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Post by MJ on Jan 16, 2007 19:28:36 GMT -5
Wow, how did i get so messed up? Its phenomenal. Man, I ask myself the same thing all the time! How is it possible that things got so screwed up for me? At least that makes two of us. Keep writing these feelings out. It helps. Peace bro, MJ
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Post by freshstart on Jan 17, 2007 4:47:58 GMT -5
Hey Mj, thanks for your support. RB, thanks for dropping by. I am trying to believe that God loves us [period].
I was very concerned about the future this morning, but I kept on repeating to myself, through my almost panic, that God loves me and will take care of the future. I can't , He can, I'll let him. Then, by the end of my journey into work, a calm had descended on me.
One thing i need to start doing is writing in my diary. I come on this board, and read lots of posts, but really i am procrastinating about writing my diary. I need to do that first, and then read and respond to other posts.
Start of Day 9
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Post by dijit80 on Jan 17, 2007 6:15:37 GMT -5
Congrats with day 9. Somehow I reckon all of our problems are interlinked, or atleast the way we respond to them. Breaking that circle is really hard work, it makes us feel unsecure about everything else, thats why we are in this circle. Finding a security outside of yourself could be helpful, writing your diary could help you get things into perspective. Dijit80
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Post by freshstart on Jan 17, 2007 8:30:41 GMT -5
I think you are right Dijit80 I am experiencing a lot of stress and i don't have the old ally of P to fall back on. Maybe too because i am not P-ing, i am actually experiencing real emotion for a change.
Basically, my worry about the future stemmed from a conversation with my g/f last night. We were talking through what kind of therapist would be best. I have told her about my insecurity about being a real man, and she knows that i have some gay feelings, but she does not know that I am mainly gay, or that i am addicted to P/MB. Also, she doesn't know about the pee-shy thing. So i was saying that i would like a few weeks of just talking to someone, getting stuff off my chest, and then maybe a bit of CBT work.
So she starting talking about how they would set timetables of 8 or 12 weeks etc, and then i would see results. She does not appreciate how complex my problems are (because i have not told her). But i could be seeing this therapist for a long time. I don't even know where to start with them.
Something else to add to my list. I have always felt that my conscious mind steps in too much. even as a child, i remember not being able to sleep, and whenever i was about to get to sleep, my mind would kick in, and say "oh you're drifting off to sleep". Of course that would stop the sleep". I was very young (maybe 10), and i started thinking that this was my downfall, and maybe it was why i had difficulty learning to swim the previous summer. I was unable to just let go. So there you go, my conscious mind is a problem. I guess meditation would help with this.
I don't know where to start with the therapist, but the sooner i start the better. I am worried about the future again, but i must allow the counsellor to do his job. I will take responsibility to be honest and open in sessions, and do any exercises he recommends, but i do not have the responsibility to run the session. I can sit back and allow someone else to take responsibility for that.
I trust that god will take care of the future, and will not set me tasks i am incapable of dealing with.
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Post by MJ on Jan 17, 2007 15:15:59 GMT -5
Hey freshstart, Just stopping by to support you as always. Keep letting us know how things turn out for you. I can identify with a lot of the things you're talking about. Thanks for opening up your life to us. Take care, MJ
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gnlman
Junior Member
Posts: 51
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Post by gnlman on Jan 18, 2007 0:44:34 GMT -5
Hey freshstart
Thanks for stopping in at my journal. I've been reading some of your journal and it has helped, as today was a near slip and I've just been hanging by a thread. I'm feeling better now though, and it hit close to home when you were talking about learning to swim (something about deep water like the ocean or a lake scares the hell out of me), and being unable to let go, because I feel like I'm unable to let go of a lot of things. Learning to accept the past and accept that I cannot change what has happened is something I'm struggling mightily against, but I think it's a huge factor in breaking this pa. Keep up the continued progress man, I'll be pulling for you. gnlman
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Jan 18, 2007 1:01:18 GMT -5
Hey there freshstart,
Ive been using these boards to get stuff off my chest but I thought it would be healthy to communicate with others. I was interested in an earlier message you posted. I'm in a crazy situation at the moment, now I know Its not the same as yours, as I am single, have been for ages, and I don't have the same problem you have, but I think I can relate. I have gotten into a world so deep, that I cannot get out, and its caving in all around me, further and further. I know this is a tough game and we can't seem to control it no matter how hard we try. I hope things start working for you because these addictions consume us.
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Post by freshstart on Jan 18, 2007 4:33:54 GMT -5
Hey gnlman and tomlincolnsixecho, thanks for your support. We do have to let go of the past. Feelings of guilt and shame bring us down. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well i had a wet dream last night. I'm not sure how long it is since i last had an O. During the end of my last set of binging, i didn't even bother MBing. P had become so much more pervasive than just an easy way to get to O. I was running from reality, and P is a very good distraction. When i had the wet dream last night, it reminded me of when i hit puberty and started to have them. I only discovered MB at around 15, so between the start of puberty and then, i had a lot of WDs. I shared a room with my brother, and when he woke up in the morning and smelt the semen, he said "you shouldn't be wanking, thats bad for you". I felt really guilty, like i had done something to be ashamed of, even though i hadn't done anything. Thats shame around WDs lasted a long time, maybe even up to now. I have always hated them.
I remember going into the kitchen for breakfast when i was a teenager, and fearing that people could smell the semen, and would be disgusted with me. I felt so guilty about those WDs, i don't know why. [trigger]I was so conscious of the mess they made, i trained myself to wake as soon as they happened and hold the semen in, then use a tissue to wipe it up[/trigger]
Then, when i started seeing my g/f, we would share a bed, but we were not having S--, obviously i had WDs, so i used to get up and go to the bathroom and clean up. Again i was ashamed of them. Why was i so ashamed? Its amazing the shame i felt over something that was so natural.
Start of Day 10
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Post by MJ on Jan 18, 2007 5:10:11 GMT -5
Hey freshstart, Wet dreams are completely normal. I can understand your shame about them though. If we're taught early on (by a family member, for example) that they are something to be ashamed of, it always sticks with us. I think that's what happened with me and mb. Early on I kept getting the message that it was bad, and even though I did not stop, it reinforced the shame and guilt that I still have today. Keep up the good work! ---MJ
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Post by freshstart on Jan 18, 2007 12:35:01 GMT -5
Thanks MJ. I have always hated WDs. I don't know why. I guess they are so involuntary, so messy, and you have no control over them. I am a bit of a control freak, although i am trying to relinquish control to God. I can't, He can, I'll let Him.
Anyway, the reason i am writing here is because i have been given an awkward task to do at work. Its not one i look forward to, and i would like a bit of distraction. Just now i checked my e-mail hoping that it would provide a distraction, but of course it didn't.
So where is the next stop?
Well looking for distractions (even if they are innocent) when i should be working, is a middle circle behaviour. I need to start making changes to my everyday life. This task at work is a problem but i will face it head on. Otherwise i will waste a few hours, and then have to face it, or else just face my supervisor and tell her that it is not done.
Get to work.
FS
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Post by freshstart on Jan 19, 2007 3:41:03 GMT -5
Start of Day 11 I had very S--ual dreams again last night. They involved me MBing, or at least doing one of my rituals to set up a MB session. At least i did not have a wet dream, which is something. I know this is certainly not helping my sobriety, but at least i know that i am not losing s--ual feelings. That is sometimes one of my slipping points. I had a medical condition some years ago, where i lost all my S-- drive, and sometimes when i have started to get sober i noticed that i didn't have much s-- drive. This made me think that i was ill again, and so i started to fantasise to check if i still had S-- drive. You can guess where that led. I think this is called Stinkin Thinkin.
Something else i want to talk about: Because of my illness some years ago, my g/f and i have had on and off problems in the bedroom for years. Most of the time they have been due to my inability to perform, (when i was ill i had no sex drive and couldn't keep an erection; now i cannot finish). So the problems tend to go on for a while, and she is very patient. Then eventually they eat away at her, and it explodes in an argument. But those arguments really leave me feeling like $hit. As a once off they would be bad, but as a recurring feature of our relationship over a number of years, they really grind down my self esteem.
I don't want to give the impression that my g/f is being unreasonable. She has gone out of her way to be patient, but obviously it is not possible (or healthy) for young people to sustain a relationship where S-- is either non-existant, or unsuccessful. I hate to be crude, but success has to be measured by my ability to orgasm. (My g/f orgasms very easily, sometimes it amazes me how easily, so that is taken for granted.)
So how do i feel when this is brought up: Ashamed Inadaquete As if i am not a proper man Embarrased Weak Failure
I no longer enjoy S-- as a pleasurable activity. It has become a measure of my manhood. It is as if everything that i associated with sport when i was young has now been associated with S--.
I wasn't very good at sport, and i felt embarrased and ashamed of that. I didn't want people to know. I avioded it, rather than playing badly. Sometimes i got lost in a trance and i actually played well, but then somehow my conscious mind would kick in and i would start trying and then it would all fall apart. Similarly, i didn't play sport for the enjoyment, i played it because i felt that i should, because it was a way of being measured in my family and among my friends.
When i got older, and there were no longer any expectations, i took up sport again. This time i took it up because i was genuinely interested in it. I actually became reasonably good at it. I did it because i liked it.
I wish i could change my mindset about s-- in the same way. Maybe the counsellor will help with this.
Note: when i started on this board today, i didn't read any other journals, i started on my own first. Now i have written mine i can read others because i want to, not as a way of avioding writing my own. I must continue to operate the board this way.
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Post by MJ on Jan 19, 2007 6:35:27 GMT -5
Hey freshstart, Thanks for checking in. Sorry to hear about your problems in being able to perform sexually. I wouldn't even know if I could perform sexually or not because I've never had sex before. I also didn't like sports too much. Anyways, keep checking in. Peace, MJ
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Post by freshstart on Jan 19, 2007 11:01:45 GMT -5
Back here again, because i feel tempted. I know i cannot resist this temptation on my own. I can't. He can. I'll let him.
Please God help me not to give into temptation.
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Post by JohnG on Jan 19, 2007 11:33:22 GMT -5
Back here again, because i feel tempted. I know i cannot resist this temptation on my own. I can't. He can. I'll let him. Please God help me not to give into temptation. Hang in there FS. I appreciated what you had to say about distractions and middle-circle behaviours. That is a whole theme I have yet to research - I assume there must be old threads with a lot on it. But it will have to wait till monday. Have a safe weekend! JohnG
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Post by Lion on Jan 19, 2007 14:40:58 GMT -5
Don't give in Freshstart! We're here for you.
Take care
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