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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Dec 5, 2006 4:27:38 GMT -5
Ok well here I am, and off to the most positive start to well the last 2 months. I came here to reinvent myself, and lets see how far I can take this.......
Please ride with me, the train is empty.
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Post by MJ on Dec 5, 2006 6:52:19 GMT -5
Hey there, Glad to see you started a journal. I look forward to following your recovery. ---MJ
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Dec 8, 2006 1:27:08 GMT -5
Today was a stinking hot day out in the sun all day long, home, just relaxing, easy time to slip. I knew this when I walked in the door, but the first thing I could think of was to get online and come on the board. I caught up on the days events on the news, then come online to check the posts. I got caught up in my emails, read info on one, which was detailing a video coming out, describing how absolutely fantastic it was and how it was the "Best ever" I thought I could go for it, but all I really wanted to get on here and read about other peoples problems, and post my own.
The funny thing is as soon as I read a post about how someone is strugling I get strength from that. I feeel better and can go on with things without feeling crappy. I know I can slip at any time, so I am to be vigilant. I want to be a better person for it.
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Post by jake123 on Dec 8, 2006 1:45:44 GMT -5
Hey I'll ride the train with ya, haa. Journals are a good idea. Here's hoping we can do as well tomorrow as today--turning away from the familiar and the temptations. I like your idea of re-inventing yourself, it has a positive sound. Welcome and let's do this, one day at a time. --jake
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Post by Serious on Dec 8, 2006 16:33:38 GMT -5
It's a hot day huh? Well here in Wisconsin it was 8 degrees. It's just as easy to slip in the cold I might add. Dead time is the hardest to fill. It's souds like you avoid the wrong choices pretty well. Just keep letting us know how you are doing.
-Serious
P.S. Once again, sweet name! The Island is an awesome movie.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Dec 9, 2006 7:28:06 GMT -5
Hey thanks for the comments guys, I appreciate them.
Tonight I am home alone, and I am fighting the urges, I've got little of a social life, and I blame my inability to kill the porn for that. I'm starting to get to the frustrated point, I am fighting the urges, I keep getting them, its like a vision of how "Good it could be" I know the consequences however.
Tonight was the perfect time to slip, home alone, urges, feeling crappy, not happy with where I am, a feeling of being incomplete, a feeling of emptiness, loneliness, not being able to get anywhere in life. I have all the material things I wanted, but what does that all mean?
Despite not being completely happy with my direction, I am greatful for what I have, and am greatful for the strength to do something about my problems. and most of all making the decision to keep going and not to bow into the pressure.
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recoverer
Full Member
No P since 27/06/07 and it is going to stay that way!
Posts: 155
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Post by recoverer on Dec 9, 2006 8:31:45 GMT -5
Hey TomLincolnSixEcho,
I don't really have a social life, I know how hard it is to be home alone. You just have the urge to turn on the computer and go on a p site. The only way I have countered this, is I got on the computer and use a messenger and talk some of my friends I met. Or I go and watch TV, read a book or listen to the radio, that way it takes looking at p off my mind.
Good luck at combating this horrible addiction
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Dec 11, 2006 5:48:51 GMT -5
I went to bed last night and couldnt sleep, so I drifted away and I had a thought to stop, I had the chance but I said F..K it. I feel bad, but then in the morning i said well its just mb to my fantasies, I can start again, but went and had a look at p. Its funny how it always ends up like this.
At work I started to think about some of my fantasies and I got deep into the m and started to think about how to act on them. However the one good thing was that I kicked myself out of it and got back on track.
One big thing I am starting is setting some goals, some small ones some big ones, short term and long term and I dont' want anything to get in my way.
I started to think about how much this has F..kd up my life.........how horrible it is and how badly I want it to end, but 3 days down the track I end up in the same damn mitigated state.
I have got to put in an honest effort and stop failing to the desires that are pulling me apart.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Dec 17, 2006 6:18:19 GMT -5
sorry guys....
I have failed. I kept getting to the point where I get the desires and then, I just back down on all the efforts made, and Im back to the start. I keep geting close to the point where, I am about to waste money. but MB is my safety from that. However these thoughts are killing me, I can't seem to get away from them.
I'm here anyway, and I did one good thing, I came online and I got an urge, to go and look at some stuff, I thought about it then said no. not bad, And thats when I thought I should come back online here and talk about it.
Im at day two and trying really hard to make a difference, I can continuallly see a loop here, an endless loop that goes on and on. I am always feeling this pain
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Post by Valjean on Dec 17, 2006 6:58:37 GMT -5
Hi Tom, I suppose I want to continue from my message to you in the hundred days goal thread.
One think stuck out to me in your message here: "Im back to the start", well that's not true. All you've lost is a number saying how many days you've had clean. Those days haven't been lost. You've still built up a wealth of experience that you can use in the future. You've still got those clean days, even if they were followed by an unclean day.
I'm a big fan of the hundred days goal and keeping count of your days. I think it's great to see your name rise up the list, it's good accountability, there's extra support from the guys there... all these things. I wouldn't update the list every day if I didn't hehe, but the list isn't the be all and end all of recovery from this addiction. You need to keep good track of your moral growth too. And that's a lot more important than the day count.
I don't know about you, but when I was in the deepest depths of the addiction I never even dreamed that I would have almost 6 months clean under my belt at one point, never dreamed that I would be at a place like this talking about my deepest feelings, with people that understand. When you think of the rest of your life and the opportunities to be the best man you can be, one unclean day out of so many clean ones both in the past and future seems so insignificant.
Hang in there, this fight is so worth it. We addicts are worth it, as Guy always says.
Valjean
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Post by MJ on Dec 17, 2006 13:39:49 GMT -5
Hey there,
I agree with Valjean. I had a nasty slip three months ago after having been clean for three months, but I soon realized that even though I slipped, my mindset about this addiction was radically different from what it had been before. Just get right back up and keep fighting. We're here fighting with you!
MJ
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Post by Serious on Dec 18, 2006 2:10:36 GMT -5
Hey tom,
When I first came to this board about 2 months ago I had a good run for about 9 days. After which I fell many time in a row just trying to get back up to 9. I found that we learn from our mistakes. Take a little bit of what you learned about why you fell and then avoid those situations or temptations. I can tell you right now that the more you strive and the more you want to quit the farther you will get. Like valjean said, you've lost nothing except a number as long as you are willing to move forward.
-Serious
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Dec 22, 2006 4:41:04 GMT -5
Ive been way out of control over the last week, I've been having some issues not directly with porn, but finding myself addicted to porn constantly. today I spent around about 5 hours wasting away on youtube. I didn't seem to care at the time, I just wanted to be there. I don't have the power well I should say haven't had the power to come online to the boards and talk about my problems, instead just opting to kill all the efforts with a slip. I constantly hate being in the after slip mode, I hate it with a passion, but I get all worked up, for the next day to not caring.
I definately need to pull myself together, If I do not I may get my self into a bit of trouble. I am already losing touch with my social life, I have a hard time forming relationships, because p is so easily accessible and seems for the short term to offer a fix. that is until you feel like absolute crap.
Anyway I am here, So I I can repair what I do acknowledge. I want to make the commitment to try my hardest to come online rather than fall behind again.
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recoverer
Full Member
No P since 27/06/07 and it is going to stay that way!
Posts: 155
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Post by recoverer on Dec 22, 2006 5:55:10 GMT -5
Same here, I bet you find it hard to talk to girls as well, thats what p does to you. I lost quite a few friends in the time I was really into p. I lost touch with members of my family. I would not talk to my mum sometimes because I felt ashamed. It is horrible when you realize it. But time can heal wounds, once you stop looking at p, believe me you will find it easier to form relationships and talk to people. Your confidence will really be boosted and you will be more open to things.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Dec 22, 2006 17:19:43 GMT -5
Thanks recoverer. those comments keep me going, well when I have the power to come here that is.
It is the start of the festive season and I am home atm, I have a lot of christmas shopping to do. I have a number of things to do, but I have learned that even keeping busy it takes not even a minute to screw up.
I went out the other night and had a few drinks more than a few drinks, by the end of it I was feeling quite frustrated at a number of things and people. I got to the stage where I was so frustrated that some people are absolute A-Holes they treat people badly, have a foul mouth, have no respect for most people and yet they find relationships, they have friends, I just dont get it, and thats what really angered me. This because I always try to respect other people but I seem to be going nowhere. I do know that P and my SA is contributing to this, but its the frustration that is also killing me.
I woke up this morning like most guys do, this is indeed a difficult time. I was going to turn the tv on but decided I wouldn't and had breakfast with my thoughts.
I have had a couple of thoughts to get onto youtube and download some stuff, Its just a passing thought but I make it a mitigating thought.
I know I don't want to be where I was last night, feeling low. I know there is more out there, and I want to see it.
I m going to give this an honest effort, and start being serious about this.
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