Focused
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Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on Apr 28, 2007 15:26:26 GMT -5
I need help. After using porn for over 25 years (I'm 38) it is time to finally stop. I've been using ideas from this website for a couple weeks now and am doing better but have still slipped twice in that time.
I have spent the better part of today looking at P instead of working which puts me behind at work and is that much less time I can spend with my wife and two kids.
My triggers seem to be stress and feeling overwhelmed at work which tends to lead me to looking for ways to not think about work and I start messing around on the internet which often leads to P sites.
I have finally told a good friend that I am struggling with trying to stop this addiction and have set up a filter on my computer that only he knows the password to.... need to adjust the filter since I realized that I can still hit sites with nudity and I feel sometimes like it is a fun challenge to see how I can sneak around the filter. I have made progress since a few months ago when I was looking at P at night after my wife went to sleep several nights a week. I now go to bed at the same time she does whenever possible and the only times I've slipped have been when I'm alone doing work and procrastinating getting my work done.
I have wasted too much of my life on P and M and am committed to stopping. My goal of writing this is to have a group other than my friend to which I'm accountable to... I have been trying to stop for years, and have for weeks at at time before but never more than a month or so. I'm hoping that today was my last slip and look forward to reporting success, or at the least having someone else to communicate with for ideas if I do have another slip.
I have read many of the ideas and tips in other posts and welcome your ideas. Thanks for any help!
Focused
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on Apr 30, 2007 21:43:39 GMT -5
Days where I work from home tend to be the times I'm most tempted, and until recently, usually slip. Made it through one of those days today.
Also tightened up my internet filter which I had to get the password from my friend to do. Used a tip from another post which suggested to write out a password of random letters/signs that I couldn't remember and keep it in a place where I wasn't likely to use it during a weak moment. I've done that and almost tempted myself too much when I "tested" my filter, which I'm glad I did since it was still letting lots get through. My test lasted longer than it needed to before I tightened the restrictions up but could be measured in seconds this time instead of hours.... but I was reminded of how I often rationalize checking out fairly innocent sites which used to lead down the path of another slip. Done with those now, I feel like I've put at least some of the tools in place to keep on track even when things get difficult.
I feel like I've finally broken a way of life I've had for 25+ years which had been especially bad since 11 or 12 years ago when I discovered the internet. It is time to resist the urge to say why did I wait so long and what could I be if I had used that time wisely, but to remind myself that NEXT TIME I won't let it happen again.
A quote has been going through my head lately which many already know but I feel like someone out there may gain a bit of inspiration as I have from it over the years in regards to all aspects of my life....
Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.
--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on May 7, 2007 20:20:52 GMT -5
9 days and counting and I feel like I've gotten it in my head that I don't slip anymore. The temptations are fewer and it is much easier to keep on rolling with something productive instead of pulling up a P site. I'm getting lots more done and feel much better about myself in general. Now instead of a destructive habit I have a productive habit of staying focused on the good stuff.
Thanks again to everyone on the boards for the tools that have helped me get on a good positive roll.
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on May 10, 2007 12:49:14 GMT -5
12 days and counting. Just like the bad things in life, habits can be fairly quickly formed for the good things. Getting ready to go surf for a few minutes for a lunch break which I wouldn't have had time to do a couple weeks ago b/c of wasting too much time on P. Feel like I'm getting my life back.
Working from home today which has been the times I get distracted with P for hours at a time. None of that today so I feel like some real progress. I'm very appreciative for the opportunity to read other's boards to get extra tools and ideas- very grateful to be here.
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on May 15, 2007 21:26:29 GMT -5
17 days and feeling good about it. Had a reminder to not get too confident that my willpower is strong enough to overcome temptation. It started out pretty good since I got home from work while my wife was off with the kids and this would normally have been a good chance I'd check out a P site. Had some temptation but got back to work. I then made the mistake to follow a couple links after checking the surf online and ended up on a surf mag website checking out some of the bikini shots.... I fairly quickly reminded myself that this was how I used to slowly progress into other sites that weren't as innocent. It really isn't anywhere near as difficult to redirect myself after getting into a better routine and absolutely committing to not letting myself rationalize even a quick look at P. Wife helped motivate me for a bike before work which seems to help me stay on track (getting consistent exercise). How the hell did I stay hooked on such a stupid habit as P with as cool a wife as I've got? Need to keep reminding myself of how irrational some of the crazy crap I did was and just let that be a reminder to never get flushed down that black hole again.
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on May 17, 2007 18:18:09 GMT -5
I'm working late this afternoon with no-one in office and this used to be my most difficult time, looking for an excuse to escape work for a while.... obviously I've found an escape in writing in my journal but I'm able to justify it pretty easily by the fact that this is a 1/2 hour deal instead of an hour or two getting flushed down the black hole of P-dom.
Had a brief urge to "check out my filter" to see what it still shows after I tightened it down.... I learned the hard way after initially setting it up that I like the challenge of trying to get around it and have to remind myself each time that I'm not allowing ANY peeks at sites that used to start me on a binge.
I know it would help if I get back into meditation which I haven't been keeping up as I used to. I'm feeling much more centered by just getting away from P the last few weeks and feel like sitting again will help me move on and leave the lingering (although very weak) urges completely behind.
Thanks again to everyone who has taken the time to tell a bit about their stories on the forums- I think many of you know how helpful it is to others, but to those who don't, I'm here to tell you it has been the one thing that made the difference with me. Thanks for my life back.
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on May 17, 2007 19:31:59 GMT -5
It has been over an hour now and I'm starting to feel like I'm starting to get pulled into reading more and more entries instead of getting back to work. I'm going to limit my time here a bit more or at least try to get a bit more discipline. Lately it has been only once every 4 or 5 days that I have a really difficult time so these will probably be the times I check in.
Please feel free to comment in my journal- just knowing I'm accountable to others reading this has been helpful.
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Post by gimmeshelter on May 17, 2007 19:34:22 GMT -5
Glad to see you're still on track Focused. I've had a few similar "gravitations" as I cleared my Bookmarks and files, but it's getting easier all the time. Keep fightin the good fight! Gimmeshelter
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on May 22, 2007 21:08:17 GMT -5
Thanks Gimmeshelter- hope all is well with you! I've certainly had my struggles, and tonight is no exception- been doing some work on my computers to get some upgrades done and have been tempted to "take a break".... but I know where that leads and haven't even considered for more than the time it took to register the thought... maybe a little longer to fight it off but not even giving myself the slack to think about what site I'd go to if I were to get on.
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Post by sawyer on May 24, 2007 15:23:31 GMT -5
Focused -
I specifically sought out your journal after reading on another thread that you too were a newbie. I wanted to see how your walk was comparing to mine. Allthough I am still looking at how to handle this, you actually started to put one foot in front of the other. I am proud of you man, keep it up.
We are much alike, I too can work at home, I too am tempted when my wife is not home, or in bed, I am also a dad (allthough a new dad).
I know about what you mean about testing the filter - and don't kid yourself man, call a spade a spade. I bet you know that is an avenue that you can "accidently" find P through. So keep fighting that temptation. Being a geek by trade, I tried to do the same thing and could almost always work around it. One alternative I am thinking of is a keystroke or site watching software - where I KNOW someone I trust will see and confront me about where I have been. I guess blocking software does the same thing - but does it keystroke capture? Allthough I have to admit I don't know as much as I would like to make an educated decision.
May I ask how you chose your accountability partner? this will be a step I have to take in the upcoming weeks.
As for the exercise, my counselor was telling me that execise will release chemicals int he brain that should help you along. (Matter of fact he asked me if I had this problem as intensly when I was fencing avidly - which I didn't). So keep up on the bike rides.
I'll be watching man, so keep journalling. I too am using journaling as a tool.
Sawyer.
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Post by breakfree53 on May 26, 2007 18:53:03 GMT -5
Hi Focused
I have read your journal. Hang on in there. You are doing well. I haven't got a real-life accountability partner. At the moment I am using the people on this forum.
Thank u for sharing your story. It helps to read what others are going through-this creates hope for ourselves.
I have biked to work once-it felt so good. I am going to try to keep it up.
breakfree53
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on May 27, 2007 10:52:49 GMT -5
Thanks Breakfree,
I just spent a few minutes commenting in your journal and realized much of what I was writing would be applicable to my journal, so instead of re-typing it I'll paste part of it:
(writing about the time after a slip in the past) Before I found this forum I had more slips and the accompanying guilt and sense of failure than I could even begin to count.... I've been trying to quit for many years and only just now have done it.
After getting really depressed for days at a time after many slips, I tried a different strategy. Every time I slipped I realized there was still something in my life that was allowing me to keep slipping and I would do something differently from that point on. I stopped focusing on the past and focused on what I needed to change in the future. This led me to telling a friend, putting a filter on my system and keeping the password in another location (this was probably the most important thing for me), going to bed at the same time as my wife, posting to this forum etc. No one thing was the final solution but a combination of these and the commitment to never do it again (which I had SAID to myself in the past but don't know if I really committed to it) has been the answer for me.... although there are still days it is difficult.
What are you going to do differently for the future???
Next to this forum the most helpful thing I've done is set up a strong filter (Blue Coat k-9 web protection).
Now that I've started cycling regularly again I feel better about myself overall and that always seems to help tip the scales when I'm considering doing something negative to go the other way.
Sawyer- Thanks for your comments, I did the same, as far as seeking out other newbies. For me, this forum has been part a toolbox and part my accountability partner(s). I chose my real-life accountability partner b/c he is a good friend and has a lot of first-hand experience with addiction. That has caused some problems (probably b/c I haven't talked with him enough, or been honest enough about how much a problem it really has been with me) since his addictions had many more real-world consequences, I don't think he has really taken my struggles as seriously as I would like (again this is partly my fault for going along when he makes light of it). But it was still a good start for me just to admit to someone that I had my own addiction that I hadn't been able to overcome and needed help.
You've taken things a step farther than I have with getting counseling.... I haven't had that much courage yet, although as I write this, the realization hit me that there are a lot of root issues to my P addiction that talking to a counselor may help with. I'm interested to see how that part goes for you, as well as talking to your wife.... I'm waiting for a good time to talk to mine now that I have some distance between P and myself. She saw sites I was looking at a couple times and I'm sure it is still in the back of her mind that I'm still doing it.
You asked about filters.... I haven't found one that is foolproof and have had to make it just a small tool in my arsenal against P. I don't know about key loggers but I'm sure a quick search will give you what is needed. I'll think of a way now and then to get around my filter and the key for me is to NEVER allow myself to even flirt with it- this is getting a bit easier with time but was tough at first.
Congrats on becoming a new dad (son or daughter?).... I still feel fairly new at the whole dad thing even though it's been 3 1/2 yrs now. I feel like I missed a great opportunity when my daughter was born.... I stopped using P for a short period and vowed to stop out of respect for her and then got pulled down the black hole again (talk about magnified guilt). So now, 3 1/2 years later I've finally succeded and it feels good to be free again, and the fact that I feel much better about myself helps my relationship with my family become stronger.
Courage and inner peace to all of you! It really is worth the fight.
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Post by breakfree53 on May 27, 2007 12:16:42 GMT -5
Hey Focused
I have d downloaded and installed Blue Coat k-9 web protection - It is quite good accept is not block all sites but most of them. How are u finding it?
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on May 27, 2007 16:24:51 GMT -5
Hey Breakfree
I've found Blue Coat to be a good filter but don't have much to compare it to. It doesn't seem to pick up sites that I legitimately want to check out but, you're right, it does not catch all the bad stuff. I've been trapped into the "let's see what it does let in search" so be careful of that. I had to play with the level of filtering which you can set and think I ended up putting it on the default setting and, as I would find sites that it wasn't filtering that I wanted it to, I would add those, you need your password to do this so it can be an easy to get triggered when adding these sites. It will always let some sites in and, for me, the help is that it gives me some extra time to stop myself since I used to find myself hitting the search engine before my conscious mind really kicked in to remind myself what a bad idea that was. I found I had to keep the password well away from places where I would normally slip.
I've had a difficult day and haven't gotten as much work done as I'd hoped. I probably would have gotten onto a P site if it wasn't for the filter (I started to look and thankfully it caught anything that normally would've caught my eye). First time I had done that in weeks.... I thought I was farther along than this but the struggle continues.
Now, what am I going to do differently from today forward..... next time I get an urge that I can't easily shake I'm going to meditate for at least 5 min to try to center myself again. For me, meditation (Zazen) is simply breathing and counting the breaths one to ten and then back again, or sometimes not counting, but just sitting and breathing. I used to make it a point to sit once a day and have gotten away from it due to busy sched and kids but will start taking breaks occasionally while working to replace the "P breaks" I used to take that would last for hours. I normally sit for at least 20-30 min but the 5 min is to keep myself from saying "no, you don't have time for that," which is my normal excuse for not taking some quiet time for myself and 5 min is easier to justify when I'm busy.
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Post by sawyer on May 27, 2007 21:18:59 GMT -5
Focused .. Man, I have to admit - this is kind of like rooting for the home team for me. I don't have the building blocks to start moving forward yet, so I have really been watching you. I am glad to see you overcame that latest urge. One of the things I keep reminding myself is that they say it takes 6 weeks to develop a new good habit - but that 2nd and 6th week are tough. Looks like you are at that 6th week. Keep at it. As for the counselor - I never thought about it taking "courage" to see one. But thank you for making me stick out my chest in pride for a minute. I was not too scared as my ex-g/f saw one regularly due to some bad things in her life, and I saw how helpful they were. A few pieces of advice or things to think about (take or leave as you please).. - Counselors are VERY helpful, but you must click with them. So if you decide to take that next step, go to one a few tmies and if you don't feel that "click" or trust - ask your insurance carrier to send you to someone else. It took 3 tries to find this guy.
- You may speak to a counselor before you speak to your wife - the two things that caught me completely off guard from him was - Not to take the X day bus ride out of hell as it is dangerous, and NOT tell my wife just yet as some ducks need to be in a row first. Now why did he say this, I don't know, but will see in the next week or two. (I think he is waiting to have a hard plan in place first - like you)
- If your insurance covers it - man, I can't talk enough good things about it.
although as I write this, the realization hit me that there are a lot of root issues to my P addiction that talking to a counselor may help withDude, It's like digging in cave and pulling out a gold nugget every so often. I am finding all sorts of root issues. So many, that I'm getting tired of saying "WTF?!?" Thanks for the background on the accountability partner. Started dancing around that conversation and "hypotheticaly" feeling out a realitively new but close friend of mine. He knows I may need to have a talk with him in the next few weeks. Keep it up man!
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