Focused
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Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on Jun 20, 2007 17:32:33 GMT -5
It's the end of the day and I've had a difficult time staying focused but feel like some more incremental progress since I notice the restlessness and feel the urge to fall back into old patterns but get back to positive thoughts or work and move on.
Had a difficult weekend since my wife and I weren't getting along, I felt very depressed and down (probably a big part of us not getting along), and I had a lot that I wanted to get done but hardly made a dent in it. Turned my wife down when she wanted to go biking since I didn't have the energy and felt pretty bad about that since she was hoping for some motivation from my end.... none there. This would usually have been a recipe for trouble and I tried to stay aware of how easy it would be to slip and stayed alert and kept as positive as I could. By Mon morning felt a little better (depression still hanging over a little partly I think due to feeling overwhelmed at work) and my wife and I made up. At the very least I made it out of the weekend without my past guilt of having wasted hours looking at P.
Worked late last night on the computer and was able to stay very focused on what I was doing- this was a great reminder of how important it is to stay clean since I got 4 solid hours of work done and in the past I would have been almost sure to take a P break that would have eaten up part of, if not all of that time.
Just trying to be present in the moment and when the restlesness/stress hits, just accepting it, breathing deeply and just being right where I am. Are you there are somewhere else?
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on Jun 22, 2007 23:29:53 GMT -5
It is midnight and my wife is out of town and I have no desire to look at P! I'm so stoked about this I could M but am not doing that either.
Life has been stressful lately and I'm in way over my head at work and, somehow, need to catch up. This used to be a huge trigger and I still feel it working on my but have been able to not let it get to me. Today was another real temptation- worked with this very nice looking woman my age today and she had some all too revealing clothes on. I tried to remind myself to keep focused on business and for 95% of the time I did (so a little progress).... but have to admit that I really considered M-ing in the bathroom at work after she left- I'm embarrassed that someone I know may read this stupid stuff but it's just where I am. Felt pretty overwhelmed at times and wanted to jump up from my desk for a quick M escape but reminded myself after a few deep breaths that a quick escape won't help and got back to what I needed to do.
I've gotten a lot done tonight before I got onto the forum and that is pretty cool, since I normally would've had a P fest for at least part of the night since my wife is not around.
Time to get some sleep- big day with the kids tomorrow!
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Post by lemontea74 on Jun 23, 2007 12:42:05 GMT -5
Hey Focused,
Thanks for stopping by my journal. Its great that people around here take an interest in your progress. Eben if they do make fun of my accent ;D
I'm sorry to hear that you and your wife are having trouble and that work is getting you down. I am supposed to be a positive role model for young people, but I am not really sure on how to go about being such a person and every day I just wing it. Sometimes I feel like I have only just managed, some one told me once that this is a good think as it means you are not just blindly doing your job but taking a positive attitude to it.
Anyway all the best
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on Jun 24, 2007 13:52:09 GMT -5
Thanks LT - I'm with you on feeling like it is a daily struggle to be a good example- I guess we just do the best we can!
Today is not a banner day for me- drank way too much last night. I usually make it a point of stopping at 2-3 beers due to some past problems with alcohol, but last night, got caught up in the moment and things went downhill. So now I'm hung-over, depressed, ashamed of some stupid things I said last night and can't concentrate on getting anything done today. I'm having to use a friend's computer which doesn't have a filter so it would be that much easier to slip- and I just started down the old path of going to a site to check the surf and then clicking on a bikini picture and then a few more bikinis.... I realized that things could move on to a slip and I came here instead. I just feel like hell physically and mentally.
My wife was out of town Fri night and I M-ed for the first time since I stopped looking at P a couple months ago. I've been much more focused on not looking at P and figured if I kept away from M-ing that it would make the other easier. I think that is the case since I've had more of an urge to M since Fri. I think I was only rationalizing on Fri and will commit to stopping that also.
I have at least kept away from looking at P so far and will make it another day.... but I feel like I've just barely hung on today.
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Post by sawyer on Jun 25, 2007 0:02:03 GMT -5
I'm proud of you man, do you know what a step you took to walk to the edge of that cliff and yank yourself back. I am very proud of you.
Be careful when you stop MB'ing though this will become even tougher - but remember one feeds the other so stopping both is a really good idea. That is when withdrawal symptoms may really kick in.
As soon as I read the beer thing, I was like "Oh no". But just as you told doublea, learn from it. Mourn it, learn from it, put it away, and move on. If you beat yourself up it will be hard to continue forward.
Stay strong my friend.
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on Jun 26, 2007 18:35:20 GMT -5
OK- today is much better than Sunday.
Sawyer- thanks for the encouragement.... I played way too close to that edge but, on a day when I had no reserves left, I'm glad that I was still able to keep away from falling into that hole. Maybe I can remember next time that my days of drinking more than a couple beers are over..... it had been about 6 months since the last hangover and a year before that one so I just seem to forget after a while.... until next time when I WILL remember.
This weekend was a great reminder of what a huge difference lifestyle makes in being successful with getting to where I want to be in life. I haven't been biking or getting any exercise lately and getting hammered on Sat night was enough to throw me into a huge funk for two days.... I went from feeling strong with very few urges to M or look at P, to being on the verge of not giving a crap if I looked at P or not.... that's not quite true since I did care but almost didn't have enough in the tank to fight the urge.
I know this site is helpful for a lot of folks for different reasons and maybe someone out there will learn a bit from my latest mistake of too much alcohol and not enough exercise and find a little motivation to keep on a more positive track.
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on Jun 26, 2007 19:00:27 GMT -5
Just checked in with Lemontea who is having his own struggles but hanging tough. He had posted some lyrics and as I was reading them one of my favorite songs came on and I thought it was a bit of a sign so here are those lyrics for a bit of positive energy for all of us:
Old pirates, yes, they rob I; Sold I to the merchant ships, Minutes after they took I From the bottomless pit. But my hand was made strong By the hand of the Almighty. We forward in this generation Triumphantly. Won't you help to sing This songs of freedom 'Cause all I ever have: Redemption songs; Redemption songs.
Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery; None but ourselves can free our minds. Have no fear for atomic energy, 'Cause none of them can stop the time. How long shall they kill our prophets, While we stand aside and look? Ooh! Some say it's just a part of it: We've got to fulfill the book.
Won't you help to sing This songs of freedom- 'Cause all I ever have: Redemption songs; Redemption songs; Redemption songs. --- /Guitar break/ --- Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery; None but ourselves can free our mind. Wo! Have no fear for atomic energy, 'Cause none of them-a can-a stop-a the time. How long shall they kill our prophets, While we stand aside and look? Yes, some say it's just a part of it: We've got to fulfill the book. Won't you have to sing This songs of freedom? - 'Cause all I ever had: Redemption songs - All I ever had: Redemption songs: These songs of freedom, Songs of freedom.
Bob Marley and the Wailers- "Redemption Song"
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Post by sawyer on Jun 27, 2007 22:46:59 GMT -5
Ah, you two yahoos are going to make me post a song I have been using as motivation. Got to keep up with Focused and Leamontea. You bunch of goobers.
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Post by lemontea74 on Jun 29, 2007 1:34:17 GMT -5
Hey Focused, Good choice of song. The only thing is I was going to post it next!!!!!!
Keep hanging in there
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on Jun 29, 2007 18:49:11 GMT -5
Sawyer- goobers is as goobers does... I guess if the shoe fits ;D
LT- sorry to steal your thunder, but that was just meant to be!
Things are going better and, although I've been fighting a cold and fatigue through my 65+ hr work week I'm hanging in here. After last weekend I've resolved to start taking care of myself better and will try to get some exercise in this weekend, so will probably work late tonight and less this weekend. It is nice that I've got confidence to work late by myself and not spend a good portion, if not all of the time, flushing it down the P hole.
I checked out one of the threads on procrastination since this is my next big goal to tackle.... I've traded much of the time I was spending looking at P to doing other things and this forum has been the largest.... I need to find more of a balance and not get caught up for hours at a time as I have. I'll get one of the books suggested on it and am open to things others out there have done to overcome this second P vice.... it has been something I've struggled with all of my life and I need to figure out some of the root causes and some fixes so I can be more productive.
I'll check on a couple other's journals and get back to work so I can spend more time with the kids this weekend.
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on Jul 1, 2007 10:21:03 GMT -5
In the office today to try and catch up on some work... very little progress on the procrastination front but will hopefully be able to stay on track after finishing this post.
I'm exhausted today after feeling pretty good yesterday... of course I went non-stop yesterday (my only full day off this week) working in the yard, playing with the kids and going on a good bike ride. I must still be fighting this cold since there's no reason I should be this tired. Feeling some of the mental leftovers from my hangover a week ago.... this may sound strange, but around the house this AM and driving into work I smelled some of the same smells, felt some of the same lethargy and it was like my mind was immediately back to the depression I felt last week. I'm feeling very low right now. I'm also alone, with no filter since my laptop is still down and have a pile of work..... always a recipe for a difficult day... will mediate for a while and try to re-center myself since whatever I've been doing hasn't worked yet.
I get frustrated reading over some of my posts since I've got every reason to be happy with my life right now but can't seem to pull it together. At least I'm not looking at P anymore so hopefully that will continue to open up positive space to work on the other issues going on.
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on Jul 3, 2007 17:40:37 GMT -5
My first slip in a couple months on Sunday.... I think I learned a bit though... it wasn't so much I was looking for P but looking for ways to procrastinate doing my work and after many other detours on the net, ended up at a photo-sharing site where I explored way to long and ended on sites with some nudity.... was able to avoid going to my old favorite sites so maybe some progress over the last couple months....just didn't feel like I had any reserves and made the mistake of checking out some surfing photos instead of taking some quiet time to meditate before I got to work.
Feel much better today and no urges for P. Will try not to let my reserves drop so low and will make sure to take some quiet time for myself next time I'm feeling so down. Have spent more time sitting (in meditation) which has seemed to help me keep centered.
Gotta get home to the family tonight-
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Post by sawyer on Jul 3, 2007 22:53:14 GMT -5
Hey man ... If your re-read your posts you can see that slip coming a mile a way. Being overworked, less meditation to center yourself, little sleep, being alone, the setup was coming. Remember to avoid HUNGARY, ANGRY, LONELY, TIRED. Have to avoid these things. You learned though, and you have really made progress recently. Keep at it - rub some dirt on it and move on. Sawyer.
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Post by breakfree53 on Jul 4, 2007 15:27:11 GMT -5
Hey Focused
We have all slipped -stubbed our toes. Don't beat yourself up over this - put it behind you keep going -you will make it.
I have fallen into the same trap myself. We have to forgive ourselves and get going again.
I think Sawyer you are right about avoiding "HUNGARY, ANGRY, LONELY, TIRED. Have to avoid these things."If I am extremely tired I am more susceptible to slipping-I must be very much more on guard at these times.
Hang on in there my friend, keep moving forward.
Breakfree
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on Jul 5, 2007 17:31:46 GMT -5
Thanks guys-
Yes, by not taking better care of myself, I was at a way higher risk for a week and a half and it was just more than I was up for fighting by the end. Will do my best to do better to not run myself down and have ordered a book on procrastination since, throughout my life, it has been a huge obstacle for my success. I've had to put in more hours at work to overcome it which just runs me down even more. Sunday made me realize that the little p (procrastination) is my bigger problem now.
I've been doing much better the last few days and will put in the time to keep it that way.
Will be away from tomorrow AM until Sun afternoon so may not have time to post during that time... in general I usually post every few days or so.
One thing I have gotten better about is not beating myself up- the past is the past and I'm focusing on the future (while trying to learn from the past :-)).
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