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Post by MJ on Aug 31, 2006 5:39:37 GMT -5
Hey 1dayatatime,
I'll pray for you and your family. Stay strong.
MJ
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Post by Valjean on Aug 31, 2006 5:43:32 GMT -5
1dayatatime,
You're in my thoughts and prayers at this difficult time, friend,
Valjean
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Post by 1dayatatime on Sept 8, 2006 12:00:14 GMT -5
Well I have screwed up, big time, damn! After close to 200 days I went on a binge. My SO was out of town and I also went out of town. I confessed to my SO what I had done. That was last night. Seeing what my failing did to her is gut wrenching. I feel like the lowest of the low. Right now I am feeling such an explosive mix of feelings! I am angry with myself. I am scared that my SO might never respect me again and even leave me. (G-d, please no!) I am also feeling extremely resolute. Never, even again will I binge or use P! I am also very depressed. Please pray for my SO and me.
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Post by nowheretobefound on Sept 8, 2006 15:56:28 GMT -5
I hope you don't mind me posting here 1dayatatime. To be honest I don't know if I should just because of my own 'stuff' but I wanted to say I am sorry that you have 'fallen' and have said a prayer that you and your wife will find a way to pick up the pieces and find peace in your hearts again.
1dayatatime, may i ask why you didn't think about the way your wife would feel before you made the decision to numb your pain with a binge?
It is commendable you were forthright and honest here... but were you with your wife?
i am hurting for her and you. Please tell her there are prayers being sent for her to get through this painand for you as well. Remember... you can do it. You just have to want sobriety and all the perks that come with it (your wonderful wife for one) more than you want addiction and the 'perks' that come with it.
Best wishes... nwtbf
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Post by reconstituting on Sept 8, 2006 16:34:15 GMT -5
1day,
Perhaps you could take some comfort from the fact that it was really extreme circumstances that led to this relapse.
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Post by 1dayatatime on Sept 11, 2006 9:46:03 GMT -5
Looking back at this slip, I remember the trigger. It was the core realization of mortality. The mortality of my parents, of all those I love and, of course, of myself. I have been blessed inasmuch as I have not really had to face many deaths in my family. Now, as we all age and time inevitable passed, I know that this will change. That scared me to the core. That fear led to confusion and poor choices.
Now, I have looked that demon in the face and am dealing with it in a more positive manner. Never again will it hold the same power over my psyche.
My mother's surgery is today. I am, of course, worried and concerned. I will be praying for her all day. One thing I won't be doing is acting out. I realize now, that would be a compounding of the seriousness of the circumstance.
1dayatatime, it makes more sense everyday.
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Post by 1dayatatime on Sept 11, 2006 9:55:32 GMT -5
Confessing my most recent slip/failure was one of the hardest things I have ever done. The look of pain, disappointment and anger in her ripped the heart right out of me. Even now, days later, tears well up in my eyes as I remember her crying.
How could I have been so blind, stupid and weak? When I remember these things I feel so many things. I feel extreme sadness at the hurt I caused. I feel resolution that I will never again cause such pain!
I was so afraid that I had destroyed my marriage and would lose all for which I live. But my SO, hurt as she was, stayed with me. We all overcoming my failing, together. She saw in me something I couldn't see in myself at the time. That I will now be stronger and that I will triumph over my addiction. I still regret that she bore the price of my redemption. I am so grateful that I have the opportunity to repay her with a lifetime of devotion and share with her my sobriety.
1dayatatime
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Post by 1dayatatime on Sept 22, 2006 10:23:41 GMT -5
My mother has recovered quickly since her surgery. I spoke with her on the phone and she sounded great. My dad will have his surgery in October. He didn't look well when I visited.
I am on day 17, doing ok. I added a new element to my recovery plan. That is research in Scripture for "ammunition" against P. Proverbs 7-10 is interesting. I put copies on my PDA to have with me. Especially the discussion of the wanton woman who seeks to entrap. I identify her with the embodiment of the temptation of P. Maybe that might help someone else. I should put a posting in the General topics about that.
Keeping up the good fight, 1dayatatime
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Post by 1dayatatime on Oct 6, 2006 14:21:23 GMT -5
--Day 31 purple
I heard from my sister. She just took my father home from the hospital. His surgery to remove his kidney went well. Although I've heard he is in a lot of pain. I am just so relieved to hear that he is ok. Thank G-d!
Recovery-wise I am doing ok. I have had some tough moments in recent days, but I am keeping on.
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Post by 1dayatatime on Nov 3, 2006 10:47:42 GMT -5
My recovery is doing good, although I want it to do even better. Today is day 59 purple and 23 blue due to my SOs recovering from sugery.
I am very disappointed in the thread that was on this board that was a personal attack upon me, very disappointed.
I had a very stressful week last week, especially Wednesday 10/25. Yet I came through all right.
I am feeling rather melancholy and sad this morning.
My mom sent me an email. Her lab results came back. They confirmed the prognosis, she has cancer.
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Post by MJ on Nov 3, 2006 23:17:34 GMT -5
Hey 1dayatatime, Glad to see your recovery is going okay, but I'm very sorry to hear about your mom's prognosis. I can't imagine how that must feel. Anyways, guess that's all I can say. Be strong, ---MJ
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Post by 1dayatatime on Nov 5, 2006 18:28:04 GMT -5
I heard some more news about my mom and spoke with her. She is scheduled for radiation treatements beginning November 8. Thankfully they detected the cancer early and the recovery rate is very high. She sounded in good spirits too.
I spent the morning doing landscaping and transplanting some trees.
My recovery is doing ok. I need to do some refocusing on eliminating mental fantasies. They sometimes pop into my mind, too often really. I am also very frustrated because my SO is still recovering from her surgery and we can't be intimate. I will maintain. It is a small thing I can do for her after the many manifold expressions of her support for me. She is so much better than I deserve. I think I will go have a good cry now.
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Post by aslan on Nov 5, 2006 23:46:40 GMT -5
I hope you dont mind but I wanted to share with you another way of thinking about what you said in the above. She shows me why I am worthwhile and capable of being loving to myself and others. Our partners hold some amazing gifts for us, including the odd kick up the pants.
I pray for your family's speedy recvery.
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Post by 1dayatatime on Mar 5, 2007 19:29:11 GMT -5
Another purple day.
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Post by 1dayatatime on Mar 6, 2007 16:06:46 GMT -5
Another purple day. I will going on a vacation for the next week with my SO.
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