Day One, Everyday

[MJ]

Hey Ben,

Good post. One of the most striking things I've discovered about recovery is how much introspection I've done about myself and this addiction. For years, I never even realized that I was an addiction. How crazy is that?! I knew that I was continuing to fall into the same pattern of binging and then abstaining, but the frequency was becoming more and more.

I, like, you DO like to look at p. I like to mb too. What I DON'T like, however, is everything else that comes along with these acts. Try as I might, the guilt and despair never disappear. So many times in the past, right before acting out I've said to myself, "Okay, no more guilt, no more feeling like crap after watching p and mb'ing. It's okay to do and it's natural. Whatever." WRONG. When the excitement was all done, and I was left with the post-binge hangover, I felt like sh-t again and again.

I think it's great that you're writing about your struggles here in this journal. Continue doing so because it helps.

Remember that you're not alone in this struggle and that we're all here fighting with you.

Peace bro,
MJ

[ghodge5]

I think the best thing is to remember is not to fuel the despair that you have with more negative thoughts. It is hard to think positively when you see all the horrible things that people can do and put yourself on a pedistal that really is just an excuse to be horrible in other ways. I guess what I am saying is don't beat yourself up when you slip. Keep busy first. You will never win if you keep having the same routine that you did when you were a full blown addict. Trust that you will never be as bad as you once were without putting yourself on a high horse. Just know it takes true discipline and time. Once you meet someone special and you have an understanding you won't have this problem. You will be so much more ready for a true relationship and P will be a thing of the past. Nothing in life is easy. We all have problems and those problems fuel anger and we escape in different ways. Everything in moderation is the key. Don't endulge in any other thing. Keep it all level.

[MJ]

Hey Ben, how's it going?
---MJ

[Zed]

Hey, so if you haven't noticed... I've been gone. It wasn't because I was out of town or anything, it was because lust was consuming me. Everything I was doing related to lust. If I wasn't looking at pornography, I was writing about it or reading about it. Since I've joined the Support Board, I've tried really hard to keep up with everyone's journals; most people write everyday. It felt like my habit (of reading journals) was exhausting me, and I wanted to see how well I could do if I eased off... so I immediately abandoned the board without any warning.

In the last two weeks, (since I journaled last) I looked at pornography three times. What's even better is that the last time I looked at any porn was SIX DAYS ago... This is day six!

So let me tell you what's happened: After masturbating soon after my last entry, I thought to myself, "What am I doing? I don't even like this."

And then I realized, who am I to say "I don't even like this," immediately after doing it? OBVIOUSLY, saying something like that has no credibility in that moment. For that statement to be true, I need to agree to it BEFORE I act out.

So I created a new technique: have a piece of graphing paper. Every single time I'm tempted, I write the date in a box. Writing the date signifies "I don't like this and I want to give it up." That way, I can look at the paper like a calendar and see how many times I was tempted on a given day and how many times I refused the temptation. There have been some days when I'm tempted and I didn't make that decision– or at least– not until AFTER I slip. On those instances, I write the date in blue ink.

Unlike the "Calendar technique"– recording each DAY I'm clean– I now record each INSTANCE of temptation. It makes it look like I've come a lot further and feel like I get more "credit" for tough days. So it's been about sixteen days and I've been tempted a little more than thirty times. I succumbed to temptation three times.

Today is day six now and the only reason I have for making it this far is because I am no longer allowing myself to use the internet in my room. After the third "slip," I came across another epiphany:

A cigarette addict, for example, is more than addicted to nicotine: they are addicted to a habbit and activities associated with the habit. For me, the addiction is looking at pornography and the association is being in my room alone. It is more difficult to be in my room alone than it is to resist just the physical lure of lust. I have therefore removed my ethernet cable, made in inaccessible, and now I only use the Internet while I'm on campus.

Thanks for reading this entry. I don't think I'll be logging on daily anymore, but I think it's safe to say I'm back.

-Ben

[MJ]

bnockles said:

So I created a new technique: have a piece of graphing paper. Every single time I'm tempted, I write the date in a box. Writing the date signifies "I don't like this and I want to give it up." That way, I can look at the paper like a calendar and see how many times I was tempted on a given day and how many times I refused the temptation. There have been some days when I'm tempted and I didn't make that decision– or at least– not until AFTER I slip. On those instances, I write the date in blue ink.

Hey Ben,

Glad to see you back around here. Don't worry about not posting every day. Just knowing that you're still reading and sticking around makes me feel positive about your recovery. Your new approach also sounds good. I've never seen anybody do that before. Definitely let us know how it works out for you.

Stay strong and remember that you're never alone in this.

Peace bro,
MJ

[Zed]

Today is DAY ELEVEN. It feels pretty good. I don't want to speak too soon, but tomorrow will be day twelve, signifying the longest I've gone since the beginning of the year. MJ, thank you for checking up on me, it means a lot. I hope that during my time on the Board I meet more encouraging people like you. But I guess I'm still "young" yet. (Young in the since of number of posts.)

The technique is working. I think of each instance of temptation now as a chance to earn a "point." Once I have twenty-five points in a row, I'll give myself a reward. A great side-effect of the technique is that having a reward to look forwad to is helping me be productive. I figure, the more productive and work-oriented I am now, the more special my "reward" will feel.

So now that you're wondering, my "reward" will be watching one of my favorite movies with my friends. Simple, isn't it? As a poor college student, it's hard to get more elaborate than that.

The other day I hit an intense period of temptation. I was walking home and I started planning out how I would look at pornography. Then I realized: It's been a whole week. I'm finally approaching where I want to be. Why would I spoil this?

I thought to myself, why don't I vent these emotions– this withdrawal– through writing poetry? And I began to plan a session of writing. I would have a cup of tea, sit in a quiet corner of the house with just a notebook, and write. I began to realize that a respectable poet would never expel such emotional potential through masturbation when it can motivate them to write so strongly. This opportunity really appealed to me and I soon had removed my mind entirely from the idea of pornography and masturbation.

Well, as it turned out, I didn't write any poetry at all. I did my homework. Ironic, isn't it? But at least I found a new venue of venting passion. It's amazing how other intimate activity can substitute for unhealthy activity. That's what a councilor I once talked to called it. She asked me once if I did other "intimate activity", like "eating chocolate, writing poetry, going for walks..."
I had never thought of it that way before.

[Zed]

I just found out MJ left the board. This makes me very sad.

[MJ]

bnockles said:

I just found out MJ left the board. This makes me very sad.

Hey bud,

I haven't left the board, so don't worry! I'm just taking a little hiatus. I've gotta gather some thoughts together and talk to some people about where my life is supposed to be going. I'll still be checking up on you and I want you to know that you can PM me at ANY time, okay?

Take good care.

Your friend,
MJ

[Zed]

I wrote this on Friday but haven't been online until now to post it:

Today is DAY TWELVE.

Today I will tie my top score this year. What's even better is I wasn't tempted at all yesterday and only once the day before. So far, I haven't been tempted today either. Of course, I'm not so naive to think I'm "healed," and I realize now is the time to be most on my guard, knowing soon I should hit the brick wall of withdrawal again.

In other news, I am producing and directing a short one-act as an independent project at school. The one-act is called "Springtime" by Maria Irene Fornes. Rather than go into it, I'll just say that it's about sexuality, identity, sacrifice, love and loss. It's really quite a beautiful play with a beautiful message well worth producing. There is one problem though. We'll be requiring pornographic pictures for props. I have to buy them this weekend.

There's no way around it, we need these pictures and they have to be porn because the audience is close enough to see if they are or not. Rather than taking a familiar and more tempting route by printing them from online, however, I'll be going to an adult store and buying a magazine or two. For my own good, I'm bringing a friend with me.

I'm neither worried nor resentful of what I'm going to do, but I am afraid that a power lies behind the environment of an adult store that can draw me back to the habit I've been trying to defeat for so long. I'm hoping that my mindset and precautions will develop an immunity to that lure.

[Zed]

Today is DAY 17.

I made it through the trial described above. It was really hard. The friend who was going to go to the store with me flaked. I was left to decide on my own: Go to the store or go online. (I had more that one friend, of course, but I wouldn't want to ask that of anyone else but that particular friend.)

Anyway, I decided that because I would be tempted no matter what I did, I would download porn off the internet since it would be cheaper and I would have more options (easier to scale images, images would be one-sided; unlike what I would have cut out from a magazine.)

Perhaps your wondering again: "WHY was it necessary to download porn in the first place?"

Of course, I thought a lot about this. The point is, I'm directing a play about sexuality and the objectification of women. The porn is a prop that is used in the play: one of the characters– in despiration– resorts to shooting pornography and is caught by her (woman) lover.

I guess that sounds kinda bizarre, especially for a "porn-addict." The bottom line is that at the heart of this play is a message well worth conveying. I didn't want my personal problem to get in the way of the production. Because I'm directing this independently, I don't have a design crew under me; I'm doing it all myself. Therefore, the job of finding pictures ended up on my shoulders.

Anyway, I prayed and did some meditation ahead of time. I was actually quite afraid. This is really had to explain, but I was torn between duty and fear. I know that I'm capable of being callused out of a sense of duty, but I also know that after 14 days of no porn, having to sort through it to find "appropriate" images for a play could be really difficult.

As I searched I reminded myself of what my purpose was the whole time. To be honest, there was a point when I came across some material that got me excited, but I managed to subdue my urges and keep on task. I printed what I got, cut them out, and put them in a folder to go with the props. Now it's done. We haven't used them in rehearsal yet but we will tomorrow.

I guess I'm not "porn-free," since I did get excited, but I'm mb-free, which is an indication of control. It's been three days since I've seen porn and the frequency of temptation hasn't increased a bit. I consider this a sign of improvement.

Because I've refused temptation 25 times consecutively, (over a 15-day span) I'm rewarding myself tonight by watching a movie with friends!

Things are good.

-Ben

[Zed]

Twenty-one days and I'm OUT.

Whoa, that was intense.

(CAUTION: I'm going to be talking about my "slip" in this entry. If that can be a problem for you, I advice you not to read.)

What does that mean? That means I just masturbated to pornography. In the last week, I looked at pornography once and I masturbated twice, but today I did both at the same time. (Saying it that way makes me sound like I'm especially coordinated or something.)

I attribute my fall to mb'ing on Wednesday. The story is: I was feeling really, really tense. As I struggled with temptation, I reminded myself that I (personally) approve of masturbation w/o pornography. I believe it can be used to reduce sexual strain and even avoid lustful temptation. So I thought about it and asked, "Is this the right time?" Well I decided I could do it and I believe I was successful in doing it "purely." (meaning without recalling images/fantasizing, etc.)

Later that week, Friday, I allowed myself to do it again. It was a lot more difficult the second time. To be honest, I usually can't mb without pornography-- it just doesn't really "work out" well. So the second experience wasn't as relieving as the first, it actually made me wish I had p to make it easier. The catch-22 was, if I didn't masturbate I felt I would be too overwhelmed and eventually look at pornography, but in order to masturbate I felt I needed pornography. So there I am, jacking-ff while all the while wondering what I'm going to do with the situation I had fallen into on Wednesday.

That brings me to today. (Sundays, by the way, are the most stagnant and boring days of the week. I should really come up with some sort of activity to keep me busy all day long.)

Alone in my room, temptation of the greatest degree hit and, sparked by fear and landslide momentum, I decided I couldn't get over the temptation without some sort of "relief" and relief (in this case) could "only" come through masturbation... to pornography.

So in short, I basically masturbated to pornography as a preventative means from masturbating to pornography. Smart, huh? (that was sarcasm.)

I don't feel bad. I feel good– always learning. I went 21 days!!! I have a system that works and now I can re-approach it even stronger and more determined than before. Until next week, I'll be developing a Sunday battle plan. Actually, I think I know what it is already. I will do a Sunday devotional and if I have homework I think I'll spend much of the rest of the morning to afternoon in a cafe.

(p.s. In case you're thinking, "if this guy does a devotional, why doesn't he just go to church?" The answer is for personal spiritual convictions. I do, however, have a lifestyle that keeps me involved with a community of Christian and attend a weekly men's group.)

[MJ]

Hey Ben,

Just checking in. I think it's great that you made it 21 days. Take this slip as a learning experience. I'm glad you wrote about it here to keep us updated on how things are going. The urges get awfully strong---I can completely understand your thought process and thinking that masturbation without fantasy and pornography is okay. I myself tried that a few weeks ago. I told myself that I would masturbate just a few times a week to relieve stress, and I wouldn't do it with porn. The first time worked out fine---but then the next day I found myself wanting to masturbate again and then the next day the same thing, and the whole time each time I did it I was starting to let more and more fantasies come in. The moral of my own experience? I had to quit masturbation---at least for the time being. I wasn't feeling particularly good after I was finished anyway.

This whole thing is certainly a learning experience for us, that's for sure. Keep plodding along---and keep writing about it when you can. I'll be here to follow your journey.

Peace bro,
MJ

[Zed]

DAY ONE

Hey MJ, first of all, thanks for your input. Sometimes writing can feel so awkward, but it helps when you find out that (at least most) everyone really DOES understand.

Today I'm writing just to announce "day one" so that it's "official." I don't want to get into the train of thought that just because I slipped yesterday, today "doesn't really count." So here it is: Today I am starting over... it's official.

[ghodge5]

Great Ben,

I think we might have chat a while ago. Hope the best for you. I am struggling but I know that I am not lost as long as I have the desire to overcome this thing. I think that is the key to becoming a new, stronger and beautiful person.

[Zed]

The "Day One" idea didn't really work out. I don't remember what happened, but I'm not clean today.

Everything was going so well, it's hard to understand what to do when I know that sobreity is just beyond your reach but my actions seem so out of control I'm overcome by a greater temptation to just stop caring. Yesterday was almost completely sober. It was awesome, I'm not sure why, but for some reason it felt like day 12 or something. I was happy, I was full of energy, I was focused... At the end of the day, right when I was about to go to bed, my roommates weren't around and it only took about three minutes to convince myself to "take advantage of the opportunity." Consequently, it was the first thing I did this morning too.

Currently, I've been feeling as if I'm justified in doing what I'm doing. It's the rational of (a)"Hey, most guys do this all the time without even considering it wrong."(b)"At least it keeps me from (expletive)ing around." (c)"It's not like I'm jacking-off to women I know, these are *only* porn stars."

But in reality, (a)my awareness of the problem that "most guys don't have" is beneficial to me because I'm aware of the damages and aware that there is something better in purity. (b) Perpetuating fantasies are defintely keeping my mind dirty, not helping it be clean. (c) Thinking of those women as "only pornstars" is evidence enough that my view of women has become corrupted at that I'm objectifying them.

Right now, I am sure that for the rest of the day I will face the temptation of "Well, I already slipped once today. If the day's already spoiled, what's once more?"

To which my answer will be, "Resisting once more is hope for the future."

The time is now.