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Post by MJ on Jan 8, 2007 6:13:29 GMT -5
Hey freshstart, Hang in there man. Thanks for stopping by in my journal. I hope it wasn't my journal that was too explicit. :-( Keep fighting. This is a tough thing to battle. Peace bro, MJ
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Post by eternalstruggle on Jan 8, 2007 18:57:43 GMT -5
hey freshstart sorry to hear about your slip. dont let it get you down too much. as your name says, make a freshstart. you know sometimes I think the fight is more important than the results. never stop fighting and never give up. Even if you slip everyday as long as you pick yourself up and make a vow to never do it again and start fighting again, one day you'll get there. BTW not suggesting that you slip everyday though!
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Post by freshstart on Jan 9, 2007 4:45:05 GMT -5
HI MJ Thanks for your support, and i hope that you are feeling a bit better today. No it wasn't your journal that was too explicit. Anyway, there will always be triggers around and it is up to me to deal with them.
Eternal Struggle Thanks for your support.
Well i jumped lastnight. It isn't correct to call it a slip, I knew what i was doing and i went ahead anyway.
But everything changed later on. At the moment i feel sick with anxiety about what the future holds for me. My g/f and i have had difficulties with S-- over the past two years. Basically i cannot finish. Obviously this is at least in part related to my addiction, although i think that there are other issues also. It was also exacerbated by the fact that she was living in a different country to me for one of those years. So we moved in together before Christmas, and we (well I ) came up with a plan, for how we could make progress on it. [trigger] I figured that we should start with some success. I can finish myself off with my hands. So we started with that. Then the plan was that i would bring myself close to climax with my hands and she would finish it. Then eventually she would do it all with hands. Then she would bring me close to climax with her hands and we would finish through S--. Then eventually it would be all s--. So all went well. Before Christmas, we had gotten as far as her doing it all with her hands. Then after Christmas, we tried to finish off with S--. But it didn't work. So the agreement is that if one stage doesn't work, then you go back to the previous stage. So last night we tried that, but she couldn't bring me to climax.
[/trigger]
ANyway, we went to sleep, but i woke up during the night and realised that she was awake as well. I asked her was anything wrong and she said no, but i didn't believe her. I lied awake for a few hours, all sorts of things going trhough my mind. Had she found my diary here? Did she know what i had been looking up earlier that night. What was happening. Was she so disappointed about yet another failure in bed that it was all too much for her.
Our anniversary is approaching (9 years) and i know that when things are not going well she always thinks about where we are going around this time of the year. After we were going out for 4 years we broke up around this time of the year. Also, last Friday i told her about my relationship with my father. I thought that maybe this was stressing her out as well. Having a poor relationship with a father who doesn't validate you seems to be a pre-disposing factor to being gay.
I was so worried i felt sick. I kept on skirting around the issue, asking her what was wrong. But she kept saying that nothing was wrong. Finally, i knew i would not sleep unless we had it out in the open. So i asked her if she was bothered about us. Yes she was. Most definitely. She thinks that i am forcing something that isn't there. There are a lot of things that i am doing wrong, but there i am genuinely attracted to her, and i know that before i developed this addiction, and when i was S--ually confident, i had no problems with S--. But obviously we are getting older, and we cannot go on like this for ever. She wants to have children (as do I) and as things stand she is stuck with someone who is S--ually incompetant.
I decided i will go to see a psychologist. But i am v nervous. There is so much to sort out, i fear it could take years, and i don't think i have years. My g/f needs to see results relatively soon. She doesn't want to reach 30 and have to go looking for someone else. Thats fair enough, i can understand that.
Issues to sort out: Addiction to P and MB Inability to climax Underlying feelings that i am not a real man Underlying gay feelings.
I think that there is probably no way to "sort out" underlying gay feelings. They are there and are unlikely to change. I will have to accept them, and i think i have. The other 3 are far more important, and i think that the third one is central to the other two. I expect failure in bed, because i am not a real man. How could i possibly make a good lover. That is the preserve of real men.
I know that is crazy talk, but at the back of my head that is what i think. I think a lot of the P addiction is also rooted in that. I first started using it when our s-- life was going really well. I wanted to give myself an extra boost, to make sure it would go even better. Why would i need an extra boost. Because at the back of it all, i think i am a fraud, something less than a man, masquerading as a real man. Obviously i would need a cheat to be able to do the things that real men do.
At this stage, in the slump of an addiction, the P I use convinces me further that i am not a real man, so i distract myself from this pain by using even more.
I had no breakfast this morning. I thought i would get sick if i ate it. I am very anxious about the future, which i know is pointless. The future will happen whether or not i am worried about it. I just have to accept that and make the best i can out of things.
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Post by Lion on Jan 9, 2007 11:16:01 GMT -5
Freshstart,
You were saying that you and your g/f were making progress in terms of your sex issues, but when 1 step didn't work you went back to the previous, which didn't work either. Maybe this was just because you were maybe tensed or anxious in your mind? Maybe that feeling was increased after your slip from the day before? Most lovemaking is happening between the ears anyway, so if things are not sorted out there, your body will protest and not co-operate. I know everything about it. Instead of retarded ejaculation I've had ED and premature ejaculation and I found them to always go 'wrong' when I was feeling anxious or tensed or something like that. Also it often happends after I slipped with P and feel mad about that. So what I am trying to say is that you shouldn't be too worried that things didn't work out last time with your g/f. Don't let your motivation slip please. I am convinced that eventually things will work out. I suffered from a bad case of ED and lately things are going way better, so I believe that everything solvable.
Take care, Lion
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Post by MJ on Jan 9, 2007 18:59:41 GMT -5
Hey freshstart,
You've made a very profound post here. My heart goes out to you. Keep writing about it and please let us know how it goes with the psychologist. I have long thought to start seeing one, but between finances and my own pride I haven't done it yet. Keep us posted on things. I identify with you especially because I too struggle with gay feelings in addition to this addiction.
Take care bro, MJ
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Post by freshstart on Jan 11, 2007 4:42:37 GMT -5
Hi Lion Thanks for your support. Of course you are right. Most of lovemaking is between the ears, what happens below the belt is just a manifestation of what i sgoing on between the ears. I have always suffered from too much consciousness. I find it difficult to lose myself in the moment (except ironically when i am viewing P). My conscious mind just keeps butting in. Thanks for your support. Do you have a journal. Yoru support is very welcome, and if you have a journal i would like to read it.
Hi MJ, I hope you are feeling a bit better, thanks for your support and your PM.
This week has been pretty traumatic. I felt sick most of tuesday. I barely ate all day. At times i wondered did i want to go on living. I never considered suicide or anything, but i certainly thought that sometimes it might be easier if I was knocked down crossing the road. I don't want to put anyone on a downer, so sorry if this is depressing. That is just how i felt. I wouldn't have sought death, but i thought that maybe death wouuldn't have been so bad.
However, all feelings pass sooner or later, and these passed sooner. I find it hard not to be happy around my g/f. I went home on tuesday evening and we talked and everything seems ok. I will go to a counsellor. I have been considering this for a while anyway. Also, it may have been a watershed with regard to this addiction. It is not that everything will be easy from now on. But the shock of what happened has given me a severe kick up the ass, and made me aware of the reality of what i am doing. I have said before that maintaining sobriety should be my top priority every day, but it hasn't been. Well now it is.
Also, i have spoken very frankly to my girlfriend in the last few days. I have been very open about how i feel about my father. It is good to get it out there. I don't know what the future holds. I feel quite uncertain about it, but i know that whatever happens, it won't be the end of the world.
BTW: Day 3 clean
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Post by freshstart on Jan 12, 2007 4:28:49 GMT -5
So this is the start of Day 4.
My mood is very odd this week. Sometimes i feel OK, as if what has happened has marked a watershed for me, and at least i will be making a sustained effort to deal with things from now on. At other times (like now) i just feel sad. I don't know why, i just feel sad.
My g/f mentioned last night that since we had that talk i had been distant with her. She asked was i angry with her for saying. I'm certainly not angry with her, but i told her that i was a bit hurt. If she felt like that i would certainly not want her to keep it to herself, so i don't want to discourage her from speaking openly in the future. Thinking about it now, i don't know why i felt hurt. Did she say anything that wasn't true, or did she say it in order to hurt me? No.
Maybe hurt isn't the right word. Maybe just sad and vulnerable. She is right, i do feel a bit distant. I feel like all my inadaquecies have been exposed and i want to curl up and protect myself. This feels all too familiar.
When we were going out initially my g/f was very wary of S-- or anything beyond kissing and a little petting. Slowly that moved on to genital touching, but i was left in no doubt that it would go no further for some time. That was OK by me. She was my first girlfriend and this was all undiscovered territory to me anyway. Also, we were both quite shy and coy around teh area of S--. When we first started going out we would talk for ages and ages, and then eventually would start kissing. It took months before i would just walk up to her and kiss her. But everything was good. We were discovering all this together, and i was naturally very turned on by the whole thing.
But about a year into the relationship, i noticed that i was losing my erection while we were making out. This was a little stressful. What was going on? I wondered was it connected to the gay feelings i had? I didn't understand. Anyway, i hid the problem and got more and more stressed about it. When it came to exam time at university, exam stress coupled with this stress and i ended up having what must have been a panic attack. I felt a little suicidal, but not really. I didn't understand what was happening. But eventually my body kicked in and i started to throw up. What a relief. Suddenly it was something i could tell people about.
After that i struggled through exams and went abroad for the summer. Ok, i don't really have time to go through all this at the moment. Suffice to say that i told my g/f that i had problems in this regard, but that it was just performance anxiety. We went through a lot of ups and downs with things working and then not working. This went on for a number of years. Looking back its hard to see how we stayed together. Some might say we don't face up to things. I would rather think that at some level we were made for each other and that other parts of our relationship were so strong that they kept us together.
Anyway, my g/f borke up for a while and then we got back together. I went to a hypno-psychotherapist. Nothing worked. Then eventually i found out that i had a pituitary tumour. This is not malignant, but it meant that i had no testosterone. The symptoms of this are impotence and reduced/absent s-- drive.
All was sorted and for a while things went very well. But now i am back at that time. All the feelings of inadaquecy, having my g/f feel alternatively pity and then anger, all the dreading of s--ual encounters because they may end in failure. I went through it for so long, and now i face it again. It makes me miserable and sad. I do feel hurt, but i can't say that my g/f hurt me, i am just hurt.
Starting day 4. Don't feel like P-ing or MBing. I think i am safe today.
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Post by freshstart on Jan 14, 2007 4:50:03 GMT -5
Start of Day 6. Feeling a little bit tempted, but the shock of earlier this week is keeping me OK. Everytime i even start to consider a fantasy, i imagine myself post-MB sitting on my own in front of a computer, at 3 am, wondering if there is any point to my life anymore, or if i have any hope of ever breaking away from this.
If i let things go further, and start fantasising, i will not be able to think this rationally, so i must stay strong when i am in a position of some strength. I cannot let myself even consider fantasising, because i am not strong enough to stop at fantasy.
Doing OK. Had a visit from friends of ours lastnight. We had a really good night. They are extremely nice people and i always enjoy meeting them.
I am on my own in the apartment now (and will be for the next three hours). I have broadband access, and know where i could get loads of free P. Just the kind i like. But i won't. Because at the moment i have the clarity to look ahead and imagine how i would feel at the end of a three hour binge. I can remember how i felt at the end of all those other binges. I pray to God that i will always have that clarity, although i know times will come when i won't, and then i need something else................ i don't know what. In addition, i need to work on myself so that i will no longer crave it in the same way.
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Post by freshstart on Jan 14, 2007 5:36:21 GMT -5
I need to start working on a plan. That would be a constructive use of my time here. First part, positive things i need to do, (is that inner circle or outer circle???)
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Post by JohnG on Jan 14, 2007 7:43:01 GMT -5
Isn't it strange that most of my fantasies and P usage is about men, but the concept of being with a real live person does nothing for me. Hi freshstart. I have been reading your journal and identify with a lot of things. For example - the above quote. Some of the things I fantasized about - the mother/son thing (still hard to say that out loud) - only had value as a fantasy. I always imagined myself as the son, but my "mother" was always very different from my own mother. For one thing, the mother in my fantasy was very attractive. My mother, now passed away, was not very attractive. She was when she was young but for as far back as I can remember she was a severe alcoholic and chain smoker. And it showed - she was about as far as you can get from the older women in my fantasies - they were always very well preserved, in shape, sharp dressers, wore nice jewerly, etc. I don't know if I should have, but I too always took some comfort from the fact that my fantasy seemed only to hold appeal as a fantasy. To imagine the real thing (my own mother) was/is a definite turn-OFF. I think it was the taboo of it perhaps that turned me on? Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for your support and good luck. I hope I am not just another fly-by-night here and that we will see each other around here for a long time. JohnG
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Post by freshstart on Jan 15, 2007 12:34:23 GMT -5
Hi JohnG Thanks for your support. It seems like you are doing everything right, so hopefully we will see eachother around for a long time yet.
---------------------------------------------------------- As for me, well right now i don't feel so good. I went to mass yesterday and it was nice, and i had a good day overall. I feel bad right now though and im not quite sure why. But i need to figure out, as this feeling leads to P-ing.
I think i am afraid of the future. I think about when i visit a therapist, and i think that it would take them forever to sort me out. Ok, please be rational FS, what is there to sort out:
Inability to "finish" during S-- Feelings of inadaquecy in my masculinity Porn and MB addiction Gay feelings - i realise that therapy will not get rid of these. I accept them as part of me, but they will complicate the treatment of the others. Pee-shy (I cannot use a urinal in public bathrooms when other people are there. I get conscious and clamp up. It reminds me a little of the way in which i cannot finish during S--. Also, it is another example of the way that i feel separated from other men. All men go to the bathroom to pee, and i separate off from the crowd, and pretend i don't need to go. I'm sure people must have noticed it.)
I think that anyone of those on their own would take a long time to sort out, but all of them together. The big problem is that they are probably all interlinked, so can any be sorted on their own?
Wow, how did i get so messed up? Its phenomenal. So yes i am worried about this, but i must learn a) Worry is a normal part of people's lives and everyone else just puts up with it. b) I have to live in the moment and trust that God will take care of the future.
Doesn't make it feel any better though!
Tomorrow i will work on outer Circle behaviour
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Post by freshstart on Jan 16, 2007 4:22:54 GMT -5
Starting Day 8. I had a nice talk with my g/f last night. We started to get intimate, but i couldn't let it progress because i didn't know where it was going. Last week it felt that our plan was rubbished, and i know that if we tried to make love now, i would not be able to finish. I hate the feeling of failure when it doesn't work, and I wasn't willing to start something if that was going to be the result.
So we had a great talk and she said that most of all she would like me to enjoy it and not be so obsessed with an endpoint. This is good advice and she gave me a concrete example. But something else that i would like, and i'm sure she would like too is that i would pursue S-- for myself rather than as some kind of duty to keep her happy (almost like doing my share of the laundry). This sounds like SA speak, but what i mean is that i should view S-- as a pleasurable activity rather than something i do in order to keep my g/f happy.
I really feel her support at the moment, i love her so much. She is a fantastic person with a great heart.
Anyway, Outer Circle behaviour -Writing a to do list on my white board every morning of work. -Not procrastinating -Leaving work on time -Praying every day -Making an act of humility every day -Living in the present, letting go of the past and trusting the future to God -Asking God's advice for decisions
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Post by dijit80 on Jan 16, 2007 4:35:10 GMT -5
Just a quick message to say well done with day 8! and I hope the date idea works for you too and with the issue above. Dijit80
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Post by freshstart on Jan 16, 2007 11:10:04 GMT -5
Dijit 80. Thanks for your good wishes.
I have been procrastinating. This is one of my middle circle behaviours for sure. Sometimes i procrastinate because i have gotten out of a rhythm of work, rather than actually being frightened by work. I need to get back into it. I was also tempted by a trigger today, so i need to avoid that trigger in future, and also to be careful today.....trigger at lunch, followed by procrastination in the afternoon - not a good combination.
I love being sober. I love the freedom, and the positive thoughts. I love the feeling of achievement.
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RB
New Member
Posts: 26
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Post by RB on Jan 16, 2007 14:42:05 GMT -5
Hey freshstart, I am a new member in here, and somehow stumbled on your journal. While I cannot relate to the gay issue, I can relate to the fact that with P, there is never rejection. It is always there...waiting, ready to help me (falsely) realize that I am OK, and the whole addiction process is so insane. Pain...acting out, shame, more pain, which leads to acting out again. Ahhhhhhhhhh. Anyway, not sure if this helps but I am trying to realize that God loves me in spite of me, and that my feelings of low self worth have been there since I was a boy. Hopefully, in here and through meetings and counseling, I can gain sobriety and also healing from all the reasons behind my SA. I think you are the same, eh? I will pray for you now....and I will let you know...You encourage me! You are making great strides and I know you will keep going, one step, one day at a time. (I think eventually the private moments with your gf will get better too) Anyway, I am on day 3 today, and am feeling hopeful. Thanks for reading, God Bless. RB
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