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Post by larus on Jan 2, 2007 12:19:42 GMT -5
I want to have a good look at myself. There is this great uncharted territory. I have been doing my best to evade it, but it is there.
This is what I hope this territory is about. What would I really like to do, what would make me feel comfortable doing. Who would I like to be. Who am I supposed to be (?).
Typical problem is to find the inspiration to step into this. Even if I feel I have to, there is this voice saying No. And then I don't. It is procrastination at its worst. A strange lameness. Is it fear? Is it resentment? Does it matter? I have to go there, I want to go there.
How to get going? I know what not to do. No despairing. Not being angry with myself. Just be open I suppose and patient. That is not the same as procrastinating (or laziness), which is unproductive by definition. In that sense it is diametrically the opposite.
It occurred to me that I can look for Gods Kingdom within myself. That makes sense. It is not the outside world that is supposed to convince me of the good things in life. I should be able to recognize them.
I feel I have been in a similar place, about two years ago, when I first came out of my addiction. I took some steps into the unknown then, trusting my slaa group members and my counsellor. Wanting the adventure. It feels like this is round 2.
I phoned my counsellor for a new series of sessions. Maybe I should re-consider the 12 steps, the program is not working very well for me. I have not given up on it as I find the steps full of wisdom; - but it does not work for me in the chronological order. Maybe try again.
As I am so slow with words, maybe this journal will have to travel at snail's pace. If one entry a month is what feels right, that is what it is going to be.
Niels
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Post by choselife on Jan 2, 2007 12:27:53 GMT -5
Larus, I'm real glad you opened up the journal. Please do your best to keep in mind that there is no right or wrong in what you write. There is no level of understanding you need to have about what you write to make it worthy of a journal entry. I encourage you to put in the journal whatever you are feeling, even if it makes no sense to you. Because if it all did make sense to you, you probably wouldn't be a PA.
CL
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Post by larus on Jan 3, 2007 16:49:42 GMT -5
thanks Choselife.
just came back from my SLAA meeting. A story in the Big Book had us talk about sharing our problem with people around us. It is like a dream to me to be able to live with friends and family and not have this secret.
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Post by larus on Jan 8, 2007 7:40:58 GMT -5
Anger
after 3 weeks sober I acted out last night (p0rn on the internet).
I am always very angry with myself afterwards, this time too. Then I thought maybe I should take a taste of my own medicine and not be hard on myself. This was not easy to do. When the anger went, I became conscious of the rottenness of my behaviour and there was this faint smell rotting flesh or so I thought. I felt utterly powerless. I was breaking a sweat. Not panicking; I know I am powerless - but it doesn't really truly sink in easily. I asked God for forgiveness. This rottenness is there, I know. I just have to accept it - it is no use repressing the thought of it, which is what the anger does.
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Post by larus on Jan 10, 2007 4:17:34 GMT -5
doing ok. Still a bit shaken, lots of work, sober. Being conscious of my anger makes it lose its grip it seems.
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Post by larus on Jan 12, 2007 17:34:57 GMT -5
Not an ancient person yet but... How i love growing older. It beats being young and stupid hands down. Had a memory lane day today. Me and my brother walked in the street we grew up in, by our house, the park that we used to play football in. We had good times then. But honestly I never felt better in my life than I do now.
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Post by larus on Jan 25, 2007 4:00:41 GMT -5
I am in uptight/angry mode. Reading the newspaper makes me angry, reading the board irritates me. I am not sure why; but it seems a good idea to take it as a warning sign and watch myself. I hope to make it through the weekend in one piece.
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Post by larus on Jan 26, 2007 3:18:56 GMT -5
The anger that was with me yesterday stayed all day. I tried to distract myself by taking a long walk and seeing the plans for our new city center but that didn't help. Last night it kept me awake. I used my newfound skill of being aware of my anger. It really does help: when I do that the grip loosens and there is room for thoughts and feelings. What came up last night was I have a fascination with fight. If there is a boxing match on tv I watch - up to the point that I think this is too ridiculous. This may or may not be interesting or significant, all I know is after I realised this, I slept well for the rest of the night.
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Post by larus on Jan 28, 2007 10:18:08 GMT -5
last night I had an urge to act out. It was triggered by a tv show that I had better not watched. Anyhow things are still going well. It occurred to me how much the anger and this sexual urge are alike. They both make me go uptight and inable to relax and feel and think. That is the infamous senseless territory. So last night I tried with this urge what I tried with the angry feeling, just recognize it and be aware of it, and the same thing happened, it loosened its grip. Phew. Back to sleep I went. Today is a lot better, but still not feeling safe.
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Post by MJ on Jan 28, 2007 13:36:40 GMT -5
Hey larus, Keep up the good work. Thanks for checking in with us. Peace, MJ
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Post by larus on Jan 31, 2007 9:50:49 GMT -5
thanks MJ. having a good week. Lots of work; the anger and sexual urges are not pestering me anymore.
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Post by larus on Feb 2, 2007 3:54:57 GMT -5
Last night the thought of cruelty kept me awake. Nameless cruelty. It is in Iraq; but also closer to home it used to be fashionable. I could not find a way to deal with these thoughts. The reality that people can sink that low. The question how much of that cruelty is inside of me. Eventually I found peace in the thought that I am a child of God. I relaxed, it was the same as with the anger and the sexually compulsive feeling. But then something was still not right. I was thinking about God; thinking of him in third person, but the right thing to do was to pray.
I am volunteering in our local youth center, I help with cooking courses for children. I love it when they learn stuff, like peeling a potato. Sensational stuff. But the difficult part is maintaining order. There is always one or two boys that just want to be a pain in the a$$. An extra helping of ADHD pills doesn't seem to work. I react by being angry. It then moves down to the level of a tug-of-war. Totally wrong. Next thing would be twisting his ear and park him in the hallway. That is not the way. There must be better ways, more clever ways.
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Post by larus on Feb 5, 2007 12:07:49 GMT -5
a month clean today ;D
doing well. I wish I was more organised. The order thing with these kids is finding its way in my dreams now. I think they irritate me because i was a lot like that when I was 8 or 9. How would I have liked to be treated then? Certainly not with intimidation and anger.
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Post by MJ on Feb 5, 2007 14:46:45 GMT -5
Great job on one month clean! Keep up the good work. ---MJ
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Post by larus on Feb 16, 2007 7:04:18 GMT -5
as with others here on the forum, wasting time a.k.a. procrastination is a major problem with me. It is another shape of my internal trouble, like the p0rn addiction is.
I so wish I could put it aside.
I have some sort of a clue how it would be if this trouble were not there. My energy not caught up in the bottomless pit of p0rn or other senseless waste of time. Scratching my back on the reality of life.
Still doing ok, I was tempted twice but I came back. Doing ok.
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