Creole's Journey. . . .

[creole]

Good morning SS,

Yes, I know that. I went back and got thru it. Watching the movie triggered feelings of sadness. My H has often described his own reaction when he saw Dr. No for the first time and how enamored he was with Ursula Andress, how he wanted to be like Bond. Although my H has shared with me some info regarding his addiction, for the first time, it really hit home to me how long he'd been indulging in his "fantasy world" rather than living totally in reality. That fantasy world was safe, he could be anything and do anything he wanted. Living in reality with me. . .from his perspective, its not "safe".

I was also pretty frustrated last night. I had to work for several hours yesterday as I must travel out of state to attend the funeral of an uncle, and when I returned home, he was sitting in his chair watching football. I poured each of us a glass of gervertztraminer and within about 5 minutes he was asleep and snoring in his chair. By 7:00, he's out like a light. I am certain that he indulged in smoking a joint because he could get away with it while I wasn't there. Once again, he stumbled into bed around midnight and then asked me this am what time I had come home from work. Didn't even remember me coming home and us sharing the glass of wine (or attempting to share it).

I feel that I am gonna have to have another Virginia Wolff confrontation with him--although I don't really want our communication to deteriorate into one of those situations, when I try to reason with him, try to simply communicate with him, H just puts another brick in his wall and all I do is waste my breath. I am tired of H putting in the "Mother" role. Plus, my intuition is telling me that H is really not making any visible effort toward recovery, all he's doing is maintaining his sobriety right now thru a self-imposed sexual anorexia. No effort at all this weekend to read the Carnes book that I bought. Hell, he shows more affection and concern to the dogs than he does to me. It safer, they make no demands and have no expectations of him.

I will have several hours today in drive time to/from the funeral. I will utilize that time to examine my own feelings and see exactly what is going on inside me so that I can make a good choice, one that is positive for me.

[creole]

Deep breath Creole, you've looked in the mirror and what you see isn't comforting, its REALITY. The co-dep was struggling to take over, to again "drive the train".

Reality--right now H is in the music room. Guitars are blaring. I had to work late tonight and when I came home, I went in and told him I'd had to work late @ the office. I went in and fixed us a bite to eat. He was in the chair watching his favorite comdey CD. . .I went in and told him that supper was ready; H did come in and fix his plate, but went back to the chair where he sat until his "pickin partner" showed up. H came alive! Jumped up, very excited and within 5 minutes, guitars and amps were going full blast as they will for the next 2 hours. Combining guitars with copious amounts of vodka always is always positive with regard to your SO--if she objects, then she become the "mother" and all that repressed anger and rage can be focused on her rather than where it really belongs. Sigh. . . .tears. . . .the lyrics to the song they're playing are so true for my situation. I think that I'm gonna printed the lyrics (hell, I can sing the, that song was one of the first they ever recorded back in '81). . .and will just sign my name to them. When I present it to him. . . .

Reality--I don't like this.

Reality--I am unhappy with playing "second fiddle" to whatever he chooses above our relationship whether it be the SA or his guitars.

Reality--I gotta say something about the way I feel. . . .

Good golly Creole, "slap upside the head". Plan for the worst and hope for the best.

Sad, 28th anniversay is coming up next week. 28 years. Over half my life I've been putting up with this BS.

I think I really can empathize with the SA/PA's who struggle with their addiction. Mine is equally destrucive. The lure, the rationalizations, the denial, DAMM.

Chin up Creole, chin up. Remember that you must be honest. "To thine own self be true".

Damm the torpedos.

[creole]

I've been sick, literally sick, the last 48 hours. I hate the intestinal bug. . .when you finish, you feel like someone took a 2 x 4 and whupped the heck out of your body. I somewhat miffed at him. . .when he was so sick, I tried to take care of him, made sure he got medicine, ate, etc. He really didn't do anything like that for me.

H has started reading the Carnes book. He told me this am that he would like to talk about stuff from the first two chapters this weekend, and I said that would be ok with me. I also ordered the book that LU recommendd, Women Sex & Addiction. While I was home, I tried to read it, but was just too sick to keep my eyes focused. I'm hoping that info from this book will be helpful to me.

[LookingUp]

Sorry you were sick, glad you're recovering. Sorry he wasn't helpful while you were down.

Glad he's reading the Carnes book and willing to talk about it. I'm praying he'll see himself in the chapters and not just be in denial that he could possibly have a problem.

LookingUp

[creole]

Its been a few days since I've posted. I have focused on working on myself and have been reading "Women, Sex and Addiction". What an eye-opener. Lots of stuff to think about and consider. This book has been well worth the money. In the book, she also discussed relationships and how co-dep behavior and thinking keep women tied to marriages and relationships that are not good. During the course of life, people change. Sometimes for the better, sometimes not. As a result of the changes in people, their relationships will also change.

Pondering that truth, that relationships will change, I feel very sad today. Why? January 18 is our traditional "anniversary". Yep, 28 years today. Only Jan 18 2006 is not one of celebration, its just another day. In past years, I felt proud that our marriage survived another year. Now, I don't feel proud, I don't feel happy, I feel a great grief. Today, I again mourn the death of that relationship that started so long ago, filled with promise. Now we are roommates, both of us struggling to address and deal with our respective demons.

H asked me this am if I'd wear my wedding band again, and he also asked me to renew our vows. I won't do either. I told him that he was asking me for something that I'm not 100% ready and willing to give, and that I thought he was a bit premature in asking. Despite all the lies and betrayal and destruction of my trust in him, the co-dep part of me was screaming "YES--GO FOR IT". Dammed rationaliations, dammed stinking thinking. . .security at any cost. What a price to pay.

Look out for yourself Creole. Ain't nobody else gonna do it gurlfriend. . .nobody else.

[joyfulneurotic]

Creole,

I wish I knew what to say. Just know that you have friends here who are following and who do care.

It may not have been much of an anniversary. I get that. My birthday came 3 weeks after our D-day last March. Worst birthday in my life. I didn't want gifts, I wanted to stay in bed and told everyone not to bother speaking to me. Pretty childish, it seems, but it's all I was capable of then.

My anniversary is tomorrow. Happy f-ing anniversary, I say.

No words of advice. Lots of empathy, though.

jn

[LookingUp]

(((((((((((( creole )))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I'm glad you stood up for yourself and didn't renew the vows or put back on your wedding band since you didn't feel ready for that step. Good for you! Hopefully this will be the eye opener he needs to reach bottom and choose recovery.

LookingUp

[creole]

Thanks Joyful & LU. Your long distance support and empathy is encouraging!

Will read more on relationships tonight. I think it will be most appropriate. . . .

[creole]

Stress, stress, stress, maintain Creole. Stress is a trigger that makes the co-dep Creole scream to be released. All of this stress has been following me around for a while, and perhaps by elaborating and writing it out, I might get a bit of relief. No pity for me, but I do need to "share" somewhere and this journal will be a good place to do so. Let me elaborate. . .

H's brother & SIL will be flying home on Saturday and will spend a week visiting with the family. H is very uncomfortable and his anxiety level is increasing--he and his brother are not close on any level, and for the entire time I've been in this family, they have never been more than simply civil and polite to each other. Sooo, the H is feeling the "family obligation & expectation" anxiety which affects his serenity and sobriety. I'm aware of his increasing anxiety and he knows my "radar" is out, but I told him he needs to address why he feels the way he does. Avoiding the feeling or self-medicating with the alcohol or the other won't make the reason he feels the way disappear. Basically, he is stuck in one of his emotional ages and his inner child is driving the train. His inner child wants to be comforted--its hard for both of us because this mamma ain't into comfort right now, this mamma say, face it, address it, formulate a plan, then do it. His inner child just gets pissy which makes me pissy. . .bad cycle. Will try to drink my nice merlot this pm and sit on the porch while his inner child indulges this pm. . .drums and guitars till late in the evening.

Stress #2 involves a very good friend who is struggling (again). Bad bad situation resulting from some poor choices on her part. I helped her get back on her feet again after finding her homeless and peniless. Helped her get a job, a place to live, ect. Helped her regain some of her self-esteem and helped her begin working on improving her emotional stability. Then, in the post-Katrina economy, she was laid off from her job and then two weeks later, she lost her mother. Emotional overload for her. She moved to another town at the end of Sept. to live with family members. Anyway, falling out and she got kicked out. Called me all crying. I detached and listened and empathized with her, but didn't offer to rescue her again. I hate feeling guilty about not helping someone. . .dammed co-dependency rearing its ugly head again.

Stress #3 involves the adoption of my grandchildren by my sister and BIL. My daughter, the mother of the twins, has extreme chemical dependency and mental instability issues. She granted temporary custody of the girls to my sister & BIL who have no children. Anyway, we're working on getting that finalized. Hurry up Creole, we need to have this done asap. Well legal work is pro-bono and paying clients come first. . . .

Stress #4 is my Dad and his deteriorating physical condition due to the brain tumor and the radiation. I'm doing all I can to help and handle as much as I can, but with two of my three sibilings living states and hours away, things get tough. Deep breath Creole. Its that co-dep feeling again, gotta take care of everyone, gotta control the situation. My sister phoned and whined about needing to come see Dad but she wants to combine 2 trips in one--adoption and to see Dad. I'm gonna tell her tonight that she needs to get off her butt and come see him regardless of the adoption or not. Daddy needs to see her. . .she needs to make her peace. She has not been home since Dec 04. . .and yeah, can ya tell I'm slightly pissed at her? Yeah Creole, let go of that feeling. . .

Stress #5--my brother is divorcing his wife. Bad bad situation . . .

Ahhh, life in the 'hood"--ain't it simply grand! My dysfunctional family, all our problems, individual and intertwined, sometimes, the emotional overload that comes from living in the reality of life is overwhelming

Creole, remember that you can't fix it all, hell all you can fix is yourself. I'm so grateful to LU & Joyful. . .they have helped to keep me focused.

More ramblings tomorrow. . . .

[LookingUp]

((((((((((((((((((((( Creole ))))))))))))))))))))

I"m feeling overwhelmed just reading about your life - can't imagine having all that going on. I'm impressed with how well you're staying disengaged from the dysfunction. Keep up the great work.

LookingUp

[creole]

Thanks LU!

Difficult evening; when I arrived home I phoned to check on Dad and learned that he was back in the hospital. I tried to call all my siblings to give them an update but couldn't get any of them. I made plans to go stay the night with him, then went in and drank a glass of merlot and cried for about an hour. Pure release of my frustrations and anger at my sister and her attitude, my dissapointment in my brothers and my frustration at not being able to do a dammed thing about Dad's condition. Having a family member who is struggling with a significant medical illness really intensifies those feelings of being out of control, the one thing that a co-dep fears more than anything else. Those whispers of "gotta do something to control, to ease the fear and pain" really begin to shout. H came home and found me sitting on my front porch with the glass of wine, crying and I told him what was going on. He expressed his sympathies, but then he got all "Mr Man" on me and informed me that I didn't need to get too worked up about this situation with Dad. Although it was the truth (and I knew it was the truth), I really wanted to reach out and slap him into next week. Damm, what is wrong with crying when I want to cry? What is wrong with feeling the pain that I feel and then expressing it? H is afraid of me expressing any emotion whether it be fear, anger, sadness, frustration.

Anyway, I drove the 45 minutes to the hospital and prayed and talked to God while I drove. I like to talk to God while I'm driving--no one but me and Him. While at the hospital last night, I continued to read "Women Sex And Addiction". It is a superb book. It will be one that I will never lend simply because I don't want to be without it.

I feel the need to address the situation with my sister this weekend. I will write out my response to her and practice it before I call her. I handle confrontational situations better if I follow that particular game plan. Guess I could spend part of my weekend working on a response to my H about our situation.

[creole]

I am finding center, I am strong, I am alive, I feel.

The best way to describe this weekend is "Co-dep recovery assertion". When I arrived home on Friday pm, H had gone to Sam's and purchased stuff. We had originally planned to do this together on Saturday and I was a bit surprised. I asked him if he had done it so that he could manage his anxiety about his brother and SIL's visit. He asserted that he did it just to save $$--he always asserts that we spend way too much when I go. I told him that was just a blatent co-dependent behavior and that it was a really piss poor way to manage his anxiety and fears. He didn't like it that I called his behavior what it was.

Continued to work thru "Women, Sex and Addiction". Cleaned house on Saturday. When I took a break and went to the front porch to smoke a cigarette, I again discovered it! He'd left half a joint in the ashtray! On OUR front porch! I absolutely felt like he had drop kicked me. I called him to the porch and asked about it--all he could say was "I'm so sorry baby, I won't let this happen again". Yeah right. His picking partner showed up an they went in to play music. I sat and cried. Partner left and then H went to pick up his brother & SIL @ the airport. He came home several hours later. I slept on the sofa. No communication--for my part, I had was still hurting and its not good for me to try to communicate with him when I am in an emotional state. I have to detach.

On Sunday, I made a huge pot of gumbo. Continued limited conversation with H. I went in and told him that I'd be back in a bit as I was taking half the gumbo to my Dad. I stated that when we finished our family dinner later this evening, we'd discuss this business. H's brother & SIL were coming for dinner so I had to maintain until after they left.

H was in the bedroom, on the bed, reading the first book in "The Lord Of The Rings" trilogy. I went in and told him that we needed to discuss his violation of my boundary. He said "I told you I was sorry, I won't do it again". I just looked at him and said, "Carnes says that if you don't learn a lesson, you repeat it. I am tired of repeating this incident, I am tired of feeling like you kicked me in my solar plexus, I am tired of this pain that comes when you make this choice. Every time you make this choice, every time you violate this boundary, the ONLY boundary I have set with you, you add another brick to the wall of distrust that you created for me in this relationship, you hinder MY recovery. You want me to trust you, you want me to continue to stay in this relatipnship with you. If I say "yes", the co-dep has won, I've sacrificed myself and my belief to make you happy. I ain't willing to do that no more. I ain't gonna stay in a relationship where I am not respected, where I don't feel safe, and with someone who wants me to continue behaving and thinking in a manner that is totally deterimental and negative for me. No way, no more. You have chosen and you've left me no options. I ain't gonna stay here. Plan on me leaving. Plan on addressing your own manipulative and co-dependent behavior. Plan on lots of individual counseling to figure out what trips your buttons. You can have everything you want--the house can be fixed up the way you want it, just how you like. You can manage all money. You just aren't gonna have me here. When folks ask, I will tell them my truth--you can tell them whatever the hell you want to." No tears from me--just quiet statements of fact and truth. His only response was the "deer in the headlight look".

I went back to the front room with my book and continued to read. The sofa actually doesn't sleep too badly!

I have my second interview for the new job tomorrow. Just feels right.

[joyfulneurotic]

It's just so wrong that he keeps crossing your boundary and figures a cheap "sorry" is going to fix it all right back up again.

I am so proud of you for sticking to you guns, though. When we hold our boundaries tight we learn to trust ourselves. You're doing this so well.

jn

ps. Good luck with the interview!!!

[creole]

Listening to random music on the computer and this song played. Kinda sums up the way I feel about the relationship:


You Are the Storm
Matraca Berg with Ronnie Samoset

I saw you standing there
Outside the windows of my heart
So cold and shivering
There in your world that is so dark
I wish that I could set you free
From all your insecurities
But you threw away the key
When you locked the door

I tried to love you
I tried to keep you from harm
But I might as well be holding the wind in my arms
Oh, I can't give you shelter
When you are the storm

There is a wind tonight
That blows and chills me to the bone
Here by the fireside
Even the heat can't keep me warm
I'm haunted by your troubled soul
That rages so out of control
But I had to let you go
I had to let you go

I tried to love you
I tried to keep you from harm
But I might as well be holding the wind in my arms
Oh, I can't give you shelter
When you are the storm

Sometimes I live here and wonder
If you'll ever change
Then I hear the lightning and thunder and the rain

I tried to love you
I tried to keep you from harm
But I might as well be holding the wind in my arms
Oh, I can't give you shelter
When you are the storm

Oh, I can't give you shelter
When you are the storm
Oh, I can't give you shelter
When you are the storm
Oh, I can't give you shelter
When you are the storm

He is the storm. . . .

[creole]

Detachment is difficult, but I congratulated myself this am because it occurred to me that my ability to detach gets stronger each day. Detachment is good! Detachment reinforces my self-image, my self- esteem and allows me to listen to my intuition and honor it. Detachment allows me to see and hear truth and to process it.

My interview went well yesterday. While I was driving, I had a phone call from one of my good friends. She had called the night before and left a message with my H (who didn't tell me that she'd called). Selfish co-dependent behavior, don't tell Creole that she had a call because she will sit on the sofa, read her book and I can just make her be here with me. I recognized it immediately for what it was. Anyway I told her that we were having issues and I eneded up telling her the whole story. Yep, the whole nine yards. It was such a relief to share all that had happened, and I literally felt like I dropped 10 lbs. She shared with me that her husband is also a sex addict and that she' dealing with the same thing. WOW what an eye opener!

When I arrived home, H asked me how the interview went. He is very anxious about me taking this new job. Then, he asks me, "Have you given any consideration as to how much you will contribute to the joint house account each month? I really need some relief about this". Dammed deprivation programming which just ties in to his sexual anorexia and copdependent behaviors. I just looked at him, took a sip of wine and pondered his question. After a minute or two, I quietly said, "Did you hear yourself? Don't you think that question was just a bit premature? Not 48 hours ago you just dumped all the trust that I had acquired into the toilet and flushed it down the drain. Now, your most important concern is how much money I will make and how much I'm gonna contribute so that you can get some relief? How dammed co-dependent is that? Aren't you tired of being the victim and playing the self-deprivation game?. No relief for you until you start addressing your issues. Giving you my entire paycheck ain't gonna give you no relief. You still trying to control stuff so you can manage everything." As always, he got really irritated and angry. He told me "You really need to go back to counseling, you need to go get your issues worked out.". I responded that he was deflecting and projecting his own needs to me in order to make himself feel better, that he was the one who really needed to go and begin working thru his stuff. He stomped off to the bedroom. End of conversation.

My fourth night on the sofa. . .slept like a baby. He told me that I was being very manipulative to sleep on the sofa. I told him that I preferred the sofa to sleeping in the same bed with a liar who violates my boundary and makes me feel that he can't be trusted.

Every day, I speak more honesty and more truth to him. He cannot seem to reciprocate. He thinks he's just fine that he has his addiction under control and now that he is sober (not recovering) that he will again manipulate Creole back to the co-dep two step so that he can control as much as possible. Sigh. Thank goodness for detachment and discernment.