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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Dec 20, 2007 0:44:15 GMT -5
I didn't end up getting online yesterday, and I should have, I did catch up with a few friends online, and got busy with facebook. I did the right things, I haven't had a good sleep in the last two days, I dont' know why but just one of those thigns. I have kept my thoughts clean, today I had a thought and was going to start fantasizing and then I killed it and that was great. Today I did get into too much conversation about women, and I mean I kept it clean, but was too much talk on the subject. On the way home today I saw a woman in a short skirt, she was walking towards the stores, and I was driving around the block, I was definitely thinking of going into the car park, just to see her I reallly wanted to do it, but I didn't and kept driving so that was a good thing. I'm posting on here first thing, I'm pretty busy and have a lot to do tonight, and I have some big things I have to do tonight, things I've been trying to do for the last two months. Anyway I'm staying strong and keeping true.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Dec 22, 2007 6:20:08 GMT -5
Well, I nearly slipped, I wasn't able to go to the meeting as I had no car for today, and had no way of getting down to the meeting, Ive been busy with family today so thats been good, I havne't posted in the last couple of days, however things have been good. I still am not being strong enough, and I wish I had a car as I would have gone out last night. I got home today and I was contacting a few people, bought a new cd I was listening to that. I started having a look at a few things online, then I was saving some photos on my profile, then I tried to find them, I went to a folder looking for them, and found the folder titled "New folder" I opened it to see if it was empty so I could delete it. Inside I saw maybe 50 files, with just numbers, and I deep inside, knew exactly what they were, I had saved youtube videos, and stored them on the computer and then forgot they were even there. I opened them up to see what they were, I nearly got sucked in, I could feel the thoughts racing through, and I was telling myself to get the hell away from the stuff. I'm usually in this state, and I can't beat my addict, as it takes control, and overrides any rational thinking. However I got myself together and killied the thoughts, and deleted the files for good. Its so easy to fall, but I am so glad that I saw the problem, and overrode the addict in me. I'm proud of that. I must stay strong, as if I want to mess this all up.
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gregg70
Full Member
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Dec 22, 2007 14:48:31 GMT -5
Thats awesome. Next time you will have this example to help your mind fight. Its a building process. Stay strong.
Gregg70
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Dec 23, 2007 19:24:34 GMT -5
I've slipped and why? Everything I wrote about doing this and doing that wasn't done. I was substituting recovery for just getting by and doing whatever it is I do. Ok I was keeping busy, I was going out, I was not actively seeking my addictions. But what I do realise is that I can't let go of the recovery, I must keep it going, even if I'm feeling good, and keeping busy. Because, on Sunday, I went out to take photos, and I was doing well, but then I found myself taking some photos of women for the wrong reasons. I stopped, then started again, then stopped again, then went to the beach. there weren't many people there, so I went home, I said to myself it there were heaps of people there, I would have stayed, but then I said to myself I'm going to go home and get on the computer and act out. I knew it was going to happen, and I didnt give myself the strength to stop what I was doing, a few times I said I would but I didn't. The interesting thing is that, I did want to buy porn, and heaps, but I couldn't I didn't have a credit card, as I destroyed it, thankfully.
I remember the things I said in other peoples journals, and in my own, and I simply did not continue the good recovery, I simply did not listen to anything that was there, and that is why I failed. But I must move on, and I must do now what I didn't do last time.. I must keep going with the recovery and not forget about it.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Dec 23, 2007 19:25:36 GMT -5
btw Thanks gregg70 Its a pity I didn't take notice of that earlier, but thanks for stopping by. I should have seen that as a warning sign.
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Post by sandpaper on Dec 28, 2007 16:04:45 GMT -5
So true, TLSE. I wish you the best in moving forward with your recovery. I also wanted to pop in and thank you for your words of encouragement in my journal. Take care.
SP
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