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Post by MJ on Jan 19, 2007 17:18:16 GMT -5
Hang in there, freshstart! We're all here for you! ---MJ
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Post by JohnG on Jan 22, 2007 5:56:23 GMT -5
FS,
Where are you? Please check in with us ok?
JohnG
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Post by freshstart on Jan 22, 2007 8:27:54 GMT -5
Hey, Thanks everyone for your support and concern. I am still clean, 14 days i think, but i'll have to check that. I was away all weekend, and didn't have access to a computer, so that is why i did not post.
Have to run now, but will check in and write properly this evening.
FS
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Andy
Full Member
Posts: 233
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Post by Andy on Jan 22, 2007 9:05:56 GMT -5
Hiya Freshstart,
I too am Pee-Shy, have the same trouble sleeping (my mind wakes me up when i am about to drop off) I think it stems from bed wetting when i was a kid. Also I have questioned my sexuality in the past. I have never had a WD though I think this is because i have always been addicted to MB!
I am trying to conquer my pee-shy problem but I cant ever see myself peeing in a urinal next to someone else it feels like it is just never gonna happen I would love to be able too though!
About the sexuality thing, do you see girl as pretty or guys as pretty or both or neither. And when you say you are mostly gay do you mean in a sexual way or in a fancying way. Its all very confusing this sexuality thing.
With me I think I am bi sexual but neither gay nor straight in the other way. I dont think it really matters. I thought i was gay for a bit and came out as gay to my friends. But in hindsite I think I was just confusing being bi-sexual (SA) with being gay. I think there is a lot more to being gay its not simply sex its about love and who you fancy. So when you say gay do you mean bi-sexual or do you mean gay. If you are gay then there is nothing to be ashamed of and I dont think there is anything to be ashamed of in being bi-sexual!
Anyway, im still avoiding doing any work.
Take care freshstart and good luck with keeping off of P and MB.
Andy
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Post by JohnG on Jan 23, 2007 5:29:44 GMT -5
FS,
How are you doing? I haven't gotten a sense from your last couple of posts how you are doing other than that you made it to 14 days. Please check in with us.
JohnG
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Post by freshstart on Jan 23, 2007 8:32:45 GMT -5
Lion and MJ, thanks for your support and good wishes.
John G, thanks for checking in on me, and for giving me a little wake-up call. I did come here yesterday to write more fully, but as i had limited time, and MJ seemed to be in a bad place, i decided to write in his diary instead. But of course the best way we can all help each other, is by staying sober in the first instance.
As for how i am, well i feel OK. I am still sober (start of Day 15). I had a lot of temptations at the weekend. I was driving a bit, and when my mind started to wander to fantasy, i turned off the radio and prayed the rosary. I know the religious thing doesn't appeal to a lot of people here, and i have some reservations, but i think it is very humbling (in a good way) to pray. It also helps with something i have been trying to implement recently. When i am tempted, i have acknowledged that i cannot beat this addiction. I have said that God can, and i have said that i will let him (i can't, He can, I'll let him). Then i have asked myself what would God want me to do now. Obviously, if i follow this, i am taken far away from P. As far as i know, this is part of the first 3 steps. I am not so foolish as to think, that i have completed steps 1- 3, just because i have implemented this phrase a few times, but i suppose it is a change in my mentality.
JohnG, you are a great addition to this board, and i really appreciate your honesty and concern. If you spot me Bull$hitting, or coasting without making any progress towards recovery, please do call it. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Andy I have never met another person who is pee-shy, even online like this. I think that it contributes to my feelings of not being a proper man. If i am out drinking with my friends, and one of them goes to the bathroom the same time as me, i have to pretend i need to use a cubicle. Most of the time the cubicles are full and i have to wait. Its as if all the men go to the urinals and the less-than-men go use the cubicles. No insult to you with this, this just reflects how i feel about myself. Another instance was last year when i was on holidays with my friends. When we got off the flight, everyone went for the toilets, but i pretended that i didn't need to go. Then ten minutes later i went. It must have looked so odd, and i am sure (paranoia?) that some of them must have noticed that they have never seen me at a urinal. I couldn't be so regular that i need to use the cubicle all the time.
As for S--uality. I notice the good looks of both men and women, but i would get turned on by the thoughts of men more than women. In terms of fancying, that is difficult to say. I suppose i have always seen myself going out with girls, i have seriously fallen for two girls (enough to keep me awake at night thinking about them), and i have (still do) love one girl. I have never really pictured a life of being married to another man, i have never really fancied any men i knew. I have had a few MB fantasies about men i knew, but this is very rare for me. But having said that, my MB and most of my P use has been about other men.
I don't know.
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My GF asked me last night if i had founda therapist. I said No. I have been busy, but equally i haven't made it a top priority. I should make it an absolute priority, but ihaven't. Initially i felt she was being unfair, because she knows that i have been busy, but i let it go, on the presumption that maybe i was being defensive. I don't know if i was being overly defensive, but i think she was right to raise it, and i am glad i did not get angry over it.
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Post by JohnG on Jan 23, 2007 9:24:35 GMT -5
I know the religious thing doesn't appeal to a lot of people here, and i have some reservations, but i think it is very humbling (in a good way) to pray. It also helps with something i have been trying to implement recently. When i am tempted, i have acknowledged that i cannot beat this addiction. I have said that God can, and i have said that i will let him (i can't, He can, I'll let him). Then i have asked myself what would God want me to do now. Obviously, if i follow this, i am taken far away from P. As far as i know, this is part of the first 3 steps. I am not so foolish as to think, that i have completed steps 1- 3, just because i have implemented this phrase a few times, but i suppose it is a change in my mentality. I am an atheist - but I pray and when I do, it works. I don't get into any debates with myself anymore about why this may be. I just accept the help. My problem with prayer has always been consistency. I do it when I am desperate - I rarely do it when I am feeling ok. But I do know that those who integrate it into their lives and are sincere and connected while they do it, are safer - they avoid getting to the brink that often puts me on my knees. I don't know anything about being pee-shy but I can tell you those guys didn't notice. You are hyper-sensitive because it is an issue for you and you assume, like the guy who has smoked the joint and is now browsing the isle at the 7-Eleven for munchies, that everyone can tell. I assure you the non-pee-shy guys don't even know there are guys who have this issue. The odd thing is that after you said this I realized that I have been in stalls before in large empty bathrooms and noticed guys go into a stall to just piss, but I never thought anything of it. I guess I just figured some guys like privacy. There are all types in the world. I have a friend who thinks it is gross to fart in a public restroom - that you should hold it for home. Me? I find a lot of humor in public farting (yes I am immature). Anyway, I wouldn't have thought that was strange as I wouldn't have even noticed. I don't observe the timing of people's urinations too closely. It is natural for her to wonder if you are putting it off. A lot of us resist this kind of thing and the SO's know it. Stay well! JohnG
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Post by MJ on Jan 23, 2007 18:26:29 GMT -5
Hey freshstart, I want to thank you for stopping by in my journal. I really appreciate your concern for me. As you know, I'm having a very hard time right now. I just wanted to thank you, however, for offering me support. Your friend, MJ
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Post by freshstart on Jan 24, 2007 4:42:55 GMT -5
John G, Thanks for your re-assurance about the pee-shy thing. Of course, being the stoned guy in seven-eleven, i still do think that other people notice. But maybe more importantly, i notice. For me, it is one more way that i don't fit in with most other men. I'm not trying to wallow in self pity here, or talk myself into depression. I'm just trying to acknowledge some of the things that bother me. But i also have to be careful not to wallow in them.
MJ Thanks for dropping by. Just look after yourself now. Don't feel that you have to read all the new posts and respond to them all. Your primary concern is staying sober everyday. So just focus on that, and when you feel a little better, then you can worry about other people.
Starting Day 16. It funny, i felt reasonably good yesterday, and even this morning, but right now when i start to write this, i feel quite sad, almost as if i could cry. This has come on me all of a sudden, and i don't really know why. I guess, as usual i am scared, scared of what the future holds. I must keep to my plan of trusting in God to take care of the future. I am at work now, but if i was at home, i think it might even be therapeutic to engage in a little crying. Strange, eh?
Overall i feel ok, but maybe a little tired. I will start work, and hopefully work my way into a more energetic feeling.
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Post by Lion on Jan 24, 2007 4:51:57 GMT -5
Freshstart
Crying is not bad. If you must cry, then don't hold it back. It could be therapeutic in some ways. Don't be scared of the future man, try to give things a positive twist. You hold the key to your future. At least, that is what I always try to tell myself. You are the one in control of the future.
About the pee-shy thing, I assure you, you are not the only one. I myself have/had a mild form of it as well. For instance, when I was in a club, I found it very difficult to pee standing in between two strange guys. This had developed a bit into not being able to pee with anyone in near proximity, including my family member or ex-gf. Although I believe the same as John G, that your friends haven't noticed, my current GF did notice. I would never pee for instance if we were together in the bathroom at home. I thought she hadn't noticed, but she brought it up the other day, and I didn't like the fact that she 'caught' me.
Anyway, stay strong and positive man. Hang in there.
Lion
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Post by JohnG on Jan 24, 2007 5:02:20 GMT -5
FS,
I think most men have some level of pee-shyness. Seriously. I have noticed over the years that, invariably, if there are, for example, three urinals, and I am at the end one (which I always choose because that way I am never boxed in), no one ever ever goes to the middle one. The next guy will always go to the other end. If on the hand, there are ten urinals and no one in the rest room I don't go to the end because I know for a fact that the next guy in will never pick a urinal right next to me. It is not natural for strangers to urinate next to one another. No one likes it, but since most tolerate it, it makes sense because urinals are cheaper, more efficient, easier maintenance, etc.
Of course, as you say, what matters is that it bothers you. I just hope that giving my take on it will make you less worried about it. It is probably more normal than you think.
JohnG
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Post by freshstart on Jan 24, 2007 11:15:46 GMT -5
Hi Lion and JohnG Thanks for dropping by. It is good to know that i am not the only one with this. Sometimes i have been able to pee while other people were in the vicinity, but only in those big airport bathrooms, where the other person might be about 10 urinals away. My main difficulty is in bars. This is an absolute impossibility for me. Oh well, if that was my only worry i would be OK.
I am at work, so i went outside to try to make an appointment with a counsellor. I didn't succeed, but even still it was quite stressful. I ended up buying a bar of chocolate on the way back, just to comfort myself. If any of the people who knew me heard that they would be very shocked. I never eat chocolate or pringles, or coke or anything unhealthy really, and i never comfort eat. Funny. I don't think that i was avoiding finding a therapist, but now i would happily avoid it. Not an option however. I will press ahead, but i'll leave it until this evening.
FS
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Post by JohnG on Jan 24, 2007 12:17:42 GMT -5
FS,
We are all behind you here. Good post.
Your friend,
JohnG
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Post by freshstart on Jan 24, 2007 12:44:28 GMT -5
just wanted to acknowledge that i just took a step down the road to P. I went on to an innocent website for a work related purpose, but at the back of my head i knew that there might be something stimulating on there. In truth, although it was a work-related activity, i did not NEED to do it. I didn't see anything fortunately, but i did consider going further, playing with fire a little more. I asked myself what God would want me to do in this situation and the answer was instantly clear. Stop what i was doing and write here.
The reasons for this: 1. I am stressed about getting a counsellor 2. I have procrastinated at work all day.
Procrastination at work is a major trigger for me. Tomorrow i must do better with this.
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Post by JohnG on Jan 24, 2007 12:56:28 GMT -5
FS,
Good work! We are always here for you. Please stay clean for the next 24 hours.
JohnG
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