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Post by stepbystep on Aug 2, 2007 17:55:06 GMT -5
I read through your journal and I see the pattern you describe of slipping every couple of days. A couple of questions for you: Thanks MrOuch for taking the time to read my journal and helping me further on my quest. I'm feeling down right now because I took the wrong decision of viewing P and mbing again (it's twice today). What are you doing to fill the time between posting here? During the times I'm not posting I try to read something uplifting (ex. a book of quotes that encourage self-esteem, religious text,etc). But you are right. I need some planned healthy activities to do. Are you seeing a counselor/pastor/accountability partner/SA group? I know you post here, but sometimes that's not enough. Sometimes you need to look another person in the eye and say "I have a problem with p*rn." That was a real difficult thing for me to do, but this confession forced me to begin my recovery. No, I'm not seeing anyone. I wish I could. I'm so embarrassed to talk to anyone about it. I don't want others to know about it. I'm ashamed. That's why I've not reached out anyone. This board has been the only type of confession I've ever done in terms of telling someone. Yes, you've hit the nail in the head. I need to confess because that's what will help me. But right now I'm not able to because of 2 things: (1) I'm embarrassed like i mentioned and (2) maybe I have a feeling that I can do it myself w/o telling anyone (I say maybe because I can't even trust what I'm thinking nowadays. I say one thing and do another. ) You mention having temptations and then getting through them. How? Elaborate for us. Explain the process so that I can better understand what you do to keep the wolves at bay. Hoping they leave you alone may work for a time, but eventually they will circle in on you and devour you. Ok, so as soon as a temptation pops up I immediately feel it. i know the feeling of lust for P. Once I feel it, I start pacing around (walking fast) and repeat God's name over and over. I keep tellng myself that this is wrong, I must be resolute and not give in. I continue this for a long time. Sometimes it gets really close and so, I go away and tell my mind that this will destroy me. This is it. I guess I need a better plan then??? You've mentioned needing to have a clear sobriety plan. Have you made one? Could you post it here? There are many people here who present clear plans and work tirelessly at adhering to them. Search around and find some and adapt them for yourself. Just said my plan above. Thanks for pointing out. I will bring up a clear plan and post tomorrow. I don't mean to sound badgering, I'm just trying to ask some tough questions that I think you need to hear. Peace Please post more in my journal. You are not at all badgering. I need more help than ever. Peace to you too. I;'m so sad i slipped for the second time , sbs sbs
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Post by stepbystep on Aug 3, 2007 16:16:53 GMT -5
Whew,..came to this board to find a horrible postings (barely looked before i closed it out). Glad Wes took care of it.
After that i felt the temptation and i went to some sports website to look at models but quit that too and came here. I know that was wrong but now i'm back on track.
So, I need to first say what I've learned: 1) Worrying about the past and the future is not the right way. If I'm taking care of this moment then I'm doing all I can to take care of my future. Be resolute and strong this moment and everything will be fine. 2) Recovery is a process. It doesn't start one day and get done another. It is a lifelong process and I must work to improve myself everyday. 3) Recovery is not only about fighting temptations and running away from urges. There need to be a fundamental change in the way I perceive things.
Answering the question "what am I escaping from" needs more thinking on my part. I think I'm escaping from the pain of certain parts of life. What role does addiction play for me? maybe I'm too alone or not social. I need to make more personal relationships.
sbs
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Post by stepbystep on Aug 4, 2007 10:45:02 GMT -5
slipped yesterday night but today on day 1!!!
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Post by speedway on Aug 4, 2007 11:12:28 GMT -5
Hi SBS
Sorry about your slip. You wrote yesterday that recovery is about more than avoiding and ovecoming the urges. This strikes home with me, and perhaps we all need to concentrate on what we are escaping from. I'm doing this as much as I can in my journal, not always comfortably but it feels right and helps recovery forward. Perhaps you need a policy of 'spilling the beans more' on the board or with a group or a therapist.
Anyway, this only advice; I know it's all easier said than done.
Take care
Speedway
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Post by MrOuch on Aug 5, 2007 21:43:43 GMT -5
SBS, I agree here. I know you're part of the secular circle, so I don't want to sound like I'm trying to convert you here. In fact, if you find my post offensive in any way, then by all means let me know and I will delete it immediately. I am a Christian but I am not trying to shove my dogma down your throat. That said, I would like to point out something that helped me. [trigger]Specifically Proverbs 28:13 "He who covers his sins will not prosper, But whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy. Break this down into the essence of the message. "He who covers his sin will not prosper." That was me. It took considerable time and effort to cover up my tracks and keep my secret life of P and MB from ever being exposed. It took so much of my time and effort to do this that I had little energy left to do anything else. My secret was hidden, but my life was in neutral. I wasn't prospering at home or socially. I had let several of my friendships wither because I just didn't have the energy. All night sessions, secret binges, etc. It sapped my motivation for things that used to matter to me. "But whoever confesses..." Confession doesn't necessarily have to occur in a religious context but it does take at least two people. The confessor needs to have someone hear the confession. It mandates that a live interaction must occur. This was extremely difficult for me to do. I went to a counselor. I met this person in their office and after 20 minutes of lying and bs I realized that I didn't really feel comfortable telling them anything. So, I didn't. It was wholly unfulfilling. I tried again. This time I went to a different counselor. I found this person much easier to talk to. This person had some practice experience in addictions and so I spilled the beans. It was excruciatingly difficult to do, but immensely freeing. I had talked about my problem with my wife, but that had been in the crucible of my D-day and the fallout thereafter. This was different. To actually sit there and tell someone that I watch P and MB was a surreal experience--an almost out of body experience type thing. Yet, I dit it, as difficult as it was. I also went to some SA meetings. I drove a bit here and there in order to get to them, but it was interesting to see and speak to other men who struggle with the same things that I struggle with. I told a friend of mine who put me up while my wife and I were separated. He asked. I didn't say why at first, but after a few days I talked. He was floored but incredibly supportive. He still asks me today how I'm doing, and I am glad to tell him that I'm doing ok. I also told my priest. He gave me loving acceptance and not judgment. So confession was difficult for me too, but in the end it was also critical in accepting what I had become. It galvanized me into wanting to change. "whoever...forsakes them will have mercy." Forsake means to turn from. It doesn't mean to be sorry for. It doesn't mean to abide in for a little while. It doesn't mean to sneak a peak at briefly. It means to turn and run in the other direction. To flee with all your might. Confession was the key here that helped me to forsake. I confessed to my counselor, my friend, my priest and my SA group. I knew that the next time I saw them, they would ask how I was doing with P and MB. So I struggled to stay clean so that the next time I saw them I could tell them I was clean. I forsook P and MB. "mercy" It's up to you to decide what it means in your life. For me, mercy has been granted on many fronts. I am truly grateful for it.[/trigger] I hope you can struggle on my friend and find the peace you seek. MrOuch
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Post by want2befree on Aug 5, 2007 22:58:50 GMT -5
Hey sbs...
How are you doing? I just went through your journal and wanted to say hi. Keep on keeping on.
Blessings...
want2befree
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Post by stepbystep on Aug 6, 2007 10:58:32 GMT -5
Thanks speedway, MrOuch, and want2befree for the support. After the last slip, I've been clean and learnt a lot. I shall my experiences.
speedway- Yes, recovery is I know definitely more than just avoiding slips. It's one thing to remain sober and abstain and it's another to recover fully. Recovery is a process that must be slowly and systematically practiced. Over the last few days, I've found what I've been escaping from (at least one of them). I've been escaping from doing what I need to do. Whenever I have a load of things to do for example and I don't feel like doing them, I turn to P to escape the reality. Usually, I return to find myself in a worse position than before. So, today when I saw that I was feeling lazy, I knew I would think about acting out even if I physically didn't do it. The best thing I knew I had to do was to do what needs to be done and that's what I did.
You're right I'll try to 'spill more beans' than I've done on this board. But in the end, like MrOuch has said, I need to confess to someone but I don't feel ready. What I'm not sure is that will I ever feel ready? i hope I do because I really, really don't want an addiction to be part of my life.
MrOuch - Thanks again for posting your thoughts. Everything you've posted for me is helping me. I hope you can post more I can learn more.
I am part of the secular circle but that doesn't mean I don't believe. I believe in God and do a lot to lead a religious life.
I want to tell someone. I really do but I don't want to tell the wrong person, who might not take it the way I want it. Im not close enough with anyone to trust them. Like I was saying I m feeling like I'm not ready. And another thought comes up in my mind is "In the end, I've got to get through myself." I know what you're probably going reply is that I need to take as much support as needed. This is true. I'm here for support. Please post more to let me know.
want2befree- hey, I'm doing fine. Hope you're ok. Yes, this time around I'm going to give it everything I have to remain sober. Thanks for the blessings b/c I'll all of it that I can get.
For me, the past few days have been enlightening I can say. First, I enjoyed company with a lot of friends. Together we talked, listened to music, and went out for eating. I also prayed a lot to give me the strength to go through recovery. I've promised myself that I would give anything up for my recovery and I've also come up with a plan.
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Post by MrOuch on Aug 6, 2007 15:09:06 GMT -5
Hey SBS, that's called forsaking. Way to go!!
As far as confession and telling someone, that was something that worked for me. I'm not saying it would work for everyone but it was critical for me. Finding the right person to confide in is of paramount importance. You don't want to go blabbing to any old person.
Glad you had a great weekend. Expound a little on your plan. Thanks.
MrOuch
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Post by stepbystep on Aug 7, 2007 10:53:19 GMT -5
On day 4!
Yesterday, I went out with friends. But in the conversations, I said something I would not have said usually and I'm afraid it might have hurt someone. It wasn't that bad but I'm usually very quiet and nice to people. Maybe it was my frustration over not getting my dose of P. I'm expecting withdrawal symptoms and I've got to be ready for it. After getting home and worrying over it, I felt bad. And you know I was thinking of acting out and taking me away from reality. But I convinced myself to sleep..
Today morning, I got up not knowing whether I slipped already. Must have had triggering dreams but I realized I hadn't yet slipped. These thoughts, however, led me to wanting to act out. I tried to follow certain parts of my plan but didn't use it all. So, I decided that I would act out and I opened my computer and couldn't connect to the internet. Oh, I was extremely glad within. I didn't want to do it because it was wrong. The Lord has helped me today. Then, I convinced myself that P was immoral, wrong, and not for me. It made me more optimistic and now, I going to give it everything I have to remain sober.
I got to admit I am feeling a bit uncomfortable but that's ok, being sober will feel more comfortable as I go on.
GOALS: 1) Be sober for a week (for 7 days) 2) Meditate everyday for 15 mins
THE PLAN:
I'm going to be in either 2 modes. 1) The first mode it the one I'll usually be in. It's the one I'll rely on when temptations don't get out of hand. Will include: - giving healthy direction and in general just stay away from thinking lustful thoughts - constructive thinking for the most part - daily routine (using a timetable so I know what I should be doing at the moment. This will remind me of not escaping from what must be done) - living moral life (leading life morally) - constant watchfulness of my thinking so that I don't slip
2) The second mode is for emergency situations. These must be ready whenever I need them. a) Think of a pure person (for example, picture God in myself). Then, think of nature (mountains, trees, rivers, etc) b) Tear myself away from situation and remind myself that "this will ruin me and my mind. The guilt, shame, an lack of life will result." c) Pray, pray, pray and don't give in. Never give the consent. d) As a last resort, go talk to someone about something. Stay away from computer. Do some other healthy activity.
Any suggestions from people would be suggested.
sbs
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Post by 1dayatatime on Aug 7, 2007 14:53:27 GMT -5
Any suggestions from people would be suggested. sbs OK, here are some suggestions: 1) Try using a personal record as a goal instead of a set day length such as 7 days. Keep ratcheting up your PR as you succeed. 2) Create a "safe place". A place, virtual or not, where you have eliminated both all trigger potentials and acting out resources. Go to that place when you are tempted. 3) Be proactive and seek "pearls" from others, especially those from this Board. Don't wait for them to come to offer help. Scour for what you can use. Don't reinvent the wheel. Use the hard earned wisdom of others to save you the price of that wisdom yourself. 4) Seek out others to help with their addictions. It is true that what goes around comes around. You can't out give G-d. By helping other addicts you can not but help yourself in the process. 5) Ask for help. I know you already did. But I am saying that this addiction is really tough! Don't fight it alone when you don't have to. Don't let thoughts about being a burden hinder you from asking. You are worthy of help just like anyone else. I have seen the slips you have had in the 100 days threads. Don't dwell on those. They are in the past. I know that you can succeed. I know that you can do it. Now start walking the walk. Don't let us down. We need you to succeed.
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Post by h3h8m3 on Aug 7, 2007 15:11:06 GMT -5
Stepbystep-
I know that confessing to someone else is the scariest part of the process. You made the comment that you didn't want to yet. And asked if you'll ever want to. I can tell you with almost 100% certainty that you will never WANT to tell someone about your addiction to pornography. It's humiliating. It can break us. And that's where we need to truly be healing.
It's sort like making that incision to get in there and remove the cancer. That first cut is going to hurt like the dickens. But until you make it you cannot get that cancer out of your body. And make no mistake, just like cancer, pornography is going to lead to your death. If not bodily death, then spiritual and relational.
Saying a prayer for you.
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Post by stepbystep on Aug 7, 2007 16:41:32 GMT -5
Thanks both 1dayatatime and h3h8m3, but i should have come to this board before I slipped twice today. It seems like I'm doomed.
1dayatatime - i'll seriously take your advice into my plan. I'm not going to ever give up. Never. Well, here I go to report my slip to 100 days board. And yes, I'll do a lot more to help others around here. It's only going to help me. Thank you very much. I appreciate it.
h3h8m3 - Confessing is SO SCARY. It's the most difficult thing for me to do EVER. All people think how good hearted I am and if I mention that I'm using P, GONE. Everything's gone. That makes me feel like a liar and hypocrite. The only thing I can say is that "I don't know what to do." But what you said is in my mind.
Right now, tears are in my eyes. I'm crying.
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Post by stepbystep on Aug 7, 2007 16:43:55 GMT -5
I used to be able to get around 12 days without slipping earlier this year. But now, I can't even pass 5 days. Am i improving?
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Post by stepbystep on Aug 7, 2007 16:54:02 GMT -5
GOAL changed to : 12 days.
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Post by stepbystep on Aug 7, 2007 18:21:35 GMT -5
Third slip today. I mb 3 times today ... I can't stop it.
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