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Post by creole on Nov 8, 2005 8:18:53 GMT -5
All right Creole. My current unhappiness regarding the continued violation of my boundary regarding his choice to still smoke pot. I'm not gonna comment on the alcohol; we both need to drink less, and I've even stopped drinking during the week, but he sure hasn't. In fact, he's "sober" from the SA, but my gosh, he's still using the alcohol & pot crutches to avoid dealing with his feelings, especially his feelings about being sexually intimate with me. What a disturbing and unhappy evening. H came home and proceeded to indulge in the joint; I looked at him and told him "when you smoke the pot, it makes me feel. . ." and that's a far as I got as he proceeded to turn his back and walk out the door. Anger checkpoint and I waited until he came back into the house and made himself comfortable. I then finished what I was trying to tell him, ". . . .it makes me feel rejected, that you are chosing to avoid me and you are chosing toalter your emotions with the pot". I also told him how angry I was that he had turned his back on me and just walked away. H told me that my behavior was very destructive to his recovery and that it was difficult for him to be loving to me when I "jump his (expletive)" and call him bad, selfish, etc. I detached and told him that I hadn't said any of those things about him, that those were HIS words not mine. He asked me what I expected of him--I told him that I was very frustrated with our relationship, that I didn't feel like a wife, that I felt like a roommate. I told him that he was supposed to be my life partner, my best friend, and that I would like to see him validate my feelings. He couldn't do it. He told me that he needs me to be more empathetic and patient with him. I asked him how dammed long I was expected to continue to be patient? I told him that I'd been empathetic with his struggle, and I acknowledged that he's made a lot of progress in the last six months, but I am very frustrated. He told me that I don't fight fair--hell, he's the one bringing up (expletive) from the past, trying to project his own self-images and feelings to me. He even said that I needed to "back off and give the dogs some peace". Hell, he's more concerned about the dogs than me. Verra sad and most disheartening.
I am so fed up with the whole relationship now. I slept on the sofa last night (with all 3 dogs I might add). Limited conversation this am. I am still angry that he didn't validate my feelings, that he is still trying to project and deflect. Guess he's not as far along in his recovery as I thought he was.
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Post by creole on Dec 5, 2005 10:06:17 GMT -5
Been awhile. . . .I read every day, but haven't posted. Been workin on me. One of my old friends called over the weekend and asked "how ya doing?". Told him that I was OK, that I was "maintaining". Sometimes maintaining is harder than it looks.
Let me see what I can share:
No major throw-down confrontations. . .after the one described above, H told me that he equates anger with being unloved. I told H that just because I get angry that doesn't mean that I don't love him. I told him that sometimes, short of slappin him up side his head with a catfish, he still doesn't listen, he just "tunes me out" . All that money spent on counseling and what do we have? In many respects, H is STILL stuck in the same place, dancin to the same tune. He is still afraid to feel emotions, any emotions. . . .He is also really fond of telling me "you just want to control me". I remind him & say, "No Hon, I can't control you, but I can tell you what the consequence of your choices will be". He actually accused me of returning to my co-dep behavior. I told him that I still struggled with it, but I'm more aware of my actions/choices & behaviors and that I actively work to not go back there.
On the weekend before Thanksgiving, H & I packed up the truck and took the 3 dogs to a Bed & Breakfast about 4 hours from home. We took hikes in the National Wildlife refuges and natural areas, and had a pretty good time, but I could see the beginning of a depression. Then Thanksgiving day with my large extended family. I am grateful that he attended, but was miffed when he didn't ride with me, but chose to ride with our youngest daughter.
H was sick with the stomach virus/bug last weekend, leaving him physically weak and unable to work last week. I took care of him, made sure he ate and drank, rested, etc. Sooo, what happens to show how he appreciates me? H ends up in a really pissy mood on Saturday and he proceeded to chew me out for something that wasn't an issue until he made it into one. I finally asked him to "timeout" and told him I didn't want to talk with him or see him until he could be civil to me. H spent a lovely evening on the sofa. On Sunday he explained that he was in one of his depressions, not because he had slipped or done anything detrimental to his sobriety, but from physical and mental inactivity due to being sick. I told him that I appreciated him sharing that with me, but that he was wrong to chew me out and not apologize for it. Damm, still waiting on the apology. . .and I ain't holding my breath either.
Since my last post, I have received a wonderful career opportunity--to move into a position which brings a significant annual salary increase with the same benefits but which will also require me to go on the road, as in 10 days a month travel. Although H told me he would support me if I decided to take the new job, he really is pretty unhappy about it. I told him that I had to look out for me--his addiction was HIS addiction, that he was going to have to deal with this the rest of his life, and I couldn't babysit him emotionally and physically while my life just stagnated. I feel pretty certain about obtaining the job. . . and I'm pretty excited.
Oh, I was able to see my grandson over the Thanksgiving holiday. Of course, that meant that I had to deal with my oldest daughter since she can't see her son unless I am there (her ex-H mandates that and it is for good reason). Another example of detachment with love--she is my oldest daughter, and I love her, but when she gets caught up in the addictive cycle with the crack cocaine and the lies, hot checks, thefts, etc., the person that talks to me is not my daughter. Anyway, always a difficult situation at best when she comes but we managed. First time I'd seen her since the signed the surrender papers for the twins to be adopted by my sister and brother-in-law. Won't hear from her until about a week before Christmas. . .that's right, use Mamma to get what you want (see child/children) and then forget all until its time to see them again.
Saw where Jake had posted. . . .damm, I miss Jake's posts. They were good. So many newbies on the Board. . . .also been saying my prayers for Joyful & for LookingUp.
Someone asked
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Post by creole on Dec 5, 2005 12:00:16 GMT -5
I put this on the "Love and Disengaging" thread on the General forum - then adapted it slightly. I wanted to post it separately because I thought it had some good stuff on overcoming co-dependency and others might not see it stuffed somewhere in that other thread. I found this list of steps for disengaging on a step-parent site and adapted it to my situation: - My husband is not my child; he's God's child.
- I am not responsible for overcoming his addiction.
- I am not responsible for what kind of person he is.
- I am not responsible for what kind of person he becomes.
- I am not obligated to become an abused member of the household just because I married him.
- I am not responsible for my husband's recovery or lack thereof.
- All the recovery responsibility belongs to my husband.
- My husband is not me.
- My husband is not going to have a recovery that looks the way my recovery will look.
- My marriage is not going to turn out the way it would if I was in charge of his recovery.
- What all this means is this: I must not monitor my husband concerning his addiction. I must not tell him what is expected of him to recover. I must not parent him. I must turn over all responsibility for the addiction to my husband and God. I must allow my husband to make whatever mistakes he makes. If he chooses to embrace his addiction, there is always the legal separation option - I can't control his choices, but I can control me and my responses.
- My ONLY responsibilities are to (1) be a godly wife, (2) follow the leadings of the God, and (3) be open to see when he's showing trustworthiness.
LookingUp I love this post from LookingUp; she really is an inspiration to me.
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Post by creole on Dec 19, 2005 17:22:51 GMT -5
Search for it.. it's there somewhere. In every struggle there is a blessing of some sort. Instead of focusing on where we are wronged.. focus instead on where we can go right.-CF Another great thought. . . I can hardly believe that Christmas is upon us again. This year feels different--no more pretending, no more co-dep BS from H. For the first time in about 27 years, I don't have to listen to H BW&M about how much I spend for Christmas presents. I'm frugal. . .I can stretch dollar as well as anyone. Its just another of his childhood phobicles rearing its head. . . His mother phoned me last week to discuss his behavior; she is concerned about his depression and what appears to her to be anti-social behavior. She asked me how I dealt with him--I told her that I didn't put up with any more excuses, that I did what I wanted and I didn't need him to approve or disapprove, and I wasn't waiting around for him while I lived my life. Poor dear, she is really in a quandry. I wanted to tell her exactly how FU'd up he was, but I felt it might really be detrimental to her health. She does have serious health issues. . .she might not be with us much longer as it is, so don't want to do anything to rock that boat. She told me one time, that if she had to be stranded anywhere with anyone, she'd pick me; she said that I was smart and resourceful, and that she'd take me. I asked her about H--she smiled and said that she would pick me. . . . H is home this week, all alone with his computer (plus his laptop); I feel certain that he has not used the home computer to voyage to pornoland, but can't say the same for his laptop. I can't access it either. To dammed bad. What the hell Creole, full steam ahead, just confront the elephant in the room. Back to Christmas. . . .my friends and family will again enjoy my labor of love from my kitchen. Home made breads, candies, jellies and cheese straws. I have purchased gifts for my immediate family only, and have purchased gifts for H, but I'm saving my dollars--in 5 years I will have my own place in the country, with my horses, my dogs and a garden. May or may not be with him. He doesn't believe me. . . . its hard to feel "warm and fuzzy" toward him. Well, this Santa has noticed that a Grinch is living at our house. . . . I am looking forward to 2006. . .potentially, the best year of my life. For the first time in my memory, I really do believe that it may be just that. Despite the heartbreak, anger, betrayal, and lies, in many respects, 2005 has been a good year. I have: Faced my co-dependent behavior, addressed the core-issues and began working thru them; Took steps to insure my physical, financial and emotional well being; Learned that feeling emotions is not the same as expressing feelings; Found this support Board where I discovered that I truly am not the only SO struggling with a SA H. I am counting my blessings. . . .and looking forward to my opportunities! The Winter Solstice is approaching. . . .for me, its always been a time of beauty and great magic. Perhaps the greatest magic for the 2005 solstice will be inner peace with myself. With a bit of luck, I will keep it always.
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Post by frank24 on Dec 19, 2005 21:47:08 GMT -5
Hi Creole,
I am amazed at the strength you show to keep yourself together. It must be painful to see your H not wanting to recover from his addictions. My toughts are with you. I am glad to see that you are taking charge of your own life. In the end, it's the only one you can control.
I sent you a PM as well. I hope you read it.
Frank
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Post by creole on Dec 20, 2005 10:22:44 GMT -5
Thanks so much for the encouraging words Frank. I responded to your PM.
Yes, I realize my choices for my life are the only ones I can control. I pray every day that the choices I made are good and positive ones. Most of the time, its easy; only when the "going gets tough" do I have to back my ears and stand my ground. Over the last six months, that has become easier--the more I do it, the easier it becomes. Thanks for helping me realize that--hadn't really thought of my personal growth in those terms, but I really have made that change.
I have also learned to detach--that was (and at times still is) difficult and challanging for me. I've also learned to live in today, just today--yesterday is gone and done and who knows if we will have tomorrow? I must be honest and true to myself, here and now. . . .
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Post by creole on Dec 21, 2005 10:49:33 GMT -5
Earlier in the week, I responded to Heather on the Partner's thread; part of my reponse included : The most honest statement that H has made to me since Revelation Day was that when I get angry, and I express my emotions, that he is scared of me. He is emotionally about 12-13 years old and I believe that he's put me in the "Mother" role in his life; his favorite line right now is "you're just trying to control me". Malarkey. When he choses to put me in the "Mother figure" role, its safer and easier for him to avoid sexual intimacy with me. I'm stronger and better off right now with my choice of abstinence but he is frustrated--he's gonna have to figure this one out himself. . Yes, he has issues with his mother which he is not making any effort to address or to resolve. Its very dificult to go back to the deep dark childhood and find out what makes you the way you are. Its very disappointing--and he told me, "I think you really need to go back to see B, you need to go get more individual counseling". He has watched me change, he has seen how I've improved, but he thinks I need more counseling. I probably do, heck, who doesn't need counseling? Anyway, after I diffused my initial flash of anger, I detached and asked him to go into the bathroom with me, I asked him to look in the mirror, and I asked him to repeat what he said to me. He looked so puzzled, then he got majorly pissed at me. I told him that I felt pretty good about my issues, but that he had only addressed the SA issues with the counselor, and he needed to do further work on himself to find out why he is still avoiding the emotions and feelings, why he still has to self-medicate with the pot, the alcohol. I know, I know, Rome wasn't built in a day, but it is so very disheartening. Merry Christmas Creole. . . . One last bit of advice, for what its worth: You can love someone so much, so deeply, that you would totally and completely abandon yourself, and would fight the Devil six ways in Hell on Sunday for them, but sometimes you can't live with them. Doesn't mean you don't love them--it means that it might not be the best thing for you. Its the hardest lesson that I ever learned about love. I remind myself of this every day. . Yeah, this is a hard lesson to accept. I still love the man who taught me that lesson, my first love; we have remained friends and probably always will be friends, and he knows how I feel about him. H knows about him and knows how I feel; is H threatened? I don't think so, as he is not even in the US (he works around the world), but if he were threatened, it would be his issue. I've done nothing to violate the promises I made to H when we weremarried. Each day, I consider terminating the relationship. Marrige is a partnership based on love, trust and mutual respect. Heck right now I don't even feel like I have 2 outta 3. I have tried to be just, equitable and fair in my efforts to give H the opportunity to change. In some respects he has but in others, he is still in the Twilight Zone of emotional hell, and he is the only one who can chart the course of his self-redemption. I feel that H would never terminate our relationship, but he knows that I have no qualms about doing just that, and he is uncomfortable with that idea. I feel sooo much better about my own financial situation than I did 7 months ago. Another plus from Revelation Day. . .I now manage my money and don't just hand it over to him like a good little co-dep wifey. . . . Love him? Always. . .he has many great qualities--intelligent, well educated, articulate. Have a relationship with H? On a friendship level, always. Can't say that I can maintain an emotional or sexual relationship with him; those are struggling now. I sure hope the Carnes book I ordered comes in so he can read it. Maybe that is too much to hope for right now.. . . Stay married to him? "To be or not to be. That is the question". Damm. You can't make him recover, but you can sure do whatever you need to take care of yourself. Feel what you feel, don't hide it or pretend, especially to him. I know I've had my fill of pretending that everything is ok for so long. . . .I could win an Academy Award for some of my performances for family. . . In keeping with my own advice, last night I told H that I really wasn't filled with joy and happiness this Christmas. He couldn't understand why I was not just thrilled at the thought of Christmas. I am crying now, first time I've done that in a while. The reality of our relationship, so much sadness Its his recovery Creole, its his choice. Take care of yourself Hon, nobody else is gonna do it for you. Let the chips fall. . . CF wrote that ". . .in every struggle is a blessing. . ." What or where is the blessing in this struggle with my H's addiction? I'm trying to keep my eyes open, because I know it will be revealed.
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Post by creole on Dec 27, 2005 11:55:10 GMT -5
Christmas with Creole. . . a perspective:
As in years past, Christmas and the holidays send me on an emotional roller-coaster. Happiness for all the blessings I've received and the opportunity to share a special day with my family. Anger for the way my crack addicted daughter acts like a world class a$$ to everyone, including me, but who insists on being with the family as the only time she can see her son is when he is at our home. Sadness because my Daddy was so sick from the radiation treatments that he couldn't be with us. Daddy and I both cried, he was just too weak to make the drive to our house. If the radiation doesn't control the tumor, this might very well be his last Christmas with us in this time world.
H was a patootie to his mother. . .wouldn't go over to her house to take gifts and be with her or his sister and her family. H is very reclusive still. . . .I guess he's struggling with emotional baggage from his childhood and is just not able to face his mom right now. Another of his struggles.
****Possible triggers******
Read in LU's journal this am, and her H sounds like mine. . .my H insists that we have have sex on his terms, the way he likes it, me dress up, I seduce him, only have sex in the dark, preferably before the sun comes up so we can take advantage of the early morning. Damm, what happened to having sex the way I like it? Oh no, that means that I have expectations, and that creates his performance anxiety. Sounds like just more dammed SA bullcrap. Yeah, he can get a semi-hard on in the morning shower, but if its to be with me, no luck. Yes, my frustration level is quite high and tolerance is about gone. He sure does have his expectations, and he's very disappointed because I cannot and will not fulfull them. What he wants is just too much like the fantasies he was so fond of creating. Like LU, I am not happy about the state of my sexless marriage and I do not wish to violate my own beliefs and ethics.
Where is that Carnes book I ordered 2 weeks ago? I am really impatient. . . .
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Post by creole on Dec 28, 2005 18:04:23 GMT -5
LU had some good questions today about co-dep love and non co-dep love. LU always asks good questions and I think that this one deserves a further examination. From my perspective, what does non-codependent love feel like?
I don't think I will make any sort of attempt to be logical as I think its better that my rambling thoughts just tumble out.
*****Potential triggers****
What did it feel like to love my H 28 years ago when we first met and married? For the first year or 18 months, it was a heady, intoxicating emotion. In the beginning of our relationship, we did connect, at least we did sexuallyl I remember the red flags though. . .hindsight now. I had a child before I was married, and today that isn't a big deal, but man oh mah, when it happened to me it was a really difficult emotional trauma. I got pregnant on the last time I ever went out with the guy, I had been trying to break off our relationship. Although I was abandoned by the child's father, I was financially supported by my parents in a community that pointed fingers, whispered and dished out self-righeous shun. Ahh the anger and the guilt. I did not let the birth of my child deter me--I worked full time to support me and my daughter and continued my education by taking part time classes at a local university. I met a wonderful man, we fell in love and were engaged and his mother unexpectedly died. His world fell apart and I was a casualty of his emotional devestation. Picked up the pieces, went back to school and then met H. He was handsome, intelligent, articulate, quiet and shy, a musician! We had many common interests (and still do) and we dated for over a year. Before we married, I told him about my prior relationships, my heartbreaks, he KNEW! He would't share any of his prior history, so I dismissed it as past band activities. The non-disclosure should've been a flag for me, but when you're wearing those rose colored glasses, oh well! At this time, the green-eyed monster ruled my intuition--H and co-workers usually had a party at the store where they worked each Saturday pm. . .one year, for the annual clearance "sale", they had the previous year's Playboy bunny come in for photo shoots. Aother red flag--my H's photo of the bunny sitting on his lap was one of his prized possessions. Boy did he EVER get pissed when I was cleaning out and threw it in the trash, and that happened after our daughter was born. Another flag--his extensive collection of Playboy, Penthouse, etc. Now, I enjoyed reading the Playboy & Penthouses, but they were NEVER a substitute for good sex. I now realize that it was his stash. Boy what a fool I was. I felt like the most important thing in my life was to be wanted, to be needed and he wanted and needed me. He made me feel like I was the most important thing in his life. H's happiness was the most important thing to me. I realize now that he was laying the groundwork, establishing and reinforce my co-dependent behaviors.
Years 2-3: It was during this time that I realized that H would suffer from bouts of periodic depression, and that he had difficulty expressing anger. He just clammed up, pouted, refused to communicate or he exploded. 2 years after we married, I graduated from the university. We both agreed to have a child, so my second child was born. What did love feel like? It felt like breaking in a new saddle--its goota have a little use to really work like it outta. I still felt appreciated and loved, and was so anxious to avoid causing H any sort of negative emotions and would do anything I could to try to alleviate the depressions. Just thought that it was a matter of time before I found the way to really make this work. I was an excelent co-dep wife, too afraid to do anything that would anger him even if it was good for me.
Years,4-10: A year after the birth of my second child, I took a job at a local school teaching junior high reading and social studies and within a year, H took a position with a new company which required that he travel out of town. I "rose to the occasion" , worked and took care of house and children while he spent 3 weeks out of 4 on the road somewhere. I was terified that he would be killed, leaving me with the children, mortgage, etc. H was always angry, nothing was good enough. Sexual intimacy consisted of "good-bye, I'm off again sex", usually in the early morning hours before we had to leave for the airport so he could catch a flight. H would phone from the road, but would't talk because it cost too much. . .and when he was home, he was so tired that communication was limited to conversations about food or money. The fact that I worked and managed the house (and I swear that every week something had to be fixed--vehicle, plumbing, washing machine, etc) wasn't important to him. It was during this time that I discovered his first essay composed appropriately on our first computer. Isn't it ironic. . . Anyway, I guess that co-dep love at this time felt like a trap, was very depressing. Nothing that I did was right, or worked. Sex became a chore, communication was nil, and I lived with a man who was angry and depressed because I didn't think that I could provide for my children or for me.
More later. . . .but at this time, I'd say that I don't want to go back to the co-dep love relationship. I prefer to have a REALATIONSHIP. . .
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Post by LookingUp on Dec 28, 2005 19:57:56 GMT -5
creole,
I'm looking forward to the sequal. Your story sounds so familiar with ex2 - even his going away and then not talking when he called because of the "expense" but he didn't think anything of spending a couple hundred dollars in Reno at the Mustang Ranches - "just having a few drinks - they're expensive there." Even cashed in his life insurance without telling me - or telling me what he spent it on. I always "rose to the occasion" of whatever he needed - if that was making a dog house, replacing broken window panes, washing his truck and especially going without so he could have. I had a closet of second hand clothes while he had several suits and silk shirts - new from the best men's wear botique... and except for his weekend national guard - he held a job that paid less then minimum wage - so definitely didn't wear a suit and tie to work.
I want a relationship, too - maybe that's the word I was looking for rather than love. Thanks for journaling on the topic, it's really appreciated.
LookingUp
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Post by creole on Dec 29, 2005 11:15:28 GMT -5
Before I continue the sequal, I want to make sure that the link to this website is in my journal. Perhaps, one who reads my journal will find the meditations useful . . . open-mind.org/Daily/Reading/221.htmI really liked this one from "The Language of Letting Go": OWNING OUR POWER: We need to make a distinction between powerlessness & owning our power. The first step in recovery is accepting powerlessness. There are some things we can’t do, no matter how long or hard we try. These things include changing other people, solving their problems & controlling their behavior. Sometimes, we feel powerless over ourselves – what we feel or believe, or the effects of a particular situation or person on us. It’s important to surrender to powerlessness, but it’s equally important to own our power. We aren’t trapped. We aren’t helpless. Sometimes it may feel like we are, but we aren’t. We each have the God-given power, & the right, to take care of ourselves in any circumstance & with any person. The middle ground of self-care lies between the two extremes of controlling others & allowing them to control us. We can walk that ground gently or assertively, but in confidence that it is our right & responsibility. Let the power come to walk that path. Today, I will remember that I can take care of myself. I have choices & I can exercise the options I choose without guilt. Enough of my meditations. . .back to Part II of my discourse on co-dependent love relationships. May I say that when we met, married and until my second child was born, H and I did smoke pot. It was not a big deal at that time, readily available. H was really dependent on it. What the heck, being a musician in a rock n roll band, that was a given. . . As I wrote above, years 4-10 were difficult. . .my H was on the road leaving me with the girls. I felt like the hampster on the wheel, no matter how fast and hard I ran, it was never enough. I juggling my job, their school and activities, managed the house, paid bills, etc. and waited anxiously for my H to arrive on Friday night so that I could spend 48 hours with a tired, uncommunicative grump who was unhappy about everything--from the dissaray or cleanliness of the house, the meals I cooked (did I mention that I am quite an accomplished chef--growing up in the country in LA kinda makes you that way), the amout of money I spent for everything--groceries, utilities, etc. It was bout this time that the first hints of H's ED began to surface. . .but, like the good co-dep wife I was, I took the ED failure very personally. A vicous cycle began. We only had sex in early morning when he woke up with an erection, but it best desribed as "wham bam thank you ma'am", very unfulfilling to me. It got to the point where I dreaded the morning, but would comply because I thought it would keep his depression at bay. Red flag--loss of real sexual intimacy and total subrogation of my needs and feelings to insure his happiness. Also, during this time, our marijuana consumption ended--it was simply costly so H escalated his alcohol consumption to compensate for the loss of that medication. At this time, H's jealousy of my friends and my hobbies and interests surfaced big time. I guess that's about the time that his pedestal began to crack as I began my attempts to keep my inner Creole alive. From my friends and hobbies, I received the validation of my efforts that I never received from him, but more importantly, I received emotional intimacy from them. They knew I struggled, they had been on the receiving end of his anger and they could see how his lack of communication and depession really affected me. No, this was not love, it was closer to living hell. Years 10-15: This time was simply a continuation of the living hell but several events caused an intensification and escalation of our shattered emotional and physical intimicies. I had begged my H to let me get my tubes tied as I certainly wasn't gonna bring another child into the mess we were living in, but H said that it just cost to much and we couldn't afford it. Anyway, my doctor took me off birth control pills, and I tried to discuss with H the need for him to wear a condom, to be actively involved in birth control. All I got from him was, "I ain't doing that, its like taking a shower with a raincoat on". End of discussion, that was my responsibility. Despite my birth control measures, I became pregnant again and was losing the baby. Doctor advised me to have an abortion because of the fact that I was gonna lose the baby due to not enough hormone production. H was devestated with my pregnancy, and he was not ready to be a father again. I did have the abortion but H wasn't with me when it was done as he was "on the road". Emotionally it was another rejection, felt like a replay of years before. To say I was a wreck was an understatement. H refused to discuss how he felt about what had happened. Thus began my H's forced sexual anorexia--wouldn't have sex with me because he was too afraid that I'd become pregnant again. I walked around with my pain and my frustration and H did the same. We were two time bombs, each ticking away with no set detonation time. I never once guessed that H was self-medicating with masturbation and sexual fantasies. I could see him medicating with the alcohol--we both did, but no marijuana. During this time, when H and I did argue, it was like two tom cats in a toe sack. We both repressed our emotions, and when the time bomb detonated, it was not pretty. I thought I still loved him--I was still deep in the co-dep philisophy that I can't do anything without him, that I needed him to survive, that I couldn't make it by myself. We both agreed to go to counseling, and we invested the time and the $$ in an effort to salvage our relationship. Both of us just scratched the surface of getting in touch with our emotions and expressing ourselves in appropriate ways. To be continued. . . .
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Post by Bill Swan on Dec 29, 2005 14:47:10 GMT -5
I'm learning a lot from your journal. I started reading it yesterday. Your descriptions of co-dep mirror a lot of how I act and feel. I'd like to understand more of exactly what co-dependancy is.
I'm sad you have all this pain in your life. You sound as if you're making progress though. I like the link about powerlessness. This is something I subscribe to very heavily but don't see discussed much on this board.
Personally it sounds as if your H would benefit from AA but I know that's not a light decision.
All my best to you,
Bill
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Post by creole on Dec 29, 2005 17:51:18 GMT -5
Hi Bill and many thanks for your post. One book that I can recommend is "The Disease To Please". It describes co-dependency and its a good read. I guess my favorite co-dep site is the Robert Burney site at: www.joy2meu.com/index.htmlI also like the daily meditations and prayers at this site: open-mind.org/My H and I have addresed our drinking and alcohol consumption. . . .both of us have used the alcohol to self-medicate, but we do differ. I do believe H is currently sober from the SA, but I believe that he's stuck in a recovery rut. . .he has chosen to avoid sexual intimacy with me, thus the second age (or maybe its the third by now. .) of sexual anorexia has begun and he's trying to medicate himself with the pot and/or alcohol. Its hard to move forward when you can't bear to address the reasons why you're where you're at. Have I confused you? Am I clear as mud? Forgive me, I ramble way too much. . . . Again, many thanks for your post. It is greatly appreciated! My saga continues tomorrow. I'm finding that writing in my journal now is quite a catharsis for me, I'm purging some of my emotional baggage and it feels postive. It like I don't want to begin 2006 with some of this stuff still hanging on.
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Post by creole on Dec 30, 2005 11:18:12 GMT -5
Today's meditation: open-mind.org/Daily/Reading/95.htmThe story continues, Part III: One of the important facts that I omitted during the years 10-15 was the fact that my oldest daughter emerged as a "problem child". She had always had difficulty telling the truth (and still does) an owning responsibility for her actions. During her teen years while she still lived with us, she was a defiant, manipulative, chronic liar. We had to have the police involved n several occassions because she stole from our next door neighbor, was involved with fights and alcohol, skipping school, etc. You get the picture. She chose to leave home when she was 18. Years 16-20: The stress of maintaining the shattered relationship with my H continued. In true co-dep fashion, I was just too afraid to leave because I didn't think I could support myself. I was just too afraid, and couldn't bear to "fail" in my marriage. I struggled to maintain the facade and I continued to try to do anything that I could to keep his depression and anger at bay, but everything just backfired. He was jealous of my friends, of my activities, and was constantly fluctuating between depression and anger. Oh and no sexual contact of any kind. Our conversations consisted of short discussions about mundane things, he couldn't and wouldn't discuss any reasons for the depression or his anger. Oldest daughter's choices/situations just contributed to the esalation of our tensions. She married, had a son, divorced, went to detox for crack cocaine addiction (twice), became pregnant and gave birth to a set of twins, served time for hot check charges, etc. She still refuses to go to counseling and in spite of being diagnosed as bi-polar, refuses to take her medication. We did go to counseling and one of the "secrets" that H revealed was that he had been sexually assaulted as a child. He really wouldn't tell me anything more than that. Years 21-27: The sense of living a lie becomes reality. Communications continue to deteriorate, and managing emotions was a minute to minute struggle. Once, on a Friday pm in an angry outburst, he told me "I just want to be left alone", so I immediately packed my bags and left for 48 hours. Took my jewelery and pistol, withdrew $1000 from our joint checking account and went to a hotel. He never called to ask where I was even though he had my cell phone number. On Sunday night, I went back to the house to get more clothes for work the next day and I allowed him to talk me into staying. Band-aid, co-dep, wanting to believe that he would change, that things would get better. For a while, they did. During this time, I went thru menopause, early--before the age of 40. Did it without HRT and managed not to kill him LOL. Anyway, he did try to make an effort to shore up our relationship--we did start doing things together but there was no effort to initiate sex on either of our parts. I wouldn't initiate because quite frankly, I wasn't prepared to be rejected and abandoned again. H came in one day and told me that he'd been to the doctor to get some Viagra because he was tired of dealing with the ED. It worked and we had a brief sexual rekindling, but in hindsight, I think he went to get the Viagra because his sex with himself was suffering. His depression and anger issues became constant and he again added marijuana to the alcohol for self-medication. Then in May, Revelation day. I think I posted @ how I discovered another fantasy sex essay on our computer and how he lied. Then more essays on our computer. When I confronted him, he again lied. The lies, the rejection, way too much for me to ever discount. We both went back to counseling and this time I did the work, am still doing the work. Will we stay married? I don't know. I love him, but I am not "in love" with him. I often ask myself why I am staying in a relationship with him. I guess its because I want to be honest with myself and know that if/when I do leave, I did the best I could. I know in my heart that I've done the best I could so far. At the present time, I'm not satisfied with our relationship as it is. I'm trying to be patient, I'm trying to have no expectations, I'm trying to stay detached but damm, its difficult. I ordered Carnes' book "Sexual Anorexia" and it arrived yesterday. H looked at it like it was a three headed snake come to destroy him. I began reading it last night. Good stuff. Will work on me this weekend with the Carnes book. Don't know if he will do any more work or not. I believe that he is sober, but not actively working on his recovery. I guess H's sobriety is a gift that I should be grateful for here and now. Progress Creole, progress not perfection.
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Post by LookingUp on Dec 30, 2005 14:26:38 GMT -5
What a story, creole, thank you for your sharing. You're one amazing woman to have made it through all that with your sense of humor and ability to give still intact; you must be very strong.
Although my husband is far from recovery; I often forget to find thankfulness for the good things. Thanks for the reminder.
LookingUp
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