Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on Aug 2, 2007 22:40:30 GMT -5
It is getting late and I need to get some sleep but wanted to check in, thank everyone for checking in with me and work on my honesty a bit. Writing in our accountability circle made me not gloss over a slip I had on Friday which I didn't bother mentioning in my journal- I'll paste it in since it is important to see that I'm not as solid on my recovery plan as I'd like to be.... but I'm a heck of a lot farther along than I was a few months ago..... From my other post: ------------------------ Some ups and downs for me. I realized after reading Breakfree's post that I danced around some issues in my journal and didn't come out and say what really happened on Fri. I tried to work from home and was not very successful- I think I was looking for ways to avoid work and went in to re-initialize my password for my filter (there was a legitimate reason) but I used this as an excuse to "test" my new settings out and I let myself fall into the "excitement of searching trap". I found out that my filter works REALLY well but after wasting over an hour I found some nudity on a site and MBed for a few minutes before coming to my senses (no pun intended).... I realized that it was more than just procrastination, that there was the old drive for P that caused or, at least, fed it after my urge to escape work started me down the wrong road. -----------------------
Tonight is a good example of progress. My wife was too tired for any love'n and I came into our little office/comuter room to read and check in here. In the past, I'd be on a P site right now and I don't really have any urges at the moment. So, it is nice to see that the struggle, although still very real is no as bad. So to all of you reading this who may be wondering if you can do it... it really does (at least for me) get easier over time. It has been over 3 months since I've had a bad binge on P as I used to have weekly.... of course I've had some fairly minor slips which are frustrating, but when I look at the big picture it is pretty cool. Keep in mind, I spent many years trying to get away from this stuff so don't get discouraged, just figure out YOUR way to make it work.
Gimmeshelter- thanks for the at-a-boy.... I don't always feel like I deserve it but will take it and add a bit more positive energy to my reserves. I'm looking forward to you posting more consistently so we know what is up or how we may be able to help.
I'll put the focus on my work issues over the next couple weeks and see what I can improve there- I'm figuring there is plenty of room for improvement so hopefully will see a few little steps.
Pura Vida
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Post by gimmeshelter on Aug 4, 2007 10:15:12 GMT -5
Hey Focused, thanks for dropping by my neighborhood. Don't beat yourself up about your test. Hopefully at this point you've tripled your resolve and are cruising smooth skies again. I know when I came up with a test like that it was a warning sign, so keep your guard up and strong! The other side is a dark place full of self doubt, guilt, and unrealized promise-so go into the light! Gimmeshelter
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on Aug 9, 2007 17:27:24 GMT -5
Just checking in- things going well but too busy to get into much trouble... still feeling overwhelmed at work but getting my focus back slowly but surely.
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on Aug 11, 2007 10:15:25 GMT -5
Saturday and I've got a bit of ppwk to try to get through today. Had mixed results later with staying on track and will hopefully keep it between the lines today. The desire to escape somewhere is in the back of my head but will keep it there and remind myself how much more time I'll have with the kids if I get my stuff done.
Sick yesterday- and still weak with a low fever today.... all part of the fun but it makes staying focused a bit more difficult.
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on Aug 15, 2007 22:08:39 GMT -5
Late night after finishing some work in our home office... almost time for sleep but wanted to check in.
During my day of recovery last weekend I procrastinated from getting work done and for part of the afternoon, checked out some new music for which I needed to get onto Myspace, to do that I needed to re-set my filter to allow it... that led to checking out a couple things on that site and then wanted to see some of the pics and yet again needed my password for my filter which is not usually at hand, since I was working at home due to my fever it was right where I needed it. At one point during putting off work (I wasn't searching for P at this point) I needed to trip my filter to have the opportunity to put in my password for something, I typed in an old favorite P site, knowing that would trip my filter, it did and I wasn't expecting to go right to the site but that was where I ended up.... maybe subconsciously I figured a way to get there, I don't know. I didn't resist the urge to check out a few pics and stayed on for 1/2 hour feeling frustrated w/ myself and not even aroused.... finally snapped out of it and got on with things but was pretty bummed about going back to the old ways. I'm blaming it on the fever and moving on- no more playing around with the filter settings... I know I've said that a few times but maybe I'll pay attention to myself this time.
Am still feeling overwhelmed. Reading a book about procrastination which I'm following some of the initial exercises to help figure out where my issue are. Tonight I got right into work (after reading the paper) and got my stuff done. No desire to mess with P tonight even though my password is here... I probably need to find another place to put it besides right beside my computer. My normal issues have been at work lately so I wasn't too worried about it being here at the house but after Sat I'm looking for something to change to keep it from happening again when my defenses are down.
Trying to give myself some positive affirmations that I have enough time to get the important things done- this actually helped me relax some on the way home from work after a frustrating day today. Another day tomorrow and will work to make it productive and positive.
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Post by lemontea74 on Aug 20, 2007 14:36:15 GMT -5
Hey Focused, just thought that I'd stop by and say hi. Just finished reading your journal, you seem to be able to get yourself into a good place when you try......keep at it.
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on Aug 20, 2007 17:54:55 GMT -5
Thanks LT- it's good to see ya back.
Been doing OK lately, busy still and have gotten some stuff done- trying to stay on top of things so I can relax a bit next week when I'll be off work.... so, busy this week to try to get a little caught up. Tired tonight and have a virus on my home computer that I've got to figure out at some point... no rest for the weary!
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Post by sawyer on Aug 22, 2007 13:05:22 GMT -5
Focused...
How are things with being tired and sick coming? Are you starting to shake that crap off?
Sawyer.
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on Aug 25, 2007 9:54:42 GMT -5
Hey Sawyer- thanks for checking in. I've been doing better at not running myself down to the point of getting sick and have been getting more exercises. Things are going much better after putting some effort into taking care of myself. Went to a concert last night and made it a point to limit my beers to one and had lemonade after and went home instead of off to our neighborhood bar with my buddy as we were both a bit tempted to do.... with the kids I don't get out much and the temptation is there to try to fit in as much as I can when I do get out... feel like I'm getting better at having some balance. So, I was asleep by midnight and ready to roll for work this morning to get ready to head off for vacation tomorrow.
Overall not a lot of temptation but I still feel the pull of wanting an escape when things get stressful.... I guess it will just take some time for my brain a while to re-program to not crave the escape, endorphins etc that P would bring.
Still working on not ogling/fantasizing about women when I'm out... last night was a good test and I'm much better but have a ways to go.
Trying to keep things moving so I'm not procrastinating with my work so will sign off- may not be on much this next week or so since I'll be out of town.
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on Sept 9, 2007 21:13:56 GMT -5
Had a good vacation and am back to the normal stress of my life.... would have slipped last night except for getting onto this forum- probably tonight also. Not sure why I've been feeling a little weak lately and a pull to escape- been up on the computer late tonight and last night and fighting with a couple frustrating computer problems which usually drives me to look for some sort of escape after a while. Overall doing OK- been doing more posting in my accountability circle "Walking the Path" lately and probably in more detail.
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Post by Valjean on Sept 9, 2007 21:21:14 GMT -5
Hi Focused, I'm happy to see you here and staying strong instead of acting out. I know you feel weak, but tonight and last night were real victories. Make sure that you go into tomorrow aware of the difficulties you will face and how you are going to deal with them. Do not let acting out even be an option for you. Give yourself time to wind down and relax, and do whatever you need to avoid triggers. Put that plan in action.
Keep checking in with us ok? As often as is necessary. And remember, it's an urge, it's not what you really want; and the temptation always passes. Always.
Valjean
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on Sept 12, 2007 19:57:02 GMT -5
Thanks Valjean, I haven't been here much lately b/c of work and vacation but I hope you're doing well also,
You are right about looking out for the triggers- I've gotten a bit over-confident at times and it is good to remember that sometimes I need to stack the deck in my favor before ever even looking at the computer. I've been doing that lately by trying to get enough rest (almost impossible with 2 kids under 4 and a crazy job but I'm trying to do what I can), exercising, some meditation (not much lately), and when I know I'm feeling the pull to escape I check in here and it seems to help center me and remind of what is important. I'm happy with my progress overall after a lot of work, a lot of help from friends here and a few slips to learn what not to do in the future. I still feel the urge to escape sometimes but it is less strong and I've gotten in the habit of not following it but sometimes it is still difficult... it is encouraging that things seem to be getting much easier with time.
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Post by sawyer on Sept 24, 2007 13:09:58 GMT -5
Keep at it my friend and don't let the business of life prevent you from putting things in place to continue on recovery (meditation, sleep, etc). If you don't' make recovery your priority, the recovery will make itself a priority when you act out.
Stay strong and know we are pulling for you.
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on Sept 27, 2007 19:43:23 GMT -5
Thanks Sawyer- I feel like I need as many people pulling for me as possible and your support has been especially helpful. I was on vacation last week and took great care of myself, of course, this week I've been struggling to catch-up and after a good productive day on Mon have been pretty frustrated at a lot of crap coming up at work and lots of extra work so pretty far behind and have some stressful issues to deal with.... maybe I make them too stressful instead of just dealing with them and moving on....
[trigger]While I was on vacation I was reading a magazine my wife brought with us and read in it that one of the ladies I was reading an article about had posed nude for another mag.... well, that was in the back of my head for several days that, at some point, I'd really like to see those pics.... I would sometimes be able to remind myself that it would just make it easier to fall back into old habits and there really wasn't a reason to see her nude.[/trigger] Well, I came home tired, frustrated, stressed and tried to get some stuff done on my home PC which I hadn't reinstalled a filter on (not a problem lately since I haven't been too tempted when at home).... I knew the first thing I should've done was check in here but I skipped this positive forum and went right to the pics and escaped my stress for about 20 min. The nice thing was that I was reminded that it really wasn't that exciting and I would have much rather have gotten something done. Just another reminder to not get complacent with staying away from even fairly benign pics.
Tonight I'm working late, no real temptations even though I'm surround by unfiltered PC's (other than my own) so I'll get back to work and try to decrease the stress level!
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on Oct 19, 2007 20:23:21 GMT -5
The last week or so has been good but before that I've had a lot of struggles with staying on task and getting things done. I have way too much responsibility to my family, employees and customers to not be productive when I'm in the office but that has been the reality lately.... although I did get a lot done this past week. Last Sat I fell flat on my face and spent the better part of the day wandering the internet instead of getting my work done. Tomorrow is my next day in the office alone where I'll have the choice to be productive or not. I will try to not allow any rationalization to "take a break" to wander around the net. Will try to get some sleep tonight and maybe a bike ride in the AM before work if we can get someone to watch the kids early AM. I just need to relax and do one small thing at a time so I don't get overwhelmed by looking at the whole elephant.
As frustrating as my lack of focus at times is I need to remind myself that I'm pretty focused during my normal 50+ hr work week, it is just at night and on the weekends when I have the luxury of choosing what I want to work on, that get me off track. Tonight is a good example of progress.... I have the opportunity to do what I like tonight since my wife is out with some friends and I have stayed on track, there have been a few urges but no desire to give in.... one day at a time.
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