Post by william1000 on Oct 14, 2007 16:55:16 GMT -5
Hi all,
I'm not quite sure what I a going to say here.
I will try and explain why I am here now.
Anything I say here is just what I think.
I don't want to offend anyone with anything I right.
My opinion is always forming and changing. I am always ready to listen to others and change my mind. I definitely don't know the answers to everything.
So why I am here.
I have a problem with P and M. It takes up too much of time and my energy and my thoughts.
So when did it all start.
I guess it all started a long time ago when I was young.
I remember the first time I discovered M. It was such a shock with such shame at the time. I was very shy and lacked confidence in myself. I was very afraid to talk to girls I didn't think they would like me. It was all dreams to me. Thats probably why M became so ingrained in my life.
P came first in the form of literature, then Playboy sort of material, the more explicit material. Then came the internet. First it was just photos but with the internet speeding up it became movie clips.
It was like opening Pandora's box. It seems so hard to close it again.
So why do I want to stop.
1) Its been a secret I've kept all my life from my loved ones.
I have been skilled at that. But it eats away at me. You have the desire to stop but its a compulsion.
2) I am contributing to an industry that must have terrible longterm consequences on the people involved with it. Maybe when the start they think its okay but its something they have to live with for their lives. I assume they are very exploited. I know they are adults and making their own decisions but I'm sure if they had choice they would be doing something else. There must be so many people involved by now Its very sad.
3) It wastes so much of my time. It makes me tired and feel bad about myself. I would like to feel pure and clean again. Like alot of people say on this group I am normally a very good, kind and sharing person. Its like a Jekyll and Hyde personality. For me this is a private thing that I do in my own time but it has consequences, I would assume other people suffer for my few seconds of enjoyment. I can't imagine a life in the sex trade is much fun. I would like to be a good person 100% of the time.
You would never guess if you met me that I have such an interest in P and M. In that sense I am living a bit of a lie.
Thats not good for me
4) I don't want to be an addict. I don't want to be a slave to something that has control over me.
5) I have a wife and kids. They don't know about it. I don't want them to be ashamed of me which they probably would be if they knew what I did late at night. Eventually it would catch up with me. I wanted to stop it now before its too late. I have a great life and it would be terrible to screw it up.
Over the years I have justified it to myself in so many different ways. ie:
Its a private thing I am not harming anyone
I can stop it any time I want
Everyone does it
People who make P seem to enjoy it
I don't really believe that anymore.
I know women involved in this group find it hard to understand why their partner is addicted to P/M
Its really quite complex.
(This is not a justification of anything - just what I think)
Men are in general quite different to women when it come to all things sexual.
I think we think about sex all the time.
We are ready for sex all the time. I can never understand why we are made like this. I think alot of men would like to be more like women. Sex is not as important to them. They are certainly less interested in it as years go by in a marriage. I think I would like to be like that too. I think alot of men find their sex drive frustrating. They often turn to P and M to satisfy it but it only leads to more desire. You probably become like a drug addict for the high. My wife is not that interested in sex. I think she would like to me more interested. For me I would like to be less interested. I don't want it to be an important part of my life anymore. We are funny things humans. I don't know why we are made up the way we are. I don't know why men and women weren't made with the same interest in sex. Somewhere in the middle between the way we are now. It would be much easier for all.
So here I am today trying to change.
I think its a long road ahead. It will be a struggle. I hope with the help of this forum I will get encouragement for the journey. I want to get my life back. I want to rid myself of the selfishness of addiction. I hope I can do it. I want to. I feel its a changing point in my life. I guess all addicts feel like this but afterwards can't sustain the change. I hope I can. I have alot to live for. I want to live it.
I would welcome any words of encouragement, advice or even comment. Anything anyone writes can be misinterpreted. Some may not like some of the things I have written. I don't mean to. Somethings I said are generalities that don't hold for all people all the time. But for the rest this is my truth, tell me yours.
Kind Regards
William (a hopefully recovering P and M addict)
I'm not quite sure what I a going to say here.
I will try and explain why I am here now.
Anything I say here is just what I think.
I don't want to offend anyone with anything I right.
My opinion is always forming and changing. I am always ready to listen to others and change my mind. I definitely don't know the answers to everything.
So why I am here.
I have a problem with P and M. It takes up too much of time and my energy and my thoughts.
So when did it all start.
I guess it all started a long time ago when I was young.
I remember the first time I discovered M. It was such a shock with such shame at the time. I was very shy and lacked confidence in myself. I was very afraid to talk to girls I didn't think they would like me. It was all dreams to me. Thats probably why M became so ingrained in my life.
P came first in the form of literature, then Playboy sort of material, the more explicit material. Then came the internet. First it was just photos but with the internet speeding up it became movie clips.
It was like opening Pandora's box. It seems so hard to close it again.
So why do I want to stop.
1) Its been a secret I've kept all my life from my loved ones.
I have been skilled at that. But it eats away at me. You have the desire to stop but its a compulsion.
2) I am contributing to an industry that must have terrible longterm consequences on the people involved with it. Maybe when the start they think its okay but its something they have to live with for their lives. I assume they are very exploited. I know they are adults and making their own decisions but I'm sure if they had choice they would be doing something else. There must be so many people involved by now Its very sad.
3) It wastes so much of my time. It makes me tired and feel bad about myself. I would like to feel pure and clean again. Like alot of people say on this group I am normally a very good, kind and sharing person. Its like a Jekyll and Hyde personality. For me this is a private thing that I do in my own time but it has consequences, I would assume other people suffer for my few seconds of enjoyment. I can't imagine a life in the sex trade is much fun. I would like to be a good person 100% of the time.
You would never guess if you met me that I have such an interest in P and M. In that sense I am living a bit of a lie.
Thats not good for me
4) I don't want to be an addict. I don't want to be a slave to something that has control over me.
5) I have a wife and kids. They don't know about it. I don't want them to be ashamed of me which they probably would be if they knew what I did late at night. Eventually it would catch up with me. I wanted to stop it now before its too late. I have a great life and it would be terrible to screw it up.
Over the years I have justified it to myself in so many different ways. ie:
Its a private thing I am not harming anyone
I can stop it any time I want
Everyone does it
People who make P seem to enjoy it
I don't really believe that anymore.
I know women involved in this group find it hard to understand why their partner is addicted to P/M
Its really quite complex.
(This is not a justification of anything - just what I think)
Men are in general quite different to women when it come to all things sexual.
I think we think about sex all the time.
We are ready for sex all the time. I can never understand why we are made like this. I think alot of men would like to be more like women. Sex is not as important to them. They are certainly less interested in it as years go by in a marriage. I think I would like to be like that too. I think alot of men find their sex drive frustrating. They often turn to P and M to satisfy it but it only leads to more desire. You probably become like a drug addict for the high. My wife is not that interested in sex. I think she would like to me more interested. For me I would like to be less interested. I don't want it to be an important part of my life anymore. We are funny things humans. I don't know why we are made up the way we are. I don't know why men and women weren't made with the same interest in sex. Somewhere in the middle between the way we are now. It would be much easier for all.
So here I am today trying to change.
I think its a long road ahead. It will be a struggle. I hope with the help of this forum I will get encouragement for the journey. I want to get my life back. I want to rid myself of the selfishness of addiction. I hope I can do it. I want to. I feel its a changing point in my life. I guess all addicts feel like this but afterwards can't sustain the change. I hope I can. I have alot to live for. I want to live it.
I would welcome any words of encouragement, advice or even comment. Anything anyone writes can be misinterpreted. Some may not like some of the things I have written. I don't mean to. Somethings I said are generalities that don't hold for all people all the time. But for the rest this is my truth, tell me yours.
Kind Regards
William (a hopefully recovering P and M addict)