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Post by justmehere on Aug 30, 2006 10:15:20 GMT -5
Creole, what a beautiful post. It blessed me this morning.
I was just so incredibly happy to see how far you've come in the last year. Yours, truly, is one of the most amazing SO success stories I've seen on here.
No, not everything has come up roses in your marriage, but you went on *your* journey. You've grown, healed and haven't become stuck in bitterness, no matter what your husband does. You've recognized that *you* can find your serenity inside yourself. No one can hand it to you on a platter. You've worked for it and it is yours. Nor can anyone take it from you.
Just beautiful, Creole.
Thank you again, for keeping up your journal. It's truly and inspiration.
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Post by creole on Aug 31, 2006 11:07:46 GMT -5
Thanks so much JMH; yesterday, I read my entire journal, a year's worth of journal entries and it was interesting to see what I struggled with, what kept me from moving forward and what I've turned let go of. I don't see it as an inspiration; rather it is a chronicle of my own personal struggle to grow and be the best person I can be and to live my life to the fullest. I still struggle, and will probably struggle all my life. . .
As I mentioned, yesterday was my birthday. In many respects it was a wonderful day, but after eveyone left last night, I sat on the porch, looked at the stars and cried. I cried because I miss my Dad so much. . .my first birthday without my Daddy. I'll soon face my first Thanksgiving and Christmas, his birthday, without him. Its ok to cry Creole. . .they are tears of grief, and you must grieve fully before your heart will find peace with this loss. Remember, at one time, tears = anger, your classic co-dep behavior. These tears are for healing. . .I am not ashamed to cry, and I can now tell someone why I'm crying, a major improvement for me as in the past I wouldn't have been able to do so.
Heard this song by Cyndi Lauper, and wanted to include it in my journal:
True Colors Cyndi Lauper
You with the sad eyes don't be discouraged oh I realize it's hard to take courage in a world full of people you can lose sight of it all and the darkness inside you can make you fell so small
But I see your true colors shining through I see your true colors and that's why I love you so don't be afraid to let them show your true colors true colors are beautiful like a rainbow
Show me a smile then don't be unhappy, can't remember when I last saw you laughing if this world makes you crazy and you've taken all you can bear you call me up because you know I'll be there
And I'll see your true colors shining through I see your true colors and that's why I love you so don't be afraid to let them show your true colors true colors are beautiful like a rainbow
(((JMH))) I appreciate the encouragement from you and others. Karen, if you're reading this, I hope all is going ok with you. Same to you, LU!
Peace and blesings,
Creole
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 31, 2006 17:24:10 GMT -5
Happy belated birthday!
I'm glad you recognize it is the grieving process and that you'll move through it so it won't be so raw. It's been so many years since my dad died (1962), I really don't remember what that first year was like; but I'm sure there is a lot of pain associated with the empty hole he left in my life. It's wonderful you had a dad who was so loving that he's missed.
Hugz,
LookingUp
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Post by creole on Sept 15, 2006 11:10:30 GMT -5
Been thinking, pondering. My H is sober (or at least he appears to be sober) but is not in recovery. Been thinking of our relationship. . .officially together with each other 29 years last month, officially 29 years in January. Long time, lots of water under the bridge. . .
Got to thinking about the future of our sexual relationship. . . .H still wants to use me for his fix. .I can tell it, feel it. I don't discount my intuition any longer. Some of my anger at past sexual injustices are surfacing. For one, H NEVER used a condom or made any effort at birth control, hence the unplanned pregnancy. Birth control was delegated to me, was my responsibility. At this time, even though I have gone thru menopause, I feel that H stays with me because I am "safe". Never have to worry about contracting a STD, never have to worry about losing an erection while putting in a condom. I want to ask him, "what would you do if you didn't have me to have sex with?". My intuition is telling me that I am just a safe default sex partner, one that is still being used for a sexual fix "when my balls hurt". Damm, that sucks. The last time I propositioned him for sex, that lovely spectre of ED accompanied, so he's in a fine mood. Horney, wanting me to proposition him, but then when I did, whoa! H won't even contemplate the idea of non-intercourse sex. Sigh. . . .Isn't it ironic. . .same partner for the last 29 years. . .safe sex but can't enjoy. Sometimes its really terrible when I let my mind loose, when it wanders down the paths of horrible reality. Reality TV ain't got NOTHIN on what life throws at you. . .do not collect $1,000,000, just persevere, pray and hope that you learn and grow.
H asked me the other day about my Charlotte Kasl book, Women, Sex and Addiction. Each morning I spend between 15-20 minutes on my front porch with a cup of coffee and I read bits and pieces from the book, enjoy the sunrise and the morning, and then say my daily prayers. H wanted to know why I read that book every day, and he told me, "That ain't the Bible, I don't know that its really good for you to read that particular book every day". I smiled and told him that I read from that book every day because it was part of my daily affirmations and efforts for my own positive personal recovery. The journey, Creole, the journey. Not the destination, but personal awareness, increased spirituality and self-esteem, and serenity.
We're scheduled to go to dinner tonight. . .he's hoping to get lucky, but I won't be used.
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Post by findingjoy on Sept 15, 2006 11:24:07 GMT -5
So... since you've made all these changes, grown, set boundaries and you're getting healthier every day... this marriage has got to have become fairly uncomfortable for him in the last year. You're not dancing the codep dance anymore, you're not having addict sex, you're moving forward in your career... what is he getting out of this anymore?
I'm just trying to figure out why he hasn't gotten uncomfortable enough to leave himself. All I can think of is that he doesn't know how to set direction in his life or that he still really loves you.
Even if he doesn't really want to work on recovery, but remains sober... if he loves you is there hope? I know I keep coming back to this in your journal. It just seems like this stalemate and I think somebody has to make a move. If he stays sober and still loves you... can you find any connection again? Can you say to him that if he won't go to at least 2 joint counseling sessions with you a month (to start within the next month) that you're leaving?
Just a thought. Your personal progress is incredible, Creole.
fj
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Post by creole on Sept 15, 2006 12:12:33 GMT -5
FJ, Thanks for reading my journal. You and LU are really great "barometers" and ya'll help me stay centered. I'm just trying to figure out why he hasn't gotten uncomfortable enough to leave himself. All I can think of is that he doesn't know how to set direction in his life or that he still really loves you. Both of the above, FJ. Although I think he's currently sober from the addiction (no porn and no MB), he's still toughing it out plus he still hasn't come to grips with his co-dep behaviors and issues. For this reason, I don't think that really knows what he wants. He says he loves me and I know he cares about me, but sometimes, love isn't enough. . . .one good thing about my new job is the time away. He's not been happy. . .but he needs to grow. Even if he doesn't really want to work on recovery, but remains sober... if he loves you is there hope? I know I keep coming back to this in your journal. It just seems like this stalemate and I think somebody has to make a move. Hard question. . .I feel we were both given the opportunity to grow and heal. We entered the marriage as two flawed, co-dependent, addictive people and we actively nurtured and supported that horrible relationship for 28 years. I know that we can be friends. . .but I don't know if I will be satisfied for simple sobriety. . .and not just from the MB, but the co-dep issues. If he stays sober and still loves you... can you find any connection again? Can you say to him that if he won't go to at least 2 joint counseling sessions with you a month (to start within the next month) that you're leaving? Ahhh, FJ, I would love to tell him that but if I did, I'd be managing his recovery, right? Not a good thing for a recoverying co-dep to do. I have suggested, and will continue to suggest that he go back to counseling, but quite frankly, until he moves forward more and lays to rest some of the squirrels in his head, I can't see spending the $$ on joint counseling. Better that he spend it on himself, to really find out who he is and what he wants. I have been patient about this, but perhaps its time I let him know of my impatience. As always, thanks for making me look at the picture. Peace and blessings, Creole
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Post by findingjoy on Sept 15, 2006 12:23:13 GMT -5
Creole, can't the counseling thing be a boundary, not codependence? Like I just wrote in LU's journal, I have a hard time seeing this stuff clearly. It's just nowhere near black and white to me.
I'd love your opinion on it. That might help me to sort it out better.
All my best to you, as always
fj
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Post by creole on Sept 15, 2006 13:46:15 GMT -5
Him attending counseling as a boundary for me? I never considered that FJ, but that will be a question for me to address when I'm on the road next week.
I think boundaries are for me to feel safe., ie, have sex with me with your eyes open, have sex only with me, no MB. I have never had a problem with counseling and I am so thankful that I've had as much as I've had, and I still go see my counselor quarterly, just as a reality, emotional check. Honestly, I don't see this as a boundary issue, and I don't see how requring him to attend individual or joint counseling will do anything but make him feel manipulated and controlled, two tangible manifestations of co-dependency. Even though I might word my request that he begin going back to counseling in a non-confrontational manner, and that request might be for the RIGHT reasons, he will immediately call me on it, and point out to me that my co-dependency is rearing its ugly head. Deflection. . .I'd prefer to not have a Virginia Wolf confrontation with him, because I know he's not emotionally ready to hear all my truth. Hell, he can barely stand to hear a little of my truth, he can't deal with my anger (He puts me into the Mamma role & Mamma is mad at you = I don't love you) and he just closes the door a little bit tighter, and sometimes locks it. A little knowledge. . .he is VERY resistant to any suggestion that he needs more counseling. He is comfortable right now. . .he thinks he's got the demons at bay, but I know they're there, that he's just coasting along. He doesn't see any reason to rock the boat so to speak. He isn't "willing" at this time to wade thru all the emotions that will be the result of doing the work, REALLY doing the work required to identify and work thru all that pain and hurt. One reason I took the new job was that it would give both of us some time alone, by ourselves and I wanted him to feel what its like to have me gone for more than 24 or 48 hours, to be by himself. Cut the strings gently so to speak and it would give him time to think about what he really wants. Guess he really wants nothing to change. . .his attitude is "why change"? The week on the road is GOOD for me, gives me time to read and work my recovery, gives me time to enjoy the beauty in new places, to experience being self-sufficient, all empowering and strengthing me as a person.
Sigh. . . .thus the impasse. Sorry for typing in circles--I'm absolutely no help.
Peace and blessings,
Creole
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Post by creole on Sept 26, 2006 9:31:17 GMT -5
I hate it when the intuition radars start screaming. Arrived home Friday pm from the week of auditing and the emotional barometer started pinging. I could tell something was amiss, but H just said he was OK. Right. I had to work a horse show on Saturday and Sunday, leaving by 6:00 am each morning and arriving late (8:00 pm & 1:00 am) each night, so we really didn't get to see much of each other over the weekend. I slept later yesterday am, and he left for work and we didn't get to talk.
When I came in for lunch yesterday, I discovered the Grinch in residence. Yeah, really nice to come home to the Grinch. I asked him if he was ok and he almost snapped my head off, and I reminded him that I wasn't going to be talked to in that tone of voice and in that condescending way. He stomped off to the TV room to watch the tube and after I prepared my lunch, I followed. No further conversation. Same thing last night; he gets really pissy when I won't watch Monday night football with him as I prefer to watch a movie. Just not my viewing preference and we end up in two different rooms, each of us watching what we want.
The Grinch is still in residence this am. He won't communiate with me. Sooooo, what do I do? He left before I did. Bad Creole, go check his Viagra & Cialis. What the heck! No Viagra but all the Cialis is accounted for? Yeah, I DO count the pills. Not good. He sure as hell hasn't used or attempted to use the Viagra for us to have sex. Not a positive feeling. I'm not angry, more disappointed and sad. I will ask him this pm about the Viagra and I'm sure he will present me with a very plausible, convincing answer, will be become righteous and indignant with me (what makes you think you need to check on MY Viagra & Cialis?, and will tell me that I've just destroyed all trust he thought he'd regained in me. Sooo, if he doesn't trust me, why is he still with me? I would like more than superficial honesty, but I don't know if he can really give that to me.
Deep breath, detach, turn it over. The last six months have been really difficult for me, I have struggled with my H, with losing my Dad, adjusting to a new job. I am so tired of turning things over to God to deal with, so frustrated, but I realize that God isn't gonna fix any of my problems in my time, but in HIS. It is my H's recovery, not mine. Another lesson for me to learn; another lesson. Maybe its time to move forward again, since H doesn't want to change. Maybe its time. . .
Peace and blessings,
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Post by LookingUp on Sept 26, 2006 13:13:42 GMT -5
((((((((((((((((( Creole )))))))))))))))))))
I've never learned a thing during the calm beauty of a mountaintop experience; but I've had many painful but eventually rewarding lessons when I go through the valley. Please remember that the shepherd took the sheep through the dark valley because the destination on the other side was the green pastures and still waters. Using the Psalms 23 analogy further, that's also where there's a banquet, anointing and overflowing cup. The hard thing, those are in HIS timing. And maybe that's the lesson of the valley? (I'm still learning)
I'm sorry about the missing pills. That would be such a major red flag. I've never counted my husband's Viagara. I don't even know if it moved when we did.
Good for you for standing up for yourself against the grinch and demanding respect. I'm slowly learning if we don't respect ourselves, they won't respect us. I read a quote in Dobson's book "Love Must Be Tough" last night and it was something like: "I want a man who I can look up to, but a man who doesn't look down on me." I told my husband that quote last night (I forgot that on my journal). That's a keeper quote for me - a goal.
LookingUp
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Post by creole on Sept 28, 2006 13:28:20 GMT -5
Today's ramblings are just that--ramblings.
I purchased a copy of the Carnes book, Open Hearts. Our counselor had wanted us to get that particular book so that we could begin couple's therapy. I had asked H to order a copy of the book, but he just never "got round tuit". H is in favor of beginning joint counseling; I know he feels that I need more counseling, and that he is ok and in recovery. Me? Part of me is willing to go to joint counseling with him, but the intiutive me feels that H hasn't done enough of the co-dep work, inner self-examination and healing, to make the joint counseling really work. Still feels like a band-aid over the wound. I will go; I asked him to schedule us a meeting with her, but it hasn't happened.
H also had a co-dep attack earlier this week; became really pissy when I met friends I haven't seen in a while for drinks after work. H wouldn't share with me what was going on, just admitted he had a co-dep attack. Didn't let his behavior, pouting and Grinchiness bother me, although any time he behaves like that, it triggers that ole doubt: has he slipped in his sobriety? Hell, I ain't saying recovery, just plain ole simple sobriety.
I leave again on Sunday afternoon for another week on the road. H and I plan to go to a movie on Saturday.
What IS marriage supposed to feel like, to be, after 29 years? Is being friends the most you can hope for? I know it isn't about passionate sex with your spouse all the time, but sex more than once every 6-12 months would be nice.
I find myself still hesitant to commit to the future, to make long term plans with him; H has openly stated to me several times in the last month how much he still doesn't trust me. Well, I'm probably NEVER gonna be trustworthy in his eyes, which doesn't make the prospectus of the future very encouraging. I want to set intermediate and long term goals with time frames for accomplishment. H perfers to discuss in generalities and he automatically includes me in HIS plans, and he turns a deaf ear to anything I suggest. which makes me feel that they aren't really OUR plans. It feels safer to just live in the here and now and focus on my own goals. Its my responsibility to set my own personal goals, and to work for them. He can't make my wishes come true, I'm the only one who can do that.
Why do I have such a hard time admitting the difficulty in following the truths that I know? This is one of my repeat tests, I didn't learn the lesson the first or second or even third times, and now God is sending me the test again.
Peace and blessings,
Creole
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Post by LookingUp on Sept 28, 2006 15:43:51 GMT -5
Creole,
It's awesome that you recognize the test up front. I usually didn't notice until I got the report card that said "Flunked- it" or "Absent and missed the test."
Do you think he really doesn't trust you or is just projecting because he knows he's not trustworthy and hasn't earned back very much trust? My husband often counters any discussion with he'll never trust me again because I had a few dates with another man about 3 months before we got engaged and were still testing the waters of our relationship's direction. But when I ask for anything concrete that would loose trust since our engagement, all he can say is "You go to support boards and they aren't professionals." Aurgh.
I can sooooooooooooo relate. I'm invisible, too. I'm just an extension of what he wants - after all the porn girls only want what make him happy - so why am *I* defective and want some things that make me happy - things like my own opinion, goals and life? He chooses what should make me happy. He's up doing the dishes and roasting a turkey - that should cover a multitude of sins and null my pain and fulfill any amends he should make? Why should he need to do anything else - like communicate with me to see what would help me heal or discuss his betrayal and show repentenence.
Oops, sorry to hijack and turn this into a me-me-me post. I'm feeling a bit unsafe because he's reading my journal so feel awkward and insecure posting there right now (co-d?)
LookingUp
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Post by creole on Oct 9, 2006 11:37:54 GMT -5
Back after another week on the road. My new job provides me with so many opportunities to really think about what I want, what I need, what I will no longer tolerate. . . .
Last weekend was interesting. We had planned to go see a movie and grab a bite to eat. H was very much in favor of us doing that and I thought it would be a good thing. We attended the noon movie. As we sat in the dark and mostly empty theater, H began squirming. Yeah, you know how a person behaves when they realize that they don't want to be somewhere and they're trying not to disclose their discomfort. The whole movie. . .I felt so unwanted, so rejected. When the movie finished, he drove directly home. I could tell he was unhappy and just didn't confront him with what I already knew. He went home, plopped into the recliner and the uncommunicative Grinch returned. I told him that I could tell he was uncomfortable and unhappy and asked if he wanted to talk about it. "NO". What the hell, I proposed that we go see a movie and then eat, so that we could spend some time together.
The Grinch remained in residence. . .I had a 5 hour drive on Sunday and had actually planned to leave home around 2:00 pm, but the feeling of rejection was just too much. I packed my bags and went in to tell him goodbye. WOW! The reaction. . . ."why do you have to leave so early? I don't understand why you're going so early.". I told him that I just felt that I needed my space, that I really wasn't happy spending an additional 3 hours with someone who really didn't want to communicate with me and whose behavior made me feel rejected. Naturally, when I arrived at the hotel room I phoned to let him know I'd arrived safely and who'd have thunk it--the Grinch was gone and co-dep H was back. . . .trying to guilt me, manipulate me, oh I love you, I miss you, etc. Down time in a hotel room is good. . .slam those pillows against the wall, scream into them, cry, pray and start over again.
Drove home on Saturday am after a demmanding week; no Grinch but limited conversation. Don't know how much longer I can stand this. Discussed the situation with good friends who know what has happened, about his SA. L told me that I sound good, that I sound strong. She asked me when I was going to go ahead and move forward, and terminate the marriage. She said that it sounds like its just a matter of time. I actually became physically ill on Friday--my stomach knotted and hurt. I know why it did--I was dreading going back to what I live with, and seeing my two best friends so happy with each other and their marriage just reinforced what I do not have.
Painful, painful, painful. I am so tired of the pain, the lack of trust, the lack of communication, and waiting for him to move forward. He's comfortable and expecting me to change; I am changing, evolving and the future road for me looks like it doesn't include him. Yeah, pull the plug on a 29 year relationship. When?
Our book which I ordered hasn't arrived. H won't make the appointment with the counselor until it does. Sigh. . . .I'm about to make another appointment for me. I need it. . .
Peace and blessings,
Creole
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Post by LookingUp on Oct 9, 2006 11:48:16 GMT -5
(((((((((((((( Creole )))))))))))))))) I don't know which one causes the most pain, the grinch who treats us like we're furniture or the co-D who is so full of insincere intensity that I feel like I got hit by a hurricane.
I'm so sorry that he's not making progress. Our lives are soooooo parallell right now, only I don't have a job. Do they need somebody else who's computer literate and types about 90 words per minute?
LookingUp
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Post by findingjoy on Oct 11, 2006 8:54:39 GMT -5
Creole, I can't believe you two are still repeating the same song and dance. Uggh. I'm so glad you are now able to travel with work. Can you imagine being in the same house everyday?
I hope your book comes soon. What I'm interested in, is how long it will take him to read it.
Hrmmmm.
I just can't figure out what he wants. Does he want you to leave so he doesn't have to make any decisions? Is it easier for him if you leave? Will he then take some kind of "moral high ground" with friends and relatives, telling everyone it was your fault for leaving? (that's something Peter would and probably is doing). Or does your H really not think you will ever leave? Is he capable of that kind of delusion? I really, really don't get where he's coming from.
Just stick to your guns, hon. You know I'm always rooting for you. If the marriage can become healthy, great, if not, it's you I want serenity for.
fj
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