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Post by larus on Aug 12, 2007 10:50:30 GMT -5
having a rough day. Same was true yesterday. Maybe it is detox symptoms again, it was the weekends that I acted out in mostly. Last thursday my counsellor commented on how well things are going. Later i had a strange reaction to that: I was shaken with the idea that I might actually heal from this. Maybe that still has me shaken up. Anyway... I am still hanging in there and today has gone well sobriety-wise.
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Post by larus on Aug 14, 2007 1:46:14 GMT -5
new phenomenon: NOT getting irritated.
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Post by larus on Aug 18, 2007 1:35:01 GMT -5
Psalm 1 1 Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers.
cruel jokes and p channels
I watched the infamous 'just for a laugh' youtube video. This is what I learned from it.
It was a cruel joke. The main character got mocked for his obvious craziness, the lady for her submissiveness, the other personnel for their stupidity in not noticing anything unusual.
Cruelty is something within myself that I don't understand. I noticed that before but maybe now is the time to find out more.
I hate cruelty, cruelty to children, to animals, to people who can't defend themselves. But cruelty in the form of mockery has an appeal on me. LU's 'thought filter' comment made me realize the insensitivity of this and that it is hurtful for others (even mocking myself works that way).
Two days ago I installed a new tv system in my home. One of the channels that I didn't know showed p (at 3pm). I watched it for a few minutes. I felt two things: the familiar arousal and a new feeling: disgust. The thought came to me, I see now what normal people see: it is degenerating and evil. So I locked the channel with a code, and then another code, and now I have forgotten the code and it will be impossible to access the channel. Then I wrote an e-mail to the tv company telling them I found it brutal to have a free p channel virtually unprotected and a request to remove it from the package. A reply came: they understood my wish well, this was something they thought could be improved and it would be discussed. That was a surprisingly sympathetic reply.
So I can learn to feel disgusted at p.
I am beginning to believe cruelty is in the same league as p. Cruel jokes will be off limits from now on; they are insensitive by nature, but not only that, you also paint yourself in a superior position and look down on the pitiful human race. This insensitivity is nothing short of disastrous for my recovery. It brings down myself as well as others.
There is more to it, I am sure. but this is a beginning.
I have always wondered about those lines in the bible about 'mockers'. It seems so unimportant. Yet it is in psalm 1 verse 1. But now I begin to see how damaging mocking can be.
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Post by wanttochange024 on Aug 19, 2007 13:57:19 GMT -5
larus,
Just stopped by to read in your journal. I very much like the last post. It's true that it is easy to overlook others feelings. God wants us to live our lives with the love and grace that he has given us. This gift came at a price and it is our job to live by God's grace and love. I can see that you are making great progress in your recovery and in your life. Way to go!
May the love and grace of God fill your heart in every part of your life in the name of Christ. Thanks be to God.
Think Good thoughts!
wtc024
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Post by larus on Aug 20, 2007 2:50:53 GMT -5
Thank you wanttochange for your kind words. God wants us to live our lives with the love and grace that he has given us. That is what my motivation is.
Matthew 7 3 Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?
I felt unrest in my head yesterday. I think it is because of the above. It is a trap for me: it diverts me from what I should be concentrating on. I have to force my mind in the right direction which is wanting to heal my own defects. Wanttochange, your motto helped: Think Good Thoughts. Putting this into words helps too, I instantly feel more at ease.
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Post by larus on Aug 26, 2007 3:26:52 GMT -5
This weekend I have family over visiting. It is a mixed blessing. My father has the habit of keeping talking, and the more tired he gets the more he talks. It used to leave me exhausted. Things do change though, I seem to be better able to take a little break in my mind from conversations, and also my father seems to mellow out (a bit). So, all is well that ends well, I am doing fine even if still a bit shaky, and we had a nice day.
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Post by larus on Sept 5, 2007 8:13:15 GMT -5
Mark 9 24 Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
In my recovery I learn how to distinguish between reality and hot air. P is obviously hot air, that much is clear to me now. But it applies to more, some of it not so obvious. It goes for faith too. I have faith, but claiming I have a lot of faith would be hot air. It feels scary to admit this but at the same time good to keep my feet on the ground.
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Post by larus on Sept 18, 2007 3:57:21 GMT -5
It seems I have at a familiar point in my recovery... Had a stressfull weekend, a ghost from the past came back. It is family related and all is not well (probably this is as good as it gets).
I dreamt... We are in Norway deep down in a valley, steep mountainsides all around. It is cold, everything is soaking wet, misty. We manage to find a road up the mountainside and climb up, higher and higher and eventually we are above the mist and the wet stuff. I am now on a rock that sticks out from the mountainside. But it is not big and it is in the shape of a tongue. There is an endless drop on all sides. The only safe place to be is right in the middle, against the wall. I am afraid, I have fear of heights.
I remember having had a similar dream in the beginning of my recovery, I mentioned it here as well. I believe it is about having faith.
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Post by larus on Sept 23, 2007 1:28:23 GMT -5
some posts ago I mentioned learning the difference between hot air and real stuff. There is something else to learn: I must choose. Even if I can see the difference, the right thing does not happen automatically.
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Post by larus on Oct 5, 2007 1:50:17 GMT -5
It feels wonderful to leave the slavery of p. It is like in the movies where the Red Sea has parted and there are walls of water on either side and you can touch them and still be safe.
But I must be careful to recognize the slavery pattern: compulsive internet use is the same madness, not as ruinous but still slavery.
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Post by larus on Oct 12, 2007 7:53:52 GMT -5
slow and quick
recently at times I have felt an emptiness in my head that was brilliant. Not the usual clogged-up-ness. It makes me all the more conscious of this by contrast. It makes me slow. It makes me not do things. It is holding me down.
Put it another way; I seem to dig my heels in the sand. Things happen only slowly or come to a grinding halt. I don't know what to do about it. Maybe it is just ok to register this for now.
What to do about it. What I can think of is still not having forgiven my father for messing us up. I will speak for myself, for messing me up. His p addiction was handed down to me. He was (and still is) a person of great public reverence. Being a sceptical person by nature, that has turned me into a cynic. I believe I am over that now, but I do think there is work to be done facing the guilt I credit my father with. Even if many years have gone by and time has done a lot of good to both him and me, there is still a hard spot that I have never looked at closely.
But I am not even sure this is it. The problem could very well be me; and the father story only a more superficial thing. Something within my soul that was there all along and that needs to be resolved.
All I can do is give it time, is what I can make of it now.
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Post by larus on Oct 18, 2007 5:46:14 GMT -5
Last weekend there was a kid's weekend, organised by our 'friends of nature' organisation. I had volunteered for the weekend. But I know nothing of kids so i was just hoping to do stuff like helping with preparing food, cleaning etc.
But it turned out differently. Apart from the household work, I had to lead a group on a puzzle trail, comfort really small ones that were tired and sleepy, join in exciting games etc.
This is all new to me. Spending two days with a lot of kids (19), sharing the room with other volunteers for the night (it is all a bit youth hostel-like). But it went so well I can hardly believe it. I was a bit rattled when I came home sunday afternoon. But I feel very good about it now, it was so interesting and rewarding.
This is something I could not have enjoyed as much a year ago. I feel I am being filled in about these things. How brilliant kids can be.
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Post by larus on Nov 4, 2007 8:00:07 GMT -5
doing well, staying sober.
Had an ups and downs couple of weeks. Wonderful week with a short trip to Sweden, a birthday party (my twin nieces), had my brother over visiting. It couldn't be better, that nice. Last week I felt anger. Not sure why - it could be that I was angry at myself for having missed out on so many good things. Yesterday it had subsided and now I feel relaxed again. I am just monitoring, that seems to be the best thing. And try and make some sense of it. It feels like new things keep happening. Sometimes I can hardly believe it, I ask myself 'did that really happen?' that is how recovering hits me.
Yesterday I saw a part of 'Kill Bill', a cult movie with lots of blood and hacked off limbs etc. I wondered about why this kind of movie has an appeal to me. It could be that all that violence brings about a heightened awareness state of mind. Really like a drug. The movie was designed to bring that about (music, setting, camerawork). That is the attractive component. But this violence... that is the repulsive component. It is way too repulsive for me. Taking it apart like this may be useful - heightened awareness may be reached in more ways than just this one. In fact I am sure of it.
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Post by MrOuch on Nov 5, 2007 7:21:53 GMT -5
Larus,
Glad to see you're doing well. Keep up the good work. I find that I too sometimes have an inexplicable anger/angst feeling. I try to understand where it's coming from, then let it go. It works for me and it seems to have worked for you. It's best not to dwell on things that are counter-productive to recovery. Be well.
MrOuch
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Post by larus on Nov 13, 2007 6:37:45 GMT -5
MrOuch, thanks for your comment. There seem to be two different things: 'fits' of anger that come, last for a few days and go (and I have no say in that), and a sort of dull troubled state of mind. That is the one I feel there is work to be done on.
As I mentioned earlier here, good things happen and I find it hard to believe it actually really happens. This is the edge of understanding for me. Not accepting these good things with grace means I am basically still on the same level as I was. It is my SELF calling me back.
HEY!!! you are not worth it, remember?! or ok, these things happen so I must deserve it. It must be normal that this happens to me.
These are all pockets of hot air. They are blocking the way. I know there is beauty and freedom and grace out there. I am just somehow standing in my own way but gaining some sense of it.
Still doing well sobrietywise. Last week I realised that a lot of the sixties 'liberal' views had degraded into raw brutal selfishness void of love or compassion. I have now chosen to recognize this and be gentle instead of harsh.
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