Zed
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Post by Zed on Nov 18, 2007 18:43:30 GMT -5
I don't know what to say... two strike against me? I repeated the same mistake. I don't know why, I think just because it's the weekend and I'm BORED. It was definitely an effective illustration of how the addictive lure of pornography acts. I'm wondering if I should start the "count" all over again... I guess I can't really say I've gone a month if I saw a photo. Gotta maintain a high standard, right? Hmm. I guess twenty-two days is nothing to be ashamed of. But still, that makes this:
DAY ZERO
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Zed
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Post by Zed on Nov 21, 2007 7:46:45 GMT -5
DAY ONE
Well, what can I say? I totally rode my withdrawal – took it for "all it was worth." I didn't even give myself the benefit of the doubt - the confidence enough to try. Three days of pornography got by me. The third day I tried much harder, putting forth an honorable effort in the morning, but by the evening I just got lazy. So here I am, the day before Thanksgiving, "knowing" I can make it the rest of the way. My renewed confidence is in part due to the fact that I've already "given up" the "standard" three-day-binge, and in part due to the plans I have for the rest of the week which will certainly keep me busy. I'm also starting some new habits this time around to help me maintain control.
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Zed
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Posts: 101
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Post by Zed on Dec 10, 2007 15:47:44 GMT -5
DAY ZERO
...it's been a while.
I've gone two weeks here, a week there, but for some reason never felt like recording it. I had a transformative experience a while back, I feel changed, but lately, I feel like I've been allowing myself to be changed back. It's stupid. Today I acted on a temptation, but this time it was different.
I don't feel the same way about pornography as I used to. I'm much less attracted to it. I think that's part of the "transformation," also part of getting more accustomed to mbing w/o pornography – as I allow myself to do that, pornography becomes less necessary.
The "different" experience this time was that I was tempted to imagine the pornography was someone I know. -- not very well -- just someone who kinda "looks" like a pornstar... if you know what I mean. Basically, I don't typically fantasize about people I know because I think of it as disgraceful. However, this time I disgraced the image of this person because I made a judgement about them. I feel like this is a new kind of sin. I feel like it's a little worse. Before, I was looking at the image of almost "imaginary" people, but in fantasizing about someone else, a judgement of that person is involved, and I see this action to have the strongest negative impact upon myself.
I need to repent... and I need to move on. I need to remember my transformation and be that new self for a week. I've also decided not to mb on the weekends anymore, as that can sometimes cause the most trouble – when I'm typically a little more idle. I want to spend my weekends in reflection of why I've chosen to give up pornography. I should be making an entry every weekend to keep myself accountable on that.
Also, the new year is coming up, and I want to enter into it strongly, not weakly and needful of another "new" commitment.
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Zed
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Posts: 101
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Post by Zed on Dec 13, 2007 17:33:32 GMT -5
DAY ZERO
Let me explain how I feel. I feel disappointed because – once again – I think I NEED porn in order to "relax." DAHHH!!! I wish I could just chill out. This week hasn't been very good - very successful. I'm getting frustrated. Every opportunity I have to prevent myself from looking at pornography I decline. I wish I had the strength to realize this is not just something I don't need, but something I don't WANT. I'm getting to a point of exhaustion... I don't know what to do about it. At least today I made it through the morning.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Dec 14, 2007 7:01:49 GMT -5
Firstly I know what you mean with nobody seeming to read your posts. I quite often thought that, but I think you have to remember we all have problems on here, and I like I'm sure others are. they are so focussed on their own recovery, and when things aren't going all that well, they really just help themselves other than other people. I mean in real life situation you may think someone being angry at you, or avoiding you may have something to do with you, but infact its probably something to do with them. I'm thinking that this may be the reason why people don't reach out to you unless you reach out to them first. I've been in the past quite angry when I write a post and its really upsetting me, and nobody replies to the message. I try to be positive about it now though, as we all have our problems.
I know a few people here accept say masturbation without pornography, I honestly cannot see how that can possibly work, I tried it once, and it was terrible, it just made me want it even more. I think anything that keeps you away from your true desires, goals, etc is a harmful one, I mean it could be video games, But if you have definite goals, and you aren't achieving them because you are masturbating, or whatever, then its something you should consider blacklisting. Thats the way I see it anyway.
I havne't passed 30 days yet, but I'm still trying, and I think if you haven't got a massive action plan you should think about getting one underway.
I usually find getting angry with myself gets me to get off my Ass, then set a plan, one day at a time. If you arent going to SA meetings then find some and go to them, set out some guidelines and follow them. For too long I've spent just half trying, I was 25 days clean and then I skiipped a meeting, and then slipped up that night. That tells me how important going to meetings is.
Its prety late and I'm about to go to bed for work, I havne't had a chance to read all of your posts, but I will make the effort tomorrow. I wish you well, and keep up the strength.
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Zed
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Posts: 101
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Post by Zed on Dec 14, 2007 9:50:06 GMT -5
DAY ONE
Wow, thanks for the post, tomlincolnsixecho. It was REALLY encouraging to me. Today I actually logged on NOT to confess that I blew it today, but to announce that I AM putting forth an effort today. FOr me, it's easier to commit to purity when I've either said I would out loud or written it down. I also logged on to read some of my past posts...
See, THAT'S the thing: I write and write, but I never READ (my own posts.) I found it was helpful today to read into my mindset from November. And by the way, in reference to the post at the top of this page, I DID end up buying lubricant. It's made my life a lot simpler. On days when pornography is all I can think of, I actually find the ability to mb quickly and easily a lifesaver. When I first started to try mb w/o porn, like you said lincolnsixecho, it WAS difficult to do so without feeling a greater desire for porn, but after I got used to it it got easier.
I feel really good today. My day was definitely improved already just by reviewing my old posts and receiving a new one, thanks!
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Zed
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Posts: 101
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Post by Zed on Dec 15, 2007 9:21:23 GMT -5
DAY ONE
I'm showing signs of improvement. Yesterday I went all day and screwed up late at night. The day before I made it to the afternoon. The day before that I couldn't even get through the morning. This weekend I've committed to no porn or no mb. I want to commit to no mb evering weekend so that I can meditate on why I am giving up porn. I also need to start setting a "bedtime" for myself – either a specific time to be in bed or a list of things to do that, once complete, must be followed up by going to bed. The fact that I was done with "everything" last night made me feel like I was "bored" and I allowed my self to use my "extra time" to look at porn. In fact, I was really only sacrificing time that should have been spent asleep.
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Zed
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Posts: 101
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Post by Zed on Dec 17, 2007 16:49:47 GMT -5
DAY THREE
I finally got a good start and am on the right track. I managed to get through the entire weekend just as I had committed: no porn nor mb. I was also extremely busy a distracted. Sometimes when the stress level lightens up, I feel relieved and loosened up enough to look at some porn. I definitely don't want to let that happen this time. Recognizing the temptation is the first step to avoiding it, however.
If I can make it through only today and tomorrow, by Wednesday I'll be on a ten day vacation and I think that will help me get through the rest of the year. I'll stay in touch.
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Zed
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Posts: 101
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Post by Zed on Jan 4, 2008 14:36:21 GMT -5
DAY 20?
I'm up to day 20 today. Actually, I'm not up at all. I WAS up to day 20 until I lost it just a minute ago. See, I was home for the holidays, then flew back with a friend to New York, toured the city for a few days – and today – the day he went home, I took all my bent up frustration (20 days worth) and acted on it. I don't feel too bad about it though. I feel like I was unprepared because I had been too busy acting as a host and tour guide, when really, I needed more time to myself, alone, to meditate, have a devotional, and do the other things that keep me sane during a withdrawal. I feel an immense sense of relief right now, and I think I'm just going to continue counting. That means I'm on day 20* with an asterisk, so to speak. But now that I'm along again, I'm confident that I'll see just how well I can handle temptation (because I've learned a few lessons lately that I'm not going to describe here.)
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Zed
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Posts: 101
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Post by Zed on Jan 5, 2008 20:59:12 GMT -5
DAY ZERO
I forfeited today. I'm not going to explain it, go into details, nothing. I just want to forget about it and move on. Tomorrow is brighter. I'll be writing in the morning first thing to report in and refresh for the day ahead of me. Tonight, I'm going to a movie – by myself – to chill out for a while.
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Zed
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Posts: 101
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Post by Zed on Jan 6, 2008 12:14:37 GMT -5
WEEK ONE DAY ONE
Sunday. A good time to begin. I overslept again last night. I think I may still be on Pacific time or something. I would really like to start waking up at 8:00am at the latest and begin my day much earlier. Last night as I was going to bed I thought about WHY I want to give up pornography. I thought of it as my drug. I said to myself, "I am barely alive" meaning I am SO dependent on this drug. The first thing I need to do is put an end to this binge. Secondly, I need to prepare myself for the whole WEEK ahead of me. I remember that I am so much happier without pornography.
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