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Post by ladybug71 on Jan 25, 2006 10:28:49 GMT -5
Jaredi - I see you found the LDS thread!
I'm not a Bishop, nor have I ever been one, so take my advice for what it's worth...
The point of confessing to your Bishop is to ask for his help in the repentance process. If you are really trying to quit, then what would happen if you knew that each and every time you slipped you would have to report to him? Would it be a motivating factor for you to avoid slipping? In that situation, your Bishop could act as your accountability partner (or sponsor, if you prefer that lingo). There really is power in having a partner like that for your recovery.
For me, I committed to reporting on a regular and frequent basis to another person (my wife). That committment to immediate honesty was a HUGE motivation to remain clean. It is VERY UNCOMFORTABLE to have to tell my wife that I slipped, and I never want to do it again. It hurts her, it makes me feel like crap, and it reminds me of the damage I've done to my marriage.
On the other hand, if you are not really ready to give it up, then frequent confessions aren't really going to make a difference, I think. This may sound harsh, but why bother him with daily updates if you'd really rather be porning anyway?
When you DO talk to your Bishop, though, I sincerely believe that you should always always ALWAYS tell the truth, even if you're not ready to change. To me, lying to him as always felt like lying to God. Didn't seem like it does any good to hold back... even if you did deceive him, would you really want some church calling that was based upon your worthiness, when you lied to the Bishop? Just seems like a whole heap of trouble.
Best wishes jaredi, lb
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Post by ladybug71 on Jan 25, 2006 10:29:52 GMT -5
Lanfear
In case you hadn't guessed from my last post, I think you're doing the right thing in talking to the Bishop. I think it is especially cool that you're approaching your upcoming interview in a Spirit of prayer. If you are really wanting help with your addiction, this can be a great opportunity for you. Perhaps you could even fast before your interview, and beg the Lord to help your heart be softened and ready to be changed, and to help the Bishop give you wise counsel. I would think that with that recipe, you are setting yourself up for a very positive experience... perhaps even life-changing. If you approach the interview humbly and prayerfully, it seems to me that the Lord would be very willing to bless and help you.
Good luck! lb
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Post by ladybug71 on Jan 25, 2006 10:48:49 GMT -5
riverdude,
My stake did a fireside a few months ago about Pornography. I was SO very glad that they did. I attended it, but not without some fear... it's like, if you show up for a Pornography fireside, you feel like there's a big red arrow over your head saying "I have a problem with Porn". Also, I was afraid I'd be like one of 10 people there, all with similar red arrows over their heads.
Despite my fear, the fireside was actually quite well attended. Probably 50+ people were there. A stake leader talked for a while, and then a counselor from LDS social services spoke. The whole thing was excellent.
In addition, there are some LDS-sponsored addiction support groups in my area, for both PAs and SOs. I have attended the support group a couple of times.
All of these things, I think, have helped me feel a little more comfortable with my problem; like I'm not the only one in the LDS world who has this problem and is trying to fight it.
Still, I wish that even more could be done... if it were up to me, I'd like to hear at least a talk a month or quarter, or at least every stake conference, offering encouragement, advice, and hope for people like us. Perhaps even some stake leader saying something like "If you know somebody who is struggling with this addiction, they're not all disgusting perverts! Most of them are normal people who just got hooked on some bad stuff, and are trying to get better!"
... well, something like that anyway.
Okay, I'm just dreamin' this morning I guess.
lb
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StrikeTheDemons
Full Member
(I know, it's a dumb avatar, but there isn't much to choose from)
Posts: 244
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Post by StrikeTheDemons on Jan 25, 2006 16:44:22 GMT -5
Been a while since I've heard from anybody on this thread, so let me bump it with a question. 1 - Married or single? 2 - If you are married, does your spouse know of your addiction struggles? If you are single, who is your support group? 3 - Does your spouse go anywhere for support? My answers: 1 - Married for 5 years 2 - My Spouse knows, and I'm glad she does. I tell her everything now and I never want to keep secrets from her again. I found a life of lies is a horrible dark life to live. 3 - My spouse is afraid to go to support meetings and has never been to the board. We are in the process of looking for a good marriage counciler. Maybe she'll feel more comfortable after that. -Strike-
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Post by Curious Voyager on Jan 25, 2006 17:13:19 GMT -5
I'm asking for support from the LDS board members especially.
Please pray for me the next fews days that my heart will soften and that a parole board will do what I think is right and keep a convicetd murderer behind bars.
Tomorrow if they give parole--I'm not sure I could bear it, I'm afraid too much of the old me lives in my heart.
Thanks brothers and sisters
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StrikeTheDemons
Full Member
(I know, it's a dumb avatar, but there isn't much to choose from)
Posts: 244
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Post by StrikeTheDemons on Jan 25, 2006 17:58:57 GMT -5
Curious - You know I'm always there for you, brother. I don't know if I've ever seen you ask for help so this kind of worries me. Wish I maybe knew more of what you were talking about, but I'll definately keep you in my prayers. Take care.
-Strike-
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Post by riverdude on Jan 25, 2006 20:33:27 GMT -5
Again this is me talking and not doctrine or priesthood leader or anything - just a guy. My thought is that if you are "suppose to" then it's not really gonna help. It has to be 'cause you "want" to. Seeing the bishop to me is like talking to my best friend (who happens to be the person I've talked to about this problem and I'm accountable to him). I talk to him not because someone tells me to - I talk to him because I know he'll help me. I know that I've made a goal to be accountable to him and I have to stick to that. And I talk to him because he's the one I feel most comfortable talking to about important things in my life. I feel a bishop should be the same.
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Post by riverdude on Jan 25, 2006 20:41:14 GMT -5
that last msg was in response to choi, Curious we're prayin' for you, LB - there have been more and more talks devoted to P. In a way this is not good because it's so big a problem but in another way I think we're starting to learn as a church that we need to deal with this in a non-secret way. It needs to be known that a lot of us struggle (not necesarrily putting any red arrows anywhere) and we need love just as much as anyone else that is fighting something. Little by little we're gettin' there.
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Post by ladybug71 on Jan 26, 2006 12:03:34 GMT -5
rd-I agree with you about how it seems to be getting more attention. The release of the LDS version of the 12 steps guide was a huge inspiration to me, as well as the formation of support groups. providentliving.org now lists many local SA support groups, which I think is a huge step forward.
Also, I noticed that I got a lot more comfortable with it once I'd learned to be more honest about where I was at. If I needed to, I think I would be willing to tell the whole ward about my addiction now. I'd almost rather it be out in the open, and maybe have some other people who have struggled with it know that they have somebody else to turn to. The whole secrecy aspect to the addiction can be, IMO, part of what keeps a person IN the addiction to begin with.
cv-I'll be praying for you, man. Hope things work out for the best.
lb
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Post by Covad on Jan 26, 2006 12:07:04 GMT -5
CV: Prayer offered. I have confidence in your new self.
LB: I don't think the stigma of pornography will ever be lessened enough for me to feel comfortable with anyone but my priesthood leaders and my wife knowing about my addiction. Most addicts do not understand this addiction let alone those who have never dealt with it. I think most people in the church do and will continue to believe that addiction to pornography is a self-control issue as opposed to an emotional/psychological/coping problem.
Besides, I think the stigma associated with pornography use is a healthy deterrent for those who may be tempted to give it a try.
Covad
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Post by ladybug71 on Jan 26, 2006 12:25:27 GMT -5
The "healthy deterant" idea is a good point covad... I agree. I never want it to be "acceptable" to have a porn addiction. Perhaps just because my addict stinking thinking convinced me that if anybody ever found out, I'd be shunned and castigated... there'd be a big scarlet letter attached to my membership records forever more.
Even now, after many months of recovery and sobriety, sometimes I still have that fear. Other times, I just get tired of walking around with the "secret" of what I used to be still hanging over me.
That's another reason why confessing is healing, even while it is so difficult. The ability to finally get the burden of your sins off your chest and share them with somebody (especially somebody who has the authority to act as a Judge in the church) is relieving because you no longer feel like there is a huge weight hanging over you. You take off that weight and present it to the Bishop. He helps you figure out what you need to do to transfer that weight over to the Savior, who gladly takes that weight from us as we learn to repent and change our lives.
That make any sense?
Thanks all for the good dialog here! lb
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Post by Covad on Jan 26, 2006 13:54:13 GMT -5
Makes sense to me.
I agree with your attitude about confession - it lends added meaning and feeling to the phrase "I'm clean."
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Post by Curious Voyager on Jan 26, 2006 15:45:46 GMT -5
thank you all.
God has taken care of that man and now I need to let Him take care of me.
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Post by suedehead on Jan 27, 2006 14:00:10 GMT -5
I would like to know, in your experiences with your bishops, is it standard to remove the temple reccommend once an admission of P addiction is made? Or, does it depend on the nature of the P addiction/acting out? Or does it depend entirely on the discretion of the bishop?
And, second, does the bishop typically expect that the spouse be told right away?
Thanks, all.
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Post by Covad on Jan 27, 2006 14:20:53 GMT -5
rbc2:
1. It does depend entirely on the discretion of the bishop. However, from my own experience, I have never had my recommend pulled, or had any other form of discipline. To the contrary, most bishops recommended increased temple attendance. One bishop recommended that if I have a relapse, I should not attend the temple for a few weeks. He did not threaten actually taking the recommend though. To the best of my memory, since 1995 I have confessed to maybe 4 different bishops and one stake president. One of my bishops actually admitted to me that he had previously had problems with porn.
Ultimately, confession to your bishop is the best route. It will eliminate any doubt in your mind as to whether you are worthy. I would rather know that I did confess than worry about whether I should. The pain of confessing lasts a little before and during, but the nagging worry about whether I should or not continues almost everyday if I don't.
2. My bishops have recommended I include my wife. Being honest with her can increase your intimacy with her; and you need her support. There was a time when my wife was pregnant that my bishop agreed that it would be best to wait until after the baby came. Your wife can, if you allow her, be one of your greatest allies in fighting this addiction.
Hope that helps,
Covad
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