Zed
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Posts: 101
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Post by Zed on Jan 13, 2007 21:19:59 GMT -5
I already have a blog about my personal matters- even about the addiction, and yet, I don't write ALL my thoughts about P or MB simply because they can be far too humiliating, obscene, and profane. Has it ever gotten to the point for you, reader, when your "good side" is so drowned out by lust that you feel you can't find it in you to say anything appropriate at all? Like you only have dirty thoughts? It was like that for me last week, and you know something? it led to a fall. Sometimes, all I want to do is VENT the extraordinary emotions and urges that I otherwise obligingly supress, but who will listen to me?
I'm binging.
The above is a confession. I've been binging physically through P and MB becasue I feel as if I don't have a venue to vent emotionally. I've been binging for four days- three actually- since on the second day I had enough control to stay clean. Today is day four. As a matter of fact, I fell to temptation not more than thirty minutes ago. I'm in a 31-day accountability group. A group on the Recovering Addicts blog. The deal is, we go 31 days and if someone slips, we start over. Everyone gets one "slip." Obviously, I've slipped once. If I played by the rules, I'd be out. But I haven't told them... yet. But to be fair, I think I'll post this entry on the string.
So needless to say, I'm dissappointed in myself. I actually thought I had the self control to make it all 31 without ANY slips... I was quite confident. But I feel like the binge was a respose to supression. I was fighting the urges of addiction with suppression, really. How else is there to do it?
There have been times when I've gone as long as 70 days. For the accountability group I fell after twelve. The times when I've gone the longest have usually been conditional– i.e. because I had a girlfriend or because I was at church camp... whatever. But here I am now, living an normal, everyday, single life... and I'm capable of suppressing the Urge for twelve days.
So here's my hypothesis: The Suppression Tactic doesn't work– it seemingly always ends with a binge.
Here's my question: What tactic works?
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So this is my new recovery journal. I obviously have a question to think about and I HOPE that through writing, I can find a source of venting for when the going gets tough. (I feel a lot more comfortable HERE than I do on the blog that I share with all my friends and family.) I'll check back again soon, please feel free to let me know what you think.
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Post by Disciple on Jan 13, 2007 21:46:13 GMT -5
Welcome Ben,
I'm sorry to say that there is no tactic. There is no magic bullet. If there were we would all know it and this board would not exist. I can relate to what you are going through right now. I'm struggling mightily to maintain my 15 day sobriety. I'm so close to slipping that I came here. I don't usually come here until after I slip. This is hard work.
The good news is that I have improved and I've seen many of my brothers on this board improve. They have done it by different means. Some are religious and some are not. We all come here though to draw strength from one another and work one day at a time on recovering from this awful addiction. There is much wisdom here and if you stay faithful to the process you will find much commrodary here. My best wishes are with you and I look forward to getting to know you and to watching you grow just as many have before us!
Peace, Disciple
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Zed
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Posts: 101
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Post by Zed on Jan 16, 2007 11:43:07 GMT -5
Tuesday morning. Clean. It's funny how at times like this writing seems pointless, like I should only write out of guilt, you know? In other words, if I'm not struggling, I feel like there's no need to write. But I'm writing write now in spite of that impulse... one should write as a preventative.
Early last week (after having gone about two weeks sober) I was listening to music on an iPod and a song began playing that I only listen to occassionally– one of my favorite worship songs. (Every New Day, by Five Iron Frenzy) Being clean, I found that the song was so much more powerful than it is when I listen to it out of guilt. I thought to myself, "The listen to this song only upon occassion because I usually listen to it as a response to guilt, but how much more powerful is it to listen to the song out of gratefulness?"
It gave me something to strive for. I want to be clean so I can feel the grater power of worship. Contrasting those two attitudes, I realized how a spiritual path really "looks," how our perspectives change as we pursue holiness.
So... day one. Today is my day to recommit to purity. I've only been awake for two hours and so far have been alright. I like to begin each day by reading blogs and finding encouragement, this SupportBoard is so helpful!
Take time to remind yourself, "Why do I want to quit?"
-Ben
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Post by freshstart on Jan 16, 2007 13:02:47 GMT -5
Hey Ben, Welcome to the board. It can be tough to get the first few days, but once you have a little sobriety, you mind starts to think a little bit more clearly, and then you can see how great sobriety is.
You mention that you use P to binge because you don't have a venure to vent emotionally. Why don't you use this board for that. Noone is here to judge you. Everybody is here because they have an addiction themselves. So no matter what you write (just not too much explicit detail please), nobody will be shocked. I can guarantee you that someone else on this board has done exactly what you have done.
Often when you let go of your secrets you realise that they were not quite as bad as you thought they were.
Best of luck,
FS
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Post by MJ on Jan 16, 2007 19:08:50 GMT -5
Hey Ben, Glad to see you've started a recovery journal, and thank you for posting in my journal today. I can totally identify with what you're talking about---the need to CONNECT; the need to talk things out. Some of my journal entries have gotten a little "graphic"---but hey, it's YOUR journal and that's what the trigger button is for. I joined this board back in June. I guess I'm proof that SOMETHING is working or else I wouldn't still be here. All I can say is that since joining this board, my life has changed in ways I never thought it would. I'm not talking about huge things here---but subtle things, and sometimes not-so-subtle things. Feel free to continue flipping through the pages of my journal. It's gotten quite long, but I love to write and I find that it's often the only way that I can shed my feelings. I also keep a handwritten journal that predates this online one. Also, feel free to PM me at any time. Remember that we're all in the same boat here and that we're all feeling how you feel. So welcome, and I hope you stick around! Peace bro, MJ
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Zed
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Posts: 101
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Post by Zed on Jan 16, 2007 19:31:03 GMT -5
I can't believe I'm doing this right now. I seriously can't believe I'm doing this. By the way, just so that there's clarity about the purpose of my journal, I haven't been hesitant to write because I'm afraid to "reveal myself," I've been hesitant to write because I've been afraid of revealing "too much," if you know what I mean. Freshstart used the words "explicit detail." The thing is, I'm so comfortable about talking about my addiction or porn or whatever that I feel I have to be cautious not to say too much. Specifically, I've been hesitant to write on my other blog because it's a "general audiences" blog and people like... oh, i don't know, my aunt... might not want to hear about how I slipped last week. I believe that telling people can be liberating but if we tell people for our own benefit ("we" being the group of porn addicts) then we might not see how telling someone really isn't benefitting the relationship or the person your talking to. It depends on the relationship, of course, but in general I know I need to ask myself why I'm telling who I'm telling what I'm telling. (that sentence makes me smile.)
So anyway, I'm defintely here to vent emotionally and talk about what's really on my mind, even more so to read about other people's minds. Thank you for welcoming me. I've found that nothing really works better than having fellowship with people who are definitely serious about getting over te addiction. In the real world, I'm not around enough said people.
So I began by saying that "I can't believe I'm doing this." I can't believe I'm blogging right now! I actually got online to look at pornography... like I said, the most difficult part is reinitiating my effort after a slip... but before typing in a porn url, I came here to see if I had any comments. (After seeing that I had no email) I didn't have any comments, which actually intensified my temptation, but somehow I convinced myself to blog. I said, "I'll just TRY to blog and once I can say I've TRIED, I'll look at porn." Of course, the underlying tactic is to use blogging to relieve the impulse.
I'm going to let the addict in me say something now. (beware of triggers) "I still want to look at porn. I really do, with the reason being that I messed up yesterday and today won't make any difference. I can imagine the images and the more I type the more I feel I should delelte what I'm writing so I can free my mind a conscious and let myself 'go.'"
On the other hand, I'm trying to think about what else I have to get done instead. I need to plan for my independent study tomorrow and I need to write some thank you letters. In an hour I can probably strat making dinner. In my free time tonight, I can call a friend that I haven't seen since before the break. I have my reading to do and I know I would probably like to make some cocoa or coffee and warm up to my book. As a matter of fact, just imagining the things I should do is making me want to do them... so I think I will. Perhaps I will begin with a bit of meditation to gain an upperhand. So that's pretty much my tactic for today.
Take time to remind YOURself, "Why do I want to quit?"
-Ben
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Zed
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Posts: 101
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Post by Zed on Jan 16, 2007 21:09:12 GMT -5
Ahh! I don't understand myself! Here's what happened. I wrote the above entry, quit the browser, grabbed a book and sat down to read/ do homewrok. Fatal flaw: I didn't turn OFF the computer. Result: I lasted, like, ten minutes.
As a matter of fact, I got back on the computer, logged back in to the SupportBoard, and re-read my entry just to remind myself of my so-called "priorities." I didn't even finish the entry before I simply said, "(expletive) it, I want to take care of my top-most priority right NOW." So I did.
I'm actually quite stunned. I'm never THAT bad. I feel like the biggest loser... I ended up sitting there, just thinking, "Wow, I suck." It's actually kind of scary. Here I've been: day after day of "Day One," and I CAN'T finish it. I don't know what the problem is: is it just that it's really NOT important to me to stop? is it just that I interrupted a binge and I'm still trying to fulfill what I started and fell I still physically NEED? Is it simply that I haven't thoroughly thought through my tactics?
Fortunately, I know I'm unlikely to look up porn again today, but I can't help but ask myself, "How can I distinguish tomorrow from today?"
I can only think of one thing. I have a friend to whom I can give this laptop for safe keeping. I usually hate giving up my computer because it doesn't help me, it usually just forces me to find new resources, but if I get rid of it for a single day or perhaps two (since I haven't gone two whole days in a week) I won't be able to continue tempting myself with, "What's the big deal? I screwed up YESTERDAY."
Jeez, I HATE giving up my computer... it's terribly inconvenient...
...
Alright. I've made up my mind. I have the school's computer lab to keep in contact with my professors, check the board and take care of essential matters... after I hit "Post Reply" I'm delivering this to my friend. The plan is two days... I can have it back on Thursday night. Please pray that this helps.
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Post by MJ on Jan 17, 2007 6:35:23 GMT -5
Hey Ben,
Don't beat yourself up over acting out. Remember that we're addicted to this stuff, so it's often not as easy as simply saying "I won't do it EVER again." I can tell that you are really committed to getting rid of this addiction. Keep posting---and remember that you do NOT suck.
Keep hanging in there, bro!
MJ
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Zed
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Posts: 101
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Post by Zed on Jan 17, 2007 19:16:38 GMT -5
That was quoted on MJ's blog... I like it so much that it's now quoted on mine So I'm writing from a school computer lab now. It's definitely helping to have given up my computer. It kinda feels like I'm on vacation, you know? Like I can relax and refresh. Temptation is definitely present, but not feeling like I have the immediate capability to act on it, I kinda just blow it off. It's funny how, when I have a computer, "blowing it off" becomes a much more complicated matter: "The computer is RIGHT THERE, no one's around, you have at least an hour of privacy!" "No." That's how I would like the internal conversation to go... instead I get the response... "The computer is STILL right there and you STILL have 59 minutes of privacy... you're running out of time!" And that's how the story of the New Year temptation has been so far. I'm going to take off now, fortunately, without a computer, I can focus on some reading. I need to read some plays for an independent study. It's funny. Yesterday, after giving up the computer, I sat down to write a list of the plays I should read. As soon as I had a concreter list of tasks, I felt completely refreshed. An hour prior to that moment, I knew I had to "do some reading," but it was just a thought, so instead I looked at porn. All of a sudden, the list of goals set me in "task-oriented mode" and I realized that even if I had a computer, it would be easier to refuse temptation when I had something concrete to focus on. I'll have to see how that works when I get my computer back. Take time to remind YOURself, "Why do I want to quit?"
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Post by MJ on Jan 17, 2007 20:50:49 GMT -5
Hey Ben, Thanks for stopping by in my journal. I really appreciate your comments. It's so liberating not to have your computer for awhile, isn't it? This past weekend I was away on a trip and had no internet access at all. Actually, if I had wanted to check my email I could have, but I just didn't feel like it. It was so nice not to have to worry about computer stuff. Too bad our culture is so computer-dependent now. Anyways, keep up the good work and keep checking in. Peace, MJ
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Zed
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Posts: 101
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Post by Zed on Jan 18, 2007 12:35:14 GMT -5
No, thank YOU MJ, for stopping in on mine. Having readers and commentary is so encouraging to me!
This morning I got up, made breakfast, and sat down to read. I read for about an hour before I was starting to think more about p than I was thinking about the book. It was kinda scary because I knew I wanted to take my computer back this afternoon and I didn't want to already have a preemptive acting-out plan. Anyway, I bookmarked my reading, packed my backpack and headed to school, where I am now, after having caught up on all the boards and feeling much better and way encouraged.
The plan tonight is to pick up my computer late in the evening. I have an assignment on it that I should email in, but then I'll turn it off to help me finish the day sober today and tomorrow I'll allow myself to actually use it.
Gotta go to class! Take time to remind YOURself, "Why do I want to quit?"
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Post by MJ on Jan 18, 2007 15:18:27 GMT -5
Hey Ben,
Thanks again for stopping by in my journal. Feedback is so important in this struggle, especially because it's not something that we can easily talk about with other people.
Keep taking things one day at a time---and don't get discouraged if there are a few bumps along the way.
Also, it might help to do some reading up on the nature of this addiction (if you haven't already). Two good books to start with are "In the Shadows of the Net" and "Out of the Shadows" both by Patrick Carnes. I ordered them on amazon.com back in September and I still refer to them today. They really help you understand how this addiction works.
Anyways, keep up the good work and stay strong.
Peace bro, MJ
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Zed
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Posts: 101
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Post by Zed on Jan 19, 2007 17:01:09 GMT -5
Frustrated...
I'm alone in my room and I have to do some homework. I really want to type it but I know I'm tempted so I'm just going to shut down my computer and write out my homework.
A pleasant reminder: In only three hours, I will have gone 72 hours. The first 72 are always the hardest, and soon they'll be out of my way!
Take time to remind YOURself, "Why do I want to quit?"
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Zed
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Posts: 101
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Post by Zed on Jan 19, 2007 20:46:54 GMT -5
I am beginning to discover something about myself. I am beginning to discover that I am either intimidated or afraid of my desire for pornography. I have had, as of late, one of the most difficult periods of attemptive quitting that I can remember. Normally, once I've decided "it's time to quit." I can stop for about two solid weeks with barely even a problem. Lately I've had a tremendous trouble just getting to 72 hours.
By the way, in case you're wondering, I made the 72hours... and then I failed. It was a pretty (expletive)y experiece. I kept telling myself: "just wait until you hit the 72 hours mark." It's what you might call the Postponement Technique, I'm sure you know what I mean.
Well anyway, unlike someone who procrastinates with homework and then forgets to do it, in this case I did it right when I was "supposed to," meaning I went for 72 hours– almost exactly– then "slipped." But honestly, that wasn't a "slip" that was definitely deliberate and planned. I had lost before I even started.
Anyway, unlike last time, I'm not really kicking myself for it because it has become apparent that this is ojne of the most complicated struggles I've ever had. It's like I've gotten so far out of control I can't even hold myself accountable.
There are two things that distinguish this instance from other instances, when it has been easier to quit. First, this is the first time I've ever used a "Support Board" for help. Secondly, it's normally easier to commit to several days of sobriety if I've recently hit rock bottom. But this time I haven't hit rock bottom, I just keep bouncing back.
I'll have to admit, it's occured to me that because of reason #1, I thought: "Well maybe if I stop TALKING about porn all the time and leave the SupportBoard, I'll do better." but then I realized that the SupportBoard is what has kept me from hitting rock bottom. Even though I'm consistently looking at porn daily, this "binge" isn't half as bad as "rock-bottom binges" when I look at porn three to four or more times a day. As a matter of fact, so far this year (and so far since I've joined) the most times I've MB'ed to porn in a day has been twice, and that only happened once.
So the "pro" is that I'm not wastying AS MUCH time looking at porn in a single day, but the CON is that it feels this binge is being prolonged.
Anyway, going back to my original epiphany: I think I'm afraid of my attraction to porn. The times when I am the weakest are the times when I feel overpowered. I begin to recognize that the desire is MORE THAN I CAN SUPRESS. Because I recognize I can no longer SUPPRESS it, I act out.
As a result, the more I act out, the stronger the urge, so it continues to go out of control... until I hit rock bottom.
I began this blog by asking what the best technique was, since "suppresion" meant certain failure. I think I have an answer and we'll see what happens: I think I need to recognize that YES, I actually DO want to look at porn. I need to stop PRETENDING that I don't (suppressing) and accept the power of my desire. I need to "face my fears" so to speak, and THEN, once I embrace the desire, I can dominate over it, I can have ownership of my passions and control them: therefore, it becomes a decision of "Yes, I do WANT to look, but no I won't."
I actually don't think that sounds like it makes any sense. It's really just a matter of perspective and furthermore, it's an epiphany... so what makes sense to me doesn't necesarily make sense to YOU, but like I said, next time temptation arrives... we'll see what happens.
Remind yourself, "why?"
-Ben
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Zed
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Post by Zed on Jan 19, 2007 21:10:05 GMT -5
I just read that off of another journal and (as a virgin,) I really like it. I mean, just the thought: My hormones have been lying to me.
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