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Post by stepbystep on Aug 8, 2007 10:08:33 GMT -5
I've just realized how selfish I was until yesterday after my slips. I am going to make it a habit to help someone and do something good for someone every day from now on.
Also, until now, I think my motivation has come from my previous slip failure. As the days go on and on, this motivation subsides until the day I slip. So, this time my motivation will fully be that I want to live a healthy, pure, happy, and peaceful life. I'm fully committed and no matter what I'll give it everything i have. Pray, pray, pray and I can do it. It is POSSIBLE.
sbs
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Post by stepbystep on Aug 8, 2007 10:13:56 GMT -5
GOALS: 1) Be sober for 12 day (my highest ever this year) 2) Meditate everyday for 15 mins
THE PLAN:
I'm going to be in either 2 modes. 1) The first mode it the one I'll usually be in. It's the one I'll rely on when temptations don't get out of hand. Will include: - giving healthy direction and in general just stay away from thinking lustful thoughts - constructive thinking for the most part - daily routine (using a timetable so I know what I should be doing at the moment. This will remind me of not escaping from what must be done) - living moral life (leading life morally) - constant watchfulness of my thinking so that I don't slip - help someone with recovery everyday - do something good someone everyday
2) The second mode is for emergency situations. These must be ready whenever I need them. a) Go to a place where there is no temptations (outside perhaps) think of a pure person (for example, picture God in myself). Then, think of nature (mountains, trees, rivers, etc) b) If that doesn't work, just get up, don't think, and start walking outside and don't come back until it's gone. Don't try to decide whether it's right or wrong because I've already committed myself. c) Tear myself away from situation and remind myself that "this will ruin me and my mind. The guilt, shame, an lack of life will result." d) Pray, pray, pray and don't give in. Never give the consent. e) As a last resort, go talk to someone about something. Stay away from computer. Do some other healthy activity (play a game).
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Post by stepbystep on Aug 9, 2007 9:48:41 GMT -5
On day 2!
Yesterday was a good day overall except for the sleep. I was getting up at random times fighting P images in my head. But I didn't give up because I wanted to have a healthy, happy, and pure life. This is my motivation from now on. My motivation doesn't not come from my previous failure used to before. With this motivation in mind, I'm committed.
Today morning (including now), I got up with a minor headache. It could be a withdrawal symptom already on day 2. Although I have thought of acting out, I never did because I know pain is part of any happy life.
THE REVISED PLAN:
I'm going to be in either 2 modes. 1) The first mode it the one I'll usually be in. It's the one I'll rely on when temptations don't get out of hand. Will include: - giving healthy direction and in general just stay away from thinking lustful thoughts - constructive thinking for the most part - daily routine (using a timetable so I know what I should be doing at the moment. This will remind me of not escaping from what must be done) - living moral life (leading life morally) - constant watchfulness of my thinking so that I don't slip - help someone with recovery everyday - do something good someone everyday
2) The second mode is for emergency situations. These must be ready whenever I need them. a) Think contrary thoughts like of a pure person (for example, picture God in myself). Then, think of nature (mountains, trees, rivers, etc) b) If that doesn't work, Go to a place where there is no temptations (outside perhaps). Just get up, don't think, and start walking outside and don't come back until it's gone. Don't try to decide whether it's right or wrong because I've already committed myself. d) Pray, pray, pray and don't give in. Never give the consent. e) As a last resort, go talk to someone about something. Stay away from computer. Do some other healthy activity (play a game).
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Post by stepbystep on Aug 9, 2007 13:27:17 GMT -5
Huge temptation came over me like this: I was exploring certain websites and I came across a girl fully clothed (so there was no reason at all to trigger). But there it was, my mind was wanting P and was thinking about acting out. I knew it and went outside for a bit to stay away and remind myself that I want to live a happy, pure, and healthy life. My motivation is not coming from my previous failure but rather from wanting to live healthy. Then, I came here to post and I found 1dayatatime's post about P being like weeds in a lawn. You have to pick them out or else nothing good can grow. Think positive, positive, positive. Only for this moment I can take care. Now, going to pray for 10 mins and continue.
sbs
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Post by stepbystep on Aug 11, 2007 10:57:26 GMT -5
Today was good. Except gotta report some things: I was surfing the web when an ad popped up. There were two images (not P images but triggering for me). I fixated my eyes on them for a few seconds automatically almost without thinking. But I knew better and closed the pop up ad immediately. These stupid ads. Anyway, I think I did the best I could.
It is possible. Just for today I can remain sober.
sbs
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Post by stepbystep on Aug 12, 2007 8:04:26 GMT -5
Slipped but it was on the spot and not preplanned. I Mbed in bed before sleeping and so there was no P. Progression is the key. Must keep going.
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Post by Valjean on Aug 12, 2007 8:14:42 GMT -5
Hi stepbystep, I'm sorry to hear that you slipped. Still today is another day, new challenges and new horizons. Progress not perfection. If we aim for too much we will never succeed. We mustn't expect too much of ourselves. I don't know about you but I expect perfection and end up feeling inadequate. I procrastinate far too much, scared to begin a task.
MB in bed is hard, it's not as simple as just turning off the computer, and it's not as simple as just leaving the house either. I find meditation in bed useful for when I'm feeling tempted. Connect with God, ask for his help in getting to sleep unscathed.
I looked over your plan, and it's very good. I like the two modes; recovery from this addiction requires both abstinence and a change in our lives to erradicate both behaviors, and you've planned for both. You might want to think about adding something about the nights in bed if it continues to be a problem for you.
Best wishes,
Valjean
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Post by stepbystep on Aug 12, 2007 13:53:22 GMT -5
Thanks Valjean for the support. I need all that I can get. You're right about progression being the key, not perfection. I need to go on with life putting efforts and making progress in a healthy direction. We can do it today!!!
For so long, perfectionism has been part of me. I used to try to not slip and forever try to quit P. If I fall along the way, I slip a couple of more times in a binge. Binging occurs because a person is following the 'all or nothing' principle, which is very common in perfectionism.
Yes, I am going to add a form of meditation as I go to bed so I avoid this type of slip. The truth is I've been doing something like this before bed but it needs more effort on my part, I think.
THE REVISED PLAN:
I'm going to be in either 2 modes. 1) The first mode it the one I'll usually be in. It's the one I'll rely on when temptations don't get out of hand. Will include: - giving healthy direction and in general just stay away from thinking lustful thoughts - constructive thinking for the most part - daily routine (using a timetable so I know what I should be doing at the moment. This will remind me of not escaping from what must be done) - living moral life (leading life morally) - constant watchfulness of my thinking so that I don't slip - help someone with recovery everyday - do something good someone everyday - while going to bed, picture the Lord in my mind and keep thinking in this way
2) The second mode is for emergency situations. These must be ready whenever I need them. a) Think contrary thoughts like of a pure person (for example, picture God in myself). Then, think of nature (mountains, trees, rivers, etc) b) If that doesn't work, Go to a place where there is no temptations (outside perhaps). Just get up, don't think, and start walking outside and don't come back until it's gone. Don't try to decide whether it's right or wrong because I've already committed myself. d) Pray, pray, pray and don't give in. Never give the consent. e) As a last resort, go talk to someone about something. Stay away from computer. Do some other healthy activity (play a game).
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Post by stepbystep on Aug 12, 2007 14:04:28 GMT -5
For so long until recently (in the past week only), I've been honestly posting my slips. But now, I don't believe they were slips. They were relapses. Throughout this whole year, what I called my slips were relapses. Why?? Simply because I would watch P and Mb for about 2-3 times a day. This is not a slip. Now I realize.
But my recent slip (yesterday) about mbing without P in my bed was a slip. I was sincerely working towards my recovery and there weren't too many unhealthy thoughts preceding slip. It was not preplanned. It was an on-the-spot slip.
Here is how it went: I was finishing up my recovery work for the day and heading to bed. I was in bed perhaps more than half an hour definitely, not being able to sleep properly and just random thoughts popping up. I tried to avoid but it just kept coming. Then, thoughts about lust. I hadn't given up but I wasn't already using my hands. Before I knew it I had given up not trying to fantasize. I was think about P and I had Mbed. I did one thing that was definitely wrong. I had given my consent to allow P thoughts to penetrate. For most of the time, I didn't think P but I wanted it and gave my consent to fantasize. This led to the Mb.
What am I going to do for next time? Like Valjean suggested, I'm going to try to meditate and connect to the Lord. This will give me strength. I can be watchful next time.
sbs
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Post by stepbystep on Aug 13, 2007 7:47:08 GMT -5
Knew it. slipped again yesterday (this time with P and Mb). I'm determined not to do it again today. I dont want the binge. I can do it!!!!!!!
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 13, 2007 7:57:54 GMT -5
Your honesty is a key to recovery. I was slipping a LOT since I started recovery. I'm on 9 days right now and that is my record! For a while it was quite often. Just keep on fighting! Remember it's never an accident, it never is. It's a slip, but it's done by a choice. Because I'm so willing to slip, I have to have a pre-emptive defense plan that goes directly against that. Remember, self-awareness is key. All I know is that I can't operate on "auto-pilot" at all anymore, because of a 17 year long habit. My hands will be down there in a second without me thinking out of habit.
Hope you figure out what made you slip, and how to prevent it next time!!!
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Post by stepbystep on Aug 13, 2007 9:08:12 GMT -5
Thanks cease4peace. Yes, slips happen by choice and choice only. I need to be self-aware of everything I do and make sure that I do the right thing.
Just finished up crying because I slipped yesterday. Just a bunch of emotions I had to let out.
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 13, 2007 9:15:46 GMT -5
Reading your journal seeing you've got a lot of plans in action. Hope you don't beat yourself up.. too much. Remember, you can do this! Just gotta keep changing the plan until it works. But make sure you're really working the plan. Sometimes I dont feel like working the plan, and if I dont, it increases my chances of slipping. I think that's the deal here. THere are certain things that happen in our day that can increase our chances of slipping. With that in mind, I try to keep the chances at a minimum. If I screw up, I have to figure out what I did wrong to cause it. I was "stuck" in a rut where I was slipping once every other day or so for a few weeks and it was VERY discouraging. But after realizing that it is a choice, and that I wasn't really working my plan, that I was mishandling my emotions, and that my eyes and mind were wandering MUCH more then they should, I started doing a lot better. I'm rooting for you. I know you can do this!! Thanks for getting back and up and moving forward
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Post by stepbystep on Aug 13, 2007 9:42:02 GMT -5
Thanks cease4peace, it is times like this that I really need support. Right now, I feel powerless and don't know what to do. I am sitting thinking what I need to do because I don't know. Seems so tough because although I do have plans, I don't always follow them. I find that when I do follow the plan sincerely, I always do ok and get through. But there are times when I don't follow the plan like yesterday, and this is when I lose.
I'm going to make a thread about this and see what responses I can get.
thanks again cease4peace and take care, sbs
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Post by stepbystep on Aug 13, 2007 13:36:35 GMT -5
I Relapsed. Yes, it was a relapse and not a slip. It can't be a slip because it wasn't an accidental thing. I did it knowingly both P and Mb.
All these days, I don't think I've recovering. I was merely trying to stay away from the P but that's not enough. I see that throughout this year, progressively, my addiction is getting worse and worse and worse. I started earlier this year to be able to stay away for almost 2 weeks consistently. Falling but getting back and again falling. This cycle, however, was becoming smaller and smaller so that now I can't even get past 5 days. I relapse almost every 5 days.
But I know now it is time to stop. No if and buts. Just time to stop. Although I may slip, I don't want to relapse. I must not knowing go after P and Mb. It's just wrong and not healthy for me.
I want a healthy, happy, pure, and peaceful life. If I want these, I must work hard every day to remain sober and work hard every day doing recovery work. Three things like John says to every newbie: Hard work, Rigorous honesty, and Support from others.
I know it's possible. I can only do it if I really, really want it and I know I do now. I want to be free.
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