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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Jan 12, 2007 5:58:39 GMT -5
Well.......Here I am again........
Day One!
I can say everything about how I am going to recover this recover that, and the next day its as if I have amnesia, and forgotten everything I have said I would do. I just don't get it.
Yesterday yes how did you know, Youtube. 3 hours later 2am. what a waste. I got up early in the morning after saying to myself that I would try. Nah didn't work, got back online and wasted another hour. so I pretty much lost 3 hours, that I could have spent working on my car, or on the house.
I went out today to try and do some constructive things, I saw this lady in a car next to me and I so badly wanted to look at her, I was going to then decided I needed self control, I needed to walk away as such. I did, but she ended up at the next traffic lights and I was staring at her. I mean it seems innocent enough but what happens is it keeps me over stimulated, then when I end up going home, I'm back online and wasting time. I was still looking at some women in the street. and when I got home, I started to thing about the videos and images I looked at last night, and wanted to get back online and loook at them. I try to ignore the thoughts, they are fuzzy, but I can't get rid of them. I think I am kind of strange, I dont exactly look at porn, I used to be when I was younger. But I have got such a warped sense of excitement. Last night I was downloading nothing but [trigger]amazonian women dominating men, I sort of laugh about it how stupid it is. But I have gotten so fixated on domination, that it has consumed me completely. I got to the stage where I was trying to find a particular type of video, I was on a dozen or more search engines trying to find something. It's pathetic[/trigger]
I definitely need to get over this, I was pretty close to giving it in today again, but I started doing things, then I came online here and I have been here for about an hour reading over some posts, listening to some motivational music. I've joined up to a two week plan. I am trying to take it one day at a time, If I finish each day then I win.
Hey I can just keep trying, can't give in cos then I lose. I must be strong, Not just words, action.
please give me the strength, I want to take it and never let it go.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Jan 18, 2007 0:42:08 GMT -5
Please take caution with triggering sections, they are rather detailed.
So yesterday fell apart. I can't honestly say I tried to avoid it, but the urges were obviously too strong to warrant any action to prevent it. The story goes as follows, I Had cancelled all my email and youtube subscriptions....well with the youtube I just changed the password to something I couldn't remember. Wow this was great the first time i had done it. Then the next day I was killing myself for doing it, and tried so hard to get the accounts back. I had written to a heap of women posting on youtube, asking for custom videos, not porn of course, but stupid things, like[trigger] flexing their muscles.[/trigger].
I have gotten way out of control. And as I do when I get into youtube, I check out all the fetish sites, and then the mistress lists. I found a new facility in my area, and this was a first, Usually I would have travelled half way across the country to get to one. Anyway straight away I said I am doing this I don't care. I rang and made an appointment. That whole night All i could think about was how "Awesome" It was going to be.
Next day got up, mb of course, as with before I went to sleep. Did a few things in the day, some things to my car. While I was waiting for my car to get fixed I went to the mall, and would be counting the number of women I could find that would be strong enough to be able to hurt me. I have developed crazy thoughts, I know. Its pretty much all I was doing to fill in the time. So much for the trying not to look at women, All I was doing was that....just pacing down the mall up and down. When I got there, I can't deny It made me feel good at the time, but guess what. Afterwards I felt that thing called shame.
I did things I have never done before, and this is the whole escalation thing. These are what most people would consider very bizarre. I would always be creating these fantasies inside my head, they may not be sex related, but they may be anything, and it s not healthy. I have been partaking[trigger] in somewhat dangerous practices of asphyxiation, but when I was there I didn't care. I have had this huge fascination with being choked, particularly in a headlock. These would be all the sorts of videos I would try and find, they would drive me crazy.[/trigger]
I also had the mistress [trigger]spit in my mouth repeatedly [/trigger]which disturbs me a little because its not really healthy behavior
I question myself as to why on earth I am doing this kind of stuff, even more so extremely interested in it.
I drove home and took a long drive, as guilt and shame set in. I drove really fast through the hills, I was sort of angry but disappointed. I just was not happy with what I had done. However when I did get home, it was still on my mind and parts of the session had amazed me so much, I couldn't even begin to believe how true it was. So I MB of course. Looked on the internet a bit. However instead of staying up later than my housemate to watch some stuff, I just went to bed. I then MB in the morning, thinking about it.
I think thats when I came back on the board, I didn't want to becaue I had let everybody here down, and I felt so much shame. I wrote on here, listened to some music to lift me up, had breakfast, made some important calls that I had been avoiding.
I then got outside, and started working on my car, it needs a lot of work still, I spent 3 hours cleaning cleaning cleaning. I started to realise how much I have screwed things up this time. Not having enough money to pay the bills, meaning possibility of losing my car, my house, and more importantly my life. It means now I have to loan more money from my parents, or avoid paying some bills. This is a alltime low, and it really upset me more than I ever have been. I have never had a problem with money. I think this time, its for real, no stuffing around.
When I was cleaning my car, Id get frustrated and just punch the wall or something. I started to think about all the things I could have bought for the THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY damn dollars. I could have bought a new tool set, some more gear for the car, some nice shelving, something for the garden. It really started to get to me how foolish I was. I convinced myself before I went to see the mistress that I would have enough money, I kept doing the figures Until I could make them work. Funny thing is though, when I did the calculations today they didn't work.
I while working on the car had an urge, I was listening to Kanye West and parts of the lyrics got me thinking of [trigger]being in the headlock with the mistress, and not being able to escape for the life of me, fantasizing that she could indeed have killed me if she wanted to.[/trigger] I tried to avoid the thoughts, started thinking about other stuff, but it started to come back. I quickly raced online and wrote my new novel...HA. I needed it cos I could have slipped so easily would have jumped on youtube and I woulda been a gonner.
I am going to do this everytime I have an urge, or if not possible walk. I have to make this work, because I can't let this go on, I am at rock bottom, well was yesterday. I can go back up at anytime.
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Post by dj2005 on Jan 18, 2007 3:02:11 GMT -5
hey tl6e- i really appreciate your honesty and strength to come back and deal with it all. and im glad to hear you hit rock bottom. that means you can push off and come back up to the surface where the sun is shining. i am really concerned for you. i am worried about the depths you are going to in order to experience a moment's rush. You know Stillhopeful here? she's brilliant. she taught me that the thrill of excitement is no match for inner peace. thrills are elusive- the more you chase them, the farther away they run. but peace is always available. all you have to do is relax into it and it feels amazing.
thank you so much for reaching out to me today- i really appreciate it. looking forward to reading your future posts.
peace dj
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Post by freshstart on Jan 18, 2007 4:16:45 GMT -5
Hey Tomlincolnsixecho Sorry to see that you are having such a tough time. Your fantasies about being dominated are nothing to feel ashamed of. The range of people's s--ual preferences are as wide as the earth itself. The problem is that your S--ual preferences are consuming you. Would it help if you accepted that you are turned on by domination, and that there is nothing inherently wrong in that?
Whatever happens, keep coming back here. If you stick with this board, eventually things will click into place.
Best wishes
FS
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Jan 18, 2007 18:44:12 GMT -5
Hey guys thanks for the support.......I need all the help I can get.
DJ - Yes I am too, very worried......I couldn't have imagined 5 years ago that I would be doing the stuff I'm doing. Your comments have helped greatly. I had a dozen dreams last night, all involving my fantasies. IT was a killer, couldn't get them out of my head. Rock bottom yes, It sometimes has to come to that. However I do know that as I start to feel better, I can forget about the rock bottom and end up there even further. I need to stay focused, and remember how painful that rock bottom is. I am just so angry, because I could have bought so much for that money so much.
Freshstart - Its not really being ashamed of them, What my problem is, is that I am taking my fantasies online, and spending hours and hours on the internet MB, thats not real or lasting. Secondly I am seeking out mistresses to satisfy me more than the internet ever can. However that costs, more than money. Now if I were in a different situation say in a relationship with someone I cared about deeply, and was in a good relationship. Then I would not hesitate to act on my fantasies. However I don't want to live in a fantasy world, that is meaningless, and has no substance.
Day One - About 14 hours in.
Well I kept busy and this went really fast. I spent more time detailing my car, I finished off things I've been to lazy to do, I took off all the window tinting, cleaned the engine bay properly, cleaned the wheels, polished the car within an inch of its life.
I got inside and my housemate was watching the discovery channel.....Pretty innocent, then he changed the channel, and the most bizarre show was on a documentary channel. It was all on men and their fantasies for Amazonian woman, mostly on the 50ft women fantasies and being crushed. He just started laughing, and I couldn't stop laughing, I know I'm going through a bit, but it was kind of funny. It wasn't bad for me because That sort of thing doesn't do anything for me. I'm more into a different branch of domination. But it was funny, and presented itself at the right or wrong time.
I did well though to keep the thoughts at bay, but I was about to go to bed and a movie came on, now originally I watched it because Jessica Biel was in it, but I started to watch it for the story, however, my main intention was to watch it because of her. Now the reason she stops me in my tracks, is that she has a very toned body, and I got sucked in. It was probably my one mistake for the day, but it went nowhere.
Last night I had a lot of dreams, they were strongly detailed, and at one time I thought I would wake up wet. Most of them involved me getting choked, mostly in headlocks. But I've never had so many in my life.
Any way it is day Two and three hours now. I intend on keeping it going this time.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Jan 19, 2007 1:38:30 GMT -5
Day Two: 10 hours in
Today, I went out for a drive, give my car a run. Got some stuff for my car, i could have gotten more if it wasn't for my stupid behavior. I still found myself staring at women, well I shouldn't say staring, I would take a look maybe a few but I wasn't obsessive, and just ogling for ever, like I have had a tendency to do.
I'm finding it difficult in public not to look and look at women. However I am happy that I was looking a few times then telling myself to back off.
Its kinda hard, I mean am I allowed to be attracted to a female. The problem is when I start looking at it like this I start being obsessive, and thats when I start to slip. Part of me says its ok to admire somebody based on looks, but I can't control myself. I mean its like when you go out to buy a car.......Some cars mean nothing to you and others are like wow......I want that one. I find it hard to work out what is right and what is wrong. It perplexes me to the point that my brain freezes over.
Anyway I got home and worked on my car for a couple of hours. as soon as I put the equipment down, my mind started flashing stuff I didn't want to see, like my fantasies. again, first thing I did was come onto the board.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Jan 19, 2007 21:16:22 GMT -5
Day Three
Today I got up, at about nine. I got straight on the phone and called a counselor, to help me with my SA. Thanks Stillhopeful. I've set up a time to see the counselor, I have set up a plan, some goals etc. A to do list for today.
I went to the gym in the morning. I am kind of disappointed, because I didn't give myself the strength to look away from a few women in the gym. I was looking for too long and too many times. At one time I was checking out what one of the women was lifting. I was trying to look through various machines just to see her lifting. It wasn't helpful to my recovery. I walked away before I tried to work out how much weight she had on there. Its still very challenging. I do know now though that next time I go to the gym there are no excuses. I know what I am not to do. Today I am trying to get my garage cleaned, and every thing tidied up so I can keep all my tools and equipment neat and tidy.
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Post by Stillhopeful on Jan 19, 2007 23:40:16 GMT -5
Tom,
It's great that you contacted a counsellor and set up an appointment. That is a wonderful first step, and probably the most important one you can take right now. Well done also on setting that "to do" list. Let us know how that went when you next stop by this journal.
Regarding looking at women in public, you should practise the "bouncing your eyes" technique, which various SAs here have recommended as very helpful. Whenever you see a woman whom you regard as attractive, bounce your eyes to something else - eg a shop window, birds on the pavement, a tree, traffic lights, the dry environment we are experiencing here in Australia, etc. While some men may be able to appreciate female beauty and not lust after the women, you are not one of them. Therefore, you need to look away. Also, to compare a woman to a car shows how you are objectifying women. Would you like other people to consider you as if you were a car? Or are you worth a lot more than a car as you are a human being?
We are talking now. Clearly you are not objectifying me. You are able to see that behind a woman's appearance - whatever that is - is a real, caring human being. You should seek to get to know the nature of the human being in everyone you meet, and in everyone you consider. What are the person's interests? What does he or she like to read, eat, do? Where has he/she been of interest? Is that person someone you could help? There is so much of substance in any person. Everyone has great value inside their heart and mind and it is important for you to seek it and find it.
About going to gym, how about exercising in a spot or way where you cannot see women exercising? If you are not able to do this, I suggest getting your own basic gym equipment (how much can a set of weights and a mat or whatever it is, cost?) and exercising at home. You don't need all those contraptions at the gym in order to obtain basic fitness.
Still
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Post by dj2005 on Jan 20, 2007 1:43:34 GMT -5
hi tl6e- great work! it's very cool to see how dedicated you are to your recovery. i know it can be frustrating at times, especially in the first few days of gaining sobriety. i read somewhere that a rocket leaving earth spends 80 percentof its fuel in the first 2 miles! and then for the next 200,000 miles it's so much easier. that's what sobriety and recovery feels like- those first few days take lots of energy, but that's only because you are building up the momentum to escape the gravitational pull of bad habits. also- i believe recovery is much easier when we focus on where we are going, rather than where we have been. i have a very difficult time when i am telling myself "don't check her out," or "don't give in to temptation this time." what is it that you are hoping to gain on this journey of recovery? peace of mind? self respect? focus on the things that are important to you. it may sound like a trivial difference, but it's not. when you focus on "not lusting" your brain is thinking about lust, and that only keeps the idea of lust in your head. keep up the good work! you've got lots of support here peace, dj
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Post by Serious on Jan 20, 2007 1:45:28 GMT -5
Hey tom,
I wanted to thank you for your comment. I read your last couple entries and you seem to be struggling, but at least you know the areas in which you are struggling. Awareness is a big help. From what it sounds like, you seem to be trying to control all your thoughts on your own. I don't want to sound preachy, but you should know that God can give you the power and the want to look away and all you have to do is ask. If that's not you cup of tea, well I will still pray for you on my time.
Best of luck, -Serious
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Jan 20, 2007 6:36:27 GMT -5
Thanks serious for dropping in.
I've often thought about religion when I was younger, but I have come to the conclusion that I am not satisfied with the beliefs. What I do like is the bringing together of people, and the respect for other people, that religion teaches.
I've gone well tonight, I've started to get some thoughts, most of which all include my #1 fantasy. I tried only to watch sport and doccos on the tv, but In watching the tennis, I was triggered bigtime, so I turned it off after about 30 seconds. I couldnt get the strength to do it right away, since I knew it was triggering. But I got out of it and started posting online.
I am happy with today, I caught up with a friend I hadn't seen since early December. we had a good chat, and that was great. Then I caught up with a friend online. And I got so much of the garage cleaned, and all of my car cleaning equipment and half of my tools are now neatly organised. Things are starting to look tidy now, and I am happy with what I have done today
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Jan 21, 2007 8:31:31 GMT -5
Day Four
today has gone well. I set my to do list and well I didn't get everything done, but I kept busy, saw family, caught up with a couple of friends, and went for a nice drive. Before I knew it. It was 8pm, and I then watched the tennis, Federer is Unstoppable. Tomorrow is set out to be a big day, I have a lot of housework and my garage needs to be worked on for the car, I need to clean the car.
I have my first meeting tomorrow with a counselor. Its a step in the right direction. I'm clean and in day four, five tomorrow, I'm starting to feel some strength, as I am saying no to a number of urges. I also have a number of avenues to turn to instead of acting out. Finally I couldn't possibly let the people down who have been helping me so much over the last week. I would feel like a self centred jerk if I wasted away with p.
I know there are many challenges ahead of me, but I want to keep on fighting.
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Post by ghodge5 on Jan 22, 2007 1:01:04 GMT -5
Good job tomlincolnsixecho,
I hope the best for you. Believe it or not you shouldn't be ashamed of your experience. It helps people to see how good and bad it can get. No one here, well I will speak for myself. I try to the best of my ability not to judge. We all have our fantasies but when we act them out we formulate new ones which may be detrimental to our health as it progresses. The key is to identify it and committ to yourself. You know it won't be easy. But you CAN do it. You CAN save yourself. It is hard but you can't depend on anyone else but youself. Yes you don't want to let the people down deep inside, however, you won't succeed until you do this completly for you. You don't want to worry about pleasing anyone else because I tried that with my x and I really wasn't sure if I wanted to be fixed until I ended the friendship. I relapsed horribly for a week and then I got on the horse and I have been struggling but I am making it work. This is all you man.
I know you will succeed. If at first you don't succeed dust yourself off and try again. That is how you will defeat this thing. I will be watching to see how you do and to support you.
Yeah Federer is something else. I want so badly for someone else to win for a change lol. I love tennis. Can't w8 until womens tournament Wimbeldon. Love grass. Don't tell me its on now? I never pay attention to the Opens. I find out through commercials or the papers. I should start marking my calenders lol.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Jan 22, 2007 4:11:56 GMT -5
Day Five Coming to a close
Today I worked on cleaning my shed more, making room for my car and tools etc. I spent about 1 hour on the boards. Made some lunch and then spent an hour and a half washing the car. I had an appointment with a counselor, I began the interview, and we worked out some things, and a plan, which I will have to wait until May, June, because of my lack of funds due to my addiction amongst just heaps of bills.
I know I need to do this, its money well spent. I've spent at least 15 Thousand Dollars on porn and mistresses, prostitutes etc. Its crazy, imagine if I had that money in the bank.
Anyway I dont' have access to a time machine. Michael J Fox wont' give it to me. So I just have to keep going, and stay strong. I'm actually feeling good, No real urges or temptations, But I need to be vigilant. There is a long road ahead of me. On Thursday I have my first SA meeting to go to I'm hoping it all goes well.
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gnlman
Junior Member
Posts: 51
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Post by gnlman on Jan 22, 2007 4:23:07 GMT -5
Hi Tom,
Thanks for dropping by my journal. It's good to see that you're starting to feel some strength backing your recovery, and here you're getting an increasing number of people backing you. If there's a will there's a way, so stick with it.
What kind of car are you working on? I'm into cars too. However, other than basic maintenance, I don't trust myself with a wrench, but I've got a project car I've had since I was 16.
Keep up the progress, good luck. gnlman
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