nessx007
Full Member
The Sword of the Spirit
Posts: 107
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Post by nessx007 on Dec 17, 2005 13:43:33 GMT -5
Rationalization is one of the greatest weapons of this addiction. Many people fall to it. Just keep your mind straight. I found that when I was bombarded with rational thoughts, it helped to write them down in my journal and have others refute WHY they are nonsense. You may want to consider it if the rationalization gets worse.
You sound like you are doing great so far, keep it up.
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Post by sandpaper on Dec 18, 2005 8:48:44 GMT -5
Thanks for your comments, Nessx007.
Yesterday was tremendously difficult for me. I was truly on the brink of falling into a P binge because the urges was so intense. Somehow I managed, but I can't even describe the level of frustration I experienced.
I'm going to spend most of the day outside of my house because my SO will be gone all day and I don't want to have too much alone time on my hands.
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Post by sandpaper on Dec 19, 2005 8:39:03 GMT -5
I'm still here. I did not fall off the path yesterday. The advice and support here were instrumental in that. At the end of the day, however, I am the only one who can control my behavior. When I had reached my wits end trying to fight the urges, there was one last thing that kept me going: I promised myself I wouldn't fall. I've broken that promise a hundred times and I refused to do that again.
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Post by sandpaper on Dec 20, 2005 9:03:48 GMT -5
Things are better at the moment, but I'm still trying to figure out how I might improve my ability to deal with the onslaught of intense urges. I'm glad I didn't give in over the weekend; I can still look at myself in the mirror.
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Post by DeepHealing on Dec 20, 2005 17:05:36 GMT -5
Congratulations on fighting such a strong battle! Hope the urges are less intense next time.
DH
PS: just noticed we both started here October, and our post counters are nearly identical!
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Post by sandpaper on Dec 21, 2005 21:31:35 GMT -5
Good to have a companion, DH!
Things are better right now. The path is clearer. I really wish I had better control over when and how things go awry, but for now, that is apparently part of the struggle.
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Post by sandpaper on Dec 22, 2005 8:23:54 GMT -5
Things are moving forward rather smoothly, but I do need to spend some more time looking inward with meditation.
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Post by sandpaper on Dec 23, 2005 9:02:11 GMT -5
The PA is generally in check right now, but I am a bit depressed for various tangible and intangible reasons. I find myself very tired with the emotional rollercoaster. My greatest goal in life is just to be truly happy, even just for one day. My hope is that this recovery process, as difficult as it is, will bring me one step closer to that goal.
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Post by sandpaper on Dec 24, 2005 11:43:37 GMT -5
We are approaching the end of another year. I endeavor to make the new year a clean one. I'm looking forward to the holidays with family and friends because that will remind me of what's really important.
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Post by sandpaper on Dec 25, 2005 10:32:02 GMT -5
I cannot say enough about the saving grace of this Board in my recovery.
Yet again, I was experiencing strong urges to act out. But, instead of doing so, I logged onto this site, and was brought back into reality. I have much higher hopes for my Christmas day now.
Ciao.
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Post by sandpaper on Dec 26, 2005 12:22:41 GMT -5
The last 10 days have been a rollercoaster of ups and downs and intense urges.
Again and again I'm reminded that while staying away from P is difficult and crucial, it is not enough. The underlying issues which are the root of the addiction and drive me to P must be addressed.
In the new year, I pledge to really make a more concerted effort to identify and address those issues.
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Post by sandpaper on Dec 27, 2005 8:37:53 GMT -5
I am a bit down today. I think because I know I've got some tremendous work to do in this process, far more than just avoiding P, and -- as has always been the case -- I'm very uncertain about my ability to identify and follow through on making the needed changes.
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Post by choselife on Dec 27, 2005 8:57:15 GMT -5
Stick with it, Sandpaper. I am confident that what you are feeling is exactly what somebody who is truly making progress would expect to be feeling. The fact you are feeling it IS progress.
Its fine to feel uncertain. It just gives you an opportunity to examine that part of yourself, without self-medication.
The changes that are important to make will gradually unfold to you. They do not need to be made overnight. They will probably take a long time, but take pleasure on finding the right path, and taking one step at a time on your journey. Embrace the uncertainty (I know its easier said than done), and that will enable the uncertain to eventually become more certain, and will lead to a more confident you.
CL
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Post by sandpaper on Dec 28, 2005 8:27:06 GMT -5
Thanks for the support, CL. Staying positive is key, which is something I'm also working at.
I must admit, however, uncertainty is rattling to me because (probably like many of us here), I want to be in control of my life at all times and in all ways. Letting go of that desire for control has always been quite a challenge.
At any rate, I move forward, thankfully with the support of this Board.
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Post by sandpaper on Dec 30, 2005 1:00:21 GMT -5
Still moving along. I'm very busy at the moment, which always makes things easier because I'm distracted. It's when I've got downtime that I'm forced to sit with my feelings; that's when I learn. Hope to do some of that this weekend.
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