Zed
Full Member
Posts: 101
|
Post by Zed on Oct 7, 2007 7:56:01 GMT -5
DAY TWO I didn't journal yesterday, but I did get a lot of work done so that I have today "off." I've made it a goal of mine to be strict about leaving the "Sabbath" as a day of rest. I need it to revitalize and to relief the stress that can sometimes overwhelm me until it becomes a huge factor in temptation.
Today I want to pray for all the pornstars that I've ever hurt. Today I pray that God will soften my heart towards them and bring me to see them as people. Today is a time for healing and preparation for the week ahead of me.
|
|
Zed
Full Member
Posts: 101
|
Post by Zed on Oct 9, 2007 7:50:22 GMT -5
DAY FOUR
Yesterday, and this morning, I used images to get off. I wanted to masturbate but I felt like I couldn't do it with a little "boost." So I went online, looked at only a few pictures, then signed of and MB'd. Honestly, I would rather do this than MB directly to pornography, but this isn't a good direction to take. How can I soften my heart to porn stars I've "hurt" if I'm still abusing their images in fantasy?
Here's my view on MB: Everyone I know MBs... well, not every one. But the very FEW guys I DO know at my age who don't MB are totally different. It's doesn't seem like they're especially disciplined, more like they have a testosterone deficiency. So because I'm not like that and more like everyone else, I've basically accepted that I'm going to masturbate whether I want to or not.
I've heard some people say that MB is fine as long as you don't think about sex. I disagree. MB is physically a sexual act, so what would be the point of mentally avoiding the sexual nature of MB if you follow through physically?
So my concern isn't whether or not I can or am thinking about sex, but the fact that I think about actual photographs. Also, the fact that the photographs are so addicting (while MB on it's own, for me, is not) I'm not sure if it's just natural or if it's a bad habit I've developed, but it seems I CAN'T masturbate WITHOUT photos. Frequently, the temptation is to just "get it over with" by using SOME sort of physical image to get off.
My goal is to have MB under control and contained – contained within myself with no outside "resources." But never in my life have I gone a whole week of masturbation without once using pictures.
|
|
Zed
Full Member
Posts: 101
|
Post by Zed on Oct 10, 2007 7:39:54 GMT -5
DAY FIVE
As I was scanning the forum, looking for mine, I had to make up a reason to write today. See, I'm a little frustrated because I tried to masturbate this morning (without pictures) and I couldn't do it. That makes me want to look at porn SO BADLY. So after signing on I wondered, "is there anything I have to say that can keep me from looking at porn directly afterwards?"
When I read the recording of my strengths and weakness, and I read how I consider myself liable to give up commitment in the face of temptation, I'm affected. Then I remember the theme of my blog: "Day One, Everyday." If I have ever giving up masturbation for a single day, isn't today nothing more than a single day itself? So what makes it so dificult, so frustrating? Maybe this isn't "DAY FIVE." Maybe I should think of this as "DAY ONE." Afterall, it's not anymore significant or impossible as any other day, right?
I also pray, once again, that God will soften my heart towards the porn stars.
|
|
Zed
Full Member
Posts: 101
|
Post by Zed on Oct 11, 2007 7:52:11 GMT -5
DAY SIX
I'm just going to treat today like it's day one. I've already committed to not masturbating today. As part of my goal (from day four) to keep masturbation controlled, I've decided that practicing restriction is a good way to keep it from controlling me. I have an agenda for the entire day: enough to keep me busy, productive, and practice discipline. I also pray that God will soften my heart towards the names of the porn stars. That their names will bring me compassion, instead of temptation.
|
|
Zed
Full Member
Posts: 101
|
Post by Zed on Oct 13, 2007 0:00:24 GMT -5
DAY SEVEN
I'm only doing this because I've committed to it. Otherwise, I can't even think of a reason to sign on and once again commit to another day of purity. I'm really, really, REALLY having a hard time. Women are so BEAUTIFUL!! Why is that so irresistable? Why is that the only thing I can think of? I have so many excuses right now to just give in and look at porn. God, I'm tempted right now. I've also been watching movies for the last four hours and I'm really tired so instead of going with what I FEEL, I'm going to somehow fall back on what I KNOW and leave pornography alone for a while. I'm going to sleep. I'll think about it tonight and I'll deal with it in the morning when I can think clearer. I guess one things for sure, I don't want to do something I'll regret just because I'm not thinking clearly.
|
|
Zed
Full Member
Posts: 101
|
Post by Zed on Oct 13, 2007 13:58:14 GMT -5
DAY EIGHT
Yes, I am addicted to pornography. I had an espresso this afternoon, which made me a little hyperactive, then antsy, then horny. I tried to masturbate, but I couldn't. All I could think of were the pictures I was lacking, but instead of going online to get some, I read some articles about addiction. One of them said that masturbation is natural so if you can't masturbate without pornography, you're definitely addicted. Well, I don't want to be addicted, so I didn't look at porn.
I definitely need to pray today that God will take this from me and soften my heart towards the porn stars and models because as I was walking home, I could feel my heart hardening. It's only been eight days and I can't ever remember wanting it so bad in such a short amount of time. That may be an indicator that this is the most active I have ever been in trying to fight it.
|
|
Zed
Full Member
Posts: 101
|
Post by Zed on Oct 16, 2007 17:07:12 GMT -5
DAY ELEVEN
I went two days without masturbating at all. Perhaps I could have gone today, but I really wanted to masturbate in order to regulate constancy. I know that sounds ridiculous, but really, my thought process is that if I mb today, I won't have a withdrawal tomorrow. Once again, I really wanted/needed to look at pictures and I'm proud to say I resisted. I definitely feel a little softer toward the pornstars and models, but I would like to wait until at least day fourteen before I run over their names and begin to pray for forgiveness individually.
I feel a sense of control returning to me. I remind myself that I was a slave to pornography and it helps me maintain my standard. At times I think, with the approach I'm taking, this may very well be the last effort I have to make... this might be the one.
Nevertheless, tomorrow is just another day, right?
|
|
Zed
Full Member
Posts: 101
|
Post by Zed on Oct 16, 2007 18:27:18 GMT -5
This just in, masturbating for relief wasn't an awesome idea. I think I actually feel more of a strain now than I did before. I'm going to meditate for a little while to ease my stress level, then tomorrow I'm going to chill out and not worry about "regulation."
|
|
Zed
Full Member
Posts: 101
|
Post by Zed on Oct 17, 2007 6:21:52 GMT -5
DAY TWELVE
I can feel myself breaking. I wonder if it's just a consequence of yesterday or if yesterday was a consequence of breaking too. Last night, late at night, I looked at some pictures. It was one of those times where I looked at the photos for just a little while, then I went to the bathroom and did my thing.
Part of me says I can commit to asking for forgiveness again, swearing off the pictures and maintaining this high standard I have. the other part of me hardly wants to do this anymore. I keep thinking about how unsatisfied I am. How, for some reason, for someone else it's "totally natural" to masturbate or look at porn while I have this standard of restricting it. Also, have I said that I'm a virgin? That drives me crazy. I've always wanted to save myself for someone I really cared about, but I've never "really cared" about anyone before. So I go on waiting and waiting... So many people around me have experienced or are able to experience something that I've been denying myself in any and every form for my entire life. I need SOME way out! You know? I can't just disallow myself any and all access to sex because I've chosen to remain single. It's driving me mad!
(This is definitely one of those entries that sounds stupid and just goes on and on ranting. I'm not happy with entries like this, but sometimes, it's what I need.)
Why am I giving this up I'm not giving this up because I'm against it, because I think it's a sin, or any other reason more than because I've been a SLAVE to it. If I compare myself to anyone else, I may not be considering that either any other person isn't as enslaved by it as I've been or they're unaware of their shackles. I AM aware of mine and I DO want to cast them off.
I say things like, "I don't know how much longer I can go on like this...." But I know the answer: I HAVE to go on forever.
...
Today is "day one."
|
|
Zed
Full Member
Posts: 101
|
Post by Zed on Oct 18, 2007 6:46:45 GMT -5
DAY THIRTEEN
If it wasn't for my entry yesterday, I doubt I could have gone the entire day clean. I think I can do it again today. It's amazing what regular business can do for you, just by providing a distraction. Last night was a bit difficult, but I remembered that I don't have to be a slave to it if I don't want to. I also thought about how empowering it is to be free, there's so much more strength in freedom, so much more I can stand against. Today is day one... for freedom.
|
|
Zed
Full Member
Posts: 101
|
Post by Zed on Oct 20, 2007 6:54:44 GMT -5
DAY FIFTEEN
After two weeks I think I can actually fell and tell a difference in my ability yo ration. Last night (and the night before) I used pictures in preparation to MB. Unlike times before, however, I used a LOT of pictures.
Using pictures really just helps me spur a fantasy. It doesn't feel half as bad as actually using porn as I ejaculate. Nevertheless, I rather NOT ever refer to pictures – before I mb, after I mb, at all – because I know t doesn't soften my heart.
I ask myself if I can really say I'm surprised by my behavior. When I say I can actually feel my rationale going – I mean it. Lately I've really been taking advantage of women I encounter on the street, just by lusting for them. It seemed like a small thing at first, I guess. I mean, I wasn't even aware I was doing it until I stopped to reflect last night after mbing and realized it has gotten progressively worse.
I am going to move forward But this time I'm going to be a little more cognizant of how I lust in day-to-day life; I'll write about it here.
I really need God's help at this point. I need him to give me the ability to get over the physical effects and anxiety of a withdrawal and enable me to think! Today is day one...
|
|
Zed
Full Member
Posts: 101
|
Post by Zed on Oct 22, 2007 8:40:36 GMT -5
DAY SEVENTEEN
I didn't really pull through on Saturday. I mean... I did, but it was once again the mb thing when I look at pictures, retain the "information" and then mb. I used this method on Sunday too. Today I feel fine. I mean, this weekend I was just overwhelmed with temptation... today: fine. I think it's the "guy period" thing. Like every too weeks, I feel like I'm going to explode. Anyway, I want to be porn AND mb free today. I also need to keep track of how much I do or don't admire women on the street. That always seems to precede a binge.
Let's keep track of this. Days: Seventeen Days since last error: One.
|
|
Zed
Full Member
Posts: 101
|
Post by Zed on Oct 24, 2007 7:51:25 GMT -5
DAY ZERO
I gave. And thank goodness for it too. Towards the end there, I wasn't pure at all, even though I was still counting. I basically gave in because I had been making excused and making more excuses. Now I need the integrity to begin again. I was going to begin again this morning, but – as you can see by the title of this entry – I didn't.
Focusing on today, I need to get through the whole day, just to live with myself. I'm ALWAYS saying things like, "Well, since today doesn't count anymore, I guess it's not a big deal to masturbate (again.)"
That's not going to happen today.
|
|
Zed
Full Member
Posts: 101
|
Post by Zed on Oct 25, 2007 4:33:02 GMT -5
If you falter in times of trouble, how small is your strength? Proverbs 24:10
|
|
Zed
Full Member
Posts: 101
|
Post by Zed on Oct 25, 2007 4:54:04 GMT -5
DAY ONE
...and what a lovely day it is today. I don't know why, but for some reason I am just overcome with the Spirit this morning. I feel fantastic. I don't have any thoughts of discouragement or doubt; temptation seems so far away from me this morning. This is how it should be every day. Oh, God is good. All the time. All the time, God is good.
|
|