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Post by MrOuch on Nov 13, 2007 9:42:31 GMT -5
larus,
I was there.
It took me a long time to believe that good things could happen to me. Somehow I always seemed to be my worst enemy by subconsciously torpedoing good things and deflecting praise. Through a period of sincere and deep introspection, I was able to wrestle that monkey off my back. It took a lot of work but it was worth it.
Like most things in life, success takes hard work.
Work hard my friend,
MrOuch
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Post by larus on Nov 18, 2007 5:48:29 GMT -5
Yesterdaynight i joined a music session in a pub nearby. This was new and very unusual for me. We did rounds playing tunes and all were invited to join in. Except for one song (where my fingers did completely different things from they were supposed to do) it went quite well, people listened and played and sang along. Hooray.
Back home, I can't get to sleep. I feel horrible. What is the matter?
The old familiar 'this can't be right' tune. So I set out to think this over.
I think I have an answer to that now. Indeed I don't deserve it. I am not worth it. I didn't earn it. But nevertheless it happens. It was a present. There must be a smiling God up there. What can I say?
Probably 'I am speechless' sums it up best.
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Post by MrOuch on Nov 18, 2007 8:11:29 GMT -5
larus,
I don't want to get all religious on you, but what can I say--it is Sunday after all. Good things happen by the grace of God. That's not to say that God is out there doling things out to those who pray the most, or are the best at their sport, etc. No Grace is given to all of us all the time. We just have to recognize it.
You're feeling good after a great night but there is that lingering doubt in your mind. Here's a thought for you. Maybe you did earn it. Maybe people liked the music you made. Maybe you are a decent person and musician. Accept this as the truth, because it is. God is smiling up there, and so are many people down here.
Peace,
MrOuch
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Post by larus on Nov 18, 2007 13:07:59 GMT -5
hi mrOuch, thanks for that. Maybe it is even better: it may be a question without any weight. Having an answer to this could be a nonsensical roadblock. Even if it is very real to me, why would I want to be my own judge and jury?
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Post by larus on Nov 19, 2007 5:16:08 GMT -5
not finished with this topic yet. Much of my recovery is about getting dead weight out of the way. Things that keep me stuck. This may very well be one of them.
Two of my favorites from the bible:
Ecclesiastes 9:7 Eat your bread with joy.
After pages and pages of useless, idle, vain things in life, this is what King Solomon comes up with. Now that is no nonsense.
The other one is
Matthew 6:25-34 ... And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?
I feel there is a lot in those two for me.
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Post by MrOuch on Nov 19, 2007 7:18:37 GMT -5
larus,
A couple of great quotes. I particularly like this oneWe sometimes fret over every little thing, while in the big picture, our worries don't amount to a whole hill of beans. I try not to dwell on past mistakes. Instead I focus on future goals. While it's important to remember and learn from the past, I don't let it interfere with where I am going.
Glad to see you're doing well. Stay clean and build on a great weekend.
MrOuch
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Post by larus on Nov 26, 2007 3:01:18 GMT -5
Last spring a friend and I went to a concert. It was renaissance polyphonic music, a choir directed by Paul van Nevel. When we went home I thought this is the most beautiful thing I have heard in all my life. I think music can really be good for you. Good for the heart. On youtube I found a piece of renaissance choir music composed by Ockeghem; also directed by Paul van Nevel. A registration like this is a bit like a picture of a beautiful landscape: it is not the real thing. For that you have to be there. But it does give an impression. Youtube is not safe for everyone so please be cautious. www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBk7AbEYpRA
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Post by MrOuch on Nov 26, 2007 14:02:42 GMT -5
larus,
A few years ago my wife and I saw Chanticleer perform during the holidays. It was a transcendant musical experience. Even my wife (who is not all that impressed with classical music) was moved. Thanks for the link.
Be clean today.
MrOuch
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Post by larus on Dec 10, 2007 6:15:39 GMT -5
last night I had a weird dream. It told me I have 'angry blood' inside of me and it had to do with rigidity. * One of the kids in my cooking class was behaving badly, more or less throwing the plates on the table. I asked him to put them in their place nicely. He was being 'smart', saying 'I don't know what those words mean'. 'Well, not everyone can be as clever can they'. Indignation. 'I am highly intelligent.' (He really is.) 'So if you are highly intelligent how come you don't know the meaning of those words?' 'Well I know the meaning but I don't want to know it.' 'Not knowing something and not wanting to know something are different things.' I told him that but I thought I probably want to listen to myself. * Shock last couple of weeks with a close friend suddenly getting seriously ill. He is very upset and emotional, always having been healthy, in good physical shape, and all of a sudden all kinds of things start to go wrong badly. Not clear what causes it either. He will be in hospital today for inspection, and stay there for a couple of days. It is frightening. * Had a lovely weekend having our 'Sint Nicholas' party with the singles in our family. Even though my mother, aunt and sister are not well physically, this is something they wouldn't pass up. Bad poetry, presents, good times. * Anger out of frustration. Anger out of being treated badly. Fear is what motivated my father. It still does. He has always been unpredictable and manipulative. Fear will teach you that I suppose. Maybe it is time for me not to let his tricks get to me, but reflect on his actions instead. I can't hold things against him forever. This way I am my own worst enemy. * Not happy with work - way too silent. It always has peaks and valleys but it seems to be quiet for too long now. * Still sober and in spite of the emotional days doing well. (modified to add: in spite of? The emotions aren't triggering, they don't make me feel insecure in that respect thank God. So the modified sentence reads: Still sober and doing well.)
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Post by larus on Dec 17, 2007 4:54:17 GMT -5
Now that I have been about 5 months sober, I am beginning to realize that there is still a big job ahead. Procrastination is the what it shows up in. It is akin to feeling treated unjustly and not understanding what happened. Its starting point is that something or someone is supposed to take away my frustration. That I have a right to being set free. I don't have that right, I am not the king of the universe. But I am a child of God. As I understand it now that means I am supposed to find my own way. Typical initial reaction is to want to turn my back on God for this. That would be an 'injured pride' move, of the kind that I am trying to identify and get to grips with.
God trusts us to find our way. That looks like very high expectation to me. But it must be the way to go, I can understand it will bring me closer to God.
I already have a taste of where I want to go; beginning to realise what the dead weight is that is keeping me down. The humility that the shift in perspective brings.
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Post by choselife on Dec 17, 2007 14:56:58 GMT -5
Well, Larus, great job with the 5 months of sobriety. I'd be interested in hearing more about the procrastination.
CL
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Post by larus on Dec 18, 2007 5:22:49 GMT -5
hi CL, thanks for stopping by. Yes, five months is great. I owe a lot to Hurtmylove who is my accountability partner for Covenant Eyes. But five months is apparently just about enough to begin to realize there is still crucial recovery work to be done.
I will try to find words for where I am now.
Procrastination, having a task ahead and postponing it, sometimes until it is too late. It is communicating non-verbally, I have to, but I don't want to. You know that in the end you have to comply because otherwise you will have to deal with some even more frustrating consequence (losing your job for instance), but by procrastinating you have made your point.
It is a good analogy for the state of mind that now seems to come to light. The attitude is 'I am living life but I am not sure I want to'. All of life's frustrations and obligations, I never asked for them. Don't I have a right to a happy life? But I don't want to be dead either. So what do I do? I live life under protest.
This attitude now begins to feel like a heavy burden, immobilizing me. It also seems possible to have a look what would be underneath if I could get it to come loose. Underneath is sensitivity, like of freshly healed wound. There is also absence of the all-pervasive ego that I am used to.
Not sure this clears up things CL, I do think procrastination is not a simple problem standing on its own, it is connected to an attitude towards life.
Maybe my descriptions will be a bit clearer and more real some time in the future, I will let you know.
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Post by eljefemaz on Dec 18, 2007 11:22:43 GMT -5
Hi Larus:
Awesome work on 5 months of sobriety. Yes, there is more work to do, but, hey, that is part of the gig.
I am a bit of a procrastinator myself. I have at times related it to fear of failure, other times to just lack of motivation. Either way, the time does come when you can procrastinate no more; you put aside the fear, you find the motivation, and you get it done, you handle the matter.
So I understand, your living life under protest is the immobilizing burden. Those frustrations and obligations need to be dealt with, but they become things you push aside as only we procrastinators can in protest. Am I understanding?
-EJ
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Post by MrOuch on Dec 18, 2007 14:32:52 GMT -5
Double congrats. One on making 5 months. One on realizing that this thing doesn't go away all by itself. You've got to resist. You're doing a great job. Be well today.
MrOuch
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Post by larus on Dec 19, 2007 5:04:27 GMT -5
hi there eljefemaz and mrOuch, thanks for stopping by and for the friendly words.
Eljefemaz, it sounds like you do have enough grip on your procrastination habit to not let it get in the way terribly. Good on you. But even if it is not crippling to you, why is it there in the first place?
Thank you for trying to understand. It would be nice to be able to write it down so that it is understandable - it would mean that I understand it myself. Here's to trying.
About fear of failure, it is very strong for me as well - why is it so critical to us? I now believe it is an ego thing. Other people have the same challenges, make the same mistakes, get set straight - no big deal! The only difference is in the size of ego. A big ego hates to get any kind of criticism and so it will try to avoid that. Of course you can't avoid these situations - postponing them is the best our egos can think of.
Lack of motivation. I have had job related trouble because of that. I just couldn't bring myself to finish certain tasks. That was just too weird. Now I think that can only be caused by a too big ego. It is just not interested in these lowdown, tiresome jobs. It goes on strike.
This is the dead weight I am feeling. I am very interested in getting to know life without it. This is what I will be working on and God willing find a way to achieve.
This is what I wrote in a reply to Belikejob. The only place to look for a solution, the only place where faith and strength can take root is within yourself. Humility comes to mind. We cannot expect our problems to be solved by something/someone from the outside. To begin with, we are not in a position to expect that from anyone. We must see to our own problems. All we can do is strive to make our contribution to the Kingdom and ask God for strength and directions. Even if it seems impossibly hard, that is the way to go.
Does that help? For me, the oversized ego factor is now clearer.
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