Zed
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Post by Zed on Oct 26, 2007 11:55:12 GMT -5
DAY ONE
Last night I went out dancing. When I got home it was about 1:30am. I hadn't eaten dinner so I fixed myself something to eat. Afterwards, I should have gone to bed, but I turned on my computer and watched a television episode on iTunes. You know what came next. I had a glass of wine with my dinner. I have a history of riding my buzz on masturbation – if I'm home alone. I saw terrible pictures last night. I feel ashamed today. Yesterday appeared to be such a beautiful day to me all day long until that evening. It was about three o'clock at night. I'm having trouble even forgiving myself today, but of course, I need to start somewhere if I'm ever going to progress. I'm just going to be as productive as I can possible be today and carry the Spirit with me.
Today is a day of mourning. That's what I feel. A day of mourning for betraying the commitment I made yesterday. I've asked for forgiveness though, and I know God will set me free.
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Zed
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Post by Zed on Oct 27, 2007 9:41:21 GMT -5
DAY ONE
You can't fight for or against an action, only a cause. Forgiveness means nothing if there's no reason behind it.
This is how I feel after yesterday. I began the day with the above entry, written mostly out of guilt, and I ended the day repeating the same mistake (to a 't' actually.) Thing is, I'm not externally motivated. What I mean by "externally" as opposed to "internally" is that none of my reasoning exists beyond my emotions. When my emotions change, so does my perspective and motivation.
So what am I going to do today? What's the reason? Well, first I'm going to read some of my past entries...
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Zed
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Post by Zed on Oct 27, 2007 9:50:04 GMT -5
I want to be done with this. I'm going to take inventory of myself: my strengths and my weaknesses. Weakness I am not as disciplined as I may have once characterized myself I allow myself to be lonely, letting the world pas by without interacting in it, absorbed in my addiction I justify my negative behaviors as a result of loneliness I allow my addiction to manage how I spend my time I often disregard my commitments I let my goal for myself - my vision - go cloudy
Strengths I am determined I am aware of my situation have have a motivation and a reason to change it I am committed to this change On the other side of the clouds, I have a vision
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Zed
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Post by Zed on Oct 27, 2007 9:59:00 GMT -5
As I'm sitting here, thinking of a cause, several ideas occur to me: to fight for "control", to fight for "independence," to fight against the "objectification of women." I think I fight for "freedom". Currently I am enslaved, and every time I "choose" to masturbate without recognizing this fact is giving up my freedom. I think I'm making a "free" dicision, but it can't be, because the decision is always based upon how my addiction makes me feel. Is it possible to decide to masturbate as a "free" man? Maybe... but I think I'm far from understanding that.
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Zed
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Posts: 101
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Post by Zed on Oct 30, 2007 6:03:33 GMT -5
DAY THREE
For freedom...
Well, it feels good to see a number greater that "one" in my title again. It occurred to me this morning that I had the time and desirable circumstances to masturbate this morning, and then I realized, "wait, it's finally day three, I need to commit!"
November is close at hand. Going for a full month has always been a goal of mine. I can't say that I haven't done it in years – because I did do it earlier this year – but at the end of one month I always see the opportunity to go for the entirety of another.
It's time to prepare myself. This is what I want. I also know that I am able to go two weeks without having to MB, so I'm going to aim for that as well if it gives me a boost. No pornography for all of November: I can do this. I can do this. I want this. I want this. I can do this. I CAN do this. I WILL do this. This IS what I am going to do. This IS it. I can do this...
For freedom...
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Zed
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Post by Zed on Oct 30, 2007 6:05:43 GMT -5
I also don't want to forget to describe the tension that I feel.
I am currently running on a schedule that gives me JUST enough time to do what I have to get done and so far I've conveniently had very little free time. Part of the importance of prepping myself is to be ready for when I DO break routine, when something unexpected DOES happen...
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Zed
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Post by Zed on Oct 30, 2007 15:33:17 GMT -5
I feel tension and a little bit of temptation. The tension is definitely rooted in exhaustion. It's the time in the afternoon when I really feel like I should take a nap, but I have class in 30 and I really don't have the time – lest I be groggy right before class. I've made a cup of coffee. I feel like I should do a little homework before class, but it would probably be a better idea to unwind...
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Zed
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Posts: 101
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Post by Zed on Oct 31, 2007 7:48:04 GMT -5
DAY FOUR
Man, I'm really screwed up. No, it's not from the addiction. It's that my feelings have been really inconsistent. I can't get on a regular schedule. I'm sporadic in being really tired then really hungry then wide awake but then tired again ad full... I wish I could get on a regular schedule (and I'm currently doing everything I can to do so) but at 4:00 in the afternoon, when I randomly feel like eating dinner, I find I can't hold off until 7:00, when I regularly eat.
The reason this is a problem is because, like yesterday, some discomfort can trigger temptation. ESPECIALLY exhaustion. But right now, I simply CAN NOT get on a regular sleep schedule. Yesterday I was so tired I could have fallen over – at 7:30 in the evening!! I also have these stupid classes that run from 5 to 7 so at 4:00 I can NEVER take a nap. I drink so much coffee it's sickening.
But anyway, today I'm going to stay in touch with my feelings in order to guard my purity and hopefully I can get a nap in if I have to.
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Zed
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Posts: 101
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Post by Zed on Nov 1, 2007 9:07:44 GMT -5
DAY FIVE
Last night I did something unbelievable. Last night I went to a Halloween party, had a fantastic time, drank more than I should have, and on the way home rented some movies to keep me company while I sobered up before going to bed. I watched Spider-Man 3 in the wee hours of the night – alone– and put down the temptation to look at porn!!!
If you haven't been reading my journal long enough to know me, this is a huge accomplishment. Drunkeness and pornography are consistently partners in crime for me. I guess I would say looking at pornography is my "favorite" thing to do when I'm drunk and alone. The temptation, as usual, was present all night long, but somehow, I was able to focus on my goal of becoming "free" and IN SPITE OF THE FACT THAT IT WAS STILL OCTOBER (I made a goal to go without porn for the month of NOVEMBER) I was able to COMMIT!!!
This is a huge encouragement to me. So, today is November first and let's not forget it. This is the month... FREEDOM MONTH! I'm excited.
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Zed
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Posts: 101
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Post by Zed on Nov 2, 2007 6:47:13 GMT -5
DAY SIX
I feel exceptionally small amount of tension today... that's a good thing. I definitely feel like the struggle I had yesterday and on Halloween was worth it – it's november 2nd!
Really, I don't know what to write about today. (Such are the effects of reduced tension.)
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Zed
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Posts: 101
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Post by Zed on Nov 5, 2007 6:51:47 GMT -5
DAY NINE
Wow, I can't believe it's day nine already. The weekend just past effortlessly. Today I feel good too. Well, except I woke up with a subconjunctival hemorrhage. (Blood around the white part of the eye.) But really, these past several days have been great. At this point, it's probably important to realize that I'm going to have a withdrawal in approximately four days. (The regular, two-week withdrawal.) The withdrawal will last at least three days and pornography will be the only thing I can think of. It's best to start preparing for it now... I don't really no how to prepare for a withdrawal because I've never tried to do it before. Today I will meditate and pray and I guess we'll just see how it goes.
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Zed
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Posts: 101
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Post by Zed on Nov 6, 2007 19:26:38 GMT -5
DAY TEN
Three days until my withdrawal. (Three, of course, is an estimation.) Today I definitely feel like looking at some pictures would be a pleasurable thing to do, but right now I know better and the temptation is far from overwhelming. I'm a little concerned right now. I know that within the next week I have an exam in the hardest class I've ever taken. This means I'll be studying all week long, this means I'll be under pressure and strain all week long and ultimately, I'll be highly susceptible to a fall. I need to be ready for this. I need to be ready to give myself time to rest, I need to be ready for a weekend during which I'm sure I'll be feeling inactive and in NEED of some self-gratification. The temptation and the timing are going to be just right. I'll need to plan on getting out of the house all weekend long to avoid long periods of time in front of the computer.
Yes, I'll definitely make it through this evening, but I hope I can prepare myself for the week to come.
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Zed
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Posts: 101
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Post by Zed on Nov 10, 2007 9:25:13 GMT -5
DAY FOURTEEN
Wow, I didn't realize it's been an entire four days without journaling. I can understand why though, I've been SO busy. On Tuesday I have a test and between homework, studying, and tutoring I haven't had time for anything else.
So today (day fourteen) is the day I typically predict a withdrawal: the kind of withdrawal that has me begging for P. This morning, however, I gotta say that I'm really not feeling it. I'm not sure why, but I suppose it's because in the past I have a withdrawal when I'm fasting from porn and masturbation whereas today I'm fasting from just porn.
So time goes on and I'm still going strong. There's not a lot more to say. I praise God though, I will say that.
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Zed
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Posts: 101
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Post by Zed on Nov 16, 2007 20:48:01 GMT -5
DAY TWENTY
' Been journaling less because there's been little to report: no withdrawal and minimal strain. I think the withdrawal is here - or on it's way. We've coming up on three weeks, so it makes sense. I'm writing now as a means of preparation. I would like to prepare myself for what could be three days (the whole weekend) of terrible withdrawal 'side effects,' which I'm sure any of my readers may understand. I'll be writing all weekend.
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Zed
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Post by Zed on Nov 18, 2007 14:32:05 GMT -5
DAY TWENTY-TWO
Judging from the lack of comments in my journal, I'd don't actually think anyone has been reading me, but if someone is, in fact, reading this entry, I want start by saying that the following entry is quite honest and maybe considered discouraging to some readers, as it talks about "compromising" my commitment, and I know some users in this forum may not approve of such a compromise.
Basically, (if you're unaware) I permit myself to masturbate, as long as I don't look at pornography. I know I am not alone in this, however, I've recently been experiencing withdrawal. With the withdrawal comes the "need" to "relieve myself" more frequently. The problem I've been having lately is that it's really hard for me to masturbate without a lubricant... and I don't have one. In the past, because I've always masturbated to pornography, finding a lubricant hasn't been a difficult thing to do because I can always come across a "natural" lubricant, if you know what I mean. Without pornography, a natural lubricant is hard to come by... I might be preaching to the choir by explaining this, but its a necessary introduction to my problem.
The problem is: today, in order to get a natural lubricant, I looked up some semi-nude pictures of women. On the one hand, it's NOT pornography, on the other hand, it still has a sort of addictive lure. In my state of withdrawal, I justified this action, and in hindsight, I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do. If I continue using semi-nude picture, I'll without a doubt be drawn back into pornography... I guess the alternative is just buying lubricant, but that's not a habit I want to get into.
As I'm writing this, I'm finding that the heard of the issue is that I'll need to have a lubricant if I want to commit to masturbating without pornography and the only trouble I'm having is that I have very little experience with it and I'm sort of uncomfortable using it. Maybe that's kinda ridiculous... I don't know. I do know that I need to confess to looking at pictures, and I need to once again reinstate my commitment during this time of withdrawal.
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