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Post by creole on Nov 13, 2006 18:01:50 GMT -5
FJ, thanks for the observations. Who knows what he wants. And yes, he does take the moral high ground and he really doesn't believe that I will ever leave, that love will conquor all. All I have to do is accept him as he is. Acceptance. . . .
Its been a month since I last posted. Lots of BS, lots of time to think about the BS. Being on the road has been very good for me in that I get my quiet time. I am afraid that my job and my time away from H is becoming much more appealing. . .traveling in and of itself is allows me to escape from the reality of what our realtionship is and is not.
Going to a joint counseling session tonight. Deep breath, time to speak more truth. Its been a year cause H didn't want to go to counseling without our book. . . .which was difficult to find. He hasn't really made an effort to read the book, but I have and in it, Carnes says we have to address our own personal issues, our co-dependency and get right with ourselves first if there is any hope.. . .Careful Creole, don't take his inventory, just focus on yours.
H also told me that he has read part of my Kasl book; I asked why he did that. He said he was curious because he saw me read in it every morning while I had coffee on the front porch. I laughed and told him that "curiousity killed the cat", and I certainly hoped that he found something in the book which caused a light bulb moment in his attempt to understand me.
I am very concerned about the situation that LU finds hersef in right now. Wish I were closer so that we could sit in rocking chairs and enjoy the sunset with a glass of wine and cry and pray together. ((((HUG)))) LU, you are in my prayers.
I leave for Wyoming on Saturday. . .very much looking foward to my vacation this year.
Peace and blessings to all.
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Post by creole on Nov 17, 2006 9:29:19 GMT -5
TooTrue posted a response in LU's journal and it is so powerful and filled with truth--I post it here for my own remembrance and future reference Bloom where you're planted. It's not really a cliche. If you can't bloom where you're planted, then change your soil to one that is more rich with what you need to grow. I think sometimes the urge to get rid of the anger and anxiety of dealing with a porn addict, and the very real way it sucks the life out of us, can push us toward finding a way to get rid of that anxiety and anger. And yet the extreme in the other direction isn't healthy either. It can form a sense of complacency, apathy, stuckness, that is just as anxiety provoking. Sometimes in working toward feeling satisfied and serene, we can pass the middle line and fall into a state that is every bit as unhealthy as living in perpetual anger. Some things I try to ask myself are...what is MY life about? Where do I want to be next week, next month, next year, in ten years? What is important to ME? How am I going about acheiving that? What is productive about my days? What do I want to accomplish? If I did not try to stay focused on this I could, and have in the past allowed myself, to be entirely eaten up by my exhusband's addiction and the legal battles he continually initiates. That is not what I want my life to be about. I will not live in fear or anger. And I will not lie down and live in complacency. I want something in the middle. And I want it to be GREAT. My life will be about what I make it and dealing with legalities surrounding the protection of my daughter is primary, but yet secondary. The people who love me deserve the best parts of me. The people who I love will not be diminished in my time or energy because of my dealing with an addict. I will compartmentalize the problem, give it its due attention when needed. And after I deal with something I will check it off my list and then go on with my day. LU you are one of the most educated people here. You are one of the hardest working here in your own recovery, and in helping others. You have done what you need to do in your own marriage. Your husband has not done one single thing that you have asked of him in recovering from porn addiction. The man who courted you has left the building. He is living in the basement without a working toilet or heat, bookmarking porn sites, refusing counseling, refusing sex with you, refusing to deal with his snoring problem, refusing daily updates or giving them begrudgingly, lying about timeframes in which he will do things, taking thousands of dollars out of your joint funds, sneaking around in his new jeans, ignoring your intellectual, sexual, and emotional needs, and smoking it up, drinking it up, and planning to spend a quarter of the next year living elsewhere. AND, he's happy! It doesn't matter if you permit, forgive, deny, boundary, forget, move on, stay, leave, legally separate, divorce, threaten, cajole, ask, demand, stay silent, accept, regret, be angry, serene, peaceful, calm, lose it, go to visit your mom, stay home, go to the camps, stay home, spend money, be frugal, buy books, read them, practice them, or what the pastor or Mrs. Pastor say or do....he is going to do what he is going to do. So you do what you are going to do too. He is a good provider. So he's got that going for him. He obviously must have some other good qualities that make him likeable. You have a nice new home, you are smart and have interests. So you do not have to leave him. You can choose to bloom where you are. You can always leave. How long would it take for you to at this point make that decision and follow through with it? A week? A day? It is a possibility. You know it and can do it and end up fine. But in the meantime, if you are staying, then make your life and your days about the things YOU enjoy. Have a full life. Do what you like. Call a friend and go out for dinner. Get caught up in a movie every night. Get hooked on online shopping for the holidays. Decorate your home beautifully for Christmas and Thanksgiving. Fly your children to see you. Go visit your mom and your sister. Enroll in a class or teach one...and sign up for it tomorrow. Learn how to paint. Choose a room in your house and paint it all by yourself. Then decide you don't like the color and paint it again. Get an ipod and learn how to program it and fill your head and life with music. Volunteer to work with the elderly or children. Work in a children's center one day a week and help with lunch. Take in a child for daycare and love her to pieces but send her home at the end of the day and make extra money that way. Bake cookies for people in your church who are sick and in the hospital and then go visit them. Invite your pastor and his wife and two other couples over for dinner. Make a quilt and learn how to sell it on ebay. Think of one thing you always wanted to buy or do in your retirement and decide you are going to do it before the end of the year...and really do it. Go on amazon right now and buy five books about five things you have never read about. Plan a trip for next summer to Europe, buy two tickets and if he won't go, invite your sister at the last minute. Subscribe to people magazine and spend 30 minutes reading about celebrities just for the fun of it. Buy that puppy NOW and not two years from now and get totally absorbed in raising it, training it, and loving it. Walk for 20 minutes every day. If it's too cold get a treadmill and order it tonight online. Buy yourself a fantastic new outfit from Chicos online or Talbots, or your favorite store with all the matching accessories and wear it the first day it comes in the mail, redecorate your bedroom, paint your nails the latest shade you can find in the drugstore, go get a pedicure and invite a friend, choose a band or a singer that you've always loved and look up where they are holding their next concert and plan that you are going to be there or be square. You have the means, the education, the freedom, the tenacity, the serenity, the strength, to do whatever you want regardless of his choices. Wake up tomorrow and decide you will. Choose to live big. Not just serene. Serenity, peace, calm, are good, but they are not joy and enthusiasm. Not just looking for satisfaction, but creating it. Decide that you are going to work toward a point where one whole day goes by when you TRULY do not care one way or another about his porn addiction, or your recovery. You are recovered. You are the most recovered person. I fear you are entering overload of recovery. Recovery is good but where do you go from here? Now it is time to take all that you have been through and read about and tried to create and just live. Just be. Just enjoy. If he can't do it too then screw him. It has no meaning to you. Because you cannot continue to deny yourself the real feelings, the multitude of feelings that you deserve. Your H is not going to give these to you, and no higher power is either. You have to create each one. You are so capable of this because you have consumed a library of works on this topic. Now is the time to stop writing, stop reading, stop thinking and really live and live happily. Let him do what he wants. If he is happy in the basement, then so be it. If he wants to only eat the food he cooks, then ok. If he wants to not have sex, go ahead and mb if you feel like it, and do it loudly. If he wants to live in a camp for 4 months that's fine too. If he wants to refuse counseling, who cares. If he whacks off in the basement to porn, that's lovely. In the meantime you are busy. You have a full life and you hope he will join you in it in more than a substandard man way. You've done all the work. Now you are done. It's his turn and he can do it or not. Don't let his choice impact yours. If he wants a limited life, he's got it. Let him choose to be an attractive, dignified, sexily wholesome, giving and interesting partner, or a basement dweller...it's totally his choice, not a thing you can do about it. But a retired woman with multiple degrees, a family raised, a lovely home, an active community life, friends and family, and everything at her finger tips doesn't hang with a porn dude. She just doesn't. It's not you. When I decided to divorce my husband it took me a year to follow through. I was too depressed. A year gone. When I decided to divorce my husband I then spent the next three years living in a fog of indecision. When I snapped out of it that time was gone. Some regret, but whatever. I will make up for lost time and live as fully as I can. I left but that doesn't have to be the answer for you or anybody else. The point is that you have gone through all the steps, you have learned all there is to learn, you have pushed and shoved, backed off and retreated, and nothing works with this man. So go on and have a life and make it really fantastic. There are many days I live this way now. And there are some I don't. But no one lives all their time in pure happiness. I have to think it is natural to have down days. But on those days I think, what do I really have to be unhappy about? Are most things in my control to be happy about? What are the things I can control and make good? And almost always I realize that most things are already good. I will live with the fear and dread of my child' s father's addiction and the next legal happening and it will scare the crap out of me. But mostly my life will be about what I choose, not what is imposed. And I am lucky to have that privelege in my life of being able to choose....so are you.
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Post by findingjoy on Nov 17, 2006 9:55:57 GMT -5
How did the counseling session go??
Inquiring minds want to know.
fj
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Post by creole on Nov 17, 2006 10:08:43 GMT -5
Hi FJ,
Inquiring minds huh? I'm LOL!
The session went as I thought it would. . .on the drive over, H was apprehensive--his body language and hesitancy to talk evidenced his discomfort. As for the session itself, I think it went as well as it could all things considered. Our counselor stated that for the joint counseling to be successful, we both should have worked thru our individual issues; counselor stated that she knew that I had done the work and asked H how he felt about his work--H stated that he had addressed his issues. It was hard not to jump up and kick his a$$--he really does believe but I was a fault because I was taking his inventory. Sometimes that is sooooo hard not to do.
Anyway, we are scheduled for our second joint counseling session the Monday after Thanksgiving. Since our first session, he's committed another boundary violation. All he could say to me was "I'm so sorry, it won't happen again" I took a deep breath, looked him in the eye and said, "I'm so dammed angry at you right now I don't need to speak. You want me to trust you and yet you continue to violate my boundary and pay dammed lip service with another "I'm sorry". Well, your choices and your apologies are unacceptable. I do not believe that you are sincere in working on our relationship when you continue to make choices that you know destroy my trust in you. I don't put up with that from other people, and I am no longer going to tolerate that from you. While I'm gone to Wyoming, I want you to really think, and I mean REALLY think about what you want. If you want to continue like this, it will be without me. This is IT, no more. My disappointment is greather than you can comprehend, my anger is overwhelming and the pain is way too real. I am tired of receiving all three on a regular basis. You think, you choose. "
Thats where it is. . . .I am polite but I have thrown down the gauntlet. Let the chips fall.
I am at peace with myself, I am happy. Whatever he decides, I will be happy!
(((HUG)))
Peace and blessings,
Creole
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Post by findingjoy on Nov 17, 2006 10:13:07 GMT -5
Oh, wow.
It doesn't sound like the first session was very productive. And, it sounds like more is happening outside of the sessions than inside.
When you get back from your trip, can you have *the* conversation about the boundary violation and his "choice" in the therapist's office? I think it can't hurt, and since it's the biggest thing on the table right now, why not use the therapist's expertise in guiding you through that potentially volatile, but monumental, discussion?
And I'm sooooo sorry he continues to be such an asshat.
fj
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Post by creole on Nov 17, 2006 10:26:53 GMT -5
FJ, I absolutely do plan to confront him at the session with the counselor to moderate. She has heard both sides (she has counseled both of us individually) and I feel comfortable with her functioning as a moderator. Also, both of us will drive to the session in separate vehicles which will be a good thing too.
Funny thing FJ, he doesn't think he's being an asshat. He knows its a problem, but he thinks that since he's given up writing the fanatsy essays about having sex with his beautiful secretary or whomever, since he's quit MBing (but not totally!) and since he's admitted that he was a co-dependent (without figuring out what trips his emotional triggers), that it is up to me to simply accept him as he is. He told me that he is more of an artistic temperment (and he is) and all he wants from me is acceptance. Unfortunately, I have reached the point wherer I can honestly say that as long as he continues to violate that boundary, I can't give him that. Bottom line. Its taken a long time. . . .but each day as I get stronger in my recovery and recognize what is good for me, I don't have to settle for less. Settling for less compromises my very self-integrity. What was that song that you put in your journal? ". . .the rest is still unwritten. . . .". Each day is my opportunity and I am tired of the same dammed dance. TIRED of it.
We are approaching 2 years since D day. . . .time, patience and faith have been good to me. Life has so much to offer. . .and I've wasted way too much of my time in futile efforts to be something I was not, in pleasing others rather than myself, in existing rather than living to my utmost. The relationship with H has taught me much. . .and if it does not continue, I will count it a blessing that I had the opportunity to learn from it.
Metamorphosis was initiated in May 2005. . .the transformation continues!
Peace and blessings,
Creole
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Post by creole on Feb 28, 2007 12:17:55 GMT -5
Well, I think this is the longest time I've ever gone without writing in my journal. Between the holidays and my job, I've been busy.
I am in a good place. H and I have been in joint counseling and I can see progress in him. I stay grounded in the present. The counselor told me last night that she is amazed at the change in me. . . .anyway, we have almost worked thru Step 1--we've done the individual and began working it together. It ain't been easy--its HARD to look at yourself and admit what you have done, your negative contributions to the relationship, much less to admit them to your partner. Working the Step 1 brought so many ugly thoughts, feelings and emotions to the surface. At times it was a struggle (and still is), but its done.
I have continued to work on ME, to improve my attitude, to remember that there's more than one perspective, to determine what my triggers are (yeah, I still have some triggers LOL), and how to appreciate each day for what it brings, and for what it is. I've been reading books by Marinne Williamson (awesome books!) and its a wonderful way to start the day.
LU, Joy & Karen, hope all is well with you!
Peace and blessings,
Creole
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Post by creole on May 16, 2007 13:53:51 GMT -5
Post 2 year anniversary of Revelation Day. H & I have jointly worked thru Steps 1-3 of a 12 step recovery program. HARD work. Learning more about myself every day. Like I wrote above, I continue to work on ME. Reading daily, staying focused and grounded, and simply LIVING! I'm learning to step away from the drama that surrounds my family and others, to not become judgmental, but rather to listen and support them in ways that are positive for all of us. Its a very powerful and affirming behavior. Three weeks ago, I was in Gulf Shores, AL and spent a most wonderful evening on the beach with a dear friend--we drank a bottle of merlot and watched the full moon over the Gulf, waded in the shallow surf, felt the sand between my toes. Something I've always wanted to do. . . .no more regrets for Creole!
My job has become very demanding, but overall things are good with me. My family seems to be absolutely going down the tubes and I feel like the eye of a hurricane, the only quiet spot amidst the chaos and confusion. One brother has filed for divorce and its a tragic situation which is way too complicated to describe, but the hardest thing about it is that his STBX wife won't let him see his daughter; he works 1500 miles away, and she won't let him talk or see her. I've encouraged him to document everything, give the documentation to his lawyer and remain encouraged and hopeful. They will end up bankruptcy (which was inevitable even if they were not divorcing) as his STBX wife has a spending addiction. Damm, its so much easier to reconginze addictive behaviors now LOL. My youngest brother is involved with a child custody issue also. I guess the thing that saddens me the most now is that my youngest daughter who has been married less than 3 years has discovered that her husband has cheated on her with the prostitutes. Yeah, its the whole ball of wax, the whole routine, internet porn, chat rooms, profiles, etc. I have assured her that its not about HER. God has a strange way of teaching us lessons through the struggles and pain of life and through those lessons, he also prepares us to share our knowledge, wisdom, strength and compassion with another who must venture down that particular path. She is strong, she is courageous and she is focused on what will be best for her. Fortunately, no children to complicate her decision to leave. She has moved forward with amazing clarity and will be filing for divorce before the end of the month, The irony is that her husband doesn't have a clue. . . .he is totally busted.
My best wishes to all. FJ, LU and Karen--you three remain in my daily prayers.
Peace and blessings, today and always.
Creole
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Post by cflanders on May 30, 2007 17:45:30 GMT -5
Creole, it is so good to hear from you.
You sound strong and like you are growing.
As I read your latest journal entry I'm struck by the dysfunctionality of your family members and by contrast you are taking care of business and standing on your own two feet.
Sorry, no time for more right now.
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Post by LookingUp on Jun 1, 2007 19:49:11 GMT -5
I'm so sorry. It's hard enough for us to be SOs, but to discover your precious daughter is going through that must be horrendous. She's fortunate to have you in her corner - her wise, compassionate and intelligent mom.
Glad you're continuing to work on you and do your steps and take good care of you. The beach sounds awesome!
God bless,
LookingUp
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Post by creole on Jun 14, 2007 10:47:10 GMT -5
Just a note in my journal. Where am I today?
I'm sad right now. H & I have been in individual and joint counseling since May 2005. My journal has reflected my impatience, my frustration, and my willingness to give him the opportunity to change. In many respects, he has changed, but in others, he is still struggling.
We're working Step 4--we began the individual disclosures in our Tuesday session. I was honest in my disclosures, and to an extent, so was he, but it became obvious from some of his answers/explanations, that he still has so much work to go. I have empathy, and I'm trying not to take his inventory, but for the last 48 hours, I've been considering just how long I want to continue. Its hurtful to have your H work Step 4 and never admit that his abuse (or what I perceived as abuse). Yeah, FJ is right, what is the bottom line and when do I reach it?
Well the two areas of our relationship where we struggled were and continue to be money and sex. Combine those with alcohol and co-dependency, it was a beautiful thing. Money and sex. . . .H disclosed that he really has a screwed up viewpoint of sex and that he doesn't know when or how long it will take him to recover. And I'm supposed to sit quietly by, wait until he decides? That was a pattern in our marriage for waaaayyyyy too long. Its been almost 2 years since we had sex and goodness knows, I'm a healthy, beautiful woman who wants sex but I'm living with a recovering SA who won't touch me. He says that he is really confused about his sexuality but he won't discuss it, won't talk about it, and besides, he's still MB. I can smell, literally. What's wrong with this picture? Acceptance, that's what he wants from me. I can accept many things, but I'm not sure I can commit to what he wants, to wait.
In reading my journal, one thing strikes me. . . .I keep saying how I'm gonna give him the opportunity to change, to be patient. I have called my counselor to discuss the fact that I have slept on the sofa the last two nights because I needed to diffuse some of my anger and resentment towards him and to really think about where I am now. I really do feel the time has come for me to move forward, in all areas of my life. I am not content to wait indefinately for a sexual relationship with him that may or may not happen. I think its best that we both have time and space to figure out what's best for us individually . . The best I can do is hope to maintain our friendship, but I fear that may not happen. Its said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results each time. Its time to stop the insanity.
Life is good. Choices are good. Peace and blessings. . . .
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Post by LookingUp on Jun 14, 2007 15:36:52 GMT -5
Wow. I see lots of growth in you, Creole. That would be soooo frustrating to see him skidding his wheels and not be willing to put some major effort into his problems - especially since his problems affect your sexual life. You know yourself quite well now - I think you will know when it's time to go and how that should happen.
Could he write a timeline to share with you and the counselor of how he plans to heal sexually? I hate open-ended "accept until....." Until when!!! I realize it's still one-day-at-a-time waiting; but to know that he plans to have done something by such a date, and worked on something else by such a date might give you a timeframe that would make it bearable --- and if he gets too far behind schedule, you could reevaluate if you want to stay or go. Just tossing out thoughts - take what you want and leave the rest.
It's been several years since I did a very thorough Step 4 - and it's only been the past few months that I've accepted that I was verbally abusive to my husband when I felt unheard - I don't know who was verbally abusive first in those days, him or me. It might be unrealistic for him to admit it at this stage of recovery. He might have to learn good communication patterns before he recognizes he was abusive. Now, if he was physically abusive and he's ignoring that - that's a biggie. Anybody should know if you lay a hand on somebody that is wrong and needs included in Step 4.... my opinions only.
LookingUp
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Post by creole on Jun 14, 2007 16:57:15 GMT -5
As always, I appreciate your insights LU. Been a while for me. . .just trying to get better every day. Will meet with my counselor tomorrow to just "freethought and freefeel" for an hour. Its worth the cost to just throw it all out on the floor and kick it around until my head clears. When I get to the "feeling" place, the anger, pain, frustration place, I do realize now that I need to refocus. Not that I'm going back down that old road again, but when the negative "feeling place" persists more than about 24 hours, I recognize that its time for another perspective and to just get some validation and re-affirmation of the road I'm walking now. My perspective about many things has changed, and is changing. Sex is one of them. For the record: I acknowledge that my SA ego is talking to me. . . .just recognizing that is for me, a big step forward. Kasl's book is helping me get thru this right now. I recognize my own triggers, that little addictive voice in my head. Yea, I'd like to have sex but part of me is really frustrated with the idea of an indefinite waiting period and quite frankly, I'm not really sure I want to have sex with him now. I'm frustrated with the idea that I'm just a safe sex partner that will still be available whenever he decides to really get sober and recover. Good ole Creole, what a wonderful wife, the patience of Job. . .BTW where is SB's axe? Could he write a timeline to share with you and the counselor of how he plans to heal sexually? I hate open-ended "accept until....." Until when!!! I realize it's still one-day-at-a-time waiting; but to know that he plans to have done something by such a date, and worked on something else by such a date might give you a timeframe that would make it bearable --- and if he gets too far behind schedule, you could reevaluate if you want to stay or go. Just tossing out thoughts - take what you want and leave the rest. Aw golly gee, not meaning to be sarcastic, but I can't get him to commit to a weekend movie or dinner LOL. Commit to a time schedule? Write a plan? LU, I love you Hon, and I always appreciate your input, but I can't help but chuckle. THANKS!!! :-) I feel that he prefers to keep me stringing along. . . .that way he doesn't have to step up and step out of his own little comfort zone. As for writing a plan, heck, that might be more commitment than he can bear right now. I don't know who was verbally abusive first in those days, him or me. It might be unrealistic for him to admit it at this stage of recovery. He might have to learn good communication patterns before he recognizes he was abusive. Now, if he was physically abusive and he's ignoring that - that's a biggie. Anybody should know if you lay a hand on somebody that is wrong and needs included in Step 4.... my opinions only. The abuse was primarily psychological and emotional. From my perspective, we both used and abused each other sexually. I've admitted my abuse of him. . . .guess right now its too much for him to see. Besides, he knows NOT to hit or physically abuse me. That has ALWAYS been a bottom line deal breaker. Thanks for sharing, I always love another perspective. I'm off to go enjoy a beautiful June evening complete with a full-blown thunderstorm. Peace and blessings! Creole
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Post by LookingUp on Jun 14, 2007 19:27:42 GMT -5
Aw golly gee, not meaning to be sarcastic, but I can't get him to commit to a weekend movie or dinner LOL. Commit to a time schedule? Write a plan? LU, I love you Hon, and I always appreciate your input, but I can't help but chuckle. THANKS!!! :-) I feel that he prefers to keep me stringing along. . . .that way he doesn't have to step up and step out of his own little comfort zone. As for writing a plan, heck, that might be more commitment than he can bear right now. GLad you had a chuckle. When I read it over I said to myself, "LU, what were you thinking??" I remember a lot about our husbands was similar - and I can't even get my husband to commit to sleeping all night in the same bed! It sounds lovely. I do miss lightening and thunder. We don't get much of that here. Where I lived before in Northern Canada - what they considered a true lightening storm was what I'd call heat lightening. I don't know if it was from magnetite in the rocks or the North Pole being close - but lightening never came down in bolts, just little flashes that went horizontal and the lightening never went boom, boom, ke-rash - just little rumbles. Enjoy some big booms from the sky for me! I've been enjoying the icebergs. We didn't have any last year - so I'm thrilled with them this year - my first year to enjoy the beauty and sound of them. Wish it was warm enough for a thunderstorm - but it's only in the 40s in the days and upper 30s at night here. Will summer ever come? I can't believe it's mid June and I still need a jacket or winter coat!.
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Post by creole on Jun 25, 2007 14:30:18 GMT -5
Back for another journal post. . . .I must make an effort to post more frequently. Its good to clear my mind.
Went to see the counselor. . .I was in a pretty emotional place, the "feeling place". Anger, resentment, confusion, frustration. I told her that I thought I wanted to address the lack of any kind of sexual relationship with my H. I told her that I was frustrated with his lack of communication with me on anything but a superficial level. I told her that I believed that he doesn't think he sexually abused me by using me for his fix and that I don't think he will ever admit it and that he will use my confession as a way to take "the moral high ground" and stay isolated. I told her that I think our individual SA tendencies were a perfect complement to each other and fed our addictive egos for so many years, that I was AFRAID of what I can and cannot do sexually now. I told her that from my perspective, there are things I do not need to do, ie, seduce, hunt, manipulate him sexually, because those put me back in my SA MO and I understand that there are things that he doesn't need to do for those same reasons. I told her that I knew there was a lesson for me; when she asked me why I knew that, I wailed "because I am back at the SAME DAMMED PLACE I've been so many times before". She told me that I knew the lesson, that I had grown tremendously and had such positive changes in so many areas of my life, but that I needed to step forward and be more outspoken about what I wanted and what I expected from him, that I have a right to ask for what I want and need. I told her that I didn't have any expectations, I gave those up because it hurts to dammed much to have those expectations dashed and the resentments are not easy to deal with either. She suggested that I have a talk with my H and offered to let me have the conversation in her office at our next session (scheduled for tomorrow). After leaving her office, I did some praying, some thinking and decided, what the hell, what do I have to lose. Soooo, I took a deep breath and decided to initiate the discussion.
On Sunday morning, the 17th, in a quiet, nonconfrontational voice I told him my truth. Did it cold stone sober, no alcohol and no hangover to fuel any anger or resentments in me. That living with him without any REAL communication about what he is thinking, feeling or any sort of status update on his recovery is very frustrating. That I was a sexual being and that living with no sex from him was very frustrating. That I understood that the two of us needed a major time out from sexual activity while we began recovery and had some abstinence time behind us to allow us to think more clearly. That I feel like I am nothing more than a safe-sex default for him. That I would undertand if he never wanted to have sex with me again but if that is how he feels, then I deserve to know and to know NOW. I told him that I am AFRAID of having sex with him, that there are things I do not need to do because it will put me back into my addictive behaviors. Told him that I need to see/hear something tangible from him by September 1, at which point I will have to make a choice. Didn't say what choice I will make, but did give him a deadline. Told him to put that in his dammed pipe and smoke it for a while. He told me that he really wanted to have this conversation but didn't know how to bring it up or what to say. He told me that he was sexually frustrated and that he loved me, that I had a nice a$$ and beautiful legs. Saddened me to see that he can't talk with me about sex without objectifying me. Its like a knife in my heart to know that my H STILL see me mostly through sexualized eyes. Oh yeah, baby. The ball is in his court, its his decision and choice.
Damm, I think this conversation was the hardest thing I've ever done. Much more difficult for me than detaching from the crack cocaine addicted daughter. However, I have felt empowered since this conversation.
I left on Monday the 18th for more than a week away. I returned yesterday and who was in residence? Lawd, it was the GRINCH. So glad that I bought more books at Barnes & Noble last week. Anyway, limited conversation and nothing from him today. Guess this tobacco ain't agreein with him.
Being in the "feeling place" hurts, and for me, its a sign that I need to examine what is going on. Yeah, I'm sorry that he is feeling pain--what's wrong with talking about it?
Scheduled for a joint counseling session tomorrow.
Peace and blessings,
Creole
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