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Post by larus on Feb 25, 2007 10:17:25 GMT -5
What is this p0rn addiction and procrastination all about?
* speculation on* I am undecided whether Life is worth it or not. Maybe I still don't agree with having been born, weaned; the comfortable things have gone. I can't bring myself to embrace life. P0rn and procrastination are ways of avoiding life, they are hiding places, expressions of not wishing to join in. The advantage of this is, no-one challenges me; looking for isolation brings me peace. Or so I thought. The lack of development starts nagging. There is no peace in here, just silence and eventually death. *speculation off*
Whether I agree with life or not, it happens anyway. I want to be able to join in, to grow, to enjoy, to be a trusting person.
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Post by larus on Mar 7, 2007 6:31:31 GMT -5
*sigh* watched p again last weekend. I feel cool enough to write about it now. Painful and damaging as watching p may be, it is the inclination to want to watch it that is really hard to stomach. I am not an unobedient child that needs to be told off. I am an adult, what I do is my responsibility. If I do stupid things - it is sad but true, but it was me doing them. It is time to let this sink in. I am feeling shaken but I am not giving up. I want to grow out of this and I believe this is another step. But it is a dangerous trip.
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Post by larus on Apr 3, 2007 4:19:35 GMT -5
'Was frag ich nach der Welt' is a Bach cantata.
Something that is beginning to dawn on me. It surfaces in various forms and shapes.
I do volunteer work for a 'friends of nature' like organisation. In our local branch we organise stuff like a lecture on bats that live in the citypark. Or longdistance walks. We are often frustrated by the lack of interest. Only a few people show up. This makes me feel treated unjustly. We do all the work and now they should respond. Last weekend my mother turned 85. We had a great party. I made a song and had asked my brothers and sisters to add a strophe so that we can sing a co-production song. Only thing was, they were so busy with their own things that I had to wrestle it off them, if there came anything at all. Indignation and treated unfairly.
Why should I ask the world. Why do I? Am I presuming I have a right to be given things? That would be bad strategy on my part, failure guaranteed. People do their own thing, and right they are. It would be clean to just make my plan and go ahead, and see if it succeeds or fails. If it succeeds I can be content, if it fails my plan was faulty.
I can think this but it feels like I am just seeing a glimpse of it. I would love to see more of it. It could be basic to having peace of mind. Like being weaned - growing out of dependency.
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Post by larus on Apr 16, 2007 8:36:44 GMT -5
Fear
The fear of being left behind alone. To see God and the world disappear in the distance. This is why I attach myself to the world, it is out of fear. Even the most lowdown ways of attaching are allowed. If I succeed in freeing myself from 'mental slavery', what will be left? Fear is a thick fog right now.
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Post by larus on May 2, 2007 2:04:09 GMT -5
things are going well but still there is a lot of work to do.
Emotions seem to come easier these days. This is helpful with the addiction too. I had the urge to look at p, but when I actually tried to do it tears sprung up in my eyes, and it put me on a different track, away from the p. This has happened a few times. Two weeks ago I joined a 'workshop' - we do excercises for being sensitive to our emotions. That intensifies what was already happening with me.
But still I have the notion that some part of me is not reached by this. For instance I sometimes completely miss deadlines simply because I didn't do the work. I just don't do it. It is so strange and I don't understand it. Like I let it drop from my hands, like I have not an ounce of strength. What is this? It seems to be something dysfunctional on a different level again.
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Post by larus on May 14, 2007 9:36:41 GMT -5
fear again this is something I am afraid of: of losing myself. Of having no connection to my feelings. That would be equal to going totally insane. The flipside of this is the fear of confronting others. But I need to learn this, so as not to be swept off my feet.
Boundaries for me are not about keeping out unwanted influences, they are there to help me keep in touch with my feelings and not go astray. They are like a comfortable big soft armour. This is important to me - maybe this way I can learn to trust myself.
sobriety is going well. Lots of work, nice events to visit, I am doing well.
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Post by larus on Jun 8, 2007 2:30:33 GMT -5
I am becoming more and more conscious of how my life has been moulded in the shape of fear. It is so normal to me that it is hard to recognize it as the special condition that it is. But I don't have a clue why it is there. Maybe it is not all negative.
There is also a new emotion, and that is quietness, trust. It comes over me at night. The feeling that everything is going to be allright.
These two seem to become clearer these days side by side. The trust feeling is not replacing the fear. It is however replacing the panic feeling.
There is also another new feeling: heartache.
I slipped last week. I don't want to play that down - it really hurt afterwards and I do want to be careful.
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recoverer
Full Member
No P since 27/06/07 and it is going to stay that way!
Posts: 155
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Post by recoverer on Jun 18, 2007 16:11:44 GMT -5
Slipping hurts, especially when you have abstained from porn for a very long time, look at it this way you have the power to say no to your addiction, you don't always say no to your addiction.
I have had that feeling and it is not pleasant, the only way to lost that feeling is to talk to someone and best of all pray to god. You have done many great things Laurus, you helped me kickstart my recovery cycle, I would have never had it in me to quit p if you had not replied to my call of help. Lauras I hope you keep sober and may god help you through this terrible period.
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Post by larus on Jul 2, 2007 15:33:52 GMT -5
Recoverer thank you for your reply. That was generous of you.
The language barrier... I hope I can bring this across from dutch to english.
Two nights ago a word came into my head: 'mededogen'. It translates more or less as 'compassion'. It is a somewhat oldfashioned word, not often used and I had never given it much thought.
It came into my head after I had slipped with internet p. I was at a loss: how can I do this? I know the people involved are abused, or confused, or addicted, in some way on a wrong track. And I did not feel sorry for them, or feel pity for them. More of a mixed feeling of horror, disgust, panic. I cannot handle pity well.
But this word seemed to hit on some uncharted territory in my mind. It struck a powerful chord with me. It is not the same as feeling sorry for someone, or to pity someone. It is there even if there is no concrete subject to "feel sorry for". It is not patronizing. It is not feeding off misery. The word opens up an area of hope, kindness. The pain and abuse is there, but this seems to be just as real. It is just as sweet for myself as for dealing with other people's trouble. I am writing this because I wonder how real, detailed, colorful this territory can be. I know for a fact, it is absolutely incompatible with consuming p.
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Post by larus on Jul 3, 2007 2:29:30 GMT -5
... but I am still addicted. It is essential to keep my recovery real and not get sidetracked. It is about finding the reality of my feelings, both comfortable and uncomfortable. My recovery will go limp if I lose sight of that.
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recoverer
Full Member
No P since 27/06/07 and it is going to stay that way!
Posts: 155
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Post by recoverer on Jul 3, 2007 6:05:17 GMT -5
You need to keep focused on your recovery and not let anything get in the way! Also keep busy so you can avoid slipping!!
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Post by larus on Jul 24, 2007 4:05:02 GMT -5
recoverer, I agree, keeping busy is good. But I am good at procrastinating. It is related to p addiction imo. I think it is not possible to get rid of one and keep the other. If I am to improve I need to outgrow both.
A new chapter in my recovery: enter Covenant Eyes.
My slips were getting too regular: every two weeks to one month. It was undermining my spirit. Even now I am a bit weary of this tool, I am not sure it is going to make a lot of difference and if it goes wrong it will be disappointing not just to myself. But still, I had better try. It is summer holiday, there is not a lot of work, the internet is there waiting for me.
Hopefully CE will also work against wasting time mindlessly. Maybe I am just wary of letting go of the pleasures of internet timewasting.
There is at least one activity I can spend that time on: practising playing the accordion. Play Donauwellen faultlessly.
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Post by larus on Jul 30, 2007 1:58:27 GMT -5
Back to work today. Had a wonderful 2 weeks holiday. A week in Ireland, and a week at home and tinkering with my boat.
CE is a blessing. I didn't go looking for p, and I cut my internet timewasting drasticallly. Yay!
Flicking the switch into work mode ... I thanked God for the nice holiday I had, and then I thanked him for the nice job I have. But I had trouble feeling happy about getting back to work. Then I thought the only important thing is to be looking for God. Being on a holiday or being at work is not essential. So here I am, ready for work. Yay again.
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Post by larus on Aug 1, 2007 1:41:12 GMT -5
'Fear is a man's best friend' (John Cale)
Last night two thoughts kept me awake: the chaos that most of my paperwork is in, and a message I wrote that I thought was not right. I sweat, got slightly panicky, no sleep: fear. This is what I figured: these things are symptoms of my insanity. One of my chaotic mind and the tendency to not bother, and the other of my selfcenteredness. I am really afraid of insanity.
But then I realized this fear is a good thing. It pinpoints the exact problem that needs to be dealt with. It is my friend if I only listen to it.
Organise my papers today. Thank you John Cale.
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Post by larus on Aug 6, 2007 15:41:58 GMT -5
I am a single person, 51 now. When I was in my twenties I was in two relationships. I wasn't ready for a relationship then; hopelessly confused. In time things have improved: work, housing, and now the most important one, growing out of my p addiction. Now that things improve my anxiety grows re. relationships. Could a relationship be a possibility again? It scares me. I believe I am too much of a shaky character.
Not sure if noticing this will bring anything - at least it fills in another emotional blank spot. It is something I can ponder.
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