I'm new, and I am addicted

[here2learn]

Those are good reasons. However, for me, when I've tried using just those reasons, my self will try to talk me out of it when the urge comes. For example, when I have time, then it will tell me "you have lots of time, you can finish other stuff tomorrow on your day off, this is a must watch movie for now", or the infamous one: "just do it this one last time, last time! - after this no more". And when I'm bored, then it will tell me "try P, it will certainly wake you up."

It wasn't until about 2 years into college that I was able to add more reasons to this list after starting to reflect on where my life was going, why I'm here, and where _should_ it be going. I started to study religion and saw that Islam had the answers to my questions. Thus I was able to find that we're created to live according to how our Creator wants us to live, since He is the One who created us and knows what's best for us. I took classes at an Islamic School, read books, read the Quran, etc. Thus it became easy for me to control myself since I now had hard logical reasons of why I shouldn't follow all urges - reasons which the self can't get around with excuses. Still though, whenever I forgot what I had learned, I would fall again. So far this board is another great tool to help me remember.

[grillo]

That's an interesting theory Maart and good food for thought. I think we are all a little different (like snowflakes) and our sexuality is all a little different. So in the same way, the reasons we get sucked into porn can vary from guy to guy (and guy to girl). At the same time, most of us can find some common ground with others about our sexuality and PA.
I get attracted to porn and smut which portrays these girls as sex objects instead of real people. They don't complain or make fun of you like real people can. They are just "sluts" who want to please me. So porn takes me to an emotionally comfortable place, a world I can visit when I feel low.
And perhaps yes, I suddenly feel like a king or a rock star suddenly with all these fantasy girls around me even though I have done nothing. And when I come, the illusion breaks and I feel more lonely. Because porn, in its essence, is a lie that we willingly believe.

Break the pattern. Love life. No retreat.

[maart]

here2learn,

I think that there is a bigger, better reason to stop. Maybe not a reason to stop, it's bigger than that. It's a reason to live. One of my reasons to live is my art. I am an actor/musician. The funny thing is, that while I am performing on stage for a couple of months during the day I would usually watch P. It didn't affect my acting, in fact sometimes I would feel so crap that on stage I could let go and it would help my performance. (Not that I cherrish the P, it's just not that destructive). But in between plays, when I should get some writing/composing/whatever done the P really becomes a problem. 2 weeks ago I just finished a show, next month I'm starting rehearsing for the next. So right now, with o month of space in between is the most difficult time, because now I get confronted with the negative sides of P. It makes me feel useless and I don't get anything done.

So I guess the biggest reason to stop is: To avoid the day that I wake up, 50 years old, knowing "I have had my chance, but I wasted it."

Off course P isn't the only thing that could cause such a day, but right now it is a big factor. I am on day 2 know and it is going quite well.

@ grillo: Indeed, the "sluts" who just want to please are very comforting. But they only exist on your PC. It makes the real world way harder than it should be. We are young and our minds shouldn't be molded by these illusions and lies.

And of course it's is so obvious that P is an illusion and a lie. But I think that what makes us an addict, is the fact that we start to believe in these lies to search for some sort of comfort.

This board is great. I just have to think about P a couple of times a day. With this board I can do that over here, and think about it in a different way, a way that makes me better.

Cheerio and have a nice weekend

[here2learn]

maart said:

So I guess the biggest reason to stop is: To avoid the day that I wake up, 50 years old, knowing "I have had my chance, but I wasted it."

Maart,

Having read your posts, I see that you're an atheist. That's fine - everyone has their own life that they're responsible for. But I don't understand why you're saying that's a big reason. I would imagine that if someone says I only have this life to live, then why not live it any way you desire. Hmm...I guess what you really desire most of the time is not porn but rather a porn-free life and that's what you would regret later. OK, I think I answered that one myself right?

After studying Islam, I now have come to know that this life is only a temporary test life and that we have our real life ahead of us after death. So would you agree that if someone has knowledge of this fact, then its a bigger reason to quit for? It is a big deal for someone to realize at 50 that he has wasted his life, but he would not regret it as much as waking up after death to know that he has failed his test and must face the consequences.

Not believing in the next life, that person at 50 only has a few years left anyways. And he has no consequences to face after that, except maybe some regret that he didn't accomplish what he wanted, etc. But then again, would he really regret it that much? Its not like he's missed some reward that he would get for completing some accomplishment. There are many who live great lives full of great accomplishments and yet at the end its still death for everyone - even before he sees any reward in this world for his great work.

[maart]

Phew here2learn, I think this a whole different discussion so I don't really know what to say. It is really interesting though so I'll try to answer.

I haven't determined for myself if there is something after death. But wheter there is or there is not, for me that hasn't really have to do with anything I'm dealing with now. There is only this moment. And I want to explore myself and my life in every possible way.

Off course most of the people that really acclompished significant things for this world, scientists, artists, politicians ect. aren't that much happier than other people, they might be even less happy.

It's funny because yesterday I had this discussion with a friend; What if Faith came to you, and gave you the following choice (Like the godess Athena gave Achilles a choice)
- A long ordinary life
- A short life with many accomplushments and honor.
It's not an easy choice, but I chose the second one.

And for me the "reward" at the and doesn't really matter (since I'm not sure about life after death), doing great things during one's life is the actual reward. And those things can be really small.

Just typed this really quick, so I'll get into it another time,

Cheers

[maart]

Today is day 3. No P today I can do this

[facingit]

Hey man. Excellent post. I'm alot like you. I also don't believe porn is pure evil - although I certainly think the human race would be better off without it - and I DEFINITELY would be. I sort of see it like alcohol. Some people can have a few drinks every once in a while and it is cool - for others it becomes a life-destroying, crippling illness. Also like you it seems, the thing that makes me most sick is when I think of the THOUSANDS of hours of my life I have lost to p. If only I had that time to spend again... anyways, I guess this is part of being human. If you ever want to talk to a likeminded recovering addict, feel free to pm me.

:Edit - perhaps I do think that porn is pure evil:

[here2learn]

maart said:

I haven't determined for myself if there is something after death. But wheter there is or there is not, for me that hasn't really have to do with anything I'm dealing with now.

Well our future is dependent on what we do now. So whether there is something after death or not has everything to do with what we do now.

[caben27]

Dang it. I slipped again. I thought that I could just go online and satisfy myself with some soft core stuff (no sex acts, just attractive women, etc.) and I knew it was going to happen, but it spiraled. Luckily, I was able to stop myself after "only" half an hour.

I'm sure there are other threads that speak directly to this question, but does anyone here have any suggestions for ways to fight the urge as it happens? I need to be stronger, and just know that if I look at ANYTHING it will lead to looking at porn. But how can I remind myself of this when I'm on the way to the computer?

[maart]

It's so cool that when I'm back in my topic I see all these reactions

facingit cool you joined the discussion. Indeed how can P be pure evil? It makes it so much easier to deal with yourself once you believe you have been "victimized" by "evil". I believe it's way more confronting to look at yourself and say "Hey, there's this thing that lots of people can deal with (wheter it be porn, alcohol or drugs), but I just can't". And that's why you have to work on yourself. And what I learned on this board; Thinking if P is evil is just an irrelevant question. Right now, it's destructive for me. and that's really only thing that matters. This is no good/evil thing, at least not for me.

Fighting the urges is just very hard. The last two days I wasn't at home and I have no real urges. But when I'm at home and I turn on my laptop P is the first thing that crossed my mind. I actually WANTED to slip just now, I felt so much like it. I tell myself that this time it's my own choice, I just want to to it because I like it, like a hobby. But fortunatly I came here (I have made it a habit to come here first thing when I go online) and read all your messages. A tremendous help. I DID slip sunday. Damn. So right now it's day two again.

About the whole "evil" thing again, it can be helpful to think that way. I mean if you think that P is pure evil itself it may be scarier and it maybe an extra motivation to stay off P. Because right now, even though I'm typing this I am still really looking forward to click on "Post Reply" and just go nuts surfing for P. But let's not go there. I mean I have done that loads of times right? Like you said facing it, for thousands of hours. Did it give me pleasure? Yes some, but it also made me come here.

Day 2 w/o P, let's keep it that way, just for today.

@ here2learn: Does that mean that you think there will be a life after death just by believing it? And for the ones that don't believe there will be nothing?

[here2learn]

maart said:

@ here2learn: Does that mean that you think there will be a life after death just by believing it? And for the ones that don't believe there will be nothing?

Nope, I'm not saying I believe in life after death without any basis. For if that was the case, then it would be very easy for myself to talk me out of it and I would certainly not be able to act on that belief. Rather, I have found in Islam that it must be the case that life after death exists, or this life is meaningless.

However, belief in life after death first requires belief in God. Having found God, one can then see that if there was no life after death then this life would be meaningless because many work so hard to achieve something only to lose it all at the end. And if this life were meaningless then we have said that God did something for no reason and that is against reason.

Anyways, this is just a quick writeup. I'm still a student and trying to learn myself in the little free time I get here and there. I sincerely suggest you start looking at Islam.

Meanwhile, I found this interesting: discovering-islam.blogspot.com/2007/12/hereafter-life-after-death.html

[maart]

Hi all,

It's been a couple of days. It's painfully predictable, but that means I have been in a binge for the last 4 days.

I think you know what it's like; you slip once, and suddenly you just don't care about the recovery thing, it makes you come back and back to P. There was no internal struggle, no battle between "You should watch some" and "Come on, you shouldn't". I wanted it and I gave in. Somewhere in my head I knew that I shouldn't, but that part just doesn't win. I KNOW that I am here for a reason, that the hours spent here were useful. But my BEING says otherwise. It reminds me of a beautiful story in Greek mythology. It goes something like this:

The talented musician Orpeus was married to the beautiful Eurydice. However one day his wife got bitten by a snake in her foot. Because of the poison, she died.
Orpheus couldn't bear his loss so he came with a plan that no man has done before: He would go to the underworld and beg Hades, god of the underworld to give his wife back to him. And so he did. Filled with love he went, and finally he stood before the throne of Hades himself. The moment he started to sing all in the underworld where deeply moved. Never had a living human been there, let alone sing. Hades was also impressed, and he arranged that Orpheus could take his beloved Eurydice back to the living world. On one condition: On their way back, Eurydice had to walk all the way behind Orpheus out of his sight. And Orpheus was not allowed to turn around and look at her, he had to listen carefully if she was still behind him.
Orpheus took off, with Eurydice following him. All went well, but when they neared the exit of the underworld, Orpheus couldn't hear his beloved anymore. He stood still, but all was silent. He screamed her name, listened very carefully, but nothing. Maybe she needed his help, maybe she was stuck somewhere? If he walked through the exit now and she wasn't with him he would lose her forever. Finally he couldn't take it and turned around to go looking for her. But when he turned around he looked straight into her eyes and she vanished. The living world just a metre away, he had lost her forever.

So while Orpheus KNEW he couldn't turn around, still he did. Where this story is different from our addiction, is that the thing that makes Orpheus turn around is his wife Eurydice. A real person that loves him.
We however turn around to look at P, finding ourselves more miserable than we were before. Orpheus also felt pretty miserable. From that day on he could only sing and play music that was so awful, that everyone around him went mad and finally ripped him to pieces. Yup.

Just had to think about that because sometimes, when we KNOW we shouldn't, and we really don't want something because we know the consequences, we still do something.

Anyway something I thought about today, is that in order to tackle this addicition, you have to find something. It's not about killing the addict inside of you, it's about finding something inside yourself that's stronger. Don't concentrate so much on the killing, that will happen automaticly once you are a stronger man. Today I woke up and I really wanted to change. It made me want to quit P for good. Off course I have had this feeling almost everyday, but I don't know today that feeling was much more pure. I didn't think "Today I must quit P", I thought "From today I want to be better, happier, cleaner and be more balanced. In order to get there, ONE of the things I need to do is quit P". Fighting P is not the first priority anymore. That doesn't mean I take my recovery any less serious! It just means, less emphasis on fighting the P, more emphasis on taking care of me. Today I just did some cleaning in the house which I should have done a long time ago. And all I know is; it felt great.

Thanks for reading

[addict70]

Hi, I'm here for the same reason all of you are. I'm hooked and I need help. I'm not a religeous person so I have no moral qualms about P, but using all the time for many years has made me feel twisted and quite frankly like less of a man. I need to stop if I ever hope to acheive the ideal of what I want to be.

I've always like P since I was old enough to enjoy it, and at the time with no internet finding it was a few and far between sort of thing. Now with the internet and plenty of time to kill a once normal thing has turned into a daily cure for boredom and a fix for stress and depression. Also the crap I've managed to get into, whithout going into specifics while not being illegal is the sort of thing a person wants to hide. I need to stop this and I know only I'm to blame for it, so it's up to me to pull myself out by the bootstraps and move forward. P has done nothing for me but get me divorced and devour countless hours that could have been spent experiencing life. It's become the monkey on my back. I'm here for information and support.

[maart]

cool you're here addict70.

For me it's day 2 now, I HAVE to stay clean, just for today

[pmr]

maart said:

This is probably more serious then I thought. I slipped today. After two days...

It wasn't with a movie but with a magazine (no sex, just models). So for myself I probably rationalized it thinking "it's not internet P so it's okay". Stupid me.

People have come up with many definitions regarding what an addiction is.

I'm sort of with you on the porn is not evil approach. We have kids watching films like Saw or some other graphic and bloody films and killing people is okay, but porn is evil.

But you know what? When you stop doing things and when you lose interest in the world around you because of a pleasure-centered life, be it porn or cocaine, you have a problem.

If you use porn to constantly self-medicate, as someone here described it, then you really do have a problem.


It's sort of like with alcohol. If you go out three times a month and drink and party but you work hard every single day and still have your hobbies, interests, wife and home and you dedicate sometime to every single one then it's okay. Yet once you cross the line and choose porn over responsibility then, you guessed it, have a problem.

I've noticed that in my case, usage of porn is generally preceded by anxiety. There are things which I have to do, but I don't want to do, usually out of fear and sometimes out of laziness. I have never considered myself lazy, though, but once the anxiety builds up, it's good to get a hit of porn just as you would down some booze or smoke some marijuana.

You mentioned that you've slipped, what does that mean? You are not in control. It controls you. That needs to be reversed.

pmr