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Post by stepbystep on Jun 30, 2007 15:06:18 GMT -5
Just wanted to make I was being honest with myself. I've slipped twice more since the last time I posted. I know I've definitely realized something: These temptations will never go away. Of course,, they may get weaker. And the more I engage in looking at P, the more I get pulled into it and the addict's hold within me will get stronger. I must stop this from happening and realize that I'm doing my best to get this out of my life. I must because there is no other way to live a healthy, happy, and peaceful life. I going to again try my very best. Doing everything I can to be sober is what I'm going to attempt. I acknowledge that I will very likely have slips but that wont stop my resolve for stopping this horrible part of my life. I hope and truly wish of course that I dont relapse on the way. I will do everything I can.
sbs
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abetterfuture
Full Member
Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Jun 30, 2007 15:29:25 GMT -5
Just wanted to encourage you to keep posting here even after you slip as you appear to have been doing. Nobody is perfect and sometimes you might slip. But what is more important is that you learn from the slip and learn how to better prevent it next time. Think about what triggered it and how the event unfolded. Keep on moving forward - good luck!
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Post by stepbystep on Jul 1, 2007 10:42:26 GMT -5
Thanks, abetterfuture, for giving me support. I need every bit of it. Before I keep going, I want to congratulate you on your 2 week mark and I wish you the best to continue.
About what triggered it and how events unfolded: I don't know exactly. I'm recalling the events but exactly what started it is not coming to me. I think it was something like I wanted to see...and I led myself to it. After I had already into, there was no coming out. The addiction had caught hold of me at that point.
So, my lesson for next time? I can't let my mind loose like that. As soon as I realize, I got to start doing something that will take me away from the thoughts. I am going to throw myself into walking fast. I can then start doing something else I enjoy. Perhaps I can sing in front of someone or by myself.
Thanks again abetterfuture for helping me think in the right direction.
sbs
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Post by stepbystep on Jul 1, 2007 10:53:17 GMT -5
On day 1!! I can do it!!
So, yesterday was the day when I slipped. And I did quite a bit (went on a binge). I slipped 3 times and now that I think about it that is just ridiculous. I can't let such things happen because I want to live a healthy, happy, and peaceful life. Well, today is July 1th. Something special? 1st day of the month and mid-way mark of the year. Seems lucky to me. I am going to try my very best (I know I've said this quite a bit but this is how I can keep going). I'm going to try everything I can because that's the only way.
Learnt:
Four common unhealthy patterns
2) -similar to first except return few weeks/months later
- majority will not be able to break patterns although some might
3) - works thru lessons w/sincerity and passon
-occasionally takes break to deal with life but never loses initial commitment
-will go extra mile to learn every lesson
-initial enthusiam into developing confidence
-realize workshop is not changin them but their actions and decisions
-some stop workshop but most recovery in this catagory
So, the trick is to keep a strong commitment forever and to have the desire to get rid of addiction. Today I'm going to get these ideas in my head. I perhaps didn't have the full desire or full commitment in my previous attempt.
sbs
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Post by stepbystep on Jul 2, 2007 10:38:03 GMT -5
On day 2!
I've had lots of emotions/thoughts in the past day. First of all, before I forget, having read one of the threads here, I realize that the recovery process takes years (yes,,, years!!!!). It's not something that once you go say 6 months sober that you can say you're recovered. It is a process and this should be taken one day at a time. It's hard to think about beating the addiction forever but it's much easier to beat it one day, only today. This also helps me forgive myself for slips here and there.
I got over the temptations yesterday by reminding myself that I have the intense desire to end this (I dont want the pain, I want happy, healthy life) and that I am fully committed. I am on my way to creating a values list and reading it every time I have an urge/decision to act out.
Learnt:
Four common unhealthy patterns
4) Most people fall here:
- ex. completed w/sincerity but move on w/o applying/thinkin about what learnt
- rarely go "extra mile"
- not applying what learnt
- it is not insincerity that causes such behavior but rather maybe laziness, boredom, etc
- spend time looking for proof of whether workshop works, etc
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Post by stepbystep on Jul 3, 2007 17:09:15 GMT -5
On day 3!
Didn't have many temptations yet. But did have lots of thoughts. Doing ok!!
sbs
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Post by stepbystep on Jul 5, 2007 21:08:41 GMT -5
I've been mindful over what I've been doing for at least the past few days. Just now, I had a strong temptation but I knew I had to get over it. That's the only way. Gotta only get through today!
sbs
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Post by stepbystep on Jul 6, 2007 10:31:59 GMT -5
On day 6!
I can do it. I know I can. I just again had a temptation but I decided I would come to this forum and choose not do the wrong. I must take it day by day. Just looking to get through today and today only. I have the intense desire to get rid of this addiction and therefore, Im fully committed because I want to have a healthy, happy, and peaceful life.
sbs
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Post by stepbystep on Jul 6, 2007 18:45:43 GMT -5
Ok, I am being honest. I just had a close call few hours ago. I was feeling like I wanted to browse around the web because I was a bit bored (I guess). So, I convinced myself that going to google news wouldn't be bad. This lead to cnn news and then a link to sports illus. Here I saw a picture of a model in the corner. I really wanted to continue but by clicking the link but I stopped myself and pulled myself out.
I would say that the fact I read or saw this on the website wasn't the problem. The problem was that the fact that I was connecting with my addiction and feeling lust. Fortunately, I was in the right mindset and my environment was fairly friendly, helping me from going any further.
This teaches me some things:
1) I really, really want this addiction out of me now even though my mind wants the opposite. I've got to be committed fully.
2) I've got to fight forever. The good news is that I got to do it day-by-day and step-by-step. I must get through each day not worrying about the future and accepting the past.
3) I've got to work hard and maybe harder even.
sbs
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Post by stepbystep on Jul 6, 2007 20:43:23 GMT -5
Another temptation just now. I got to get over it. Just today.
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Post by stepbystep on Jul 7, 2007 19:59:28 GMT -5
Was extremely tempted throughout the whole day. But I've got to at least make it through today. Just today.
It's so hard sometimes. I know that I really don't want to do what my inner addict tells me. But it's just constantly tempts. As the temptations come, it's almost as if a fear builds in within me that I might easily succumb. This makes it even harder to overcome the urge. Then even more temptations follow including excuses for why I should act out.
I tried real hard. I'm struggling still right now. But the climax of the temptation is gone (seems to be subsiding). As soon as I realized I wouldn't be able to fight it out just thinking, I just forced myself to take a run outside. It went away after that. Then, it came back. Again, I threw myself into some other activity.
Now, I'm kind of feeling better. I've got to continue because this is the only and right thing to do.
sbs
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Post by stepbystep on Jul 8, 2007 13:17:06 GMT -5
On day 8!
Still I have feelings that are tempting me. Seems like I want it badly and real bad. But I must do the right thing just for today because I want to live a happy life. Life is going to be tough but it's going to be even tougher if I give up. I must not give up my resolve. I really desire to get rid of the addiction and Im fully committed.
sbs
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Post by stepbystep on Jul 8, 2007 17:26:33 GMT -5
Not on day 8 anymore...  ... but what else can I do but get back up. Just had hope this afternoon that I was doing well. But I slipped just now. I'll give it another try and see again what I can do. |
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Post by stepbystep on Jul 9, 2007 8:42:31 GMT -5
Got myself together. I just need to learn that I can't be perfect. Avoid perfectionism. If I slip, it should never lead me to a full relapse. I definitely fell into that yesterday.
I need to be understanding that I'm trying to undo years of sexual behavior. I need to be gentle and understanding.
Recovery should not turn off and on for me. I am in for good.
Concentrate on just today. I can do so many thing today to avoid acting out. So, many more things that can be much more rewarding.
Think of healthy activities that can replace this addiction: Crosswords,...
sbs
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Post by stepbystep on Jul 10, 2007 19:55:13 GMT -5
On day 1!
Well, yesterday night I slipped. Had to acknowledge this before I continue because I need to be honest.
I learned a couple of things today:
1) I must acknowledge that I am powerless over lust, and that my life has become unmanageable. This is the first step in the 12 step program. I've decided that I should take up this program seriously and try my very, very best to follow it.
2) Yes, I am powerless over lust, but I'm not powerless of my actions. I do have the power to do and that I must do is necessary. I must try my very best. If I do fall or slip in the way, I should not punish myself like I've done before. I must just stand right back up and continue to do my best. Must continue to follow my values.
Well, today is my start date for committing myself to recovery as I take the first step by accepting my powerlessness. I need all the help I can get because that is the only way.
START DATE: 07/10/07
sbs
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