Focused on Recovery

[sawyer]

I am glad you struggle with the same things I do.

In the past week I have been not so subtly told by people I respect to stop looking up at my recovery. I look at the elephant, crap my pants, and want to give up.

Always one day at a time.

Out of curiosity, what are you doing to "structure" your free time at home one the weekends? Anything?

[Focused]

Been keeping it between the ditches lately and have been super-busy. Staying focused, although I still need to work on prioritizing. Only have a few minutes but wanted to check in and say how glad I am to be free of P since I'm staying positive and getting lots done.

Hey Sawyer- will post answer to your question in acct circle since I only have a few minutes.

[Focused]

things going well overall.... a few small urges today to escape my work in the office but I've stayed on track so far. Got a surf in this morning at first-light and played with my kids and wife for a while on the beach... great way to start the day- trying to keep some balance between work and play and trying to get some exercise. I feel like my dominant habits are now very positive and are overwhelming the occasional urges to look for an escape to whatever I'm doing that is stressful. Felt very tired at one point while working and instead of going to something mindless on the computer I meditated for 40 min or so and was ready to roll. Small changes to how I live and work have made success possible.

[gregg70]

What kind of meditation do you use?

[Focused]

I've used several kinds of meditation but the one I've used lately has been a Buddhist form called zazen - here is a link if interested and you don't already know about it: www.mro.org/zmm/teachings/meditation.php
I have also used form reciting a mantra over and over for 20 min or so at a time which can also be very powerful... I learned this technique as a teenager and was surprised to see that it really did work to help me on many levels.... I still use this from time to time, especially when my mind is racing more so than usual. I haven't been sitting anywhere near as much as I would like (the normal issues of kids/work/wife/life being more of a priority right now :-)) and one of my goals is to get back to having some regular quiet time- it really does make a difference for me.

I'm doing some work on the computer tonight and started feeling like escaping from what I was doing so am checking in instead of wandering someplace I don't need to be. Have a good one!

[Focused]

Checking in while working at home- just wanted to remind myself to stay on track. All else is going well, just doesn't seem like enough hours in the day... still need to do a better job of prioritizing.... will take a minute to get a list together and do just that now.

[Focused]

I did not stay on track after my last post and had a crappy day of not staying focused and wandering the internet to escape- I did get some good work done that night, partly due to frustration of having not gotten much done in the day.... need to get back to working on procrastination issues and need to finish the book the library wanted back b/c it had taken me so long to read. Getting some stuff done at office today Sat and need to keep it that way.

[Focused]

It's late and the Pogues are softly blowing a penny-whistle through my speakers and life is good for the moment.

This last week has been a struggle with staying on track with work and away from P. I feel like I've turned into one of those guys I've gotten so frustrated at watching slip after doing well.

[trigger]I decided to learn how to dowload music off of p2p sites for a work project and saw a whole other source of temptations. I was only looking for music but the program had all kinds of suggestive stuff and curiosity got the best of me and [/trigger]I checked out a couple fairly innocent clips but nothing I need to be messing with since it is still an escape...... words to the current song "some of them fell into heaven, some of the fell into hell...." it seems appropriate enough.... here's the rest of it:

The Pogues,
A Rainy Night In Soho

I've been loving you a long time
Down all the years, down all the days
And I've cried for all your troubles
Smiled at your funny little ways
We watched our friends grow up together
And we saw them as they fell
Some of them fell into Heaven
Some of them fell into Hell

I took shelter from a shower
And I stepped into your arms
On a rainy night in Soho
The wind was whistling all its charms
I sang you all my sorrows
You told me all your joys
Whatever happened to that old song
To all those little girls and boys

Now the song is nearly over
We may never find out what it means
But there's a light I hold before me
And you're the measure of my dreams
The measure of my dreams

Sometimes I wake up in the morning
The gingerlady by my bed
Covered in a cloak of silence
I hear you talking in my head
I'm not singing for the future
I'm not dreaming of the past
I'm not talking of the first time
I never think about the last

Now the song is nearly over
We may never find out what it means
Still there's a light I hold before me
You're the measure of my dreams
The measure of my dreams
----------------------------------------------

To me a reminder of how wonderful my wife is and how lucky I am. We're doing OK right now- we got frustrated at each other today over a stressful little trip life threw in and used a bit of teamwork to get through it and talk through the frustration.... and most importantly thank each other for our strengths and for being here.

That's where I am. It is Thanksgiving and I'm really looking forward to spending a few days with my family and away from work.

The song will be over all too soon.... how can we all make the most of it?

[Focused]

Things have been going much better than a couple weeks ago. Partly due to being non-stop the last week and not time to really even think of getting distracted with P... of course today, having finally found the time to check in I've had a few fleeting thoughts of escaping for a bit and also looked at some surfing stuff with my son and for a while after he and my wife left a little while ago. Overall doing a better job at staying on track and had a great weekend spending time with the kids and now have to buckle down for a few hours to get organized for the week.

Of course it probably isn't the healthiest way to avoid getting into trouble in the long-run but I've found that when I'm really busy with things during and after work and make plans on the weekend that I'm rarely tempted.... wasn't my strategy but if you're really struggling it may help to plan things to do instead of leaving free time when you would normally fall into trouble.

[sawyer]

With staying busy, do you just eventually drive yourself int he ground and get tired. Or does it really seem to help? Or is it just a stop gap?

I ask because you have mentioned this more than once, and I truly am curious.

Keep at it my friend. I am proud of you.

Sawyer.

[Focused]

Thanks for checking in Sawyer- you asked

"With staying busy, do you just eventually drive yourself int he ground and get tired. Or does it really seem to help? Or is it just a stop gap?"

The answer is that I'm not sure. I know for me, making a plan as to what I've got to do and sticking to it seems to help, as well as getting enough excercise instead of sitting around. When I mentioned staying busy I didn't mean so much busy to be busy (i.e. filling your time with frivolous stuff) but keeping a good healthy balance of getting work stuff done, exercising and doing things for others (i.e. volunteering, spending time with family etc). I know for me, when I've got a lot going on I don't even think about P, but when I end up by myself with extra time to surf the net is when I get into trouble.... maybe I should have worded it that staying busy with positive things and being careful how we spend our "free" time so as not to put yourself into a tempting position instead of going out and doing something positive.

I say "I don't know" since I'm not anywhere near where I want to be with having a plan that has worked to completely stay away from P. Had a slip last weekend and wasted hours surfing the net and trying to figure interesting ways to get around my filter. In retrospect it seems really weird that I would waste that much time when I could have just gotten up turned on another computer to find whatever I was looking for. I think it is more of a way to procrastinate and not think about the gazillions of things I had to do when in the office last Sat.....

So what am I doing differently from last week?... I wrote up a reminder for myself that all I have to do is click on. A quote that has been a good reminder to me about how short life is and not to squander our time, a reminder to close my eyes and meditate for a while to get centered when I start feeling the urge to escape etc. Another Sat in the office and I have stayed on track today. I'm open to ideas I may be missing that would help.

After falling back into old habits last week it really made me look at how serious I am with completely ridding myself of P.... after some serious thought I realized I've always been very serious about getting away from it but am a world-class rationalizer at times when I'm wanting to escape; it is in these moments I'm trying to make progress....one day at a time.

[gimmeshelter]

Focused,
You'll get back on track. Your name is perfectly suited to you now, because you will need to focus like a laser. These "bumps" are the most treacherous, because they can quickly turn into landslides. Don't just try to outpace the P with work, but think about why you tried to beat that filter. What were you thinking about? I think it was more than boredom, I have played that game more than a few times. For me it's like a puzzle. If I can solve it well then maybe I can have a little peek, that's all. P is not a reward though, that's the lie. If you need more talk PM me.

[Focused]

Hey Gimme-
Glad to see you back in action- yes I think you're right- Focused is appropriate for me now and was why I chose it in the first place- staying on track has always been my biggest problem (maybe some form of ADHD... ).

Things have gone well over this past Christmas week but I expected them to since there was so much going on. In the office today and have found quite a few ways to avoid work- although P not being one of them and I'm checking in to get back on track.

Happy New Year all