. I don't subscribe to the idea of sin. But porn addiction is a really annoying problem. Most importantly it is such a colossal waste of time. You are young and have so much you can achieve in life. Porn reduces those possibilities. Is anyone ever going to look back on their death bead and think "Oh, I wish and I had jacked off to more porn." Also, although we are not religious doesn't mean we can't pray in our own way, say words alloud to ourselves to give us the drive to carry on. We can do it.
NO SURRENDER
|
|
maart
New Member
Posts: 37
|
Post by maart on Nov 28, 2007 17:46:35 GMT -5
grillo, cool that you're with me.
Yesterday en the day before were not that good. I was at my parents house, and they don't have an internetfilter. First thing I did when I was at the PC... I think you can guess it. Today is quite okay, I have had urges all evening, at one point I was this close to try to get into my GF's emailaccount to get my password for the internetfilter, but I stopped myself in time. While typing this I am so glad that I didn't do it. That I didn't betray her trust. Focus on the good things!
|
|
maart
New Member
Posts: 37
|
Post by maart on Nov 29, 2007 8:17:41 GMT -5
I did betray her trust in the end of the evening... Just before I went to bed. Thought that it wouldn't matter because it was the end of the day. Why do I make up these lame excuses all the time. A big part of me still wants it apperantly. Will this part of me ever change? I think it can. Today is a new day and a new opportuniy...
|
|
|
Post by caben27 on Nov 29, 2007 16:51:27 GMT -5
maart, I'm a brand new member. Just signed up today, in fact. You and I have almost the same struggles. Let me tell you something though, hang on to that GF of yours. She's a keeper. She understands and wants to help, but that will wear thin if you continue what you're doing. My girlfriend and I broke up about three months ago. Our relationship was off and on for two years. I loved her. I LOVE her. She is a wonderful girl. Our relationship didn't work out for many reasons, but one of them, and one that I NEVER told her about, was my addiction to porn. We would make plans, and I would be late because I would be watching porn online and masturbating, and she would call and ask where I was, and I would get so aggravated (because I was embarassed and ashamed) that I would snap at her. She had no idea why I was doing this. I put such a strain on our relationship, and caused so much pain, and she didn't even know why. She didn't deserve that.
I'm not saying this is what is happening with you and your GF, but it could.
You and I are in this boat together, maart. Let's get it done. My last "slip-up" was a few hours ago. I'm a teacher, and I am trying to grade my student's final papers of the semeser, and I get bored so I check some of my favorite websites. Just fifteen minutes. Just fifteen more...and hours have passed. I know exactly what that's like. I can't tell you how comforting it is to know that other people have EXACTLY the same problem.
Does anyone on here have advice for methods to overcome urges as they arise? I tried running for a while, and that worked until the weather got cold, and now I'm stuck indoors, just me and my computer, for most of the week.
Cheers, maart. Again, let's get this thing done!
|
|
maart
New Member
Posts: 37
|
Post by maart on Nov 29, 2007 17:22:06 GMT -5
Thanks caben27!
Isn't it crazy that when we are analyzing the problem it's all so clear?
We know that when we think "Just 15 minutes" it will never be 15 minutes, still when the times comes we think "ah what the heck" suddenly when think differently. I have no idea what to do now, since I have been back on this board I have slipped everyday. I told myself that when I had urges I would play a videogame/listen to some music/come to this board. However everytime I have an urge I don't WANT to do those things. I think to myself "You and your silly recovery, I just want to do this". Afterwards I am looking at the trap I have fallen in, like so many times before... We can fight anything, but how can you fight yourself?
I would like to hear all your thoughts. Let's get through this. We got a life to live right?
|
|
|
Post by here2learn on Nov 29, 2007 18:05:21 GMT -5
Indeed we have a life to live!
Here's a thought: Have you tried making a list of why you should quit this addiction? Why do you think it's a problem? For me, I've tried to learn alot about this problem more and more and have tried to come up with more reasons of why I shouldn't go back to it. When I have done this, I was able to think clearly and control myself. When I forgot this, I would slip.
|
|
maart
New Member
Posts: 37
|
Post by maart on Nov 29, 2007 18:55:01 GMT -5
Thanks here2learn for the advice. I'll make a list. I might as well do it here. Why I should quit: - Watching P just costs too much time. - When I use it I am no longer the one in charge. So while it takes so much time, it takes even more time since I am not able to stop. - Because of this I have little time left. I can't do the things I like. Listen to music. Read. Write. Drawing. ect. - More worrying, I have little time left to properly take care of myself. Cleaning the house (It's a total mess in here), doing the dishes (The kitchen looks like a jungle, last year I had mice all over the place because of it), bringing my loundry to the drycleaner (there are clothes everywhere!), having a proper breakfast, lunch, and diner at the right time. (When I'm watching P I usually eat past 11PM). - My image of sex will gradually change. My brain is being trained in a way I don't want it to be. - I am quite a lazy person. If I go on with this I'll grow even lazier. I have a little theory on this: What we see in the P videos might be the biggest dream of the physical nature of men: We want to procreate, that's why mother nature has put us here. According to nature, individuality is not important, it's about how many one can produce. Every species here has been programmed by nature with a very heavy sex code. If we have loads of sex everyday, with lots of different woman, mother nature will be very happy. But you have gotta earn it. All these women will only wanna have your babies if your very very special. And to be special you have gotta work, you gotta be an emperor or a rockstar ect. if you wanna have the sex we see in these videos. Well this story is a bit far fetched, but what I am trying to say is: Everyday I get a fix, without doing anything, without accomplishing anything for it. Your brain should be trained like: You do something -> you get an appropriate reward. For example: You shave, have a shower, feel good about yourself -> someone gives you a nice remark. Or you study the guitar -> After a couple of months you can play a nice song. When using porn, you get a reward you (or your body) desires, without doing a thing. There's no work involved. I feel that my view on working hard in life might be heavily damaged by this. (phew, I feel I have just typed a long incoherent story - I am wasting sexual energy I should have put in my girlfriend - I am wasting energy I should have put in all the things I love - I don't want to NEED something. Especially something that might be nice the moment I am using it, but always knowing afterwards that my life won't improve, for all the above reasons. It's a good thing I made this list. I think it applys to lot's of P addicts. I hope it will help me, and I hope it will help anyone who reads it! Good night
|
|