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Post by JohnG on Jan 30, 2007 4:38:19 GMT -5
If you are in a 12 step then you will deal with a lot of that there. Not to say counseling is not important, but ALL alcoholics and addicts have to deal with a lot of issues when they get sober. We are usually full of resentment, intolerance, anger, impatience, control issues, etc. In short, we are extremely immature, and once we get sober suddenly our habitual method of coping (hiding in a fantasy world) is gone and we must heal and grow or we will slip. There are no two ways about it.
Please tell us about your meeting.
Stay well and keep coming back here. We all need each other.
JohnG
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Jan 31, 2007 1:29:45 GMT -5
Day Fourteen
I'm still following the plan....Looking forward to the next SA meeting. I'm really trying and I am very thankful of everyone here.
Today I had a pretty hard day at work, fairly hot, and I decided not to go to the gym tonight, I usually end up with migraines when I over do it on a hot day. I have some cleaning to do, I will relax for a bit, but I know what I have to do. I also want to spend some time on my car later.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Jan 31, 2007 2:15:34 GMT -5
I'm thinking that part of my recovery is all about not obsessing about women. Stopping my obsessive behavior is definitely something I want to stop.
I'm at Day Fourteen No P, No MB, No acting out
I want to add a new goal, since it is important for me. I am at day One for obsessive behavior.
Yesterday I saw a lady walking by my house, and I had to go right out the front so I could see her. previously I was obsessive at the gym. This is something I want to stop and I hope I can get some days up without obsessive behavior.
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Post by Lion on Jan 31, 2007 4:59:38 GMT -5
Hi TL6E,
Thanks for stopping by in my journal. It seems you are doing very well at the moment, so all I can say is: Keep it up!
Take care, Lion
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Post by JohnG on Jan 31, 2007 5:02:40 GMT -5
I'm thinking that part of my recovery is all about not obsessing about women. Stopping my obsessive behavior is definitely something I want to stop. I'm at Day Fourteen No P, No MB, No acting outI want to add a new goal, since it is important for me. I am at day One for obsessive behavior. Yesterday I saw a lady walking by my house, and I had to go right out the front so I could see her. previously I was obsessive at the gym. This is something I want to stop and I hope I can get some days up without obsessive behavior. Excellent! Really good call. I am dealing with exactly the same issue. JohnG
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Feb 2, 2007 5:12:51 GMT -5
Day Sixteen
Today could so easily have been day zero......Very foolish of me. I got home from work, and again decided not to go to the gym, I wasn't in the mood after work. I pretty much got home, watched a bit of sport on television, and surfed the internet for "positive things" Not porn related.
Later on though, I can't recall what sparked it, or where it started exactly. All I know is that I ended up at a site with heaps of video links and I saw one which looked inviting. I left it for a while. Then I noticed the page had a video search to multiple video posting sites.
I did a search and one thing lead to another. I was searching stupid searches, and Just browsing videos. I came across a video and selected it. I watched it, but backed out during the video. I also checked out an establishment on the internet in which I have acted out before. I looked over the website. I think hoping in my SA that I would find something new and exciting. The good thing is though, I could feel the good in me trying to pull myself away from all of the mess. I could start to rationalize my thinking. I said to myself If I end up at one of my most frequented p sites, that is slip up. I backed out immediately and walked out of the room and fisted the door.
I was stupid to even think about what I was doing, I can see its because I slacked off, and didn't follow any plan. Tomorrow after work, Its straight to the gym, no matter how damn sore I am, The plan will be followed, and It has to be stronger than ever.
I'm sure people would debate whether this should be a slip. I say no. I'm happy with the fact that while my mind wondered, I did not MB, and I did not enter into the adult scene. I know I did view part of a video, But I am grateful to have had to strength to back out and go no further. Looking at the website I went to has disappointed me, however I am grateful that I took matters no further, and I am back on track, thinking of ways to prevent this from going any further, even more so even happening in the first place. I never once touched myself. I just momentarily lost control.
Tonight, I have to clean the kitchen cook tea, and lunch for tomorrow, put the clothes away that I didn't do last night. As I write this some young kids just got busted hooning around the streets. I laugh.......I must tidy up my bedroom.
Tomorrow after work I need to go to the gym, buy some important things, clean my car up, and then I will go out for a drive.
I must not allow things to get back into the way they were. The frustrating thing is, I am so focussed on staying away from p, that the other underlying issues are really starting to show. I still find it hard to get the courage to break my fears and socialize.
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Post by Stillhopeful on Feb 2, 2007 5:28:36 GMT -5
Maybe it's possible to organise just one social event this weekend, Tom. Perhaps you could call a friend in the morning and suggest meeting up for coffee in the afternoon. If they say no, you still get credit for asking. You've still made the effort, and that is progress.
Still
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Post by dj2005 on Feb 2, 2007 5:32:57 GMT -5
hey tom- congrats on a big success there! that took some great strength to pull back from something like that. the nice thing about staying clear of your triggers is that you don't need massive strength to pull out of those nosedives. the farther into your recovery you get, the better you'll be able to see the early warning signs and catch them before they grow. also, it's great to hear that you have a plan that you have faith in, with setting your schedule and all. i am truly inspired by your success here. as far as whether or not what you did counts as a slip, the only opinion that matters there is your own. with that said, i think giving yourself a fair amount of grace is a good thing. keep up the great work!
dj
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Post by JohnG on Feb 2, 2007 5:33:10 GMT -5
TomLincoln,
Ultimately that question is unimportant. You have been honest about what happened. You hopefully will share about it in your SA meeting and try to analyze what happened. I know I am stating the obvious that these aimless searches and browsing are not only dangerous, but when we do them we are under the control of the addict. WE know better.
The day count thing is only to help animate us and encourage us. I use it that way. But there have been days when I let my eyes linger on an ad or let them take a second glance at a magazine cover in the checkout line. In those instances I was doing the same thing you were doing - feeding the addict - letting it take over. There is no easy line to draw like there is with booze.
What ultimately matters is whether we are getting better, being honest, doing work, etc. You had a close call. Just use it to learn and it becomes an asset in your recovery. EDIT; That said, you should take it very very seriously. You were on the part of the slippery slope where it is easier to keep sliding than to make it back the way you did.
As I read you posts in recent days I like what I see. Your honesty about stepping out on the porch was what a good recovery requires - and reminds me that I have to say that after a movie last night I saw a pretty woman and looked a second time - I rationalized it like this: she wasn't sexy, just "pretty" and I just wanted to look at her face and therefore it was ok. That was the addict talking.
Keep working at it.
Your friend,
JohnG
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Feb 2, 2007 14:33:40 GMT -5
Thankyou so very much DJ, Still and John
Its great that you guys posted so quickly after my message. This isn't easy. But I know I have to keep to the plan.
I think the biggest problem, is that I don't consider the things I like to be wrong. I consider them to be wrong when I waste my time getting aroused over the videos, or acting out with a mistress. If I were to be in a relationship, I would love to do those things with them. I don't think its wrong.
This is where it gets hard, because I am forcing myself from something I like because I can't find a relationship, but knowing if I do find one it can be better than anything. It is extremely frustrating.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Feb 3, 2007 20:57:24 GMT -5
Hey guys my efforts of the last 2 and a half weeks have come to an end, I saw it coming, and I didn't do what I should have.
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Post by MJ on Feb 3, 2007 22:28:21 GMT -5
Hey man, Just wanted to reach out to you. I'm supporting you all the way. Don't say that you shouldn't have done what you should have. You did really well and you must remember that. We all know how tricky this whole addiction is. Just promise that you won't abandon the board; I know the thought might cross your mind, as it crossed mine after my slip two weeks ago. Remember that you are NOT alone. That's the most important thing. Your friend, MJ
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Post by dj2005 on Feb 3, 2007 22:59:54 GMT -5
hey tom- you are making excellent progress. despite the slip, you are moving ahead in the bigger picture of things. learn from it and move on. the bad thing about day counts is they don't recognize all the changes that you have made over the past several weeks. you are growing and recovering and finding your way. a few weeks back you were slipping every 2 or 3 days. 700% improvement from your previous efforts is nothing to sneeze at. i am looking forward to seeing how you use this opportunity to grow even more. today's slip is in the past now. what you did there is not nearly as important as what you are going to do next. so- what's next?
onward and upward! dj
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Feb 5, 2007 6:08:22 GMT -5
Firstly I would like to apologize to everybody who has lent a helping hand to my sobriety.
It started last Friday. I found a link that had a multi video search page for Five or more websites. Youtube the devil of me being one of them. I think I tried some stupid search. I had recently been looking up information on secret military weapons, and came across this new type of stun gun. Then I saw they mentioned about a video in which a female was attacked and intantaneously the guy was on the ground ko. This got me so excited that I ran about 100 searches no joke, trying to reword my searches over and over again to get what I was after. I never found it, but I then started going on to other videos on Youtube, I also checked out various establishments offering mistresses. I was considering calling one of them.This pretty much is a slip here ant there, even if I didn't admit it at the time. After all this is the behavior I am trying to stop. I downloaded a few videos, got excited, but didn't MB. I considered this ok at the time.
I got angry and went to bed. I think it was late too so I only had six hours sleep. IT was also very hot so it was bad sleep. I had to work 12 and a half hours the next day in 40 degree heat which is about 105 or more in Fahrenheit.
All day all I couldn't stop thinking about the mistress I had seen some 17 days ago. which was the start of my return to sobriety. I kept thinking in my mind that I wanted to repeat the session but ask to video the session. The thought of being able to watch it later got me all worked up. I am lucky in a way that I slipped with MB and P. Because If I had have gone further I would have contacted the mistress and she may have said yes, and I would have been finished there and then, wasted $300+ dollars like I did last time. Its crazy that I'm willing to spend that much money on a thrill, that is so not everlasting.
I think the minute I got home, I put the air conditioner on, and started up the computer, and started downloading the videos again. at this stage I hadn't mb yet, but was starting to lose it. I had not been posting on the board, not reading my journals, Not accomplishing anything, and just absolutely losing it.
I got onto Youtube, then various other sites, had probably 10 windows open. Just searching for anything I could find. I later found a video I had seen the first version of and now they had Five more versions of it. AT this stage I started MB, and before I knew it, it was all over.
Sunday Morning
I got up, yes you guessed it. started at it again, and regretfully after reading the posts of you guys, that disgusts me that I would treat you guys with contempt. Thats the addict in me I want DEAD!
I then decided to get a video chat program up and running, that I had been on before. I got online, then of course realised to view good video content I needed to become a member. since I didn't have a credit card, I had to use money from an online account. I spent I think $80 on this for a years service. I got online and immediately got into the adult section and started flirting with the women, who certainly weren't shy about showing themselves to the world. I got online and asked some women to show me their biceps, this got me all excited. Most thought I was crazy. I also wrote various messages to people on youtube requesting videos. later Sunday I had MB twice I think.
Deep regret started to set in, I had gotten back into a massive obsessive mood. I wrote to the company trying to get my money back, because I was so angry that I had spent money on something so frivolous.
I don't think I had much strength in me however, Its funny that when I slip...... I slip and slip and slip. Its as if I didn't want to think about giving up and I just wanted to feel good. I even said to myself, as the addict, that I wont' worry about trying anymore, I will give in cave in and just not even bother anymore.
I slipped again today straight after work, and I think I started to realize what I had been doing, and how silly it was, but Now I am over it. Over It Over IT!!!!!
I don't feel any desires at the moment, and its easy not to think about my obsessions. But I know down the track I will. I need to be prepared for that.
Where Did I Fall
1. Failing to go over my goals on a daily basis. 2. Failing to post on the Boards 3. Allowing too much idle time, browsing on the internet even though It was for clean purposes. 4. Not contacting friends and socializing, I only did this a few times in recovery.
These are the main ones, Now I'm sure there are many more however, this is a start. I know that I need to keep doing these things. I noticed when I nearly slipped on day Eleven I wassn't doing these things, then I was and then I wasn't so I failed.
I'm ready to try again, and beat my last attempt, I still have fight in me, and I understand fully StillHopeful that if I was told that my addiction was going to kill me in the next six months unless I did something about it, Well I probably would stop.
The thing is It could very well get to this. [trigger]I often fantasize about being beaten by a woman, and fantasize about women killing men in movies. I have had women choke me, to the point where I nearly pass out, Now people have died from this, but I still fantasize about it. And I'm somewhat afraid, that I will escalate this behavior. [/trigger]
I fully understand that the longer I stay in P the less social I get. The frustrating thing is that when I'm sober, I feel so bad, that I can't get out there and socialize.
I make this promise here and now. Tomorrow, I am going to leave everything behind, all my negative feelings, and be completely placid with every individual I come across. I am going to start conversations with as many people as I can. That is my ultimate goal. I will not let anything, and I mean anything get to me.
My second goal is to get out of the boring old routine. "Hello, How are you?" ......"I'm good thanks, and yourself." I hate that and I can see myself being so boring and predictable. I'm going to mix it up, and try new things. I have to do this, It's not just about the SA.
The next time I'm at a store buying something, no excuses I will start a conversation, I will break the "Groundhog Syndrome" Break free, into a new world. It's now or never, lets be different and forget about the past, forget about the future, lets work on now, because If I don't, I have no future.
My biggest fear is rejection. There it is.....I've said it! I want to prove to myself that I fear not rejection. I have broken fears before, I know by breaking fears you become fearless of them, So Its time to break these fears. I won't die on my knees, But I will die standing and fighting.
Thankyou!
TL6E
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Post by Stillhopeful on Feb 5, 2007 7:09:33 GMT -5
Tom,
Was your recovery plan ever written out as a list that you printed out in multiple copies, and posted around your house? If so, did you make a point of following it each day? If not, why not? You must have that plan written out, point by point. Clearly you need to have a rule of "NO web surfing". If you are so interested in military machines, go to a book shop or real library. If you are not interested in going to either of those places, then you are not that interested in military machines and it is not important if you don't get to find out about them online. Clearly web surfing is too risky for you. As for fantasising about some woman of recent weeks, you will have to find ways to control your thoughts. for this reason, I suggest adding daily meditation for 15 minutes, to your recovery plan. Meditation trains the mind to be able to block out undesired thought, over a period of time.
Please: write out your recovery plan and post it here for reference. Print it out and post copies around your house. The plan can include efforts to socialise and compiling a list of people with whom you can make social plans.
Keep working on it and I'll stay posted.
cheering you on,
Still
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