|
Post by creole on Aug 3, 2005 8:38:34 GMT -5
Ah, my first post. What can I say today? Pushing 90 days since "Revelation" day on May 7. I've come a long way, but know that my journey is not over, and probably never will be. I have a long road to travel.
Yesterday started out on a very positive note and I went for counseling. Good session there; we discussed the boundary that I set and my bungled attempt to set another boundary with my H.
It was my SIL's birthday so after the counseling session, I purchased a birthday present for him and stopped by their house to wish him "Happy Birthday".
Went home and later that evening discovered that my H had violated my boundary. I was not emotional at all (big + for me and a big step forward in recovering from my co-dep behavior!). I calmly told him he had chosen to violate the boundary it was not acceptable to me, that I was very disappointed and quite hurt over his choice--he replied that I needed to cut him some slack and that all I was trying to do was to control his behavior. I told him that I wasn't controlling his behavior--he made the choice and now he had to deal with the consequences. I also told him that I didn't appreciate him acting like he was a teenager and putting me in the role of "Mamma" with regard to the choice he made and how he was reacting. I also told him that if he didn't want to change that I'd prefer to know right now so that I could get on with rebuilding my life. I told him that I was trying to rebuild my trust in him and his choice to violate this boundary was a trust breaker. . . . .GRRRRRRR
Decided that a "time out" was in order. Packed my bag, got in my truck and spent the night with a friend.
He has a counseling session this pm; I will call the counselor this am to let her know what has happened so she can at least have a "heads up" on this issue.
Still strong in my conviction that I will NOT live life as an ostrich with its head in the sand co-dep enabler. Nope, never again.
|
|
|
Post by Ian on Aug 3, 2005 8:56:20 GMT -5
Amazing... you handled this searingly painful moment with such skill and self-respect. I am so impressed with your posts so far. Keep workin' it!
|
|
|
Post by creole on Aug 3, 2005 10:28:18 GMT -5
Ah, the eagle has landed via "email" from H. I have replied and sent it on.
Guess the worst thing is his attempt to use the dogs to make me feel guilty. "Think about how all this is affecting them". . . .just told him that the dogs' distress about last night's ignunance was another consequence of his choice. I love the dog friends and I know that they sense something is wrong, but I'll be dammed if he will hold them over my head as emotional hostages. I'll take em all and he can pay "dog support" and will have visitation rights. . . .
Ah well, detachment is good. Detachment is positive. Detachment is positive self-affirmation.
|
|
|
Post by creole on Aug 3, 2005 13:55:10 GMT -5
My new rules which seem to be working for me every single day:
Take responsibility. Keep it simple. Focus. Be flexible. Be positive. Love. Believe. Serve. Give. Ask. Speak up. Lighten up. Discover your uniqueness. Acknowledge God's presence and power. Be thankful. Be prepared for the worst. Expect the best.
|
|
|
Post by creole on Aug 4, 2005 8:45:49 GMT -5
I feel very positive this morning. I plan to fast today which will be a positive thing for me to do.
H came back from counseling and admitted that he had violated the boundary and told me he'd never do it again. I thanked him for admitting to what he'd done and told him that if it ever happened again, I was outta there for good. No BS, just bottom line truth. I am prepared, emotionally and am getting prepared financially should that day ever happen.
I read a great book last night: "The Disease To Please". Yes, I confess--I'm a Olympic caliber, world-class people-pleaser of the highest degree and that behavior has really contributed to many of my real life distresses and I know it certainly wasn't a positive enhancement as H & I struggled to stay married. Quite frankly, that character flaw definately contributed to my skewed viewpoint. Anway, the book really helped me understand myself better. One of the points from the book is that we can improve ourselves if we would remove the "shoulds" and "musts" from our thinking and perceptions. The author states that we should stop killing ourselves with the "musterbating" (ie, I must do. . . .I must finish. . . ., etc); sorry, couldn't help but chuckle at that particular play on words! With that in mind, I will also attempt to shift my thinking to stop "musterbating" and to remove the "should" replacing it with a more positive word--humm use "prefer" maybe? It will be a good exercise for me to shift my thinking.
Trying to get H to read more than his Carnes book, but right now his main focus is his recovery from the SA. I know he will need to address his own co-dep issues in due time, so I'm trying to remain patient with him.
Communication with him on important things is difficult at best. Our styles are really different--I like to verbalize, make eye contact, but he prefers to write me a letter or a note, doling out info in little bits and pieces. Its like assembling a jigsaw puzzle without knowing what the picture is gonna finally look like, not knowing how many pieces it will take, and not knowing whether the piece you receive today will fit in with what you've already pieced together. Patience.
On my daily goals, I did very well yesterday. Maybe I need to clarify my rules just a bit. . .
Take responsibility for my feelings and choices--acknowledge my feelings, understand why I feel as I do and accept the consequences of all my choices.
Keep it simple--many times situations are already very complicated without my adding my own particular "spice" to the mix. Cut to the heart of the matter and not become tangled in the rationalizations, the "sell", which allow my emotions to drive the train.
Focus--keep my needs, recovery goals, job responsibilities and life goals on the front burner, rather than discounting their importance and shoving them to the back in my efforts to help others.
Be flexible--things are never just the co-dep black and white and I need to practice the art of diplomacy and compromise with myself and with others.
Be positive--progression is my daily goal. Perfection of tasks may be achieved at times, but I am perfectly imperfect and God still loves me and accepts me for it. With this knowledge, I love and accept myself.
Love--love myself first before I love others. Love is not infallible simply due to the fact that it is created by very fallible humans.
Believe--trust in God, my Higher Power, knowing that he will give me strength, courage and knowledge sufficient for today, and that he will answer my prayers in His time.
Serve--do something considerate for a stranger each day; sometimes its as simple as letting someone into the traffic during rush hour, or letting someone go ahead of me in the checkout line.
Give--give myself the opportunity to utilize all my recovery tools to make myself a better person, just for today.
Ask--all someone can say is "no". The Book says ". . .ask and ye shall receive". Try to insure that my questioning is not an interrogation or an attack.
Speak up--share my ideas, thoughts and feelings in an appropriate way.
Lighten up--I can't control others, but I can control my choices!
Discover your uniqueness--I am a perfectly imperfect beautiful child of God who is progressing and learning to enjoy and appreciate each day that I'm given.
Acknowledge God's presence and power--without Him, I am naught. . look around to see His handiwork every day, in the fraigle beauty of a ruby-throated hummingbird, a cicada singing, the storm over the lake. . . .
Be thankful--for the privilige of seeing another sunrise, for all the many small blessings that come my way each day, for my family, my friends and my health.
Be prepared for the worst--not in a co-dep way, but in a healthy way, knowing that I have the inner strength and God's blessings to be sufficient to any task or undertaking that comes my way each day.
HOPE for the best--expectations are tricky because they can set you up for disappointment. Hope is a better choice. Know that even in bad situations, an opportunity exists for change toward the good and positive. I also need to add:
Forgive--forgive myself for all my past actions and behaviors knowing that I really didn't understand why I allowed emotions to dictate my choices. Forgive others, acknowledge the anger, pain and grief, and then let it go.
|
|
|
Post by creole on Aug 4, 2005 9:22:10 GMT -5
Cool stuff to reference today:
From a website I lucked upon:
"Push hard to get better, become smarter, grow your devotion to the truth, fuel your commitment to beauty, refine your emotional intelligence, hone your dreams, negotiate with your shadow, cure your ignorance, shed your pettiness, heighten your drive to look for the best in people, and soften your heart—even as you always accept yourself for exactly who you are with all of your so-called imperfections"
This was a quote from Maui's post. I like it so I'm gonna copy it here for future reference:
"Reinterpreting Anger and Attack
Perhaps it will be helpful to remember that no one can be angry at a fact. It is always an interpretation that gives rise to negative emotions, regardless of their seeming justification by what appears as facts.
If anger comes from an interpretation and not a fact, it is never justified. Once this is even dimly grasped, the way is open.
When you are angry, is it not because someone has failed to fill the function you allotted him? And does not this become the "reason" your attack is justified?
Without projection there can be no anger, but it is also true that without extension there can be no love.
Accept only loving thoughts in others and regard everything else as an appeal for help.
There is nothing to prevent you from recognizing all calls for help as exactly what they are except your own imagined need to attack.
If you attack error in another, you will hurt yourself. You cannot know your brother when you attack him. Attack is always made upon a stranger. You are making him a stranger by misperceiving him, and so you cannot know him. It is because you have made him a stranger that you are afraid of him. Perceive him correctly so that you can know him.
Because your attack thoughts will be projected, you will fear attack.
Projection and attack are inevitably related, because projection is always a means of justifying an attack. Anger without projection is impossible.
Any concept of punishment involves the projection of blame, and reinforces the idea that blame is justified. The result is a lesson in blame, for all behavior teaches the beliefs that motivate it.
Those whom you perceive as opponents are part of your peace, which you are giving up by attacking them.
Safety is the complete relinquishment of attack. No compromise is possible in this. Teach attack in any form and you have learned it, and it will hurt you.
The strong do not attack because they see no need to do so. Before the idea of attack can enter your mind, you must have perceived yourself as weak.
Everyone here has entered darkness, yet no one has entered it alone. For he has come with Heaven's Help within him, ready to lead him out of darkness into light at any time. The time he chooses can be any time, for help is there, awaiting but his choice. And when he chooses to avail himself of what is given him, then will he see each situation that he thought before was means to justify his anger turned to an event which justified his love. He will hear plainly that the calls to war he heard before are really calls to peace. He will perceive that where he gave attack is but another altar where he can, with equal ease and far more happiness, bestow forgiveness. And he will reinterpret all temptation as just another chance to bring him joy.
Joy goes with gentleness as surely as grief attends attack.
The perfectly safe are wholly benign. They bless because they know that they are blessed.
Today we . . . take a stand against our anger, that your fears may disappear and offer room to love.
Grievances are completely alien to love. Grievances attack love and keep its light obscure. If I hold grievances I am attacking love, and therefore attacking my Self.
Without attack thoughts, I could not see a world of attack. As forgiveness allows love to return to my awareness, I will see a world of peace and safety and joy. And it is this I choose to see, in place of what I look on now."
This is from one of Looking Up's posts today; I likes, and will keep for future reference:
"I used to live my life as if I were on a ladder. Everyone was either above me—to be feared and envied—or below me—to be pitied. God was way, way at the top, beyond my view. That was a hard, lonely way to live, because no two people can stand comfortably on the same rung for very long.
When I came to Al-Anon, I found a lot of people who had decided to climb down from their ladders into the circle of fellowship. In the circle we were all on equal terms, and God was right in the center, easily accessible. When newcomers arrived we didn't worry about rearranging everyone’s position, we simply widened the circle.
Today I no longer look up to some people and down on others. I can look each person in the eye, squarely and honestly. Today, being humble means climbing down from the ladder of judgment of myself and others, and taking my rightful place in a worldwide circle of love and support.
Today’s Reminder: My thoughts are my teachers. Are they teaching me to love and appreciate myself and others, or are they teaching me to practice isolation? Today I will choose my teachers with greater care.
“ ‘Live and let live’ sets us free from the compulsion to criticize, judge, condemn, and retaliate . . . which can damage us far more than those against whom we use such weapons. Overeater’s Anonymous* teaches us tolerance rooted in love.”
|
|
|
Post by creole on Aug 5, 2005 9:41:50 GMT -5
Friday. . . .weekend is nigh. Weeks ago this would have been a major anxiety trigger for me. . .it was extremely depressing to even consider spending 48 hours with my SAH, knowing what he had chosen, feeling like such a reject, and practicing extreme restraint to refrain from"kicking his a$$ to the curb".
Sunday will be 90 days since "Revelation" day. . . .and I feel pretty positive about my self-examination and the progress I've made toward becoming a better person. I am also very encouraged that my H is actively pursuing his recovery; although he has been attending counseling sessions since Rday, he remained in denial until last month. Don't know exactly what incident proved to be the turning point; perhaps it was the confrontation regarding the computer brower history. In any case, it is very encouraging to see the changes in him and it does give me some hope that we can build a new relationship. H confessed that he masturbates to self-medicate his anxiety, his anger and his boredom and that he has never acted out with another person. He has begun openly working thru his Patrick Carnes workbook--he kept it hidden for the first 6-7 weeks). He also writes me a "letter" almost every day and in it he shares another part of himself and it is something that I never knew. He's kept many feelings and most of his real childhood relationships stuffed into a big ole barrel and he nailed the lid down tight; now the lid is off and he's rummaging around and remembering all sorts of nasty stuff that he's tried to forget all these years. H is emotionally constipated. Trying to get him to share thoughts, feelings, etc. with me is like trying to pull hens's teeth. I get more from him in an intensive "Virginia Wolff" session than I get in weeks of patient, quiet waiting. Damm, I am not particularly fond of the Virginia Wolff sessions either.
Anyway, since he has been progressing, I decided to share the bed with him--sleep, physical, non-sexual touch allowed, but nothing sexual. Man, alternating nights on the futon was hard. . . . Last night was also interesting. After the boundary incident earlier in the week (not a sexual boundary issue) we had mutually agreed to try to have a simple physical intimate reconnection time, no sex, just physical touch and verbal communication. I was late arriving a home due to another commitment (which he knew about). We were watching TV and within about 3 minutes, he went from having a converstion with me to snoozing in the armchair. I left him there. The good thing is that he talked with me this am and actually told me that his anxiety had been triggered because he was afraid that he'd "fail" me and in his anxiety he'd overmedicated himself with one too many vodka & tonics . He said that for the first time, he realizes that he has substituted one addiction (the SA) for another (the alcohol) and that he won't recover until he addresses the anxieties and fears. For the first time since Rday, he actually used the words "my recovery". Significant turning point for him. I told him that he was being too hard on himself, that what I had suggested wasn't about failure, I had no preconceived expectations of him, it was about reconnection at a baby-step level. I also told him that I was really proud of him--I gave him a big hug and told him so! I told him that perhaps I had been premature in my efforts to try to rebuild sexual intimacy with him, and that I'd back off and give him more time.
More hopeful today than I've been in months or even years.
|
|
|
Post by creole on Aug 8, 2005 8:49:53 GMT -5
Another weekend past. . . .thank goodnes its now "past".
The weekend involved incidents that were very special and those that evolved into Virginia Wolf moments. Boundary issues. . . . let me confess that the boundary involves marijuana and possessing it in our home. The boundary was that I didn't want it in the house or on our property.
Friday evening was very special--it had cooled down significantly, the thunder was rolling and the breeze felt so good--we anticipated a nice thurderstorm with a bit or rain. Evenings on a front porch in the South are special. Anyway, later that evening, I received a phone call from a friend and visited with her about 20 minutes. H had already gone to bed; when I went to the bedroom, I discovered he had AGAIN violated the boundary I set. I just told him goodnight, packed my stuff & again left and spent the night with a good friend who knows that H & I are struggling with issues, just doesn't know what they really are.
Returned home the next morning and spent all day in major housecleaning--ceiling fans, top of the fridge, sweep, vaccum, mop, etc. I was so angry and tried to work thru my anger by cleaning house; H acted as if nothing was really wrong. I finished around 5:00, had a nice soak in the bathtub and waited till 6:30 that evening for him to address the "elephant" which he didn't do. Finally, I told myself that if I didn't make him understand that I was serious, this boundary issue would become a moot point and that it was my responsibility to make him understand the consequences of HIS choice to disregard the boundary. I went into the bedroom and began packing my bag. H wanted to know why--I told him that he'd violated the boundary again, and my bottom line was I wasn't gonna stay with him if he continued to make that choice. H lost it--pitched a hissy fit, blamed me, told me I was crazy and I was making him crazy. I detached, watched him rage, asked him how old he felt; without crying and in a very soft voice I told him that it wasn't my doing--he made that choice and had to live with the consequences, which is bottom line--if its in the house, I won't be. H retrieved all of it, flushed it down the toilet and said that it was no decision--he wanted me before that. Big hugs and lots of tears from both of us.
All that Virginia Wolff emotion. . . .I certainly hope he doesn't change his mind. . . .H reminded me that he was as new to this boundary situation as I am because the entire time we'd been married, NEITHER of us had a boundary. . . .we just two free radicals bouncing thru a relationship feeling very frustrated and angry and not understanding the harm we did to ourselves and each other by having no boundaries. We've gotta change that.
Sunday was a beautiful day; we really communicated, took a nap and I really enjoyed his company.
Perhaps things are looking up. I have decided to make another run ad quitting the cigarettes. Its time; I've quit before but havent' had much success the last few times I've tried to quit. Guess I feel like its a "quid pro quo" for H for giving up the smoke. . . .will try to concentrate my efforts to tracking when I smoke, what I'm feeling when I want one, etc. so that maybe I can break the habit.
|
|
|
Post by lametterey on Aug 8, 2005 12:58:16 GMT -5
Great thread! Though I am single, I love to see the progress of relationship recovery. Well done sticking to bottom line consequences and detaching. Another thing I noticed, actually two, were the timing in talking to him about the BV, and speaking your truth with love. Well done! One thought occured to me. "The level of my serenity is inversely proportional to the level of my expectations."
Thanks for the experience, strength and hope!
|
|
|
Post by creole on Aug 9, 2005 9:06:42 GMT -5
I think I will work on a letter to my H, as a positive effort for me to move forward in my recovery and toward building a new relationship with him:
Dear. . . . .
In many ways, its easier for me to write my thoughts than to say them to you. I feel that you give more attention to the written word than the spoken ones. With that in mind, I want to share some of my thoughts and feelings with you.
First off, I do love you, and I acknowledge that I have a history with you that my body and soul will never forget, nor do I wish to forget. However, one of the truths about the reality of love that I learned from my relationship with ####, who I also gave my heart to and who I loved–is that you can love someone truly and deeply, but not be able to live with them. Love is not infallible simply due to the fact that it is created by very fallible humans. At times love can be (and is) strong and real, but it can also be harmful and painful. I also affirm that I am trying to be as patient and empathetic as I can with you now, as I also struggle with my own emotions and issues. There are times when the co-dep part of me wants to take over, to make you feel better, and it screams to me that I’m so bad and guilty for my actions which have caused you to feel and to behave this way, etc. My struggle to change my behavior isn’t easy; for that reason I am making a conscious effort to be as empathetic to you in your struggle as I can. Just remember, no matter how empathetic and patient I am, I can’t fight your battle, I can’t make your decisions, just as you can’t do that for me.
I also truly believe that the man I fell in love with (and whom I still love) is still there–the handsome, sensitive man who is so intelligent and talented and who shares so many of the same things that I enjoy and love. I admit my difficulty and struggle to reconcile the man I fell in love with with the alter-ego I discovered on “Revelation day”. In 1977-78, I chose YOU to be my partner on the road of life and I made a promise to you. You know how I feel about promises.
As you stated, one good consequence of the disclosures of “revelation day” is that both of us were forced to choose. We could have chosen to stay were we were, as we were, and just destroyed each other with accusations, anger and retaliations. We could have chosen to stay where we were, as we were, and just maintained the ‘status quo” for our families and friends. The pain of staying as we were, where we were, was much more painful that the thought of changing and we chose to begin a new journey both into self and with each other. I believe that for a portion of that journey, we will share the same path. However, in reality there will be times when the road will fork, and based upon our individual choices of what is good for us or what we can or cannot tolerate from the other or ourselves, we must journey alone. I feel I am walking a very lonely and difficult road to a final unknown destination which may or may not include you. As I travel my road, I pray for courage and strength because I know that without them, my efforts will be for naught. I say the same prayer for you. I’m working hard on myself, for myself. When the real you and me finally emerge, either of us may decide that we can’t continue to share the road and the journey with the other. If it happens that way for you, I pledge my respect to honor your decision, and I ask no less of you. I love you, and I always will, but in our dance of the last 27 years, I lost myself. . . I must find who I really am, I must be self-sufficient, make decisions from strength and what is best for me, not out of weakness or fear. I simply can’t go on living with myself the way I was. For me, our marriage, the old relationship, died on May 7, 2005 and I still grieve for what was lost. Now, in spite of the pain that I felt, I see that in many respects the destruction is a positive thing. My reality of that relationship is that I wasn’t happy, you weren’t happy and neither of us could progress, nor was our relationship progressing. Now we do have an opportunity to build a new relationship, one in which you and I are both emotionally strong and stable and grounded in reality, one not based on fantasy, or based on how easy it is to just continue in our co-dependent behaviors, feelings of guilt or fear of the future, or because we can’t imagine life without the other. None of the above reasons are satisfactory incentives for me to continue to work toward maintaing a relationshiop with you..
Another consequence of “Revelation day” is the emotional sensory overload which has been a difficult challenge. Don’t your feelings and emotions fluctuate? Kudos to you for asserting control over your feelings, because I have moments of difficulty achieving that. I will tell you this: I think that probably every time you sense my feelings fluctuating, its because I’ve pulled back another layer from myself, as I examine the why of my feelings and behavior. One thing I’m learning thru this is that if you don’t address what makes you feel like you do, why feelings make you behave as you do, its all for naught. I’m working thru my issues and I can see tangible results from my counseling sessions but I have a long way to go and as I told you before, you may not like the person I am before I am through. Being perfectly honest here, before this is over, I’m sure you’ll see more fluctuations. I seem to be having a lot of “instant replays or deja vu’” as I examine my behaviors and my feelings. I know that you dread those gut-wrenching Virginia Wolff encounters; they aren't exactly my favorite moments either, I believe that when we finish, we both feel better. Maybe I am misreading your responses, and if so, my apologies.
Although it is very hard for me to do, every day (sometimes many times a day) I acknowledge that I am powerless over your behavior and your choices, and turn this over to my Higher Power. At times, it is very hard for me to acknowledge this because I really do want to take that option from my Higher Power, but it really is best that I leave it with Him. The long conditioned co-dep me wants to obtain some emotional relief by being able to control what I'm scared of. I am scared about your recovery because, being honest and truthful with you at this time, I fear that you will slip and again find your reality and yourself controlled by the addiction. This is not an emotional knee jerk reaction, it is a very real, valid and genuine fear based on the nature of your addiction. In my efforts to learn about the addiction that you are struggling with, one recurring issue of major concern is the relapse, the slip that you must overcome. I’m educating myself (or trying to do so) about the nature of the demon that you are fighting, and I’m trying to be empathetic with all the emotions that you are dealing with. I know that in the past, I’ve allowed fear control many of my actions and behaviors. I am learning that it is ok to feel fear, but I will be dishonest and will cheat myself if I allow my emotion to make a decision rather than my rationale. All the emotional pain that I’ve experienced since “Revelation day”, was more than enough to convince me that I never again want to go through that kind of emotional gut wrenching. At this time, you expect me to trust you on blind faith, and it is a very difficult leap of faith indeed, to trust that you won’t again put me thru an emotional wringer as the consequence of a choice that you will make, one that I cannot control. I’m not saying that we won’t disagree, we will because that is part of a healthy relationship. I have a hole in my heart that will always be vulnerable to that particular choice in your life, and, if we do manage to walk the road together and we do build a new relationship with each other, with regard to your addiction, your choice will determine my choice, and my line is simple and clear in the sand of the road. If you ever again cause me to experience emotional pain and anguish because you have slipped and chosen to honor your addiction rather than reality with me, I will terminate my promise and commitment to you and to our relationship as man and wife. I hope to always be your friend, but I will not be your significant other and wife if you make that choice. No bluff, no threat, no games, bottom line truth.
The major consequence of your lies regarding the revelations is that I no longer just trust that you are being totally honest with me. In many ways, yes you are honest with me, that’s never been a real problem with us. Recently, I have discovered not to totally discount my intuition–I did that for so many years and I have suffered for not trusting myself and that “small quiet voice” inside which tells me that something is “off”, so yes, I’m pretty wary. Most of the time I can keep that little trust issue under control, but sometimes my intuition says to me, “reality check”, time to checkout the VBEES. I’m not your watchdog and don’t want to be, but I am learning to listen to my inner self, my intuition. Can’t help it, that’s the way I feel. You perceive that I am being paranoid, snooping and punishing you; in my reality, I am following my intuition. If you have nothing to hide, why would you become so angry after I confront you with a behavior or action? Rather than affirming your honesty with me, your reaction confirms my intuitive impression that you haven’t been totally honest with yourself or with me.
to be continued. . . .
|
|
|
Post by creole on Aug 11, 2005 9:48:05 GMT -5
Letter to H continued. . . .
Its a reality check time for me. Your choices have resulted in me facing my fears and in my reality, in the future it will be impossible for me to ever trust you with the same absolute blind faith certainty as I did prior to the “Revelation” day. Forgive you for destroying my total trust in you? Yes I will; not sure when it will be complete but I’m working on it and thru it. Forget what you did to destroy my trust? Never. I will be setting boundaries which address the consequences of future lies to me. . . .
I know that you are still frustrated and you have made no secret that you feel that I am “punishing” you and controlling you. One of the consequences of our past reactions to prior “blow ups” between us is the attitude (on both our parts) of just “get over it and get on”. Truth: in the past each of us has treated the other badly, disregarding the needs and the feelings of the other and we’ve both received that same treatment. Unfair? Absolutely. Good for us? Absolutely NOT! I wish to break that pattern and not dance to that tune! My choices, now and in the future, must be based not only on my emotions but also of the consequences of the choice. There was a time when it was important to the “co-dep me” that you be happy even if the choice made me unhappy. If I am to be honest with myself, and to respect myself, and to be honest to others, I simply can’t allow that kind of mental thinking to dictate my choices anymore. Not that your happiness isn’t important, it is, but if making you happy will be at my emotional expense it is not a good choice. The revelation was a 911 from God that I needed a big time reality check–of myself. The revelation hurt me more than you can imagine– and I’m having to actively address it, acknowledge it and work thru the feelings of betrayal, rejection and loss of my self-esteem. I understand that the addiction isn’t about me. . . .but it sure has affected me, and I’m having a hard time with real time/space conflict resolution–what the rational me knows is true with the way that my emotional inner child feels.
As for the resumption of a sexual relationship between us, don’t know what else to say except that I still have feelings and trust issues to work thru. From my perspective, our dead sexual relationship, over the last 12 years is a consequence of YOUR choice not be sexually intimate with me, and as much as I didn’t like it, I respected your decision. Classic co-dep behavior, ignore your own wants and needs to make someone else happy. I am addressing that major resentment and the feeling that are associated with that abandonment/rejection. There were times and opportunities for me to satisfy my own needs with an affair and cheat on you but did I do it? No. I want you to know this: during all the years that your job required that you be on the road (and by no means do I discount the importance of that responsibility to our family), I felt like you were having an affair; because even then, you began to withdraw a part of you from our relationship. Lets face it, it would have been easy for you to do. I now realize that my intuition was right, you were having an affair in your mind (with the addiction) which eventually became a more important focus in your life and in your choices than our relationship was. You changed your focus and it wasn’t about being sexually intimate with me. I am responsible and did contribute to our lack of intimacy, emotionally and sexually, but it isn’t totally my doing. Its difficult to be intimate with someone who won’t share and you were hesitant to really share–you’d say, “I’m depressed” or “I’m anxious”, etc. but wouldn’t go past a superficial explanation of why. How ironic–you told me repeatedly how much you wanted intimacy with me and I felt like I was so inadequate, I felt so guilty. Now, I know that you couldn't be intimate withme on any level because you were so caught up with yourself, your needs, your self-medication. Its hard to give what you don't get. . . .
Trying to find my way back from the sexual anorexia is hard. Human sexual needs and desires are very powerful, emotionally and physically, but neither of us is out of recovery. For the record, I was never a sexual prude. I ask you to remember that during the early years of our marriage, I was not a person who did not like sex. I have my sexual wants, need and desires, just like you do, and I was wrong to just keep my mouth shut and let the status quo continue without addressing them with you. I actually entertained the idea of going outside our marriage to obtain some sexual satisfaction, and it sounded really appealing (because I’d really like an affirmation of my own sexual identity), but it boils down to one of my core values--I simply cannot have sex just for the sake of having sex with you, or anyone else, because I’ve done that before and it is not emotionally satisfying for me. I choose not to indulge in that behavior because I don't want to fell like that again, with you or anyone else in my life No matter how difficult, I must do this for me. I believe that it is best that I not be sexually intimate with someone unless I feel secure that my partner is connected with ME in the here, now and present reality, totally 100% with ME, physically, and emotionally. I absolutely do not wish to be a “substitute” for fantasies and porn. In our past relationship I feel that there have been times when that is exactly what happened, and that is a feeling I choose to avoid in the future. Have I suffered because of this choice? Certainly, I am human, I have needs and wants and desires. . I enjoy having sex with the person I love, but I do not want to share or disrespect that part of our relationship. It hurts to know that you didn’t respect it as much as I did. You tell me what you need from me, what I need to do so that you can be sexually intimate with me, always conditions that will satisfy you. Serious discussions regarding boundaries for BOTH of us are in the future.
As for anger and resentments, are you addressing those that are in your heart? Your anger and resentments are as valid to you as mine are to me. Just curious, how many of your anger and resentments toward your mother and other family members that you’ve harbored inside have been projected onto me? I ask you to please remember, each of us has a reality, and yours is just a valid and right to you as mine is to me; I remind myself daily that your reality is different from mine and if we’re lucky, at some point in the future we might be able to have our respective realities coincide..
I do have a request: in the future, before you tell me that I haven‘t been intimate with you or that I am being selfish, that I’m being a hypocrite, or that I’m being dishonest, I suggest that you look long and hard into a mirror, and realize what you are saying to yourself and what you’ve told yourself for all those years that you chose to avoid dealing with emotional reality, the choices you made and the resulting consequences. I pray that you’re working on those issues yourself.
For me, the dance of 27 years is over, and a road lies ahead of me, just as it does for you. I have grieved for the relationship that died on “Revelation Day”. Although in many ways we are still the core individuals that we were in 1978, too much has happened; we are both different people now, and we both deserve so much more from ourselves and from each other. Regardless of whether we ultimately travel together or diverge, I can assure you of one thing–I now make a conscious decision each day to travel it as a positive and progressing person. I affirm my choice of living each day being honest to myself, feeling positive about myself as a person and my decisions, listening to my intuition and my “inner voice”, knowing that its ok to feel, whether happy, sad, angry, disappointed, appreciating and enjoying the beauty of a moment, believing that I am a beautiful child of God who is progressing, not regressing, who is positive, not negative and who is joyful rather than bitter. I wish no less than that for you too.
|
|
|
Post by creole on Aug 17, 2005 8:57:57 GMT -5
A few days away from the Board, a few days spent in introspection, self-evaluation and the tears that come from snatching the band-aid off the wounds, the demons of the past. They say that "you can't go home again", but you must go back. . .in order to find out what makes you tick, what triggers you, a trip down the memory lane of your past is a requirement.
I love the Robert Burney site. . .it has helped me so much in my struggle for self. As a result of working thru my emotions, feeling and then searching for the "what or why" of the feeling, I realized and admitted to myself that I had been sexually abused. I remembered all the details, the SOB who did it to me and how angry and violated I felt. I was twelve. . .I couldn't tell my parents (who had given me no sex education whatsoever at that time, and who really never did educate me); since I really wasn't sure exactly what had happened to me I had no words to describe the incident and I had no way to express the anger and the horror of what had happened, so the whole incident was just buried. . .until this weekend. I shared what had happened to me with my H and he was floored. He asked me if I was sure that it happened, and I assured him that it did happen. . .and I told him how this particular abuse had always affected my sexual behavior with him, had always been one of the things that had caused me to be very uncomfortable even though I tried to not let it show. Don't know if he really understands; I'm just trying to come to grips with it myself.
Also, another computer incident, which, in retrospect, was a positive, although neither of us thought so at the time. H worked at home one day last week; I've stopped checking the browser history on a daily basis simply because I am on the computer most of the time that we are both home and I don't feel he has been visiting the P sites. Anyway, since he was at home working all by himself, that evening I checked the browser (for the first time in a month) and discovered a site in the brower that was a no-no. Not exactly a P site, but one which had the typical scanty bikini chick with huge boobs enticing a surfer to purchase. . . . .. I called H into the computer room and showed him the site and asked him to explain. He lost it, vowed that he hadn't visited the site, didn't know how that got into the browser history, etc. I remained calm and let him go on and then told him that I'd really like to believe him but I couldn't see how the brower would lie. . . .we then proceeded to discuss the computer use. . .he even turned on his office laptop and let me go thru it. . .nothing on it. He told me that I could go to his office and check the brower history on his office computer as well. He finised by saying that when he was home, he just wouldn't use the computer. . .that I could take the modem with me if I went out of town, etc. I told him that I would have to consider all of the above. The next morning he asked one of the tech support guys at this office if this sort of incident could happen and they researched. Anyway, on Saturday I planned to bake a cake and spent about an hour on the web, surfing for recipes. On Sunday am, on a whim, I decided to check the browser history again! The same dammed site was back and I know that I never saw it when I was searching on Saturday. I brought H into the computer room and showed him what had happened and told him that I now believed that he didn't actually go there. Popups are a PITA. . . .I haven't outlawed the computer and the net for H, but he has been quite leary of the computer since that happened last week.
H's recovery is very encouraging to me. His communication with me is improving daily, and I can see a difference in his outlook and attitude. He is still struggling with his anxiety but he doesn't seem to have the extreme depressions that plagued him in the past. Guess the depression was an after effect of the MB; only he knows for sure.
We also tried to reconnect sexually. . .it was chaotic at best. After a prolonged abstinence (over 15 months, prior to R. day and then for the last 90 days since discovery), both of us are beginning to feel the need to try to reconnect. I had shared with H my boundary: eyes open, lights on, focus on me, stop if I become uncomfortable but it was just too much for him to assimilate. The lights on and the focus on me wasn't the hard part. . .keeping his eyes open just couldn't happen, so I asked him to stop which just pissed him off. H insists that I must give up that particular boundary. . .I am equally determined that I will not be a substitute. I told him that we would need to discuss further, and that we'd both benefit if we could try to work thu this with patience and no expectations.
The subsequent cuddling has been nice. . .
|
|
|
Post by creole on Aug 18, 2005 8:56:21 GMT -5
Well, H wants to begin writing again. . .his short stories that is. He has always had the gift of words and is a good writer. He is creative--quite an accomplished musician who plays multiple instruments, and he even has his own recording "studio" to capture his musical endeavors. Years ago, he wrote 8-10 short stories, all of which I read; they were pretty good. He mentioned to me that he'd like to begin writing the short stories again. Trigger/red flag for me since one aspect of his addiction centered around writing explicit and lengthy fantasy sexual encounters with both men and women and using them to enhance his MB. I didn't quite know what to say. . . .
In many ways, quitting the cigs is difficult, but in others its no big deal. I smoke too much when I'm talking on the phone, and when I'm driving. I really only want one after I eat a meal--I can even forego the cig with my glass of wine. I've gone from a pack a day to 4 cigarettes. . . planning to give it a shot at permanent abstinence on Sunday (the moon phase is right). Will see what happens then. . . .in the meantime, I've been chewing lots of gum, eating sugar free mints, drinking lots of water and keeping my mind busy and occupied.
I found JN's question about the gay porn and the responses very revealing. I have a concern @ H because several of the essays centered around him being seduced by another man and their subsequent sexual encounter. H insists that he is not gay, that he has never had sex with a man, but I just don't know if he is being honest with himself about his sexuality. Until he is honest with himself, he can't be honest with me.
H's ED is really bothering him. . .I know he wants to resume the sexual intimacy with me because in his mind, it will indicate that I have forgiven him plus I'm sure he's feeling the need for sexual release since he hasn't MB in over 90 days (at least to my knowledge he hasn't MB). I told him no expectations on my part except that he keep his eyes open and his focus on me. . .guess its too much. I will be patient, but I ain't gonna live the rest of my life in celibacy. H told me that he "needs" me to seduce him. . . .I resonded that that scenario was too much like his fantasy essays for my comfort level, that I certainly wasn't gonna willingly play into his modus operendi and be a substitute. I asked him to seduce me. . .H replied that he really wasn't sure he could do that. Go figure. Perhaps this impass that we have encoutnered is a positive. . .delaying the resumption of sexual intimacy gives both of us more time to sort thru more issues which will ultimately affect our marriage and our sexual relationship.
Today I am thankful for. . . .
My family, another sunrise, my employment and my blessings. I have asked for courage and strength to help me kick the nicotine habit. . . .
|
|
|
Post by creole on Aug 19, 2005 11:52:11 GMT -5
Another Friday. . . .countdown to the weekend, 48 hours of release from the 9-5 schedule; 48 hours of potential . . . .
H was really introverted yesterday and last night and even this am which made me think that perhaps he had slipped and was hesitant to tell me since he knows that is a bottom line deal breaker; while we were on the daily morning dog patrol at 5:30 am, I told him that I sensed he was unhappy about something and asked him if he wanted to share what he was feeling. Silence. Oh, another 1/4 mile of the walk, I asked him if it was work related. He simply said yes. I thought he'd go ahead and talk about it, but nothing. Finished patrol, returned home and while having coffee, he apologized for not talking then told me what was bothering him. I'm trying to be patient as he learns to deal with his emotional baggage, and actually mature. but sometimes its very hard to restrain myself from running thru the house screaming. Its hard to live with a 51 year old teenager in the house, and he's my husband, my partner. . . .no wonder I'm somewhat crazy. He will talk up a storm about stuff that is superficial, but when it really affects him, man oh man, his emotional constipation kicks into overdrive. As he was talking to me he said that he had just realized that I might consider his silent withdrawal as evidence of a slip which he knows is an unacceptable choice. As he was saying that to me, I could see his face and eyes change, it was like he had an epiphany, and when that happened, he was very open with what was happening and how he felt. He again asked me to "just trust" him; I told him that I was working on that but I couldn't give him 100% trust now and might not ever be able to trust him to the extent that I had previously trust him, and that he could either accept this or not.
Still only 4 cigs a day; the weekend will be difficult. I like to smoke when I'm bored or talking on the phone so I must do something to counter the physchological need for a cigarette. The D-day for me is Sunday. . . .
Weekend goals:
Follow thru with my plan to put the cigarettes down for good.
Continue self-work, exploring my emotional history, my personal triggers. Perhaps purchase a new self help book; Lookingup has a great list of references.
Clean house--with help, accomplish some major overdue cleaning chores, ie, ceiling fans, cabinets, shaking the dust from the curtains, window washing.
Make another fabulous batch of marinara utilizing fresh tomatoes, mushrooms, herbs, etc.; the tomatoes will be gone soon, so gotta make it while I can.
Reinforce family connections by calling my Mom & Dad, sister & brothers and children.
Continue to build communication with H while avoiding a Virginia Wolff confrontation.
Treat myself to a simple indulgence--perhaps a nice soak while sipping champagne from the Waterford flutes. . . .
|
|
|
Post by creole on Aug 22, 2005 9:20:22 GMT -5
No Virginia Wolff moments this weekend, yet I feel much worse than if one had happened. . . .
H & I had sex this weekend for the first time in over 14 months. . .as a result of that decision, the last 48 hours have found me struggling with my feelings about me violating my own boundary and my dishonesty with myself.
First off, I must clarify that H & I are on two different physical and sexual timetables/clocks--he is a wake up lets get it on person while I prefer to have sex in the evenings, when I am really awake; he wakes up ready to go, and I wake up and ask only that we don't have serious conversations or aggrivation before a least two cups of coffee. H comes home from work, has a drink and is asleep before 9:00 pm; I come home from work, have a couple of glasses of wine and am up till 10:00-11:00 either watching a movie, reading a book, or sometimes talking on the phone with friends. During the prior years of our marriage, when H started experiencing ED issues, we'd only had sex when he wanted, on his terms and I went along with it because I knew he was struggling but after years of only being sexually intimate during the pre-dawn hours, when it was literally "wham bam" without the thank you, I said no more. I realize now that when I set a boundary of no 6:00 am wake up sex, that action actually pushed him further into the addictive state. H & I had talked and he promised me that he would make more of an effort to be "available" to be sexually intimate with me after I was awake and during the evening hours and that I'd try to work around my boundary regarding am sex with him. Well, I relaxed my am boundary and the sex (for me) was good but I get the gut feeling that I was just a substitute for him as he didn't turn on the lights and I couldn't always see his eyes. He assured me that he planned to make time for another reconnection that evening but instead he self-medicated with the alcohol and passed out in the chair. Without the sex, Sunday is a repeat scenario which left me disappointed and frusterated to say the least. I didn't think that it was appropriate to discuss with him on Sunday as I had hoped he would follow thru with what he had stated, but after the same song and dance again, I spent time working on exactly how I planned to let him know how I felt.
Anyway, on the morning patrol, H asked what was up with me and I told him that I was dealing with my feelings about violating my own boundary and how disappointed I was when he self-medicated with his alcohol so that he wouldn't have to deal with the anxiety of trying to be sexually intimate with me. I told him that I didn't understand how he could be so eager to be sexually intimate with me at 6:00 am but then have to self-medicate with alcohol to deal with the anxiety of being intimate with me later in the evening, and that I was tired of excuses from him and that behaviour from him was no longer acceptable. H got really angry, and told me that I was to dammed controlling. . .I detached and asked him to consider the fact that he had controlled our sex lives for the last 20 years, that he was still controlling it, that I had been unhappy before, he knew why I was unhappy and that the final straw is that I ain't gonna feel like that again, for him or any man. . .
Will just have to see how this works out. . .or doesn't work as the case may be.
H told me that he is disapponted in me. What have I done, or conversely, failed to do?. I asked him to tell me so that I can recognize and acknowledge it and move forward but so far, nothing. I also told him that if he keeps this disappointment bottled up inside, it would not be productive or healthy for him, that it would just become a big negative factor.
|
|