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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Dec 23, 2006 18:20:59 GMT -5
I am starting to feel good about myself. Yesterday I went to the mall and did a bit of christmas shopping. I had to wait around in queues for well over half an hour, but I remained cool about it all. Thats a big step for me. Usually I get frustrated too easily, but staying positive is a step in the right direction.
I have had a few thoughts about dlp, but funnily enough that is always wwhen I am at home. I haven't bowed in yet. I have come here every time I have even thought about it. I must continue to come here all the time every day, so I don't fizzle out like I have done in the past.
I want to start focusing my attention on building relationships. I need to build some confidence, and get out of the dark and lonely corner.
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Post by Valjean on Dec 23, 2006 18:48:44 GMT -5
Hi Tom, thanks for letting us know how it's going, and especially that it's going well.
I never used to believe it before, but I really think that if you look at the world positively the world will look positively at you. It's not always obvious, and it's not always immediate but it happens... maybe we just notice it more I don't know.
Good call on deciding to build some relationships and be more confident. I took that risk for the first time recently with the girl on the train. I don't know if you read my journal but I met this girl, and in the past I'd have said nothing to her and that would have been that. But this time I thought what the hell, struck up a conversation and today I met her in town. My every instinct said cancel, not go, stand her up, anything to avoid the social contact. But I went though with it and enjoyed it. There's so much more to life than P, and building relationships are, I think, the best way to combat it.
Hang in there Tom, and stay strong, right where you are.
Valjean
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Dec 25, 2006 8:05:10 GMT -5
Hey thanks for the comments V.
I can totally understand what you mean, but at this stage I haven't got to that point myself. I am trying and I can absolutely see the greater reward for the effort, than to lay down and die to a world of smut.
I have started to suprise myself, all day I have been getting urges but discarding them. I know how important it is to build relationships, I know this is what I have to do. If i continue down this narrow one way track, I'm doomed forever.
I was shredding some paper for recycling, and I couldn't escape the glance of the fashion catalogs. I did however enjoy shredding them, knowing this is the path to something great.
Its kinda funny how bad this is, I was watching the cricket on tv and my eyes could pick out a female in the crowd in the background. DAmn how bad is this thing. Its so easy to slip, and I know if I wasn't coming here I would give in so easy. Getting this off my chest is giving me hope.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Dec 26, 2006 3:26:12 GMT -5
Ok now this is starting to get real hard, and comon its only day 3 it feels like an eternity from day ZERO. I am definately at the stage where, I could be so easily distracted and slip.
I went out today to a bbq with family, that was good, to get out of the house. However I found it extremely difficult to avoid staring at the women I saw while driving. I'm not too frustrated as I have been in the past, but just I keep getting so many urges to go and download porn. I think I remember last night, I was starting to weigh up the pros to downloading p.
One real good thing is that I keep thinking about the feelings I have after wasting away with p or mb. feelings of shame, regret. I thought about dlp just an urge, but looked at myself from the 3rd person downloading p. As I started to think about what I look like when I am downloading p, In my chair, with 37 windows open, racing around from page to page youtube, psites, etc. Its kinda pathetic. Thats when I made sure I came on here and talked about it.
I know keeping busy is an important part of sobriety, but you can still slip. I think it is definately self control, giving yourself the credit, and making a big effort. I don't want to lose this, no way. keep it going.
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recoverer
Full Member
No P since 27/06/07 and it is going to stay that way!
Posts: 155
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Post by recoverer on Dec 26, 2006 16:16:03 GMT -5
There are more cons than pro to dloading p.
Pros
Relieves stress (for me it does) Makes you feel superior (You have the power to look at women) Relieves sexual stress Makes you look cool infront of mates
Cons
Makes you feel like crap after looking at it Makes you view women as sex objects You can't talk to women or look them in the eye Can make you look at gay p or any other disgusting p If you get caught by your spouse or perant your screwed It can brake up relationships or ruin them, not with just family but good friends wo care about you. It makes you a bit of a peeping tom It can make you think like a paedophile (Depends on what p you look at) Makes you less socialable It gets more addictive evreyday you look at it Ruins your relationship with god (If you are religous) It is a big time waster espically if you are a student Can confuse your sexuality Can make you broke if you buy it Some porn is illegal and it can get you in serious trouble (like child pornography, violent pornography (Uk only I think) Changes who you are
As you can see by this you know the right answer
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Post by imtheoneincontrol on Dec 27, 2006 3:21:38 GMT -5
Child pornography is illegal in the U.S., also. Very illegal. Anyone looking at it would be in a whole sh!tload of trouble.
Good comming here, toml.s.e. Keep talking about your urges. They'll pass.
itoic
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Dec 27, 2006 6:58:06 GMT -5
I started the day very very bad. I got back into the dvds I had from the fashion channel I had recorded ages ago. I looked them over mb, an hour later I did it again. I was in a huge hole.
I then decided to take massive action. This is something I wanted to do for over a year now. I snapped every single dvd I had so I couldn't watch them anymore so I would then have to throw them out. ha. Ive been trying to do that for a year. I ve finally done it.
I guess I did get a little angry when I had realised how bad I had slipped. However instead of venting my anger negatively, i turned it into a positive. By making throwing the dvds out, I have stopped that part of slipping. Now obviously there is more to the story than that. I then started doing things, I got lunch made instead of being slack and making a sandwich. I checked out a few things, Did a bit of cleaning, talked to family, friends and I spent 4 hours out in the garden.
I could have been angry and frustrated, like I have before, over slipping, but I channeled it into a positive. I reckon I'm a great person, with heaps to offer. I just don't think anyone knows that yet. Why? Because I have been so reclusive involved in a life of smutty porn. I think the one great thing Is that I'm starting to realise this, and improve relationships around me. After all we can't do it alone. I've learned that over the alst six months. you can only do so much. I think a big part of this recovery is building relationships. I want to start building relationships as that is also part of the problem for me.
Won't give in!
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Dec 27, 2006 7:32:58 GMT -5
Day one of my challenge
Well I'm thinking i'm certainly heading into the right direction, I may not be walking in a straight line , but i'm headed there. I'm starting to think, think positively about things I can do, ideas, getting back into good habits, I just need to make sure I don't let p, mb, sa bring me down.
I need to listen to the advice from a post, i read earlier, just a little, is all it takes. I can't give in any, I need to stay vigilant. I can't let anything creep in. Especially staring at women in the street. I need to keep my mind on the job, and be aware of a potential risk, and let it go.
Its kind of pathetic, lately, My best sobriety is some thirty days, and since that achievement, I have gotten to two weeks, and after that less than a week. In the last two months, I have slipped easily every 3 days or less. I think, when I have slipped, I get 1,2, 3 days and I'm gone, I slowly slip out of all the good habits, the thoughts that keep me away from p. It starts off real strong. I'm usually angry with myself at that stage and right after slipping, and I say something like never again. But I know tomorrow is another day. The next day I have gotten over ok, and I'm still thinking strong, I see women in the street and realise that I'm looking at them, and look away. I see women in the gym, realise that I'm not focusing on my work, and I'm staring at them , so I look away. I notice the things I shouldn't be watching on tv. By day three, Im feeling a little shaky, thoughts race through my head, and It seems real hard to escape them. where as day two I am strong and kill the thoughts easily, they stay this time. I start to then see things on tv that set me off. I see women in the street and my mind starts racing, I'm at the gym, and I'm staring at the women, and I sort of know I shouldn't be, but I'm kinda trancelike and can't shake it. If i am alone that night, usually I slip, I'm watching tv, it seems too much, so I just slip.
Now it usually starts with looking at the tv, just one thing, then going onto youtube, just one video, then some psites, then before I know it I have 37 windows open and I'm going out of my mind. then where am I back to day one. now I know it may not be day 3 but thats just lately. But this is the general cycle of things.
I must keep reading this board, make some posts, read others, every single day, be a contributor. I need to make sure I am aware of this cycle, and seeing when I start to fade away, and then putting my foot down, and saying NO. I will not go any further, now back off and let this go. This is usually at the point, where, the slip happens, when I fade away. I need to stop myself from fizzing out of a good thing.
I want to do this, I want so bad to get rid of these demons, so I can get on with my life and start having a good time, and not feeling like crap every 3 days.
This is my challenge, I'm going to keep going. Not look back. The porn is selfish, I don't talk to family much, I don't see friends, I don't make friends, I can't even remember the last time I met a wonderful woman. Now is that something to be disturbed about. How selfish is this game of mine, nobody but me is involved, now is that interesting, no it is not, it is selfish. I can't sit idly by anymore. I'm not going to complain about how bad things are, how bad I have it, how I'm not going anywhere, how Im not achieving anything. Thats rubbish. Its up to me to change the person I am.
I want this
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Dec 28, 2006 19:13:22 GMT -5
Day two
I got up in the morning, probably stayed in bed for 10 minutes, but then got straight out, messed around in the garden, did a few things, then I went to the gym for a good workout. I worked more on the garden did a few things around the house that I hadn't been doing lately.
I decided since part of recovery lies in building relationships, I caught up with a friend and we got talking, I then visited another friend, and got talking, in which I also met someone new. So just in one night, going out and socialising I have achieved way more than being at home wasting time.
I have to keep the relationship building going, and knock the enemy for six. I did have a crazy dream before I got up. It was unbelievably crazy, and I was quite aroused when I woke. However I looked at it with contempt, and got up and started doing a few things. I know I want to succeed and I am not about to make it a flash in the pan as some people have described me.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Dec 29, 2006 19:10:21 GMT -5
Day Three
I got up, and caught up with a friend, who was kind enough to spend half a day helping me with my car. We were pretty busy all day, and my mind has been diverted to more positive things, and I'm starting to think about everything else.
I got all of my tasks done that I wanted to do. Now where I was talking in day one about starting to feel the slight slide, tat brings you down gradually and then whammo. you then slip. I noticed that slight slide, I was starting to look at women in the street for longer than I should. I saw a movie last night and It was challenging, I wanted to go and search the female actress. I didn't though, I saw the transformation. this is what I'm talking about, Its good to see this, and to squash it.
I am definitely in new territory here. I am basically somewhere I have never been, and I feel great. the rewards of NOT staying at home, NOT downloading porn, NOT feeling sorry for myself, well they are awesome.
I'm gonna keep on fighting this, all the way.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Jan 1, 2007 16:43:29 GMT -5
Day Six
Well it has been a bit of a struggle......It started off fairly easy, but I noticed the changing behavior, that leads to a slip, noted it and stopped the slip from happening. I think I got to about day five, and realised when going out, I was staring at women, this is something I have to stop. The other night a friend came over and we watched a great movie, not a single triggering scene in it. However after that finished I put on another video, watched about ten minutes of it and it was extremely triggering. I got my chance to take the dvd out and found something else to watch, and made an excuse for not watching the video. Later on after the dvd, we were watching normal tv and there was some triggering content on there. I got a bit carried away and my mind started to wander. The good thing is though, that I went to bed and forgot about it. Usually I sit in bed thinking about it. I think later that night I had a dream that was extremely triggering, but I got over it.
I think the good thing for me over the last week, is that I have been forming a relationship, that is keeping me away from the bad things.
I have some work to do. I coudl see myself slipping into old habbits. One thing I need to do is not to ogle women. I have to keep focus. I'm probably in a better frame of mind than I ever have been. And I want to keep this going.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Jan 4, 2007 15:55:02 GMT -5
Day One.........Again
A vicious circle, I can see!
I thought I was doing really well getting to seven days. However I did notice the slide I was talking about. I started to look at women in the street, on tv, and I was so easily distracted. I could feel it coming but I resisted for a few days. The next challenge is to keep going and resist to the point where I totally forget about it and am feeling good. Whereas the last time I would forget for a while then the thoughts would be back.
This is silly, I didn't mb this morning but I went online and looked at some videos on youtube. I also planned to go to a certain venue just so I could check out some of the women. Yeah crazy.
I really like this lady, that I have seen a few times at a store, and I have never had the courage to ask her out. I am trying to get another chance to do so, because this time I will. I have nothing to lose, And I would rather do that than keep failing with porn and anti social behavior.
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Post by Serious on Jan 5, 2007 2:03:32 GMT -5
Sorry to hear about you slip tom. It sucks to be caught up into a cycle. Just wanted to let you know I was pulling for you. Just pick up the pieces and take it day by day (or at least that is what everybody seems to say on this board.) I'll be praying for you.
-Serious
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Jan 9, 2007 0:45:00 GMT -5
Thanks serious.......I honestly only just read your message then.......I got away from the good things here. its amazing how much good effort goes down the drain, and is hard to pull yourself together.
The funny thing is, I am having an awesome time, I am appreciating soem new relationships, some new ventures, and am keeping busy. I think the last few slips one per day pretty much are out of habit. I just do it, when I know I could be ejoying something else.
Hey that just picked me right up, I want to make sure I keep it going next and not just back out. I know the warning signs. I gotta be stronger in evading them.
Cheers
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recoverer
Full Member
No P since 27/06/07 and it is going to stay that way!
Posts: 155
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Post by recoverer on Jan 9, 2007 5:04:31 GMT -5
I know what you mean about the vicous circle, it is a bug isn't, one way to avoid this circle is to believe in yourself, dont think of slipping or p in general. If you have friend that view p and talk about it openly, stay away from them, thts one you might slip.
Anyway thts enough of my ranting
Recoverer
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