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Post by rockbottom on Dec 20, 2006 12:32:36 GMT -5
Hello freshstart.
Just thought I would pop in and give you my support. You seem to be making a very positive start to your recovery. It's good that you have started to identify the positives/negatives with regard a plethora of issues in your life. I don't think there are any hard-and-fast rules to anything in life - it's a continual learning process. One that will give us a great insight about ourselves and why we use P and Mb to deal with what is intrinsically both wonderful and terrible about the world.
Hopefully, with the help of everyone on this board, and our own self-determination we can do this.
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Post by MJ on Dec 20, 2006 16:14:48 GMT -5
Hey FreshStart,
Thanks for checking in with us. Yes, I also consider myself a sufferer of sexual anorexia and yet being a p and mb addict as well. I bought a book on sexual anorexia by Patrick Carnes, and while I can identify with several of the things spoken about, the description doesn't fit me to a T. Most sexual anorectics have been abused in their childhood or have experienced some type of sexual trauma. I was never abused or anything but somehow I developed so so that I never had any type of physical relationship with a girl or any person in general. No kissing, no sex, no intimacy. Nothing.
I still am trying to figure out how and why this happened. I hope one day to understand better what exactly happened to me.
Anyways, keep journaling. I'm glad you're here with us.
Peace, MJ
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Post by freshstart on Dec 21, 2006 4:06:42 GMT -5
Rockbottom Thanks for your support.
MJ: i know what you mean. In lots of ways i don't fit into the s--ual anorexia category. I have had relationships, i have kissed girls, and i have had s--. But equally i see a major part of me that avoids real s--. I look at P and MB. Then i feel bad and dirty about sex, so i avoid it with my g/f. I want to feel clean before i make love to her. But i notice that i often use P/MB in the time running up to her visits. I don't consciously recognise this at the time, but when its over, i realise it. It is like i am sub-consciously setting myself up for failure with real s--. I have had a lot of problems with s-- over the years, and i think maybe i avoid it now, because i associate it with failure. I will write more about this another time, but right now there are other things on my mind.
As i mentioned, I am reading the kite runner. I can identify so much with the narrator of this book (so far at least). Its as if he had my childhood. It is great in ways, but also brings up a lot of memories. It is certainly affecting me in a big way. I was very unathletic, very unsporty when i was at school. I was ashamed of this. I remember lying awake at night worrying, because i knew i would not make the school football team as my brothers had. I was so ashamed. I worried about this so much.
The narrator becomes very craven, and ends up doing something terrible. I don't think that i have a major event like this on my conscience, but on a smaller scale i know the exact feelings of the author. He wants his father's approval so much, that he does terrible things to get it. From the outside, i can see that it is really his father's fault. If his father raised him with love and acceptance, he would be much stronger, more confident, and thus would have the strength to do the right thing. But he has grown up with such a longing for his father's approval that he is willing to do very bad things to get it.
There are many things i must learn. Its funny how sometimes things can come along at just the right time. So far i can identify so closely with the narrator of this book. I am sure there is much i can learn from it.
So am i doing now because i lacked the feeling of my father's approval. I say it like this, because i don't know that he didn't approve of me, in fact there is some evidence that he did, but i definitely felt at the time that he didn't approve of me, and that is what may be still affecting my actions. [as an aside, maybe because i was a little weak and unathletic, i needed extra support from my father to feel strong. He is a very reserved man, not given to big dsplays of affection or even approval].
I could say that the reason i never accepted my gay feelings, and came out, is because i was scared for so long that i wasn't a real man, and at some level, i feel that admitting i am gay would confirm that. But for the moment, i am not going to make any changes on that score. Life has progressed, ihave had a girlfriend for the past nine years. I love her very much, and in most ways we have a brilliant relationship together. I would like to marry her, and she me. If i broke up with ehr now, and came out, i think that would probably ruin her life. She is now 27 and we have been going out since she was 18. One of the main ambitions of her life is to have children, and if we broke up now, that would be put in serious jeopardy.
I know this sounds like rationalisation on a grand scale. Maybe it is. I know i would not continue if i did not love her and if i was not attracted to her. I do love her very much. I am attracted to her. I think i can give her a good life. Overall, despite some ups and downs over the last nine years, i think i have made her very happy.
Apart from this, i think that i go to significant effort to appear manly, and to hide the softer side of myself. I didn't always do this, but over the last few years i have definitely started. From now, i will try to accept myself, and allow myself to appear as i really am. I will make an effort to talk to my g/f about my father, and i will be as open as possible. It is time to accept myself as i am, and not to be ashamed.
Just my thoughts. They are a bit jumbled. But thats ok, they will sort themselves out.
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Post by spottop on Dec 21, 2006 4:22:42 GMT -5
Good to see you here on the board freshstart, and what a new fresh start you can look forward to once things start to sort themselves out. That is something you can feel comfortable doing here on the board, open up and be honest with yourself and us.
As long as you have the true desire to overcome, it can happen. I'm not intending it to sound easy, it won't be but we can help each other make the trip a successful journey.
Keep coming back and post, post, post. You'll learn a lot from a lot of good people here.
Prayers & Peace
spottop
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Post by freshstart on Dec 21, 2006 7:01:47 GMT -5
Thanks very much Spottop.
Unfortunately i slipped. It wasn't extremely serious stuff, but it was a slip none the less. In the past, whenever i slipped, i wwent on a massive binge, because i couldn't face the humiliation of coming on here and admitting failure. Well this is one humiliation that is very healthy.
Time wasted to P: 1 hour
I set myself up for this slip since this morning.
[trigger]I am very narcissistic. I don't know much about narcissism, or what causes it, but since i started puberty, i have often (majority of the time) MBed in the mirror. As i was attracted to the male body, i had free P in teh mirror any time i chose to look. I used to think it was great, and wondered what the straight guys did to get off. It was so easy for me.
Of course, now i wish i had never started that. I am back at the gym, and this morning before i went into the shower i was looking in the mirror admiring my bod. I knew it was wrong, and succeeded in stopping it, but then i sneaked a look again. I was very pleased with how i looked (EGO - this always pulls me down).
[/trigger]
So this flirtation with fantasy set me up. Then when i came to work, i wrote my diary as usual, but stayed on the net for a while afterwards, absentmindedly following links. Nothing to do with P or even S-- initially, but eventually one thing led to another.
I am disappointed with myself, but maybe the best thing now is to accept that it happened and work towards preventing it from happening again.
Some new rules 1. No checking myself out in front of the mirror. If i catch my ego thinking about how buff i am, halt it immediately. Think instead of the humiliation if i fall.
2. Write diary first thing every morning. But then turn off i/net immediately and start work.
3. No mindless looking through boards. Infact boards are off limit from now on, unless i have a very valid reason. If i do, then i have to come on here and post why, and leave it one day to allow for responses, before i can use them.
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Post by freshstart on Jan 3, 2007 3:57:07 GMT -5
I haven't been on this board all Christmas, mainly because i didn't have internet access. Well in truth, i just didn't have convenient internet access. As i was out of range of the internet, i didn't have access to P, so i am now 13 days free of P. But it feels a little hollow. It hasn't really been earned, and the thing i could have earned over this time (freedom from MB and fantasy), i have not earned. I have indulged both of them. So all of this set me up for a day of massive binging when i arrived at work this morning, but somehow God brought me here, and i said that i would take a quick look at this board before i looked at P. As soon as i read a few messages on this board, i knew i didn't really want to look at P.
But i am like an alcoholic who has gone to the shop and bought a bottle of vodka. Now i am busy trying to pursuade myself not to drink it. I have not been working on my recovery all Christmas, and now i am close to the edge. I have to remember that i have only 8 hours to get through today, and then i will be home free. If i can make it through this time, it may be easier tomorrow, or at least i will have a some freedom tonight before i have to do battle tomorrow morning.
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Post by freshstart on Jan 4, 2007 4:32:08 GMT -5
Well i won't say that it was inevitable, because that kind of gives me an excuse, but i had made things very difficult for myself by not following a recovery plan over Christmas. So yes i binged yesterday. I cannot call it a slip, because i spent the whole day looking at P. I didn't even bother MBing, i wasn't even horny. I'm just sad.
I set up an account and subscribed to a lot of free P, and after my first session of binging, i wanted to delete the account, but i have set up and then deleted an account on this site so many times that it is just pathetic at this stage. So i tried a bit of reverse psychology, and told myself that i would leave the account there as a reminder of how sick i had been. I was trying to break my cycle of binge and purge. But when i stopped myself from purging, i just continued on the binge phase. So instead of stopping after the first binge session, i spent almost the entire day binging. In the end, i was broken and had to admit absolute defeat. I deleted the account, in the hope that i can get some work done today. ------------------------------------------------------------------ So today i start day 1. ------------------------------------------------------------------ What is my greatest fear today?
That i will never have a normal S-- life with my g/f. ------------------------------------------------------------------ What am i going to do for recovery today? Read step 1. ------------------------------------------------------------------
Time wasted to P: 8 hours ------------------------------------------------------------------
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Post by MJ on Jan 4, 2007 10:59:30 GMT -5
Hey freshstart,
Just wanted you to know that I'm following your journal and I'm lending you my support. Keep writing about these things. We are all here to help each other. Hang in there!
MJ
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Post by freshstart on Jan 4, 2007 12:47:59 GMT -5
HI MJ Thanks for your good words, but i have fallen again. Why do i do this. Binge and Purge, Binge and Purge. I need to seriously re-evaluate my life. I am spiralling out of control, just when everything could be so good for me.
To look on the tiny sliver of positivity, it is a good thing that i am still coming here. I can change, but i need to make recovery part of every minute of my life.
Time wasted on P: 2 hours
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Post by MJ on Jan 4, 2007 13:06:16 GMT -5
Hey freshstart, Keep posting. Don't be hard on yourself. You're absolutely right that it's good that you're coming here. Keep reaching out to us. Peace, MJ
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Post by Lion on Jan 4, 2007 13:09:34 GMT -5
Hello Freshstart,
Sorry to hear about your binge. I myself suffered from a binge 2 days ago, which had not happened in quite a while. Basically I've been slipping for over a week now constantly. Thankfully I am on day 2 now and I am ready to build a decent sobriety period again. I must do this, because like you I was in a downward spiral this week.
What I wonder about is your fears of not being able to have a normal sexlife with your girlfriend. This is actually one of my main motivators behind my decision to kick my P habits. I have a troubled sexual life as well, and although it is not just because of P, it helps to fuel the trouble. I noticed that during my two sobriety periods since I joined (31 days and 23 days), things were vastly improving already! Maybe this will work as some motivation for you.
Anyway, you must get out of the spiral and get back on the horse. Be strong and goodluck!
Lion
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Post by eternalstruggle on Jan 4, 2007 13:53:44 GMT -5
Freshstart,
Just wanted to say thanks for your journal. I've just spent half an hour or so reading your journal and learnt that I have to be honest if I am to have any chance of kicking this habbit. You've been so honest man! I didnt think I could do that but I feel I should, you've really encouraged me.
And look man, dont worry about slipping/binging (I dont mean that its a good thing), you've done really well so far. dont let this destroy what you have achieved already. As a Muslim I believe its satan (and our own desires) which tempt and encourage us to fall into the disobedience of God and he also tries to discourage us when we try to return to God do the right thing. So right now he might be telling you "Forget it, you'll never free yourself" and the likes but you must carry on. With effort on your part and help from God you will come out of this and I hope so will all of us.
And I really hope things work out with you and your g/f. I am married and to be happily married is such a beautiful thing, it is truly one of the biggest blessings that God has given to us. Thats why I am so eager to rid myself of P and M, I fear that it might ruin my marriage/family life.
Anyway, thanks again and dont give up, you've inspired me.
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Post by freshstart on Jan 5, 2007 4:29:51 GMT -5
MJ Thanks for your ever-present support. Its a great encouragement.
Lion Like you, i have had a troubled s-- life, on and off, for the last few years. There have been periods when everything has been great, and periods when things have been terrible. These problems did not begin with my addiction, in fact i think that they contributed to my addiction. However, my addiction exacerbates them very much. I will try to use an improvement in my S-- life as an motivation for recovery, but for some reason that i don't really understand, i seem to always sabotage my recovery just when my S-- life begins to improve. Is it possible to be scared of success? I don't know.
EternalStruggle I am humbled by your compliment. I feel very uneasy about taking praise, considering my poor performance with sobriety. In addition, while it is a big step for me to be honest with myself and this board, i have yet to be fully honest with those i love i.e., my girlfriend.
Having said that, they say "the truth will set you free". It sounds trite, but whenever i open up, the reaction is never as bad as i expect, and it does lift a weight off your shoulders. Being honest about these difficult issues is a constant struggle for me, as i have spent so much of my life constructing an image of how i want the world to see me. But thanks for your encouragement. I will use it to motivate myself to continue being honest.
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As for me, well i'm starting Day 1 again. Sometimes all this seems so difficult, and yet in ways, there are many parts of it that are so simple.
1. Do not look at P-rn 2. Do not mast--b-te
To achieve these
Do Not: a. Fantasise during the day b. Check myself out in the mirror c. Touch myself at all
Do: a. Write here every day b. Break my work down into many small achievable goals c. Set realistic targets for what can be achieved every day d. Pray daily e. Stay honest
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Post by Lion on Jan 5, 2007 12:39:04 GMT -5
Freshstart,
For me it is usually when my sex life is improving, I get extremely complacent. I think I am already 'cured', which leads me straight back into P. It's strange how I indeed sabotage my own success.
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Post by freshstart on Jan 8, 2007 5:05:08 GMT -5
Starting again. This is Day 2. This is pathetic
Time wasted to P: 5 hours
I have read someones diary and they are extremely explicit/graphic in their descriptions. I must avoid this diary in the future.
I have been praying last night and this morning. I would love to stay sober for just today.
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