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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Jan 26, 2007 22:14:57 GMT -5
Hey thanks DJ, Larus I'm really trying and at sometimes do think about acting out with mb, but realise I don't want to slip up and disappoint myself and the very people that have been helping me.
Stillhopeful - Happy Australia day to you too.....It was a fairly good day, I went to a BBQ later on and had a pretty good time. Getting out is great.
I'm entering Day Ten and I have been through some stale moments. Moments where I just have no happiness and no sorrow. I don't understand. I had an amazing amount of triggering dreams last night, so many again, I can't count. Getting up first thing in the morning is always quite difficult. Still however the first thing I am doing is getting online and posting on the board.
I went to the gym, earlier, got a few things from the shop that I needed and I must say I haven't set up a to do list today yet. So I fell behind a little bit. In getting home I had some thoughts to MB and even go onto the internet to download some videos. It wasn't strong however and I got over it pretty quickly, again the people here and at the meetings are keeping me going.
I am still rather disappointed about my efforts in some areas. While I have built strength and not totally relied upon my SA recovery, I'm still failing in several key areas. Its great that for the first time that I am starting to look at some of the underlying issues, such as my fear. I think this stems back to when I was Seven. And I think from then on, I was quite fearful of many social interactions. Now that I can understand this, I can break the habit and prove to myself that I can do this. I understand that this is not just the S addict in me that needs work.
Problem One:
I still can't seem to gather the strength to stop some of my compulsive behavior. Looking at women, wherever I am. Yesterday I found myself looking at a woman, and yet I don't think I found her to be attractive, but yet I still felt compelled to look at her over and over again. I'm not sure what its about, because I wasn't fantasizing about anything at the time. Today at the gym. I said to myself, wouldn't it be good to come online and mention how good I was and that I saw the most beautiful well toned female at the gym and I would just not even be interested. well not to be. The one female I was hoping wouldn't be there because I was fearful I'd be ogling her was there. Well I did look at her, a few times, But I didn't fantasize like I usually would. I was still checking out her physique.
Later on I was about to leave I had done everything I came to do, I was going to leave forgetting about the female I was looking at too much. Thats when I saw another lady there and I ended up jumping on a exercise bike, which I never do. I was checking her out, and after a minute, I said this is ridiculous, why am I doing this? I got up and walked out. I ask myself Why do I do this? Why can't I control myself? Why do I get so interested in the athletic abilities of women? these are all questions I would like to know the answers to at some stage in my life.
Problem Two :
Television. I know I'm supposed to be careful about what I watch, It was supposed to be news sport and doccos etc. However lately I've been flicking the channels and getting caught for a minute or so on a channel that could lead to a trigger. I'm thankful that I'm realizing what I'm doing is wrong and I jump off. these are things to work on. I'm definitely still obsessing about women. I have already seen how positive can get, with this last two weeks being probably the most productive of the last ten years. I'm already starting to see the positive improvement in myself. I want to beat this thing, And I'm not about to back down just yet.
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Post by logos on Jan 27, 2007 1:10:50 GMT -5
TL6E:
I can definitely empathize with the gym as a danger zone. And yet, getting exercise is integral to recovery. One thing that has helped me quite a bit is wearing headphones. Having my own music piped into my brain puts me more into my own world and keeps me from noticing others so much. I also connect more to my own emotions around the music that I like, rather than basically having to tune out the horrible stuff they play over the system in the weight room.
A second thing is to remind myself that *people can sense when they're being watched.* I think that, in most places, women learn to put up a defensive wall against this intrusion and guys think they can watch with impunity. The reason I'm sensitive to this is that a few years back, I moved to a new town and started working out at a straight gym for the first time. I thought I was discreet about my glances, but quickly realized I have to watch myself...a little hostile energy came my way one afternoon. Now I know that if I pay too much attention to the guys at the gym, I could find myself in trouble.
It has been ultimately good for me, in fighting my addiction, to withdraw that energy. Now, I put myself in a bubble. Or if I step out of the bubble, I have to realize that my actions affect others' comfort. I don't always succeed 100%, but I have a better sense of where to put my focus.
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Post by Serious on Jan 27, 2007 1:36:31 GMT -5
Hey Tom,
It's been a while since I checked in with you. Congrats on reaching 10 days. Passing the first week seemed to be the hardest part for me. Everything you said about looking at girls at the gym I can relate to. It is a good sign that you can recognize these non-helpful behaviors. It is only a matter of time before you figure out a way to overcome these challenges.
Good luck and keep posting, -Serious
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Post by Stillhopeful on Jan 27, 2007 6:29:42 GMT -5
Hi Tom,
You need to be just as vigilant with your behaviours now as you were nine days ago. Stick to your set rules on TV. Don't ogle women in public. Work out at the gym in a way where you won't have to see women. Set a "to do" list each day.
I suggest you also stick some key affirmations on your fridge door and repeat them aloud every time you open the fridge. I suggest, for starters:
"I do not ogle women in public"
and
"I follow my recovery plan every day."
You know the answers to the problems you posted. Remember, your body is in withdrawal and is trying to get the chemicals it is used to. However, your mind is stronger than your body. Don't be fooled into thinking you want those other things emotionally. It is an addiction. That is what is making it difficult. Mentally, you know there is nothing special about athletic women. Your body's withdrawal reaction is trying to fool you on this (and the other difficulties you mentioned).
Still
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Post by dj2005 on Jan 27, 2007 10:06:15 GMT -5
hey tom- i am so grateful for your progress! it is very inspirational to see your success. one thing that i have done in regard to ogling women is this. just one time, practice the act of looking away. just once! the next time you catch yourself, just look away. if you can teach yourself to do it once, even just for a fraction of a second, you can teach yourself to do it for longer as well. it's totally rewarding and empowering to see that you have the strength and discipline that it takes.
you are doing great! dj
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Jan 28, 2007 3:34:42 GMT -5
Day Eleven
Today has been one of the hardest days to date. I've seen myself slipping slowly. Now usually this happens after day three. However I'm really making an effort this time, despite falling in some areas.
Again I hadn't set a day plan. I've over the last two days let it go. I must set the plan. I've started to slip since not setting one. I wasn't too motivated today, I was in one of those moments where I didn't feel like doing much at all.
I went out and did the shopping which was well overdue. Watered the garden. And then it was mostly just messing around on the internet reading some articles on climate change etc.
I got caught out while watching television. I saw a movie on there that I Always wanted to see during my sex addiction. I ended up watching a bit of it even though it really didn't do anything for me. It was then that I started to think about other things. I was online and looked up some televisions hows then googled an actress. I was starting to lose it. After a while I decided it would be a good ide a to have a rest. that didn't help too much as I was lying down fantasizing about the slip I had 11 days ago. Once it got in it was so hard to get out. I'd love for this to leave me completely.
I could so easily have slipped today but I got around it.
Im going to read some goals tonight and get back on track. Definitely set the to do list, and I start work again tomorrow so that will keep me busy again
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Post by Stillhopeful on Jan 28, 2007 3:53:08 GMT -5
Hi Tom,
Set the "to do" list the night before. The morning is not a good time. At the end of a day, when you've done well with the current day's list, and feeling good about that, is the best time.
Get this part back on track.
What about your rules on TV shows? You've got to follow your plan, and not deviate from it. That is the key.
Once you have a few months of sobriety you won't feel the lure as strongly. Get through each day following that plan. It is possible. How do I know, you ask? Because others here have become free. Go to the success board (on the general board) and read some of their stories.
Still
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Post by dj2005 on Jan 28, 2007 9:32:44 GMT -5
hey tom- good job making it through that close call. it sounds like you already know what you need to do in setting up your plan. close calls like yesterday are definitely tough to escape.
the habit of perseverance you are developing is great! if you look back at your past 11 days of your journal (or the whole journal, for that matter!) you can see very clearly that you are moving ahead, despite the challenges. you recognize and acknowledge the pain, but you keep moving forward. that's the whole battle, isn't it? and soon enough the habits will melt away and the pain and struggle will ease up some. but it will always be important to keep your eyes focused on what is truly important to you. i can't tell you how much i appreciate your presence here. thank you for the inspiration!
dj
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Post by imtheoneincontrol on Jan 28, 2007 21:41:31 GMT -5
Hey TL6E,
Good job staying conscious of your triggers! I get lazy myself. I find myself oogling women alot, too. I think some of it might be natural, but it can definitely be compulsive, especially if you find yourself having a hard time communicating with women. I think women don't have a problem with us noticing them, but when we examine them with "elevator eyes" as it's referred to here - meaning, looking a woman up and down, then I think women can grow uncomfortable.
itoic
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Jan 29, 2007 3:15:14 GMT -5
Thanks guys for the comments so much, I nearly slipped and I would have been so upset if I did. Being back at day zero would be a big big disappointment. If I hadn't have gotten online to read the posts to keep me going, I could have slipped. StillHopeful thanks for the reminder to get back on track
Day Twelve
Today I got back on track, last night I set my to do list, I started back at work after holidays. It was an ok day. I went to the gym and had a good workout. While I was very conscious of needing not to look at women at the gym, I still did look, but not as bad as previously. I to my credit this time did my workout and left. No obsessive behavior here.
One thing that was upsetting me today, was the fact that a guy I work with "A TOTAL JERK" goes through life jerking people around, particularly me, stirring people up, talking disrespectful to people, no respect. Continually gives me a hard time, despite the fact that they have now been done for DUI three times. What I don't understand, is why people treat him with more respect than me. I know I've always kept to myself, but I never go out of my way to upset anyone, and yet this prick, is invited to a night out with a number of my workmates. I may have had a problem with the female in the past, but I've tried so hard to patch things up, and to be totally ignored, my mate went there, with my housemate, and not once I was asked to come. This pissed me off. I don't understand why mean spirited people coast along in life, and I get left out. It (expletive)s me. This lonliness is killing me.
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Post by larus on Jan 29, 2007 3:59:16 GMT -5
hi tlse, frustration and anger means you are vulnerable for slipping; it is easy to get sidetracked and lose your focus. So now is a time to be extra careful. Your own sobriety is the most important right now. The rest will follow later. stay strong Larus
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Post by Stillhopeful on Jan 29, 2007 5:48:17 GMT -5
I know exactly how you feel about mean-spirited people coasting along, Tom. I really do! What they are very clever at is knowing what they can and can't get away with. i believe they learned this when they were growing up - with trying things on their parents. Tom, you don't like them, correct? Well, unfortunately, they sense that you do not like or respect them, and therefore they most likely don't like you in return (as they feel rejected and/or disrespected by you). If you want them on side, you could make an effort to show (pretend) that you like and respect them (is that even possible?). Otherwise, there is little you can do other than understand why they don't invite you along. I have had this issue at work, too. My favourite example is how I used to have to organise my own birthday celebrations at work. I recall one occasion where I organised a birthday lunch and cake for myself and another co-worker turned up and told everyone when my cake was brought out that it was actually her birthday the day before. Everyone there to celebrate my birthday then sang her happy birthday with my cake and lit candles (!), and forgot to sing happy birthday to me. (Are you laughing yet? It is quite funny, in retrospect. I would be a good script writer for Seinfeld. ) She even blew out the candles and looked very happy. See? You are not alone! Organisations are very strange places indeed. Keep writing that to do list the night before, ok? Still
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Post by JohnG on Jan 29, 2007 9:45:17 GMT -5
These resentments will kill us in recovery. They have to be exorcized or they will lead to slips. The most important step is recognizing them - keep writing about them here. Don't imagine for a minute that they have nothing to do with recovery. They have everything to do with recovery.
JohnG
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Post by dj2005 on Jan 29, 2007 13:14:58 GMT -5
i totally agree with johng there. the anger and resentment you are feeling won't hurt anyone as much as it will hurt you. you can't control the way other people think and act, but you can control the way you think and act. it doesn't sound like these are the kind of people you need around you in your life anyway. you've had no problem making lots of good friends here on this board. where can you find friends to hang out with that will make you feel good about yourself? you are doing great tom. be kind to yourself! dj
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Jan 30, 2007 1:27:31 GMT -5
Hey guys thanks for the comments, I think I'm just very frustrated that people respect an idiot, more so than the respect they give me. It annoys me. These little things definitely bring my spirit down.
Day Thirteen
I'm still going on ok. Ive kept up to date with my to do list. The funny thing is, as soon as I'm leaving work, I'm thinking about the things I need to do. I have a few things to do today.
I am looking forward to my next SA meeting, which I definitely hope I can reveal a clean week.
I am definitely looking at getting some counseling, in a couple of months time, when I get some money together. I'm starting to realize the longer I stay clean for my SA the more I notice the underlying issues jumping in.
I'm keeping strong and following the plan.
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