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Post by JohnG on Jan 24, 2007 13:00:51 GMT -5
A follow up - the above is a very good piece of honesty. You were in a dangerous place because of your motives for being there - and you see it. You did not minimize it or attempt to decieve yourself - those are important steps.
Please be safe.
JohnG
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Post by freshstart on Jan 25, 2007 4:41:47 GMT -5
JohnG Thanks for checking in. You are helping to keep me honest. You set high standards for recovery, and they are standards i want to meet.
Start of Day 17. I must tackle procrastination today. I did ok lastnight. My G/F was out, and i faced into a task that i really didn't want to do. I have to write up a report on a project i was involved in in my last job. I have to state the aims of the porject and whether we achieved them or not. We did not achieve 3 out of 5 aims. This is not the kind of report that you look forward to writing, and after a bad day at work, i was acutely aware that it was a really risky time for me. So i physically stayed away from the internet connection, and worked with what i had offline. It wasn't much fun, even a little depressing, but i am glad i stuck with it, because i made a lot of progress.
I have been quite down lately, and i think it is important to acknowledge that, rather than burying it. But equally it is important to acknowledge the good stuff. I had 3-4 very close friends in school, one of which i was friends between age 4 and 18. We spent almost every day together when we were young. Another i was friends with from about 7 - 18. These are very significant friendships in formative years.
But after i left home and went to university, i lost contact with them. This was partly my fault, and partly theirs. Sometimes i made an effort to contact them, but i got the vibe that they were not that pleased to see me. One of my friends in particular bothered me. Every time i saw him in the last 5 or 6 years he would ask me if i was gay, or make some reference to me being gay. It was often said in a jokey fashion, but he was still asking the question, and a little aggressively. For obvious reasons, i wasn't too happy about this. I don't know where this came from, but coupled with the generally negative vibe i got from them, i met up with them less and less.
This Christmas i didn't bother making contact with them. Then out of the blue, in January i got an e-mail from this guy, asking how i was, looking to meet up. I met him last weekend for a few drinks, and it was as if we took up where we left off ten years ago. Its a little strange, but i am quite happy. Everyone could do with more friends, and especially when you get on well with them.
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Post by freshstart on Jan 26, 2007 4:14:13 GMT -5
Well i have an appointment with a therapist tonight. I guess i am a bit nervous about that. I suppose the main thing i don't want to happen is that i tell him i have strong gay feelings, and he immediately closes his mind and decides that the only solution to everything is to leave my g/f and come out. One major negative of this would be that i would spend my whole time defending my straightness around him, and i would not be able to open up about how insecure i feel. As ever i am worried about what the future holds. I guess this is natural as things are changing, and the future is uncertain. It is just up to me to deal with that, but its good to acknowledge the things that stress me.
Starting Day 18
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Andy
Full Member
Posts: 233
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Post by Andy on Jan 26, 2007 4:24:56 GMT -5
Hiya Freshstart
Good luck with the therapist dont worry about the gay thing as thats not really an issue! Also it sounds like you really love your G/F and she loves you (if thats true) then you know what to do! So thats what really matters. I
Take care mate, im off on holiday to Gran Canaria tomorrow so will post again in a week.
Andy
Dont worry, it will be fine. See you on day 27.
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Andy
Full Member
Posts: 233
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Post by Andy on Jan 26, 2007 4:25:52 GMT -5
I meant dont worry about the therapist.
Andy
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Post by MJ on Jan 26, 2007 5:08:58 GMT -5
Hey freshstart, I'm supporting you all the way. Let us know how this therapist works out. Remember that if you don't like it you can always find a new one. I really admire your courage. Is this the first time you've ever seen a therapist? Please let us know how you make out. Your friend, MJ
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Post by JohnG on Jan 26, 2007 8:57:36 GMT -5
Hey freshstart, I'm supporting you all the way. Let us know how this therapist works out. Remember that if you don't like it you can always find a new one. Yes, remember that. It will take the pressure off. But you can be upfront with the therapist about this fear too - in fact you should. JohnG
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Post by freshstart on Jan 29, 2007 3:53:23 GMT -5
Hey Andy, MJ and JohnG Thanks for your good wishes. Therapy was not what i expected, and it certainly stirred up a lot of feelings for me. I must say, i just felt really, really sad after it. Not about anything in particular. I just felt sad. This is not necessarily a bad thing. There is probably a lot of sadness buried inside me, so it is not bad to get it out.
Staring Day 21. Doing OK. Very busy at work, so i'll have to sign off for now and write properly this evening.
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oscar
New Member
Posts: 2
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Post by oscar on Jan 29, 2007 4:17:41 GMT -5
Hi Freshstart,
Congrats for achieving day 21! Those feelings of sadness may just be a sign that you are getting closer to the wounds deep inside you. So, they might, ironically, be a good sign. But, of course, I'm not in the position of making an accurate evaluation...
Have a clean day!
-Oscar
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Post by freshstart on Jan 29, 2007 6:26:28 GMT -5
Hi Oscar, thanks for dropping by.
I think you are right. I think it is a good sign overall, although not very pleasant.
I want to acknowledge what i have just done. [trigger]I was on a website for a clothes shop (I thought i was too busy with work to write here, but yet i found time to look at trousers!??). I went on with pretty innocent intentions, i.e., buying trousers for work, but maybe there was a bit of escapism from facing the proper task at hand. Anyway, when on there i saw another section for underwear and i looked. Its not looking that is the problem. I got a s--ual thrill out of it. Thats the problem. At the very least this is middle circle behaviour, and in ways maybe i have broken my sobriety? I don't know.
I had relations with my g/f lastnight, and that always leaves me vulnerable the next few days. [/trigger]
This is a dangerous time for me.
Willpower alone will not allow me to deal with this addiction. There is a power greater than me that can take the addiction away. I will give over my will to my higher power.
I can't, He can, Ill let Him
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Post by JohnG on Jan 29, 2007 6:35:52 GMT -5
FS,
Whether you have broken your sobriety is secondary to the fact that you got over here and admitted it. What are your bottom lines? No P/MB? If that is so, then if you didn't do those, then you were middle circle (I think) and no, you didn't "act out."
That said, if you browsed and gazed, then for me, if I were to do that I would recognize that I was feeding my addiction... I wouldn't reset my clock, but I would recognize, as you have done, that you are in a very dangerous place. For a few minutes (or however long you were browsing the underwear section) you were acting under the influence of your addiction.
You are also right about willpower. For today, spend an hour at this site and read. Post some more. Decide that for the next 24 hours you will not act out. Ask yourself honestly if you are being active in your recovery? Are you taking concrete steps to get better?
Just a few ideas.
Your friend,
JohnG
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Post by freshstart on Jan 29, 2007 13:10:11 GMT -5
JohnG Of course you are right. I was definitely feeding my addiction. Whether or not i broke my sobriety might come down to a philosophical argument on what is P? I know i wasn'tthere for the right reasons. For now i will leave my counter, but i do have cause for worry.
You ask me if i am working my recovery. I suppose going to therapy and writing here is part of that. In addition in small ways everyday i am given up my own will and asking what is the right thing to do in this situation. That way, i have certainly slowed my instinctive response times in many areas of my life. I mean this in a good way. When something would normally have provoked me, now i just stand back and ask how i can make this situation better. When i feel tempted to P/MB, i stand back and ask is this teh right thingto do. I am developing a window of time between stimulus and action. In that window, i am asking my higher power what He wants me to do.
I say all of this as an ongoing process, because as this morning highlights, i can still do things instinctively. I am on dangerous ground in a way because i feel confident today, for the first time in 3 weeks. Having relations i think is healthy overall, but it certainly leaves me vulnerable for some days afterwards.
I msut write more about my past.
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Post by JohnG on Jan 29, 2007 13:54:18 GMT -5
Ok, you asked a while ago for me to be honest.
"I suppose..."
What strikes you about that? Does it sound like the beginning of an affimative statement about a solid plan of recovery? I suspect that at times some people think that I am a bit obnoxious about the language analysis, but the truth is that we often reveal a great deal by the words we choose. If anything we addicts tend to act over confident, so when one sounds somewhat unconvinced I think we need to be worried.
Writing here is great and so is counselling. But how much time do you dedicate a day to those two activities? Don't tell me - just be honest with yourself. Add up the time right now. Now answer this: does that seem like enough to you? Are you doing everything that you can? Does this whole exercise make you uncomfortable?
On the 24th you did a search that you shared with us - now this viewing of underwear ads. It is very important to share that stuff - but you also need to more than just dump it into your journal. You need to analyze when the behaviour began, how, what could you have done when to stop it while it was more manageable. I don't get the feeling that you appreciate just how dangerous these actions are.
I have spent a lot of time in the journal archives - seeing the people who were here for a time and then vanished. I also focus a lot on what happens to journal posts right before someone slips. Whenever I read "I am on day 0" again, then I go back and see what their last week of posts looked like. Usually there are middle circle behaviours coupled with a seeming lack of focus on a well thought out solid recovery plan. The posts are more sporadic and their content somewhat "lite." The longest post you have made in a week was on the 25th and was mostly about procrastination and some old friends.
I really hate feeling like a pain in the (expletive) - I really hope that these posts of mine are welcome. I just worry about people. You have good time invested and slips, while not the end of the world, are very discouraging. And if they are to serve any purpose at all, we should all study the journals and try to see what is going on with the addict right before this happens.
So, from my meager experience on this board I am just saying that I am worried about you.
Your very sincere friend,
JohnG
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Post by freshstart on Jan 30, 2007 4:43:42 GMT -5
Hi JohnG I appreciate yoru post and your frankness. It is certainly painful to hear, and yes this whole exercise does make me feel uncomfortable. Overall, i think i spend about an hour/day here. I don't think that is bad. I also have a full time job, commute two hours/day and would like to have some time to spend with my g/f. Overall, i think that if we give one hour/day, every day, then it is reasonable.
The main fault i would find with what i am doing at the moment, is that sometimes i fall into the trap of using the board like a gossip column. Who is doing well, who is doing not so well. Who is doing so badly that they make me feel as if i am doing really well (I'm not proud of this, but i need to be honest here). I get caught up in the drama of the board when i should be focused on my recovery.
Maybe i do this to avoid writing in my diary. Going to the counsellor last Friday has stirred up a lot of emotions and a lot of memories for me. He is a psychodynamic counsellor. I have mentioned before the issues i wanted to discuss with him, but i was looking for someone who i could rant with for a few weeks, and then they could do a bit of CBT to help me with my difficulties over masculinity. He is not like that. It is all about talking. But sometimes these things happen for a reason. The most important thing is that i like him. The session made me feel massively uncomfortable, but overall i have a good feeling about it. He pointed out something very odd. Like you JohnG, he is very interested in the language that we use. He asked me my age and i got it wrong and had to correct myself. Then later i was talking about something from my childhood, and i meant to say "i don't know what age i was", but (as he pointed out), i actually said "i don't know what age i am". He thinks there is something there, but i don't know what. I know freudians are big into developmental stages, and how we can get stuck in one developmental stage, so maybe that is it.
I like that he is so non-judgemental. If i had ended up doing CBT, i would have had to fit into a particular mould, but with him i don't think i will. I think that i can let everything out, and see what my own brain makes of it. He will not take any interpretation from it.
Having said that, i am a bit bothered by something that he said. I asked how anything gets resolved through just talking. He said that things do get resolved but often in unexpected directions (i'm paraphrasing, i cannot remember his exact words). From that, i took that he feels that the solution is for me to leave my girlfriend and come out. As i have said, i realise that i am more gay than straight, and overall i accept that, but I also love my girlfriend very much. The only life i have ever imagined is marrying her and having a family. That is what i want from my life. So i don't like the idea of going to therapy with someone who has different ideas.
That was how i felt immediately afterwards. But i have since had some time to process all of this, and i don't think that he will send me in any direction. He will just let me open up and not be judged.
I don't know what the future will hold, and that bothers me, but i am getting used to the idea, and i think that is healthy.
Thanks for the kick up the ar$e JohnG!
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Post by JohnG on Jan 30, 2007 4:59:06 GMT -5
FS, saw you are online at the moment, just wanted to say, very honest post. Especially this: " Who is doing so badly that they make me feel as if i am doing really well..."
I do this to some extent as well. I did it a lot in AA before I started working hard. Saying that is an example of really really good honesty.
There are other things I want to say but I have to run right now, just hoping you see this right now. I will come back to your post later.
JohnG
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