Lanfear
Full Member
Good will always conquer evil.
Posts: 139
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Post by Lanfear on Jan 27, 2006 18:35:36 GMT -5
That seems kind of odd to not have your reccomend pulled... Your violating the commandments. Im only 16 now, but i got put on bishops probation and i cant take or pass the sacramanent. I feel good about it though... It's my punishment for screwing up my life.
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Post by riverdude on Jan 27, 2006 21:53:42 GMT -5
Lanfear, It sounds to me like you did the right thing for you! Congrat's. Not only should you see this as a good thing like you already do, but it's also so much more a blessing than a punishment. It took me a long time to understand this but any church "repremand" is only a boost up to me - a help in my recovery. Keep trekkin' brotha! rd
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Post by ready2change on Jan 29, 2006 12:23:43 GMT -5
Hi, I'm a new guy. I was very excited to have found this site and even more so to see that there was an LDS section. I plan on posting a quick blurb in the main discussion board about me so I don't bog things down here. To tell you the truth I really thought I was one of the few members who had problems like this. I guess I should have got a clue from the various Ensign articles about the subject.
I haven't read through this entire thread and there has been some really good advice. Some of it scares me but it mostly gives me comfort.
Once I gather my thoughts a little better I will tell everyone a little more about me and my situation and some upcoming struggles I will be facing. In the meantime, I will be reading over the boards and soaking up all the experiences.
Thanks! ready
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Lanfear
Full Member
Good will always conquer evil.
Posts: 139
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Post by Lanfear on Jan 29, 2006 21:05:41 GMT -5
Ready2change- you have a long road ahead of you, and it's not going to be easy or pretty, but i promise you it's going to change your life if you are committed.
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Post by suedehead on Jan 29, 2006 21:35:32 GMT -5
Just wanted to check in and say thanks to Covad for the feedback. I would really like to hear from others. Bottom line: I know I need to do it. What's more is, I know I will do it. Just one step at a time. One step at a time. My wife, incidentally, is 2.5 months pregnant. Interestingly, I consider this a good thing. Our sex life during this period has slowed way down. So I am much less likely to use her as a withdraw outlet. I have also told myself I will not initiate sex. I will wait for her to do so. She is fine with this since sex is among the last things on her mind right now (she has really bad morning sickness). So we have very little sex. And when we do, it is because she wants to--not because I need a fix. So I am learning to live without P, AND I am learning to think of sex as a loving response to my wife's need for affection and intimacy. It's a double whammy (the good kind). The other night, she initiated it, I responded in a thoughtful measured way, and it was great sex. I've always considered myself a considerate partner in bed, and she has always said so, but now I feel something more sincere.
THAT was a tangent. Sorry.
Any more bishop stories? I know it's personal, but then, what isn't on this board. Thanks, all.
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choi
New Member
Posts: 28
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Post by choi on Jan 29, 2006 22:04:36 GMT -5
rbc2,
I'm so glad you asked the question about bishop response. I was also wondering about the temple recommend issue because mine and my wife's just expired. She has been eager to renew them, but due to my PA/MA addiction, I have been hesitant to do so. I feel unworthy to attend to the temple, but like covad's bishop told him, it may help to increase temple attendance. My bishop is a family therapist for addicts, so it should be easier for me to go to him and confess. Yet, it is still so hard to commit because it is a fairly new ward and would feel strange throwing this at him as a new member in the ward. Our bishop gave a great lesson in priesthood today that involved the stewardships that each of us are over in our lives. He commented that we will mainly be judged on how we did as sons, husbands, fathers, church callings, and honesty. I pictured myself sitting in the judgement seat with the PA addiction to answer for. I want to have a clear conscience when that time comes because you never know, it could be tomorrow. Some motivator, huh? I think it'll help give me some strength in this battle.
Choi
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Post by suedehead on Jan 30, 2006 2:43:26 GMT -5
Geez, Choi, the parallels never seem to end. I had the same dilemma a few months ago. Our recommends expired; I delayed and delayed (it occurs to me now I am really going to have to answer for that; I was basically discouraging my wife from attending the temple). The other reason I didn't tell my bishop was because he was new. And, like you, I did not want to be first freaky problem. I remember one time when I intentionally "forgot" our recommends and played the fool when we were at the temple desk. I want to vomit thinking of it.
When I first started recovery, part of my plan was to attend the temple regularly for help. I felt as if that was the right thing to do. But I got a different impression in my 12 step meetings (church sponsored). Same with priesthood blessings. I initially thought, I am making an honest attempt to recover, so this is OK, right? But now my interpretation has changed. Hence, the question to others.
The easy response to this is: Why don't we go to our bishops and find out? I am tempted to challenge us. I will go if you go, and we could report back to the board. But I will need a while to make or accept that challenge. I feel like I am in a good place right now. I know the time will come when I need to expand my recovery net. That is when I will have to tell the bishop.
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Post by mickeyparis on Jan 30, 2006 6:38:11 GMT -5
This is my first time posting on any sort of message board concerning Pornography. I've been wanting to quite for some time now but just cant seem to kick the habbit so I figured I'd give this a shot. Im sure it will help. I've worked with several bishops concerning P but nothing has changed. My PA seems to have led farther down the wrong path than most of you on here. I fornicated a couple times and was not happy about it. I knew I needed to change and wanted to. My best and closest attempt to ditch this filthy habbit came when I was at college and met a beautiful girl. I knew that if I wanted to marry her in the temple i'd have to get my act together. I just couldn't bear the thought of her having to deal with my problem as well. I was doing so well with my addiction. Meeting with my bishop regularly. I dated this girl and was falling madly in love with her. As far as I knew she was a strong member who wanted to get married in the temple too. My girl moved back home and I stayed at college. I decided to make a trip to visit her family and things went great the whole week! We hung out and just enjoyed eachother's company. I've never had any sort of sexual feelings for her at all. I didn't want to disrespect her like that. Don't get me wrong, she is drop dead gorgous but I knew better, to keep her seperate from my PA and thoughts. Two nights before I was to leave things got too carried away. She initiated everything and I was so bummed because I didnt' know she'd do anything like that. She wanted me to sleep with her but I turned her down because I had plans to marry her in the temple. We stopped everything that night and just went to sleep. My last night though is a different story. Once again I found myself in this situation and I caved. We ended up sleeping with eachother. I also found out that she had some issues with the temple and church authority. She has no problem telling the bishop she's morally clean because in her mind she hasnt' done anything wrong. "now if i had sex for the wrong reasons, i.e. pure pleasure, fantasy, or prostituting myself then i'd be immoral." I've told my gf about all my PA and past sexual experiences and she was more understanding than any person i've ever told. And that amazes me. I thought she'd hate me and turn me away. I love her for understanding. So here I am. Im addicted to P. I know its led me down this path. I want to change. I want to help my gf understand the importance of temple worthiness. I want an eternal marriage. Im affraid of getting excommunicated because it would be so much harder for me to help her and myself. But whatever the verdict is i'll accept it. I know P is wrong and I don't want to do it anymore. I just know that it has desensitized me and its making it hard for me to feel guilty with sleeping with her. I feel guilty for looking at P but am struggling to find guilt in my sexual actions with my girl. Its almost as if im more worried about what my family and ward members will say if we don't go to the temple, and thats not right. Sorry for such a long post. I've just got a lot on my mind and i'd rather spend my time sharing all of this with you than looking at P.
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Post by ready2change on Jan 30, 2006 10:57:29 GMT -5
Welcome Mickeyparis, I'm also new to the board.
I am curious to know what others have to say about meeting with their bishops. I am in kind of a strange situation with being deployed so hopefully by the time I do meet with mine I will be farther along than I am now. It's nice to know or at least hope that I will still be able to attend the temple. But life is good right now, it's been a day and I am feeling great.
Thanks for the comments Choi, that looked like a great Priesthood meeting. Congratulations on the little one rbc2!
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Post by ladybug71 on Jan 30, 2006 12:40:11 GMT -5
ready2change and mickey-welcome aboard! I'm so glad you're here because it means you're considering changing your life, and that's a great thing!
With regards to the recent posts, I've also been in the position of having my temple recommend expire, and postponing talking to the Bishop to get it renewed... that was after a really big "binge", and I was feeling really bad about my actions.
I eventually did talk to him, and thus began my recovery from this addiction. When I talked to him, I was ready to change my life. He was very concerned for me, and felt like it'd be best if I did not get my recommend renewed for a while. It was a very hard time for me, and I eventually had to explain to my wife why I could not longer accompany her to the temple. Ouch.
Yeah, it was awkward and uncomfortable, but it was also the beginning of real healing, and real accountability for my actions. My Bishop was awesome... he treated me with respect and love, and was totally my ally during this time.
Regarding temple attendance, I think it'd really be best to let your Bishop do his calling. He's been called as a judge in Israel, and if he thinks it best that you not attend the temple for a while, then at least you'll know. Would you really WANT to go to the temple if your own worthiness was in doubt? Even if nobody else knows, He does. Wouldn't it be better to put your life right and then come to the House of the Lord with clean hands?
Of course, if he thinks you can still go, then GO and go A LOT. It is very hard to maintain any sort of P addiction while you are constantly thinking about going to the temple. The two just aren't compatible-eventually one of them must give way to the other.
Anyway, good luck to you all!
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Post by Covad on Jan 30, 2006 14:12:03 GMT -5
That seems kind of odd to not have your reccomend pulled... Your violating the commandments. Lanfear, It should not seem odd at all. The bishop has the responsibility and the mantle to judge each of us as to our worthiness. Under the direction of the Spirit, he decides whether a person should or should not attend the temple. There are no hard and fast rules for him to follow, it is up to his discretion. This is the way the Lord has set up his church, and that is how it will remain. It is the wisest method. If there were prescribed punishment for every sin, there would be no room for considering circumstances or for being led by the Spirit. In my opinion, worrying about what the possible repercussions will be is not the way to go about confession. We should have the attitude that regardless of the outcome, I need to be clean again, and confession is necessary - come what may. As ladybug71 said, "Let [the] bishop do his calling" Covad
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StrikeTheDemons
Full Member
(I know, it's a dumb avatar, but there isn't much to choose from)
Posts: 244
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Post by StrikeTheDemons on Jan 30, 2006 16:19:13 GMT -5
Bishop Question:
I recently spoke with my bishop about my problem. The last time I spoke with a bishop, it was the bishop previous to him, and I also had the temple recommend renewal problem. Unfotunately, I got pulled in with a counciler, and not the bishop, so with the last question, I told him I needed to speak with the bishop about something. That was akward, but I've never regretted speaking up. My bishop didn't renew my recommend, but I didn't lose my calling, or anything else. I ended up telling my wife everything, again.
I had 6 months of sobriety when I spoke with the new bishop and got a new temple recommend. I unfortunately binged about 2 days later. I told my wife about the slip, but not my bishop. Then I slipped again a few months later and didn't tell my wife or my bishop. Over the next 18 months, I held my dark secret and lied continuously about it. That was the darkest time of my life to date.
In December I spoke with my bishop and have been sober since. He took my recommend, I lost my callings, I can't take the sacrement, and worst of all, I probably won't be able to bless our son who will be born in 3 days. In addition, they may have a court at the Ward level. (Keep in mind I had voyeurism involved as well) I'd still do it all over again though, and I don't regret talking to my bishop or telling my wife. It sucks, but it also creates motivation to be good. I actually wish that my previous bishop had been tougher on me. I'm not blaming my problem on him, but I really think that I would have stuck to it had I had some of those stronger consequences the first time around. In the end, it's the bishop's call, and I'm sure they all do the best they can to help us.
I think my main motivation for not coming clean each time was because I was trying to keep it from my wife, not because I was afraid of the bishop or the ward. If you ask me, I think telling your wife is just as important as telling your bishop.
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Post by ready2change on Jan 30, 2006 16:56:19 GMT -5
Great comments thank you for the insight. I'm in that situation now actually. I am currently deployed, my son turned 8, I have a 3 month old son that will be blessed and my recommend will be expiring. I have my mid-tour coming up soon after all of this.
All of this will be very awkward during that time. If I remember right, I will need to have a current recommend in order to bless my son. I think the best thing to do is talk to my son and find out if he still wants me to baptize him or if he would like to wait until I come home for good. I just talked it over with my wife and she thinks it would probably be best to wait as well. Two weeks just wouldn't work as far as getting a recommend assuming they let me and everything else we need to do.
I'm not sure if any of this makes sense but I know it will all work regardless of the uncertainty of it. Thanks everyone for welcoming me to the boards, things are great and going to be ok.
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Lanfear
Full Member
Good will always conquer evil.
Posts: 139
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Post by Lanfear on Jan 30, 2006 18:21:50 GMT -5
(Keep in mind I had ism involved as well)
what? I'm sorry i don't understand ward court.. and what "ism" is... Anyone care to explain.
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Post by Covad on Jan 30, 2006 19:13:51 GMT -5
Lanfear:
You must have a word filter on because StriketheDemon's post says (Keep in mind I had "v o y e u r i s m" involved). Your word filter may even be able to pick that up so here is another way of typing it: v0yeurism.
Ward court is when the bishop and his counselors sit in judgment of a person who has committed a serious transgression. They have the power to disfellowship, put on probation or do nothing at all. They can excommunicate as well if the person is not a Melchizedek priesthood holder (then it goes to the Stake Presidency & high council). Again, these are for more serious transgressions, which in my experience rarely includes the use of P and MB, but in StriketheDemon's case he may have a court held since v0yeurism is considered more serious.
Hope the helps.
Covad
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