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Post by 1dayatatime on May 5, 2006 19:35:05 GMT -5
To date I have not had an RJ. I think it is time that I remedy that oversight. This first post will not have anything much in it. I do hope that chronicling my journey it may help someone else. That is my fervent prayer. I surely recognize how important it is to try to do all one can to help others. One thing I recognize is that I, nay all of us, need to incorporate into our recovery programs is to give back all we can to others. I pray this RJ, more than just being for myself, also gives back to others. Even knowing that I, being the miserable wretch that I am, can only do that in some small way.
I acknowledge that I need help. I also acknowledge and recognize how much help I have found here on this forum. Thank you so much to the moderators and the community here. You have already helped me more than you can know.
Now I will close this first post in my RJ with a "public" commitment to this forum that I will do my best to achieve my own sobriety, 1dayatatime.
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Post by 1dayatatime on May 7, 2006 12:12:32 GMT -5
Still purple, day 79.
Friday was day of struggle. I had the day off and took my truck in for service. Which meant I had the entire day to keep occupied. There were some moment of mental struggle. I considered going to the movies to pass some time. As it turned out the only movie that met with my schedule was the "Notorious Betty Page". Then I read about it and how it had nudity, etc. Obviously I chose not to go to that!
Here is a partial list of things I have used in my own pursuit of a P-free life:
1) Using a stronger force to battle the P-addiction drive. In my case I use a renewed desire for intimacy with my SO. Intimacy with her is a much stronger drive than the one for P. Realizing that P inhibits that intimacy made the choice a no-brainer. At the end of each day I look forward to looking into the eyes of my SO guilt-free. That is something so precious that I could never give that up for a fleeting moment of selfishness.
2) Therapy. Last November I came to a point where I had enough. I decided to do whatever it took to eliminate P from my life. This was right after a "binge". I admitted that I needed help. I sought it out from several sources, one of which is this web site. Another one was a therapist. I was fortunate to find an excellent one. Together we have made a lot of progress. I don't see him anymore. We both thought we had accomplished that which was needed. I will check in with him no doubt. Should I ever need additional help I am glad to know that he is there too.
3) I bought a new computer. One unpolluted with ever having been used for P, nor will it ever. Knowing it is P-free is a solid boundary.
4) Changing habits to promote avoidance. For example I don't drive past P shops. And I have recently started taking the bus which precludes make P stops. Little things like that. Especially in the beginning. Now I don't even have to think about avoidance. It has simply become habit and a way of living. And I do mean living as opposed to merely existing!
There is more but I will end this entry and walk the walk, 1dayatatime.
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Post by 1dayatatime on May 8, 2006 21:00:05 GMT -5
A good day, today.
One thing I did do as part of my plan was to come clean with my SO. I had always been able to hide my addiction well and maintain a facade for others. So my SO never had to deal with my addiction. She did find out, right before I had already decided to tell her about it. I had already begun the path to recovery and was seeking therapy. I will tell more about this later. Gotta go.
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Post by 1dayatatime on May 9, 2006 22:26:30 GMT -5
Actually my SO didn't know about my PA. What she found was how much money I spent on my last binge. I confessed to her what I had been spending the money on. I also explained what I was doing to change. How I was entering therapy and so forth. She was hurt and disappointed, of course. But she soon came to understand and see the evidence of how I was addressing my addiction. Since then she has been nothing but supportive. I thank G-d for her everyday and don't know where I would be without her and her support.
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Post by 1dayatatime on May 9, 2006 22:27:06 GMT -5
Still purple, another good day.
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Post by 1dayatatime on May 14, 2006 18:43:33 GMT -5
I am at day 85 of purple. I feel great. I have occasional moments. But for the most part I feel I am in a much better place. I will be on guard for over confidence. But I have no interest in P and haven't for some time. Not much time to post right now.
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Post by 1dayatatime on May 14, 2006 20:27:11 GMT -5
I don't have anything especially profound to write. I did want to share a book that I found useful in my recovery. The book is Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. It is a classic regarding in psychology. It describes the tension between the more primitive and higher brain functions. I found it useful in redirecting my own thinking habits and overcoming the "automaton" in me.
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Post by 1dayatatime on May 19, 2006 10:04:11 GMT -5
I have today off from work. Idle time produces their own unique challenges to my thoughts. I will keep busy today with errands. It is the barrage of stray thoughts that are annoying. Like those justification thoughts for P. As time goes by they lessen. But they still come.
This is day ninety-something without P or MB. It feels great.
One great blessing of sobriety is being able to look into the eyes of my SO. The increased intimacy is a true blessing.
I must make a confession. If it were not for the accountability I have to my SO I don't think I would maintain. If it weren't for her I would lose it. I'd be no where at all.
Today is another good day. I will not be acting out. Another day, 1dayatatime.
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Post by 1dayatatime on May 21, 2006 17:06:31 GMT -5
Today was another good day, recovery wise. I did some errands around the house. In the process I hurt my leg, it is throbbing. I am about to rise to the top of the 100day thread. I am really excited about that. I have thoughts on occasion about changing from complete abstinance to controlled use. But I put those off. Mostly I maintain by putting it off for today. After all "tomorrow is another day". I will definitely maintain until after day 100. Each day is all I need to handle, 1dayatatime.
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Post by 1dayatatime on May 28, 2006 22:37:26 GMT -5
Today is 100 days of no P or MB. Woo hoo!
I spent the day today doing yard work and making a run to the dump with old lumber. I will probably do more yard work and make another dump run tomorrow. I am feeling a little stiff in the shoulders and back right now. So I think I will now type anymore.
I'm still taking it, 1dayatatime.
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Post by 1dayatatime on Jun 2, 2006 10:41:46 GMT -5
I wrote this but didn't post it before. Here it is,
"Today is Monday. 93 days of sobriety, if my count is right. Having a well-defined goal of 100 days has worked well for me. In fact, the prospect of not having such a well-defined goal after I reach the 100 day goal has been disturbing. That is, simply having a goal of just 'the rest of life' seems overwhelming somehow. Maybed that would be peculiar sounding to some. Nonetheless it is that way for me. But knowing myself as I do, I think this is a better approach. I am now considering that the next goal should be for an entire year. Or perhaps a second hundred days. That would work too. Basically whatever works is good.
I have been going through some bouts of negative thinking. Along the lines of "rewarding" myself after 100 days of sobriety, or switching to a 'maintenance' mode of 'allowing' myself occasional guilty pleasure. Of course this is stupid 'stinkin thinkin'. I'm still cool and maintaining, 1dayatatime"
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Post by 1dayatatime on Jun 2, 2006 18:32:49 GMT -5
I'm having a tough day. I tried to do some yard work but it was too humid. It isn't really hot but when I try to do anything physical I start sweating. Today I'm off from work. I arranged for the septic system to be serviced.
I am struggling today. With more idle time it is worse. I keep thinking about how pleasureable it felt to MB. Then I think about why I should deny myself an "indulgence". Temptation, but I won't fall. The price is too high.
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Post by 1dayatatime on Jun 30, 2006 19:28:44 GMT -5
It's June 30th. Things have been going ok. There have been moments when I feel like giving in and "allowing" myself occasional P. There are other times I am soooo glad that I don't.
The more I think about it, the more I like the sound of "1dayatatime"
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Post by 1dayatatime on Jul 3, 2006 9:53:00 GMT -5
I have the day off today. Actually I am having five days off, since last Friday. Today has been a little more difficult because of the idle time. My SO has to work so I am on my own today with nothing in particular that I need to do.
In the past having this much free time would have been an opportunity to act out. However I will not do so now. There is too much at stake.
So I will take it, 1dayatatime.
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Post by 1dayatatime on Aug 30, 2006 22:39:10 GMT -5
8/30/6 I will not be logging on for the next week. I must go out of town to visit my parents. Although I have been planning this trip for some time, it now has more urgency. I have recently learned that my mother has an operable form of cancer and that my father must have one of his kidneys removed because of a tumor. Also my SO is away visiting her own mother. I am so stressed out. I am also worried and scared. That is why I am considering bagging it all. For me P was a stress release, admittedly a poor one. However at this particular moment I just want to numb the pain. That is why I am considering bagging it and going on a binge. I am thinking it is like purposely getting drunk. It isn't something I recommend. Or sort of like using pain killing drugs, if you aren't in pain you shouldn't use them, but if you are, then they might be useful.
I am thankful for my recent 192 days of sobriety. I have learned a lot. One thing is that I know I can do it. Just right now, I'm not sure I want to do it. I also know that any setback would only be temporary. Some may think this is just some cheap excuse. I can understand if you might. But I respect this Board too much to be other than forthright and honest here. It costs too much to be otherwise.
Prayers would be appreciated.
1dayatatime
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