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Post by stepbystep on Jul 20, 2007 18:49:41 GMT -5
slipped again
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Post by stepbystep on Jul 21, 2007 9:19:21 GMT -5
On day 1!
Ok, I've accepted that I'm going to follow the twelve step method no matter what from now on so that I can get rid of my addiction.
I know I can do it and I have hope.
I've found that this addiction is not as easy to defeat. There are days when I'm extremely confident that I can make it but I've found now that even when I'm that confident, I could anytime fall prey to my temptations. I've promised myself so many times that I am never going to use P etc. But has never worked.
I can only admit that first, this addiction is no good and that I'm powerless over it.
sbs
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Post by stepbystep on Jul 24, 2007 16:23:04 GMT -5
Still here and sober
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Post by stepbystep on Jul 25, 2007 15:02:15 GMT -5
Temptations everywhere but still sober now. This board is great. Support is needed.
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Post by h3h8m3 on Jul 25, 2007 16:48:24 GMT -5
Stepbystep, I was just reading through your journal, thanks for sharing and being open and honest with us.
Have you considered installing a filter for your computer? it's clear that even right after you post here you're not immune to falling into pornography. Perhaps having an accountability software or just a filtering software installed would help?
Just a thought. Keep up the battle.
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Post by stepbystep on Jul 27, 2007 10:31:44 GMT -5
Thanks h3h8m3, I going to consider installing some filter or something
I came here to post this:
It's over, I slipped. But I usually slip twice right after I do once. It's because I feel really bad and to escape that reality. But then slipping again leads to feeling even more pain and guilt. I've had enough of guilt and so, i've got to do everything I can to not slip again at least for the next few days.
But I'm feeling down.
Thanks everyone though. Without your help I couldn't have even past through the last few days. All is not over. There is hope for me. All the effort put to stopping definitely pays off. The addict inside me wants to believe the other way around.
sbs
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Post by stepbystep on Jul 27, 2007 10:32:19 GMT -5
I lost the battle, but I am not willing to give up the war.
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Post by stepbystep on Jul 27, 2007 10:32:38 GMT -5
I'm going to give it everything I can.
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Post by stepbystep on Jul 27, 2007 16:59:19 GMT -5
slipped twice in a row like usual but should not let that worry me. I can do it!!!
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Post by stepbystep on Jul 28, 2007 21:46:37 GMT -5
slipped thrice yesterday.
On the bright side, today I felt in control. Thank God. On day 1! Learned quite a bit. Gotta learn from my slips and make sure I do better next time.
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Post by stepbystep on Jul 29, 2007 16:08:00 GMT -5
On day 2 sober!
Had a huge temptation so that's why I'm here and posting. I'm going away from the comp for the rest of the day to avoid doing anything wrong.
This is how the temptation went: I was thinking about acting out and I knew i was feeling what I feel before acting out. i know from experience exactly how i feel when about to act out. So, I knew it was coming. Quickly I started thinking about what would happen if I did this or that,etc.
i tried thinking about something pure and away from this immoral thoughts. After a bit it was gone but it came back with even more force. So, I went to a place away from the comp and told my mind: "Listen, if you do this immoral thing then it will destroy you, you will be broken, it's not right." After a bit it was gone and now I;'m here writing about it so that next time I'll know what to do.
I've got to follow a clear plan and I'm going to work on that now.
sbs
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Post by stepbystep on Jul 31, 2007 9:37:38 GMT -5
On day 4 sober!
Yesterday, I had some minor temptations which could have become easily highly strong temptations if i hadn't decided to stop the immoral thoughts immediately. Staying sober is not an easy thing because just when you think you can stop any temptation, you get overconfident and fall. I must keep always vigilant and keep my mind busy with healthy activities.
sbs
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Post by stepbystep on Aug 1, 2007 20:36:50 GMT -5
On day 5!
Had a minor temptations. So, first I convinced myself that doing is bad, immoral, and not healthy for me. Then, I logged in here and am posting. Now, going to read stuff to help me...
sbs
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Post by stepbystep on Aug 2, 2007 11:32:40 GMT -5
On day 0 again!!!!
This is what i posted to my accountability group:
Well, sorry to break it this way but I slipped. Just when I thought I was doing better. But it's ok because I must undestarnd that this is the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. I've to be watchful as you all already know my usually slipping more than once a day (can you believe that last time I slipped 3 times on the same day?).
What went wrong: I was doing all that I could but it was getting really uncomfortable trying to push the temptations away over and over. So, the only way I could make myself comfortable was to slip and so, after a while of fight, I just gave my inner consent that I can slip. This is what went wrong. Never ever should we give the inner consent that slipping is ok. After this even when the temptation was minor (meaning it was not extremely difficult to stay away), I slipped.
No matter what next time(which could be any time now), I must be watchful. Also, I must realize that pleasure is not the main motive for anything. Going for pleasure will not take me to joy.
Even after a million attempts, I will never give up. The only way to overcome my addiction is be slow, systematic, and understanding.
Thanks everyone for being here and now, im getting out (too vulnerable to be online), sbs
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Post by MrOuch on Aug 2, 2007 11:59:29 GMT -5
sbs,
I read through your journal and I see the pattern you describe of slipping every couple of days. A couple of questions for you:
What are you doing to fill the time between posting here? Are you seeing a counselor/pastor/accountability partner/SA group? I know you post here, but sometimes that's not enough. Sometimes you need to look another person in the eye and say "I have a problem with p*rn." That was a real difficult thing for me to do, but this confession forced me to begin my recovery.
You mention having temptations and then getting through them. How? Elaborate for us. Explain the process so that I can better understand what you do to keep the wolves at bay. Hoping they leave you alone may work for a time, but eventually they will circle in on you and devour you.
You've mentioned needing to have a clear sobriety plan. Have you made one? Could you post it here? There are many people here who present clear plans and work tirelessly at adhering to them. Search around and find some and adapt them for yourself.
I don't mean to sound badgering, I'm just trying to ask some tough questions that I think you need to hear.
Peace
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