Freshstart journal

[freshstart]

I am addicted to porn and masturbation. I am very sick. I feel as if i am at rock bottom, but i don't actually know if there is anything. At times i feel that this will keep progressing until it eventually kills me. I have started a new job, where i thought i would never look at P again, but only two months in, i am looking at hardcore stuff in the middle of the day.

This makes me so unhappy. I feel ashamed of myself. I feel as if i have nowhere to go.

I just wanted to start this journal. I will come back and write more soon.

Day 0

[freshstart]

I feel like i am ruined.

Anyway, part of this will be to look at how much time i waste on this.

This week I have spent 6 hours on this. That is almost a full working day. So further on, if i manage to stay sober, and start to resent all the time i have to spend on this website, i should remember that the alternative is 1 working day/week wasted on P.

[MJ]

Hey freshstart,

Welcome to the board. Sorry you have to be here, but you've found the right place to start recovering. I can totally relate to what you're talking about right now---the despair, the fear, etc. Just this past week I made a journal entry myself in which I said that I am afraid that this addiction could eventually kill me too.

Stick around the boards. There's a ton of support here. It makes you remember that you're not alone. We all help each other. Read others' stories. Remember to take things one day at a time. Hang in there---you are not alone.

I look forward to reading more of your posts.

Peace,
MJ

[freshstart]

Thanks for the welcome MJ. I have been here before under a different name, but i wasn't completely honest then, and i realise now that i am going nowhere until i can let some of the pain out.

I am gay. But i have a girlfriend. She is really beautiful, and i love her very much. From the day we met, it has always seemed as if we were meant for eachother, we are like two pieces of a jigsaw that just click into eachother.

However, i have this terrible secret. I am physically attracted to men. I am also turned on by my girlfriend, and i do have a certain level of attraction to women in general, but if i look at my fantasies and my P use, it is almost exclusively gay. It is very hard to reconcile. I get really turned on by my girlfriend, but when on my own, i would almost never choose to fantasise about women.

I have had an awkward and troubled S life for the last six or seven years. I wil continue this, but i have to go for now.

[MJ]

Hey freshstart,

I don't know if you've read any of my posts or whatever, but I just wanted to let you know that I am also sexually attracted to men more than women. My addiction is to gay p. Perhaps you already knew this. Does your girlfriend know about your secret?

Be comforted to know that you're not the only one here who's dealing with gay p issues. I still don't know how to define myself. Since I have never had any type of sexual or relationship experience whatsoever, and because I've always relied on fantasy, my sexual identity is still very cloudy.

Anyways, I'm glad you're here. I look forward to hearing more of your story.

Take care,
MJ

[freshstart]

Hi MJ,
To answer your question, my girlfriend knows a little about my gay feelings. Basically i told her that i sometimes have gay feelings, but that the majority of me is straight. In truth the majority of me is gay, and only a little part of me is straight. So i have acknowledged this to her to a certain extent, but certainly not the full truth.

With regard to S--uality, i have heard people say that you can be physically attracted to a particular S-x but what counts is who you tend to fall in love with. To that extent, i have always fallen for women and i have always imagined myself in relationships with women. While i have gay fantasies, i have never actually fancied any men that i know. However, you could also say that is just because i have grown up in a hetero world. Maybe this definition is just a convenience for people who don't want to face up to the truth. I don't know. I guess men who are physically attracted to men, but who are in very happy, s--ually fulfilled relationships with women, are unlikely to speak about it, so it is hard to judge.

It is quite painful for me to answer these kind of questions, but i am very grateful that you asked them, because it is something that i must confront, and i probably won't do it without some prodding. In truth, if i confront it, it might not be quite the monster i imagine it to be.

I will write more on my S--ual history later. Please feel free to ask questions, they are very helpful.

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The main reason i came here right now, is because i have just finished a meeting with my boss, and my instinct was to immediately have a "quick" look at some P. I was starting to convince myself that it would be no harm, and that i would just look for 10 minutes.

How many times do i need to feel miserable and depressed after finishing a binge to realise that
a) It NEVER makes me happy
b) The feelings i used to get from P will never be available to me anymore, because now i am an addict, everything has changed.
c) I am completely incapable of having a "quick" look. It always lasts for hours, either a binge from the minute i start looking, or else an on/off binge lasting all day, but still taking up hours of time.

[dtchange]

Welcome freshstart,
My addiction led me to gay P and eventually to acting out with men. For me I never wanted a relationship with a man. I had a great so who I love and will always love but this addiction coupled with my lies and cheating has ruined that. it is only in the midst of acting out that I go that way.
Anyway i have been working hard in recovery.I am currently working on step 9(which is not like you finish it in a day or week) but I am currently working steps 10 and 11 daily.I have a therapist, a couple of sponsors and hit as many meetings as possible. Both AA and SLAA. I have been sober for 2 months and am feeling great some days and like total crap on others. The days I feel like crap usually is when I am living in the past and in the future and not today.
My experience with my relationship is this. The worst thing was the dishonesty. That is the hardest thing for me. When I feel threatened I will lie my way out. I am working on that.
Anyways God bless and keep coming.
Michael

[MJ]

Hey freshstart,

Thanks for posting. I totally realize that talking about your sexuality is hard. When I first joined this board it was hard for me because not only was I addicted to p, but it was gay p, and I had never really disclosed any information whatsoever about my sexuality.

I can totally relate to what you're talking about---feeling more gay than straight, but not living a gay lifestyle or something. I once had a girlfriend for almost two years even though we didn't even kiss, let alone have sex.

Basically I haven't been in a relationship since then---but if you can't even count that one, then I have NEVER been in a relationship whatsoever. I've often thought about what I would say to a girl if I started dating her---chances are I would disclose my sexuality after the first few dates because I have already covered up so much of my life with lies. Then again, I'm still very embarrassed and ashamed of my situation, so that just brings me right back to wanting to stay single, which I've been doing for years now.

Anyways, just my ramblings. Take care,

MJ

[freshstart]

dtchange
Thanks for your encouragement and your honesty. I think we all have things we would rather not talk about, but saying them straight out is a good habit to get into.

MJ
Thanks for dropping in again. You are doing really well with sobriety, i hope that i can make the kind of progress you are making.

As for me, well i am three days clean and startiong Day 4. At times i feel like i will never need to look at P again, and at times i feel like i need it right away. But i want to keep a log of my "sobriety dividend". Already i can feel positives to being sober, and i want to note them, as a way of encouraging myself.

1. I feel more motivated in work
2. I feel more in touch with reality
3. I feel happier in myself

-------------------------------------------------------
I need to be very careful with procrastination. I need to tackle this, as it is a big trigger for me. So even when i stay sober, if i keep up my habit of procrastination, laying the groundwork for a fall later on.

[reconstituting]

fresh,

This sounds like such a good time to drop the porn. I can't help you with the issue of whether you are gay or not - it's not a big deal - not nearly as big as kicking this horrible timewasting, demeaning habit we have all been involved in.

Go for it - give it up completely.

Recon

[freshstart]

Day 4 complete. Starting Day 5, and i feel pretty positive. I found some posts a bit triggering, and i think that i started reading them in a bid to get a thrill from the detail. I must be careful about that. I cannnot blame the posters, it is MY RESPONSIBIITY to deal with these things.

At the weekend, i was out for a few drinks with a friend of mine. I went to the bar and ordered. A man came up to the bar and started talking to me. I am pretty sociable and i presumed he was about to order a drink himself, so i chatted casually. But he started asking a lot of questions, and i noticed that he had half a drink left, and that he wasn't making any effort to order more drink. Suddenly it struck me, is this guy trying to hit on me? After this my answers became more monosyllabic and after a few minutes he said "good to meet you" and left. I should point out, this was a regular bar, not a gay bar or anything.

I've never had anyone hit on me, so i don't know how it would be, but i'm thinking that was what happened. The interesting thing from my point of view is that i had the opportunity of being chatted up by a man but i had zero interest. He was not bad looking, he wasn't sleazy, in fact were he in some P, i might have been turned on by him a week ago. But when i was presented with a chance i had zero interest. The reality of being with a man held no attraction for me whatsoever.

Now there are a couple of qualifiers to this.
1. I have always been physically faithful to my girlfriend. I know i have been unfaithful by looking at P, but i have never even kissed someone else, and i never would. So, saying that i had the opportunity isn't real because i never have the opportunity while i am still seeing my g/f. What i mean is that i am a little surprised that i had no immediate instinctive interest in this guy.

2. There is a possibility that this is purely the product of being brought up in a straight society. It could be just a mental block about this kind of thing because i don't view it as normal. But it is still surprising to me that i was in no way tempted by this guy.


Afterwards i tried to have a quick fantasy of what it would be like to go home with this guy (i'm not proud of this, i am still an addict, but i must be honest in this journal, no matter how ashamed i am of the honesty), but it did nothing for me.

Isn't it strange that most of my fantasies and P usage is about men, but the concept of being with a real live person does nothing for me. When i thought about it i realised that i only ever want to be with my g/f. There is a huge difference between S/MB and being physically intimate with the person you love. For me, one of the big things is that with MB when you come, it is over immediately and the good feelings are gone, but when you are intimate with your SO, the good feelings only intensify after you come.

[freshstart]

BTW, i told this story because it was interesting to me. But i don't want to fall into the trap of trying to find evidence that i am straight.

I don't know what pigeon hole i fit into, and at the moment i am happy not to fit into any. At least if i am honest with myself and my diary it is a start.

[MJ]

Hey freshstart,
Thanks for sharing this story with us. I was once hit on by another guy (long story---I told him though that I was straight) and he apologized and that was that.
Anyways, keep up the good work and keep sharing.
Peace,
MJ

[freshstart]

MJ,
Thanks for the encouragement. I have read some of your diary, and i know you spoke about S--ual anorexia. After i wrote my last diary entry, i read up on S--ual anorexia, and it struck me that part of what i experienced in the bar could be just that. I don't know, and at the moment i am ok with not knowing everything and having a bit of uncertainty. There is a big cake of recovery to eat, and i can only take a nibble at a time. If i try to eat the whole cake in one go i won't be able and i'll probably give up, as i have done in the past.
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I must say that i am a little thrown off this morning. I don't know why. I suppose if i am honest, my vision for recovery always had as the ultimate goal, a return to a loving and open relationship with my g/f. My greatest wish is that i could marry her. I love her so much and i really want to spend the rest of my life with her. When i read about S--ual anorexia, i start thinking that might never be possible. This is horrific. I am scared of what the future holds for me.

I started reading a book today about a guy who has a poor relationship with his father. His father views him as weak and a bit of a disappointment. He feels like his father ignores him and that he has never really won his father's approval. Of course, he blames himself for this.

I can relate to this a lot. I feel the same way about my father. I felt largely ignored by him as i grew up. i was not sporty like my brothers, and they were not many boys around my neighbourhood, so sometimes i ended up playing with the girls. My father once made reference to me being one of the girls. The author made a comment in this book, about how amazed he was that his father could hurt him so badly with so few words.

Something that i read about S--ual Anorexia was that the person thinks that if people really knew them they would never love them. Much as i love my girlfriend, and i often think that we talk about everything, but i have never told her any of this. I am scared that she will judge me in the same way as my father. Whenever i say anything about my father, she always tries to put the counter-argument. I get the feeling that she would like me to get on with my father, so i give in a little. Having a poor relationship with your father, especially with him not validating your masculinity seems to be associated with being gay. I think that is why she likes to paint the picture of us getting along very well, as she is scared at some level of my homos--uality.

So i tend to criticise my father indirectly, by pointing at how he treats my mother or my siblings, rather than anything that he has said to me. I do get on better with my father now, but it is heavily entrenched in my mind that i was never man enough for him, and that he never really accepted me.

I think a good step would be to start telling my girlfriend a little about my relationship with my father. It would be a healthy start, and might help to prove to myself that even if she knew my completely, she would still love me.

[freshstart]

Day 5 complete, starting day 6.

I just wanted to update my sobriety dividend. My girlfriend went out lastnight. in the middle of my addiction i might have spent the time desperately trying to pick up a wireless internet connection from one of my neighbours, and go surfing P. But last night i use the time to sort out all my bills, bank statements, receipts, invoices etc. They had built up over the last few months, and were kind of niggling at the back of my head. It feels great to have them all sorted now. Its amazing how much time P takes up.